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Pedestal no more, 3 things you want to do better, 3 you do well, and 4 you dont want

garnettandblack84

By garnettandblack84
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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garnettandblack84 Member

garnettandblack84

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So I was sitting here today thinking about my ex. Thinking about how we were supposed to be living together now, enjoying all of these glorious moments. Then like a ton of bricks the fact that she has a new BF and has moved on hit me. Then him messaging me via facebook and telling me if I would have loved her and cared I wouldn't be in this position. Now, I thought that a thread like this could help. I will start, name 3 things you want to do better in your next relationship, 3 things you did well, and 4 things that you don't want from a partner in your relationship. Time to take them off a pedestal and start loving ourselves.

 

3 things to do better next time around(there will be a next time people :D)

1) Work on neediness

2) Continue my growth as a man to facilitate the relationship

3) Appreciate the small things, not expect the person to do things the way I would

 

3 Things you did well (yes, you did do things well)

1. Was romantic and sweet, wrote poems, talked about our feelings, etc

2) Traveled as much as possible in a LDR, gave my full effort

3) Took care of her very well in the bedroom (censors)

 

4 Things I don't want from a partner in the future

1) Someone who doesn't appreciate me as a person

2) Someone who cannot talk or express their feelings

3) Someone who only has friends with whom they drink with, or not many deep connections in their lives

4) Someone who has a track record of all of a sudden cutting ties with people

 

 

This all just made me feel better, it gave me hope that yes I did do some **** right, and NO she wasn't even close to everything I wanted. I don't want this to turn into a bashing of ex's just a simple Self-esteem boost and honesty of what you dont want. We don't need details as to what they did, just what you have learned about your next partner this time around. Cheers guys, this just helped me out and I hope it helps someone else too.

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Own Worst Enemy Established Member

Own Worst Enemy

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3 things to do better

 

- He said it was how I look. I don't look that bad, frankly, he has major Issues. But I would still like to shift the last couple of pesky pounds and be fitter and healthier. So I will hit the gym more.

- Not to let anyone else control my happiness but me

- Not to ignore red flags ever again

 

3 things I did well

 

- I was amazing to him. This is why he is, in his own words, "desperate" to keep me in his life, and why I am "the best person" he has ever met.

- I tried. I'd be happy if I met someone who treated me the way I treated him.

- I gave 100%. You can't do more than that.

 

4 things I don't want

 

- Emotional f*ckwittage

- Selfishness and immaturity

- Someone who steals my childhood cuddly toys and thinks they are real

- Someone who makes me feel bad about myself but wants to take all the good stuff anyway

  • Like 2
McGriff Established Member

McGriff

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3 things I could have done better

 

1) lost myself

2) in the end, depended on her for my happiness

3) sacrificed time with my friends trying to spend too much time with her (and there is such a thing as TOO MUCH time together)

 

3 things I did good

 

1) I gave 100%

2) I spoiled her, and let her know she was loved

3) I lived life to the fullest

 

4 things I don't want in future relationships

 

1) I don't want someone just out of a long term relationship

2) I don't want someone immature

3) I don't want a cheater

4) I don't want someone who is selfish

  • Like 3
Wabisabi Established Member

Wabisabi

Posted
Posted
3 things to do better

 

- He said it was how I look. I don't look that bad, frankly, he has major Issues. But I would still like to shift the last couple of pesky pounds and be fitter and healthier. So I will hit the gym more.

- Not to let anyone else control my happiness but me

- Not to ignore red flags ever again

 

3 things I did well

 

- I was amazing to him. This is why he is, in his own words, "desperate" to keep me in his life, and why I am "the best person" he has ever met.

- I tried. I'd be happy if I met someone who treated me the way I treated him.

- I gave 100%. You can't do more than that.

 

4 things I don't want

 

- Emotional f*ckwittage

- Selfishness and immaturity

- Someone who steals my childhood cuddly toys and thinks they are real

- Someone who makes me feel bad about myself but wants to take all the good stuff anyway

 

LOL!

 

Ok my 3 things to do better:-

 

1) No more being needy.

2) Love and respect myself too.

3) Take heed of my intuition and pay attention to red flags.

 

3 things I did well:-

 

1) I gave my love 100%

2) I was there for him when he needed love and help. (I'm really proud of myself for this. I used to be so selfish...)

3) I always have his best interest in mind. I'd always be thinking what I could do to help him achieve his goals, support him to be a better person, encouraging him when he needs a push, etc.

 

4 things I don't want:-

 

1) An immature man

2) A selfish man

3) Someone who can't communicate his thoughts well with me.

4) Someone who breaks promises.

 

Good thread. Makes me think and feel good.

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Wabisabi Established Member

Wabisabi

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- Someone who steals my childhood cuddly toys and thinks they are real

 

LOL!

 

Ok my 3 things to do better:-

 

1) No more being needy.

2) Love and respect myself too.

3) Take heed of my intuition and pay attention to red flags.

 

3 things I did well:-

 

1) I gave my love 100%

2) I was there for him when he needed love and help. (I'm really proud of myself for this. I used to be so selfish...)

3) I always have his best interest in mind. I'd always be thinking what I could do to help him achieve his goals, support him to be a better person, encouraging him when he needs a push, etc.

 

4 things I don't want:-

 

1) An immature man

2) A selfish man

3) Someone who can't communicate his thoughts well with me.

4) Someone who breaks promises.

 

Good thread. Makes me think and feel good.

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Wabisabi Established Member

Wabisabi

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Oops! Sorry about my earlier unedited post.

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garnettandblack84 Member

garnettandblack84

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this is great stuff y'all. Let's get more people to comment and think about all the good things about our selves. We will move on, and together will stay strong. So awesome! Thanks for sharing

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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3 thing i can do better

 

my mindset i am not worthy of love or proper treatment

sacrifice my basic needs for anothers desires

not everything is my fault,accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference

 

 

 

3 things i do well

 

I make a guy feel super special in every way and anyway i can,

I am honest, giving, loving understanding and accepting

will stand by that guys side through good and bad........there is no changing my mind...i will stand until i cant stand up

 

 

4 things i dont want

 

 

a guy who hates kids

a guy who uses abuse to control me or tries to control what i believe to be true

a guy who is ignorant and not passionate

a guy who cant love me the same way i love them this time it has to be euqal

  • Like 1
Wabisabi Established Member

Wabisabi

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my mindset i am not worthy of love or proper treatment

Every person is worthy of love and proper treatment. Remember you're no exception. ;)

Compromize Established Member

Compromize

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Posted

OK I'll bite:

 

3 Things I Will Do Better:

 

> Not Be As Needy

> Not Depend On Another for Happiness

> Not Compromise on Non-Negotiables

 

3 Things I Do Well

 

> Spoil My Woman, Cherish Her, Listen to Her

> Being Romantic, Passionate, Fun

> Loyal, Hardworking, Do ALL the Housework, Love Kids and Take Very Good Care of them (And Kids Love Me!)

 

3 Things I Don't Want

 

> A Postponed Future or Lack of One

> A Woman Who Doesn't Have Time for A Real Relationship

> A Woman that Has A History of Leaving

 

:)

  • Like 3
Vash808 New Member

Vash808

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3 things I can do better

 

1: No more smothering or being needy

2: Not to expect them to do things how I would

3: Not take things for granted

 

3 things I do well

 

1: Make a girl feel like she's the only girl in the world

2: I always have her best interest in mind. I'd always be thinking what I could do to help her achieve her goals, support her to be a better person, encouraging her when she needs a push, etc.

3: I would always be thinking of special things I could do for her each and everyday

 

4 things I dont want

 

1: Someone who can't communicate their thoughts and feelings well with me

2: Someone who is immature and has no sense of direction

3: Someone who can't love me the way I love them

4: Someone who rather spend their time with friends rather then their family

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garnettandblack84 Member

garnettandblack84

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Today has been a really tough day for me, reading this thread and seeing more people post all the good stuff about themselves has really been awesome. I love it. Not enough of that around here. We are all here to grow as people, and that is better than what most people want. Keep it up guys and gals. Inspire to be inspired.

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Wabisabi Established Member

Wabisabi

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Today has been a really tough day for me, reading this thread and seeing more people post all the good stuff about themselves has really been awesome. I love it. Not enough of that around here. We are all here to grow as people, and that is better than what most people want. Keep it up guys and gals. Inspire to be inspired.

 

I hope more people respond to this too. To think of those questions, writing them down and reading others' comments are quite empowering.

 

And notice how most people disliked themselves for being too needy? I think that's a huge contributing factor to our break ups.

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Compromize Established Member

Compromize

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And notice how most people disliked themselves for being too needy? I think that's a huge contributing factor to our break ups.

 

I know it contributed to mine. The song "Hold on Loosely" by 38 Special comes to my mind every time I think of my neediness.

 

 

But at the same time, if it was a truly reciprocal relationship, wouldn't wanting to spend time with the one you love not be considered needy? I don't know.... :confused:

I just wanted to be with her every chance I got. Which wasn't very much IMO...

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garnettandblack84 Member

garnettandblack84

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yea man i understand that type of thinking, I think that neediness can come in healthy and unhealthy forms. For me it came from a place of not having something filled from my past, I was expecting for her to be that hole. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for a fact that my neediness did not help the relationship. Was it my fault, no, was it her fault, no. Was it a combined situational fault of life, yes. We all go through these, we all move on. Usually we become better people, and meet better people. For me its hard to imagine her moving on first, check, then falling in love first, check, but we can only work on our selves people. Loving your self will be the most empowering step in all of this, im working on getting there. Let's do it together

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Compromize Established Member

Compromize

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Posted (edited)
For me it came from a place of not having something filled from my past, I was expecting for her to be that hole.

 

Same here for me! After being neglected for so many years in a marriage, she gave me the love and attention I desired for so very long. She filled that for me and I couldn't get enough. I put my happiness in that and in her and that was wrong of me. Accepting what you have and not pushing/pulling for more is the best way. Too late for me I think but a lesson I am learning the hard way. That's why this BU with her is so devastating, I truly saw my future with her and us growing old together, happy and blissfully in love.

 

Becoming a better person by myself and through myself is what I am working on now. Wish I could share that with her but not my decision to make at this point. It was truly a combined situational fault of my life before her, as you so eloquently put.

 

Good post!

Edited by Compromize
Wabisabi Established Member

Wabisabi

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I know it contributed to mine. The song "Hold on Loosely" by 38 Special comes to my mind every time I think of my neediness.

 

 

But at the same time, if it was a truly reciprocal relationship, wouldn't wanting to spend time with the one you love not be considered needy? I don't know.... :confused:

I just wanted to be with her every chance I got. Which wasn't very much IMO...

Yeah, I'm still trying to understand fully what it means by wanting someone but not needing someone. Is that like when you love a person, you want them but if they're not there you don't feel the need? I'm not sure coz for me when I love someone I need him. Or maybe it means not needing as in not losing yourself?? For me, the needy part came after our first break up. The fear of losing him again made me needy and insecure. And perhaps being too needy made us available to them ALL the time(at least in my case it was like that) and so they took us for granted, then got bored and fell out of love?

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garnettandblack84 Member

garnettandblack84

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Yeah, I'm still trying to understand fully what it means by wanting someone but not needing someone. Is that like when you love a person, you want them but if they're not there you don't feel the need? I'm not sure coz for me when I love someone I need him. Or maybe it means not needing as in not losing yourself?? For me, the needy part came after our first break up. The fear of losing him again made me needy and insecure. And perhaps being too needy made us available to them ALL the time(at least in my case it was like that) and so they took us for granted, then got bored and fell out of love?

 

yes for me I believe the needy aspect of the relationship came after she had done this to me the first time. I put up with this a couple times in our relationship, thinking each time would be different. It eventually led to mistrust and flat out resentment on my part.

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