NickiMcHeart Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 My boyfriend is a nerd. I absolutely love it, because its something about him that I find cute and it makes me happy to see him doing things that he likes. But....I think there's a limit. We are talking about moving in together soon, but I feel like I don't even see him anymore...and we've been in the same house together for about a month straight now, just seeing how everything works. WELL, this isn't what I expected. 1: Get up in the morning in a bad mood because he stayed up late to play video games 2: Go to work as a plumber, where he gets a bunch of crap all over him 3: Comes home, ALREADY with an attitude because he assumes I'm going to complain when he runs to the computer 4: Runs to the computer I make sure I do little things every day, like keep myself together and make sure I'm always looking good. His friends often make comments about how he even got with a girl like me, and even though that bothers him he STILL takes me for granted. Annnnd repeat. Now, the thing is, when he runs off to get into his virtual world, I don't really complain. I kind of just sit there and do my own thing. Apparently, this is no good as I'm supposed to sit right behind him and ENJOY watching him type all night. I think it would be more tolerable if he didn't zone out to the point where he doesn't even listen anymore. I guess my real point of discussion, do I take it personal? Is he uninterested in the relationship, or are all younger guys way too concerned with gaming and singular interests to be a "great" boyfriend? Am I just too needy? So many questions, I know. I'm starting school AND work again soon, so it's not like he won't have space to himself. Is he bored of me? Or are video games really just that great? .... Gahhhh relationships!
iKING Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 He's sucked into a virtual world, become complacent in the relationship, and may have a borderline gaming addiction. Just things to consider. Games really are that fun for some individuals, but they sure don't beat a real relationship and living in the real world. An hour a day? Sure, sounds like a fun little break from life. Nonstop everyday? He's gone. It's not so much the constant gaming that's an issue, It's the being in a relationship while constantly gaming that seems to be the issue. Perhaps he should be with a girl that wants to play video games with him all day? I don't know. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Great feedback from the King. I won't repeat. The point of dating is to find someone compatible. You progress along and at each step, learn more to help you make your decision. Now that you are almost living together, you've discovered things about his choices and lifestyle that would impact his ability to meet your needs in a relationship. Two choices, in part dependent on his assessment and wants, not just yours: You both adjust and compromise to find a happy medium that allows both of your needs to be met in your relationship.You walk away because one or both of you are unwilling to make the needed changes for a mutually satisfying relationship. Someone who spends all his non-working, waking hours playing video games, often has neither the time nor the inclination to change or to participate effectively in a live-in relationship. Not sure what games he plays, but some are fairly addictive. 4
iKING Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 A relationship is a two-way street. Currently, his is only going one way. I agree with what cutiepie said, on both posts. The unfortunate part is that's a hard habit to break, but I am all means behind you trying at an attempt for compromise. It could either completely irritate him, or he'll be open to reducing his time spent gaming. It may or may not fix things, but It's at least a start, and if he simply refuses, it may be time to consider the relationship as a whole. There's only so much one can do to try to bring a relationship to a eye-to-eye level prior to finding someone more compatible. If you seriously love the man, try it. If he's worth his salt, he'll be open to compromise. As a side note, he plays League of Legends. It's not even a very good game. 2
venusianx13 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 None of your concerns or wants for more attention sound unreasonable. Did you have any inkling of this before you began cohabiting? Either way, you say you've been living under the same roof to "see how things go", right? Perhaps you really need to approach him, seriously (not in a nagging or accusatory way), and calmly tell him how you're feeling. Also, could you see yourself living with this day in and day out? If not, tell him that you're not sure that moving in together is the wisest of ideas anymore. Hopefully that'll inspire some change. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Yikes! I just read your other thread on your boyfriend. Look, the guy has anger management issues, mistreats his own mother, and is facing criminal charges for drug possession. Oh...and he breaks up with you for no reason! Why oh why would you involve yourself with someone like this?? Are you looking for a dead end, unhappy life, likely with an abusive partner. Please move on while you still can. You deserve way, way better!
Author NickiMcHeart Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 It's NOT a good game to me, not interesting at all. I told him if he could find a game that we both liked, I would be more than happy to delve into it and at least give it a try. I'm willing to compromise more than most in a relationship, sometimes to my chagrin. I feel a bit better knowing that the time I have noticed the change was in the transition when it got REALLY ungodly cold here in Michigan and just wasn't nice to do many things other than stay inside. Maybe, now that it is getting warm again things will change.
Keenly Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Girl over the game every time, that being said if they are hanging out with me for five hours I'm gonna want to play some games asap. Your dude needs to make some time for you, and realize he is lucky to have you. Idk what to suggest other than then withdraw and if that changes nothing then what choice do you have other than to leave
iKING Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 It's NOT a good game to me, not interesting at all. I told him if he could find a game that we both liked, I would be more than happy to delve into it and at least give it a try. I'm willing to compromise more than most in a relationship, sometimes to my chagrin. I feel a bit better knowing that the time I have noticed the change was in the transition when it got REALLY ungodly cold here in Michigan and just wasn't nice to do many things other than stay inside. Maybe, now that it is getting warm again things will change. LoL is incredibly boring, the fact that you've come to the table with a compromise (finding a game you both enjoy), and yet he's unwilling to oblige, isn't a pretty sign. If you two should move in together, this is a trait bound to resurface later on. You don't want to be bending over backwards to keep things together. Perhaps so, and I always appreciate an optimistic attitude, but I don't see it changing anytime soon unless you talk to him about it. Not in a accusing manner, but in an understanding manner, if you're looking for any sort of a positive outcome. If you wish to wait until summer, and feel as though you can tolerate it until then to see if it looks upward, do so, but don't let it go on endlessly.
Author NickiMcHeart Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 I just feel sort of confused lately. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that my daily learning consists of analyzing everyone (and I wish I knew how to turn it off), or if I just started seeing things differently one day. I used to be SO sure that if a guy wasn't everything I wanted, I would just dump him and say "his loss". I think that my own mindset is my undoing, because I'm starting to realize that perhaps I budge too much. I just spoke to someone who put it in a way that REALLY struck me.... Perhaps he thinks that its AWESOME I'm willing to just sit there, let it happen, and still be with him. Maybe he's trying to milk it because I don't stand up for myself. He probably thinks he's in heaven, it's like having a girlfriend without having to actually make a sacrifice. When we first met, his best friends girlfriend told me he was the most selfish person she's ever met. While I don't think it's that bad, it does sort of ring a tad more true than what I originally thought of him. 1
yessy21 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Niki... I totally understand you. my bf is a gaming addict. He will play EVerquest all day if he could. When i met his mother she told me that when he used to play World of Warcraft it was so bad that he wouldnt even pay attention to his wife or children. She ended up leaving him for his addiction. He lost his job and just played video games until she left him. He got therapy but it was a soso effect. When i met him he didnt seem that interested in playing as much. but then he got comftorable. The other day... we had a discussion about the video games and our relationship. He flat out told me. Im not going to stop playing. I said... thats not what i asked you. i asked you to not GLUE your A*** to the seat for 9 hours a day, ignoring your responsobilities. I didnt scream argue or make any threats. I realisticly told him. I cant be with someone who ignores me to play Everquest. and if this is the way it is... then we need to be happy our own seperate ways. then i added, that the truth is ... noone can really deal with that, its unhealthy and he stared at the floor... turned off the computer layed down on the bed and said ... Now Im Bored. are u happy now? the next day... he came home from work and he went straight to the computer. One side eye and he got off. I guess what im trying to tell you is... its not going to change.... unless you say something flat out serious. in a respectful manner also. and either way with that it wont stop completley. the only difference will be that when u say u need to do this he will probrably do it. If he shuts you out completley after that then there is no saving your relationship unless you make it 100 percent clear to him that it will be over. Word of Advice: Dont have kids with him if he is still playing like that. I learned that from hearing the way that the poor girl before me had to deal with 2 kids while this dude played all day and she would have to take a bus with the kids to a daycare and then work. thankfully, He knows never to play that card with me. Cause i already told him.... i aint dealing with it. And i dont plan on having kids with him just because he still plays daily. Sorry but my momma didnt raise no fool. P.S (Sorry about the long reply!) 3
Author NickiMcHeart Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Niki... I totally understand you. my bf is a gaming addict. He will play EVerquest all day if he could. When i met his mother she told me that when he used to play World of Warcraft it was so bad that he wouldnt even pay attention to his wife or children. She ended up leaving him for his addiction. He lost his job and just played video games until she left him. He got therapy but it was a soso effect. When i met him he didnt seem that interested in playing as much. but then he got comftorable. The other day... we had a discussion about the video games and our relationship. He flat out told me. Im not going to stop playing. I said... thats not what i asked you. i asked you to not GLUE your A*** to the seat for 9 hours a day, ignoring your responsobilities. I didnt scream argue or make any threats. I realisticly told him. I cant be with someone who ignores me to play Everquest. and if this is the way it is... then we need to be happy our own seperate ways. then i added, that the truth is ... noone can really deal with that, its unhealthy and he stared at the floor... turned off the computer layed down on the bed and said ... Now Im Bored. are u happy now? the next day... he came home from work and he went straight to the computer. One side eye and he got off. I guess what im trying to tell you is... its not going to change.... unless you say something flat out serious. in a respectful manner also. and either way with that it wont stop completley. the only difference will be that when u say u need to do this he will probrably do it. If he shuts you out completley after that then there is no saving your relationship unless you make it 100 percent clear to him that it will be over. Word of Advice: Dont have kids with him if he is still playing like that. I learned that from hearing the way that the poor girl before me had to deal with 2 kids while this dude played all day and she would have to take a bus with the kids to a daycare and then work. thankfully, He knows never to play that card with me. Cause i already told him.... i aint dealing with it. And i dont plan on having kids with him just because he still plays daily. Sorry but my momma didnt raise no fool. P.S (Sorry about the long reply!) I think the push I needed was received. I think tonight will be a discussion about what I'm feeling. I'm sort of excited to let it out, honestly. Thank you guys so much. 3
iKING Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I think the push I needed was received. I think tonight will be a discussion about what I'm feeling. I'm sort of excited to let it out, honestly. Thank you guys so much. Best of luck to you, I hope it goes well. Report back if you wish for more advice.
yessy21 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 GOod Luck, and remember its just a talk.. not an argument.
venusianx13 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) FTR, my bf plays LoL, too. He doesn't outright ignore me to play it, because there was an occasion (and this might sound harsh) where he was expecting me at his house toward the beginning of our relationship, and when I arrived, he was engaged in a game. I flat out told him, "You know, you invited me over. If you wanted to play video games, you shouldn't have invited me." And I had every intention of leaving at that point, but he decided to shut the game down. First and only time I've had a personal problem with it, because I think I made my point. But I've noticed that if I'm not around, he neglects his homeowner duties to play... (i.e. doesn't take out the garbage, lets dishes pile up in the sink, etc.) He still hasn't prepared his taxes because he gets sucked into playing for an hour or two when he's alone at home. *SMH* Edited March 28, 2013 by venusianx13 1
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