Single dad and dating

[tylerd]

I'm a single dad of three kids and have found it very difficult to maintain any kind of relationship. I separated over two years and I've been divorced for one. It took some time to get back up to speed on dating after being married for 10 years and it's still a work in progress. I try to get out as much as possible but I am finding I am not able to maintain any kind of relationship for more than 2 months. It seems like its too much work and I don't like taking time away from kids to see someone else.

 

Has anyone else had success dating as a single dad? And how do most women feel about single dads?

[Treasa]

I can't speak for others, but I'd be fine with a single dad, as long as he was ok with the fact that we'd only see each other one or maybe twice a week tops, and probably at his place or somewhere he could take the kids.

 

I like having my privacy and space, and I believe in putting your kids first, so I could work with this arrangement.

 

Could you try a single mom? Maybe the same person could watch your kids while you go out on dates. A babysitter or whatever.

[Luckydad]

My own philosophy (through experience) on the subject is that dating is an exercise in futility for a single dad.

 

Personally, I've learned to find great joy in my life through being the best dad I can to my kids. Dating/looking for a LTR/STR/ONS, whatever... takes time, energy, and resources away from the 2 most important people in my life and I would never want to subject my kids to what their mother put them through.

 

To each their own however, it's just not an activity I would ever feel compelled to consider again.

[soccerrprp]

I can't speak for others, but I'd be fine with a single dad, as long as he was ok with the fact that we'd only see each other one or maybe twice a week tops, and probably at his place or somewhere he could take the kids.

 

I like having my privacy and space, and I believe in putting your kids first, so I could work with this arrangement.

 

Could you try a single mom? Maybe the same person could watch your kids while you go out on dates. A babysitter or whatever.

 

The problem with you, Treasa, is that you are not the typical woman we single fathers date or find. Too bad really.

[soccerrprp]

Single father of two young children, both under the age of 8.

 

And yes, dating sucks. I always try to find ladies with children close to my kids' ages and that seems to work out better. We can make excuses for "play-dates" to have more time together. It gets expensive with baby-sitting and with all the other responsibilities as a single father, it can be exhausting.

 

I don't know about you, but I AM A TRUE SINGLE FATHER, that is, I have full custody of my children. So you can imagine the logistic, time, financial complications that come into play. Some ladies want too much time and that's understandable. Just doesn't work for me.

 

It's rough, but haven't given up.

[tylerd]

Single father of two young children, both under the age of 8.

 

And yes, dating sucks. I always try to find ladies with children close to my kids' ages and that seems to work out better. We can make excuses for "play-dates" to have more time together. It gets expensive with baby-sitting and with all the other responsibilities as a single father, it can be exhausting.

 

I don't know about you, but I AM A TRUE SINGLE FATHER, that is, I have full custody of my children. So you can imagine the logistic, time, financial complications that come into play. Some ladies want too much time and that's understandable. Just doesn't work for me.

 

It's rough, but haven't given up.

 

I have full custody of my kids as well. Three of them ages 5, 8 & 11. Sounds like dating as a single dad is what I've experienced so far, a lot of time, money and effort. Dating women with children is ok, but I feel like they always want to meet my kids too soon and I would rather wait at least 4 or 6 months of seeing someone. I don't want to be introducing them to a new person every couple of months and then it doesn't work out.

 

Anybody else have experience with introducing your kids to a new partner?

[soccerrprp]

Hey, didn't want to suggest that I introduced my kids right away or frequently. The vast majority of the dates are w/o the kids, but a handful are arranged around play dates.

 

As long as you and the woman you are dating agree that your romantic life is not revealed, the kids see it as a play date with a friend. Kids have such play dates often and don't think anything of them.

 

You do what you can when dating. Just my experience.

[SarcasticAbby]

I have full custody of my kids as well. Three of them ages 5, 8 & 11. Sounds like dating as a single dad is what I've experienced so far, a lot of time, money and effort. Dating women with children is ok, but I feel like they always want to meet my kids too soon and I would rather wait at least 4 or 6 months of seeing someone. I don't want to be introducing them to a new person every couple of months and then it doesn't work out.

 

Anybody else have experience with introducing your kids to a new partner?

 

Yes... I have this same problem. Although I haven't dated anyone seriously in three years, some of it may be my issue with introducing them to my children. I tend to freak out when things get serious. My kids get too attached and I'm just not willing to introduce my kids to a man that may not work out.

 

Although my kids are getting older, 11 and soon to be 13, both boys, and their dad is more in their lives these days, maybe it won't be quite the issue it has.

[Cutiepie1976]

I'm single without kids, and open to dating divorced dads. So are many of my friends. Just be upfront about your time constraints.

 

I don't think most people expect to meet kids quickly. I'm fine waiting for six months or until we're clearly going to go the distance. Then it becomes important to meet them since it will be a package deal.

 

As is clear from this forum, everyone struggles at some point with dating. Just keep on truckin' until you meet the right person for you.

[sabre80]

Make the count 3 guys. I too am a single full time dad 9 and 7 year olds. I take a slightly more selfish view. My kids do not come first. I do. My kids do not lack for love or attention but I take care of my needs first and then theirs. Then I take care of the wants in there as a mixed bag. If I am miserable I cannot be a good dad. Keep in mind they live in your world not the other way. They will turn 18 and go to college and start their own family. If you have not done anything to cultivate your happiness you are going to be a lonely and bitter old man (not implying a relationship is the only way to happiness though). I have a baby sitter one night a week. Saturday evening is daddy's time.

 

My babysitter is very reliable never says no. I pay her well but she also cleans my kitchen and does my floors. I do not know how old your kids are OP but mine are old enough to know (and even encourage) that daddy needs his own time.

[Barnacle-Bob]

I'm a single dad with part-time custody. Because of the distance involved, we can't pull off a 50/50 arrangement, so I come in a hair under 40%. But a bulk of that time is in the summers, so during the school year, its weekends here and there (I go to the state they live in 2x/mo), during breaks, etc.

 

What that equates to is a lot of time when I don't physically have the kids. So, I do have ample time where I'm not juggling kid logistics, and can date/hang out fairly liberally given the 40% custody.

 

My biggest problem, however, is caring enough. I've met tons of girls, and some have been awesome, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I was never really wired for relationships before getting married, and now, on the back side, I'm even less excited. Compound that with the fact that dating people in my age bracket entails either women who have yet to marry and have kids but desperately want to, or divorced women with kids who are either pissed or completely swamped by their situation (and I understand both situations, so I'm not being judgemental).

 

I would love to meet somebody and just feel that awesome POW!, but it just doesn't happen.

[Barnacle-Bob]

My kids do not lack for love or attention but I take care of my needs first and then theirs. Then I take care of the wants in there as a mixed bag. If I am miserable I cannot be a good dad. Keep in mind they live in your world not the other way. They will turn 18 and go to college and start their own family. If you have not done anything to cultivate your happiness you are going to be a lonely and bitter old man (not implying a relationship is the only way to happiness though).

I kinda agree with this. I'm not a fan at all of the phrase "my kids come first" of ranking people in our lives in terms of priority. The way I view it, there is plenty of love and attention to be given to both children, boyfriends, friends and family. I mean obviously children are a responsibility -- and you cnat just ditch them without supervision or neglect their needs and wants. But I too feel all parents should value themselevs as individuals (in addition to just parents) and not loose their own identity separate from their children.

 

I see too many married women who's enter life is consumed by nothing but their children. Its all they talk about. You can tell their husbands sometimes tire of discussing nothing. but. the. children. And then yes I wonder...what happens when these kids start grade school, go to college, move out....what is the Mother left with?

 

It is possible and healthy to devote yourself to your children but still have a life/interests outside of them.

 

I think a baby sitter 1x week is great, not just for the parent, but also for the kid

When I say 'My kids come first', I mean, 'My kids are always going to be a higher priority than some woman'.

 

A lot of women need to be a top priority. Well, my kids are always going to be my top priority.

[runningfar]

I would be okay with dating a single dad only if he thought his kids came first... If I thought he put himself or a woman ahead then I would lose interest so fast.

 

 

My mother was a single mom. I know what's involved (kind of, from a different perspective) and that's okay with me.

 

My mom always said we came first. Didn't mean she didn't love or make time for my stepdad but he came to put us first too love them both

[Barnacle-Bob]

I dont understand this phrase.

 

I value my boyfriend AND my son. There is no ranking of my love or people in my life. I mean obviously, if my boyfriend started acting awful, or mistreating me, or mistresatnig my son, -- I would "pick" my son over him.

 

I dont ever choose time with my son over my BF and vice versa. I spend time with both of them as much as I am able.

 

I cannot honestly not think of one time I had to "prioritize" my son at the expense of my boyfriend.

 

Thats why I dont understand this phrase.

 

Are you saying some girls pressure you to take time that you are supposed to be with your children and get a babysitter to do something alone with them? Or is more of an intangible "prioritizing" they seek - like they want you to say to the them that SHE is the most improtant thing in your life, even more than your children???

 

Not attacking - just honestly curious. Thnx

 

I think it is a 'weeding out' philosophy. Women can be kooky about 'sharing' time, attention and love. So, I'm upfront and state that my kids are the most important thing in my life, and their needs come first.

 

Make no mistake. I have ZERO interest in a relationship, and having kids makes it easy to stay out of one. Dating, to me, when I do it at all, is a time killer. I'm always open to meeting new people, but I'm not up for engaging in the process. I would love to just be able to spend some time with somebody without the expectation of it leading to a certain outcome being a part of the deal. I just haven't found that yet. Even the divorced moms get that look in their eyes.

[zebracolors]

I used to think I would be against dating a man who is a father, until I met one who at least to me seemed to have the most beautiful outlook on life and has one of the most selfless goals in life, not just for himself but for his son and many other children. But anyway I guess, in a way I fell for this guy, but maybe too late. But not to digress from the topic. I would completely understand a man's child coming first, And Id never try to come between them. I kind of agree with Barnacle Bob and if I ever meet another father who I feel that way about again, I won't put any pressure on him for anything he doesn't want with me.

[tylerd]

I'm glad to hear there are women who would be more understanding of the time constraints of a single dad. I haven't been dating for very long and the women I've dated so far seem to want more than I do, they were nice and all. I have my kids and my own hobbies and that doesn't leave me much time for someone else. I have about 3 or 4 hours a week for dating, and maybe a full day once a month to spend with someone. At first they seem ok with that but as time goes on I can tell they want more and I just don't have it to give.

[phineas]

Single father of two young children, both under the age of 8.

 

And yes, dating sucks. I always try to find ladies with children close to my kids' ages and that seems to work out better. We can make excuses for "play-dates" to have more time together. It gets expensive with baby-sitting and with all the other responsibilities as a single father, it can be exhausting.

 

I don't know about you, but I AM A TRUE SINGLE FATHER, that is, I have full custody of my children. So you can imagine the logistic, time, financial complications that come into play. Some ladies want too much time and that's understandable. Just doesn't work for me.

 

It's rough, but haven't given up.

 

Since divorce i've had mine every weekend + a few days a week. Both 6&4 so yeah going out doesn't happen much.

And with the flakey nature of women getting a sitter for the weekend is just a waste of money.

 

And of the single mom's I met whose kids were close to mine in age?

They clearly expected me to treat their kids like my own while they wouldn't do the same. So buh-bye.

 

And yes I felt guilty ditching them.

But now my ex is taking them on weekends so I can actually go out.

IF I have anyone to go out with. LOL!

 

Otherwise i'd rather spend my time with them.

It just seems to me that single mom's arn't interested in me as much as women without kids.

Except, i'm learning there is a reason why a woman my age (around 40) doesn't have kids. She either can't have them/didn't want them or she's bat-chit crazy. LOL!

[soccerrprp]

Otherwise i'd rather spend my time with them.

It just seems to me that single mom's arn't interested in me as much as women without kids.

 

Really? You find women w/o children more interested? Interesting. Perhaps I should be seeking women w/o children too, huh?

[tylerd]

Really? You find women w/o children more interested? Interesting. Perhaps I should be seeking women w/o children too, huh?

 

I always thought of a woman without kids as being a red flag. But maybe I should reconsider that way of thinking as well. It would make things more simple, I wouldn't have to worry about playing favorite to my kids.

[Robman9911]

I always thought of a woman without kids as being a red flag. But maybe I should reconsider that way of thinking as well. It would make things more simple, I wouldn't have to worry about playing favorite to my kids.

 

I agree, It was nice the one women I dated with no kids.

 

But on the whole a woman needs to be either divorced or have kids to understand the strains of a single dad and/or a baby momma situation (yes she was my ex wife).

 

A woman hasnt ever been married, or had kids just dont get it. (of course there are exceptions but its been my experience)

[soccerrprp]

A woman hasnt ever been married, or had kids just dont get it. (of course there are exceptions but its been my experience)

 

This has been my concern and why I only dated ladies with children. Again, I will expand my options in the hopes that there are "understanding" ladies out there somewhere.

[phineas]

Really? You find women w/o children more interested? Interesting. Perhaps I should be seeking women w/o children too, huh?

 

Should of stated Interested in something CASUAL. Which is the only interest I seem to generate lately with women.

Unless they are single mom's with a crappy job & freshly divorced. I know they see me as relationship material because they are planning our future.

After the first date.

[RedRobin]

Single father of two young children, both under the age of 8.

 

And yes, dating sucks. I always try to find ladies with children close to my kids' ages and that seems to work out better. We can make excuses for "play-dates" to have more time together. It gets expensive with baby-sitting and with all the other responsibilities as a single father, it can be exhausting.

 

I don't know about you, but I AM A TRUE SINGLE FATHER, that is, I have full custody of my children. So you can imagine the logistic, time, financial complications that come into play. Some ladies want too much time and that's understandable. Just doesn't work for me.

 

It's rough, but haven't given up.

 

The good thing with you though, is that the next woman in your life might actually help fill the role of 'mom' eventually... meaning, she can develop a bond with them comfortably.

 

With most single dads, the kids have a mom... who also has her own schedule... and sometimes major cr*p if their relationship isn't functional... which seeps into the relationship. So, not only is the new woman juggling his schedule, and the kids schedule... but also the ex-wife's schedule.

 

Its a lot to ask of someone... and it comes across as a glorified FWB... not someone you are trying to incorporate into your life. It also is really unbalanced from an investment standpoint.

 

(FYI... kids aren't pets... my parents weren't divorced, but we had plenty of time to ourselves... I wish more parents... single and otherwise, would figure this out).

[RedRobin]

I always thought of a woman without kids as being a red flag. But maybe I should reconsider that way of thinking as well. It would make things more simple, I wouldn't have to worry about playing favorite to my kids.

 

There are lots of reasons why women don't have kids. Some couldn't... Some were just single during the period of their life when they could.

 

Some believe that responsible parenting requires two... and on and on.

 

What I find annoying about alot of men (in general) and with kids especially... is that they probably weren't the most attentive partners to begin with (that is why they are divorced)... now they expect someone they date to have the world STILL to revolve around them and their needs 24/7.

 

The kids are just a convenient excuse for him to manage things according to HIS timetable and excuse for being inflexible. When really, he always was.

 

You will find that healthy single women have full, active lives and commitments too... to friends, family, etc... that they aren't going to drop on a dime just because you wave the "but it's my kid" flag.

[pyramid]

I am finding I am not able to maintain any kind of relationship for more than 2 months.

 

This isn't a single dad thing, this is a relationship thing. That's roughly the amount of time that it lasts when it's not a great match - for whatever reason!

 

I am a full-time single mom and have dated guys with kids and without kids. There are pros and cons to both! I honestly don't have a clear preference, but I will say that the more kids they have, the more complicated it gets. One is great (I have one), two is ok. Three is too many for me.

 

The thing I struggle with is making sure that the guy is open to being a stepdad. It's hard to know when to ask that question, because you don't want to scare them off, but you don't want to waste anyone's time either.