confusedsoul1 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 So recently me and my girlfriend of 3 years had a bit of a falling out. I had noticed she'd become quite distant in the recent week and it drew a red flag for me. It turns out she was talking to another guy from her home country who she hadn't seen in almost 5 years. This man just so happens to be her first love but they never dated or became intimate (only kissed). After going through some of their conversations (all of which took place on a hidden texting application she downloaded to her phone) I had noticed that this was no "friendly talking". Some of the things said were: "I want you so badly.. I want you too", "I want to come visit you so badly", "I miss you.. even after 5 years I still have feelings for you" and it even went as far as the male telling her he wants to marry her. She also sent him pictured in her bra and panties. Anyways she blamed me for this and said I was lacking romance and the way that he spoke to her made her feel good about herself. She told me she didn't want to stop speaking with him and would not tell him off. Instead she just deleted the application and said it doesn't matter what she wants, shes not going to talk to him anymore. I still haven't been able to cope with just letting this go but I've been trying to. The days following this fight seemed to be getting better but it seemed as if no matter how much attention I received from her it wasn't enough. Given it was probably because the only time we got to spend together was basically only at the gym. Due to our work schedules, our time is always very limited and we go to the gym early, then I drop her off at home right after and don't see her again until the next day to repeat that same routine. Her only days off are Tuesday and Saturday and mine are Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She is a waitress and works very late on Friday... up until about 2am Saturday morning. Then she comes to my house to spend the night which normally entails her getting here and passing right out. My problem is even with all that's just gone on in the last week and a half, shes deciding to take on more hours at work and even babysit a neighbors kid. For example she just told me today she agreed to work a double tomorrow so we can't even goto the gym and shes not going to be out of work until midnight-1am. She also decided to take on babysitting this Saturday as well. I guess my question is should I be looking at this as a sign? I mean she seems happier to be with me than ever before and actually complains about the work she agreed to take on but all we've been talking about it getting better and closer and she seems to not have the time to do so. Is it normal to feel so unimportant in a situation like this and do you think I'm wrong to think that this is a little screwed up?
NickiMcHeart Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 First thing is first: This is not your fault at ALL, nor does it seem like it has anything to do with you per say. The trap of blaming yourself for when someone else is taking advantage of your feelings is a trap I've fallen into so many times. Get out of that mindset. It seems like this girl is just simply checking out of the relationship, but doesn't exactly want to let it go (usually this is because they want at least something to fall back on). If she is saying these things to this guy, and they don't even live in the same area, it would say to me that emotionally she just wants affection from several different places. Some people are with the absolute perfect partner, yet the thirst for attention is never quenched and they still just feel the need to talk to others. Intimate or not, walking on your feelings isn't cool for anyone to do. My advice: Run fast and hard, while you still can.
yessy21 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 This isnt your fault. She just wants more attention than what can be given to her at the time. Honestly, I think what she did was a disrespect and i believe that she will not stop talking to him just like that, therefore the relationship isnt going to progress correctly. One because she did something disrespectful. Two because she is not fulfilled in her relationship with you. I think you should end it and be with someone that wont disrespect your relationship and is more honest about telling you that you werent paying attention to her. I also think that you should totally DUMP HER.... wait ... i already mentioned that.
Author confusedsoul1 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 I also forgot to mention that her workplace is full of co-workers who constantly try to take her out, ask for kisses, and do other inappropriate things. She told me that because I couldn't let go of the online affair easily that I was smothering her and completely flipped the blame on me. I agreed to try to not bring it up but now I feel like if I bring up the work situation shes going to tell me I'm smothering her again because she will take it as I'm jealous of her co-workers.
yessy21 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Dude, this isnt going to work out and if i were you... id let go before i get even more hurt than i will already be. She is showing the classic signs of someone who finds you disposable.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I wouldnt say it was all your fault. This is cheating....she is emotionally connected to another person. The question to ask is why did this happen? What was happening in the relationship to cause this? Cheating doesnt happen on its own---something else triggered it. Given your schedules it sounds as if you guys havent had a chance to spend time together. Has there been talk of her trying to switch her schedule so that you two had both Saturday and Sunday off? As you described you arent having quality relationship time together.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I also forgot to mention that her workplace is full of co-workers who constantly try to take her out, ask for kisses, and do other inappropriate things. She told me that because I couldn't let go of the online affair easily that I was smothering her and completely flipped the blame on me. I agreed to try to not bring it up but now I feel like if I bring up the work situation shes going to tell me I'm smothering her again because she will take it as I'm jealous of her co-workers. She looks at what she can get from work where they are hitting on her and then she comes to you and doesnt get this attention that she obviously craves. What you did in response to her cheating is not smothering....that is entirely natural. It goes to back to you now needing to time to reestablish your trust in her. As the other poster said---this may be hopeless where she will always look for something better and dump you when she can--like many women---she doesnt want to be alone without a bf so she is looking for a better bf to come along to replace you before she ends it with you.
Quiet Storm Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) I guess my question is should I be looking at this as a sign? Yes. She is dishonest and sneaky. You deserve better. A person's morals/values/standards should not change based on another person's actions. If they do, that is a sign of poor character. In your case, she is blaming you. She says you neglected her, which resulted in her seeking out attention from another man. If she is an honest person, who thinks that lying and cheating are wrong, those values and standards would remain intact, regardless of the amount of attention you were giving her. She would talk to you and tell you that she needs more attention from you. If you didn't meet her needs, she would break up with you, before she sought out another man to meet those needs. A person with good character would not blame someone else for their bad behavior or poor decisions. You are thinking that the problem is that you need more time together. That may have been the original problem. However, now that she was sending sexy pics and talking dirty to her first love, the original problem should not be your focus. It would be like worrying about a papercut on your finger when you have a gaping gash in your leg that's spewing blood. What matters is how she dealt with that first problem, which would have been managable. She reacted in a way that shows you what kind of person she really is. Don't ignore that. Edited March 27, 2013 by Quiet Storm 1
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 First thing is first: This is not your fault at ALL, nor does it seem like it has anything to do with you per say. This is almost never true.
Author confusedsoul1 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 The thing is when I asked her how he spoke to her she muttered a list of things I say to her everyday. She said I know you say these things but it sounds better in Spanish. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 So set her free to listen to sweet nothings in Spanish!
yessy21 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 The thing is when I asked her how he spoke to her she muttered a list of things I say to her everyday. She said I know you say these things but it sounds better in Spanish. You need to let her go. Obviously she is just not into you.
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