Barnacle-Bob Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 The good thing with you though, is that the next woman in your life might actually help fill the role of 'mom' eventually... meaning, she can develop a bond with them comfortably. With most single dads, the kids have a mom... who also has her own schedule... and sometimes major cr*p if their relationship isn't functional... which seeps into the relationship. So, not only is the new woman juggling his schedule, and the kids schedule... but also the ex-wife's schedule. Its a lot to ask of someone... and it comes across as a glorified FWB... not someone you are trying to incorporate into your life. It also is really unbalanced from an investment standpoint. (FYI... kids aren't pets... my parents weren't divorced, but we had plenty of time to ourselves... I wish more parents... single and otherwise, would figure this out). Great post. Re: your last point. Absolutely. Give the kids some sticks and some rocks and mud and leave them alone for awhile. Let them grow. Let them figure things out. Give them room. I am and always have been a very engaged dad, but for me, I feel like there are times to be ckose and times to have space. Parents feel like they need to be in their kid's face all day, with everything they do. I would like to raise my kids to be independent people. That is the one parenting area that my wife and I differ, although to her credit, she realizes her modality isn't the best way. Case in point: my daughter was having some problems with a girl in her class (1st grade). My W told me about it and told me she was going to talk to her teacher about it. I asked why our daughter couldn't handle it herself. Then I said that we should talk to her about the issue and give her some tips on how to work it out herself, and instilled in herthe confidence to work it out herself. So, we hadn't heard about any problems with this girl for a long time, and now it turns out that they are friends. And regarding the rest of your post....spot on. That's probably the biggest reason that I don't try to pursue relationships. Too much juggling by too many parties over too many issues, all to just have a little companionship.
ses Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I'm 24, female, single, never been married and don't have children. I wouldn't be opposed to seriously dating a single father but it's admittedly not one of my ideal preferences. I admire a man who is actively involved with taking care of his children and places them as a priority in his life. I wouldn't expect him to see me every day, and I would understand if an emergency came up with one of his children. With all that said, I have bitter memories of my father dating as a divorced dad. Before my father's recent remarriage he had been in an on/off relationship with my current stepmother for 12+ years. She has struggled with jealousy of my mother and had left my father on multiple occasions due to her insecurities. It was hard to hear my father tell me that my stepmother should've been his priority throughout their relationship. I acknowledge the truth of the statement but it still stings. I'm happy for my father but it has left me slightly jaded. I'm hanging out with a single father (29 years) of 2 young children. He doesn't have full-time custody of them but alternates with his ex-wife. Unfortunately due to my bad experience and overall lack of serious relationship experience I don't see anything serious developing with him. I wouldn't discount it in the future but I'm just not ready for it. He's a really nice guy however. To single dads: You're awesome, and I wish you all the luck in finding your better half. Everyone deserves to find love and be happy.
Author tylerd Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 What I find annoying about alot of men (in general) and with kids especially... is that they probably weren't the most attentive partners to begin with (that is why they are divorced)... now they expect someone they date to have the world STILL to revolve around them and their needs 24/7. The kids are just a convenient excuse for him to manage things according to HIS timetable and excuse for being inflexible. When really, he always was. You will find that healthy single women have full, active lives and commitments too... to friends, family, etc... that they aren't going to drop on a dime just because you wave the "but it's my kid" flag. I have found in general the opposite of what you say to be true. Normally a father who has full custody of his children is more selfless than most guys. I didn't have to get custody of my kids, but I did it for their best interests. I sacrifice quite a bit for them and it would've been easier to be selfish and walk away like a lot of guys do. I started this post to find out what others experiences have been dating as a single father.
Author tylerd Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 This isn't a single dad thing, this is a relationship thing. That's roughly the amount of time that it lasts when it's not a great match - for whatever reason! I am a full-time single mom and have dated guys with kids and without kids. There are pros and cons to both! I honestly don't have a clear preference, but I will say that the more kids they have, the more complicated it gets. One is great (I have one), two is ok. Three is too many for me. The thing I struggle with is making sure that the guy is open to being a stepdad. It's hard to know when to ask that question, because you don't want to scare them off, but you don't want to waste anyone's time either. So maybe its just a relationship thing for me. Like I said earlier I haven't been dating for long so I suppose I just haven't found someone I really click with. But at the same time I have three kids, so maybe its not a relationship thing. Maybe its because I don't have the time to invest in a relationship. My kids are all young and I have my own hobbies. I'm thinking I should treat dating as something I do to pass whatever free time I may have.
Author tylerd Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 To single dads: You're awesome, and I wish you all the luck in finding your better half. Everyone deserves to find love and be happy. I agree, but I say any single parent is awesome, moms and dads. There is no more important job to have than being a parent and preparing your kids for the world.
phineas Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I have found in general the opposite of what you say to be true. Normally a father who has full custody of his children is more selfless than most guys. I didn't have to get custody of my kids, but I did it for their best interests. I sacrifice quite a bit for them and it would've been easier to be selfish and walk away like a lot of guys do. I started this post to find out what others experiences have been dating as a single father. You have to understand though some people on this forum have "issue's" with men. So no matter what the thread is about they will find a way to work a blanket statement meant to slam men into it. I hear you. I have shared custody & THAT was a battle. Who do you think had my kids while their mother was out "shopping" for an entire saturday? FYI "shopping" = being with her BF. And when she dropped the kids off at the baby-sitter to "go into work early" & when she "worked late" she wasn't really working over-time. unless she did it for free. And do I really need to go into what "drinks with co-workers after work really meant?" I always had the kids in my marriage & hardly ever saw my friends or went out alone.
RedRobin Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 (edited) I have found in general the opposite of what you say to be true. Normally a father who has full custody of his children is more selfless than most guys. I didn't have to get custody of my kids, but I did it for their best interests. I sacrifice quite a bit for them and it would've been easier to be selfish and walk away like a lot of guys do. I started this post to find out what others experiences have been dating as a single father. I know you'd like to think so... but being able to and willing to breed isn't a marker of 'selflessness'... AT ALL. Some people choose NOT to breed for reasons that are equally, if not MORE selfless... like not wanting the kid to grow up in a possibly divided home or without another parent... or having concerns about overpopulation and its effects in general on those who are already here. Personally, I think we need more enlightened people to adopt kids in need than keep producing more new ones. I'll agree with you on one thing...Most guys ARE selfish because that is how our culture, and previous generations trained them to be. Being obliged to take on a caregiving role does give some men insight on how difficult it is to tend to children... and for those who take it seriously, it can bring out some nice, nurturing qualities that I've found attractive too. My last two BFs were single dads, BTW. So I know what I speak of. And even with everything I said above, I still wouldn't rule out dating a single dad myself. As long as he understands that I have a life too... Edited: not walking away doesn't make anyone less selfish. That is the bare minimum that should be expected of any parent. You don't get a super special gold star just because you are doing your half. Just an FYI... Edited March 29, 2013 by RedRobin 1
RedRobin Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I'm glad to hear there are women who would be more understanding of the time constraints of a single dad. I haven't been dating for very long and the women I've dated so far seem to want more than I do, they were nice and all. I have my kids and my own hobbies and that doesn't leave me much time for someone else. I have about 3 or 4 hours a week for dating, and maybe a full day once a month to spend with someone. At first they seem ok with that but as time goes on I can tell they want more and I just don't have it to give. Ok, so find a f_buddy or a FWB and make sure you call it that up front. Yea, I get it that the 'nice' girls probably aren't going to be going for that... but too bad. That is what the other guys here with major parental obligations do... To me, it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want the emotional support, affection, and sex from a good woman who is willing to accommodate your schedule, but you don't have much to offer in return... except???
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I have found in general the opposite of what you say to be true. Normally a father who has full custody of his children is more selfless than most guys. I didn't have to get custody of my kids, but I did it for their best interests. I sacrifice quite a bit for them and it would've been easier to be selfish and walk away like a lot of guys do. I started this post to find out what others experiences have been dating as a single father. Try to avoid seeing the world in broad generalizations. People are individuals. In every category, there will be selfless people and selfish people...compatible people and incompatible people. View dating through a more precise lens and look for women who will do the same with you when considering you as a potential dating partner. Making assumptions and jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes is counterproductive IMO.
Author tylerd Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 My last two BFs were single dads, BTW. So I know what I speak of. And even with everything I said above, I still wouldn't rule out dating a single dad myself. As long as he understands that I have a life too... Edited: not walking away doesn't make anyone less selfish. That is the bare minimum that should be expected of any parent. You don't get a super special gold star just because you are doing your half. Just an FYI... All single parents deserve a super special gold star. Your last 2 BFs were single dads, why did they not work out?
soccerrprp Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 (FYI... kids aren't pets... my parents weren't divorced, but we had plenty of time to ourselves... I wish more parents... single and otherwise, would figure this out). Not certain if this was targeted at me specifically, but I think I'm offended. There isn't a parent, mother or father that loves and commits to their children to the level that I do with my own. None. I don't need recognition nor awards. I do what I do b/c it's what I want and should do. Love being a single parent! I lost my wife to an illness. Was a good father and husband. Still am and can be. 2
pyramid Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 To me, it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want the emotional support, affection, and sex from a good woman who is willing to accommodate your schedule, but you don't have much to offer in return... except??? Agreed. You don't want to make any changes to your life to date. Why do you only have 3-4 hours a week? There are babysitters, there are "living room dates" after the kids are asleep, or what about finding women who have the same hobbies so you can have a date and enjoy your hobby at the same time? Just last night I went running with the guy I'm seeing. Sure, we were talking the whole time and not really pushing ourselves - but we got our runs in and spent a few lovely hours together. I didn't feel that I had the time to date anyone seriously until my son was about 8. When he was younger, he needed too much of my time & attention and I chose to focus on him. There's no rule that says you have to date just because you are single.
Recommended Posts