mtnbiker3000 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Just getting back to my old self post BU and discovering I became a different person while in the RS. Wondering where I went, when I left and why? Does this always happen? Does everyone do this?
McGriff Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I did the same thing bud. I was confident, independent, and had alot of friends. But when I got with her, everything just clicked and we were in a whirlwind of passion and spent every available hour of everyday together. Somehow, she managed to stay within herself, but I didn't. I was sacrificing my friends, my LIFE, to be with her all the time. Now that I've had time to reflect, it is really pathetic. I am happy that I am finding myself again. I like who I was, not who a became.
lovelyde Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 When you're with your true love, you won't have to change who you are. And you won't feel subconsciously obligated to change for another person. Basically, your soulmate and you don't change even when you're around one another. However, she and you will have exact things in common so there's no chance of changing anyway. -
spirius Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I did exactly the same thing. Out in the cold now as let my friendship circle diminish and spent all my free time with her. It was fighting for my identity that broke us tbh. Spent the first year watching tv in bed with her and the second year struggling to write regularly etc didnt go so well relationship wise. hence i blame myself.
carhill Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I found, at least while our M was healthy, to be 'enhanced' in those positives I brought to the marital table. IMO, some of the perception of 'losing oneself' results from the interpersonal dynamic of loving another an focusing oneself 'outside' rather than totally 'within' in an intimate way. This change of focus may be variable depending upon one's empathy setpoint. Someone who is generally empathetic and focusing outward will see less 'change' than a person who tends to focus inward, presuming similar levels of outward focus towards the same love interest. 'Why' is essentially a product of the brain chemistry of pair bonding.
Cogee Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Totally agree with carhill, this is just normal stuff with bonding. You create a couple identity that works for both of you, which sometimes means you change from your former single self. There is nothing wrong with that unless you feel you lose your identity in order to stay in the couple, and it negatively affects your self-esteem or quality of life. With my last ex, I had to make a few sacrifices in order to pursue her long distance and I did greatly miss doing those things but I knew that for the relationship to work out I'd have to gladly make those sacrifices. I missed them for sure, but I saw the light at the end of the tunnel (moving closer to her, finishing school) and knew I'd have time eventually. I don't think I 'lost' myself with her, but more I carved a new more rich identity. 1
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