Athens Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I visit both this forum and the OW/OM forum to see both sides of this issue. I have noticed that when a thread gets hot here it ends up over there. Is that a defense mechanism? Do you think that AP's and former AP's feel like they need to soothe themselves into believing their A was different and he/she went back to their spouses over something other than love and desire? Anyone can post on this thread- I like hearing both sides as it helps me understand why my H's former AP is acting the way she is rather than walking away like she told him she would-
Author Athens Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks Ladies for your input- I guess for me, I am trying to figure out when the OW will just let it go and leave us alone-its interesting for me to see both sides so I can understand why she is doing what she is doing-not trying to lump all OW's in one bucket, just trying to understand. I feel like she is competing with our marriage and its so odd since she swore to my H she was in it for the same reasons as he was- When I see competing threads I wonder why- you all have given really good reasons for it and I appreciate the input-
Got it Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Athens, it is hard for anyone to speak for one specific individual. You may here some general information but her why's may be and will be specific to her emotional make up and the specifics in her life/affair. NC is usually a good way to finally cut off any contact. You are cutting off energy flow/ it is one sided, and eventually it will/should die out. What I have seen, and this is just my reading on forums is that when an OP does leave it can be caused that the MP is in fact contacting them/providing energy. I am not implying this is happening in your case but just a thought. If she is contacting and it is at a level that she is harassing, I would pursue legal actions. Sometimes just a conversation with a police officer is enough to get someone to stop contacting. Just some thoughts.
eleanorrigby Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I think it's out human condition to battle and take sides. I'm trying to get past that...but's it's not easy. 1
Author Athens Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks Elenor- She calls my cell and leaves messages- calls his cell and leaves messages-I know I should delete without listening but I guess I am interested to know where she is mentally and if she is any threat to my family. Its all so very odd and sad to me. Its like she just fooled herself. I saw the text exchange when H initiated NC and it clearly said- we talked about this and were both in agreement that if my W found out, it was over because she is where I want to be-the OW even texted back that she knew that and that he never lied about that. I had him call her and talk with her that day because I felt like a text was too impersonal and left a door open. I agree with her drawing energy from intruding on our life-it makes me mad and honestly a bit sad for her. I have my FB locked down but it seems she can still see it as sometimes her calls reference things happening in our lives- and she lives in another state-
eleanorrigby Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 The settings on FB can be so confusing and it's so easy to have a hole somewhere that you don't see and just when you think you have it all figured out, FB changes something. Uggg! FB is the devil! 1
busdriver Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I've been reading much longer than I've been posting, and I notice the thread wars too. I think it goes in phases here: mostly the environment is supportive for all, but there will be these times where it seems OP's and BS's feel defensive against each other. ANd the WS's defensive against anybody! So if a thread in the Infidelity section gets a lot of responses, there tends to appear a "mirror" thread on the Other section and vice versa. The threads on whether sex is still happenig and why - this is one example. The general idea (I emphasize GENERAL idea! Dont' want to get stuck on this!) of the one on the Infidelity section read like: "We were still having sex, and we are still having sex now. Lots of sex. And it's really sexy." Then the one on the Other section reads like a response: "We totally knew that and we don't care. Besides, s/he told us it sucked." Both threads seem to be conversation with the "opposite" side. Lots of mirror threads spring up here also that seem to be trying to work out the WS's feelings from both sides. Does s/he think about the AP? Does s/he really want to be married? Why did the WS stray, and why with this AP? The thing is that usually (USUALLY, don't get stuck) neither the BS nor the OW actually know any of this stuff for sure, and both sides are trying to ask strangers to help them read someone else's mind. And no one can do that, so they end up defensive against what looks like an attack on somethig they choose to believe, like "MM really loved me", "OW never meant anything to MM", "WS only stayed for the kids," etc. But it's a lot of energy directed at strangers who are here for support, and tearing your heads up over someone who lied to both, so no one will ever know for sure. 9
eleanorrigby Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 "We were still having sex, and we are still having sex now. Lots of sex. And it's really sexy." That made me spit out my coffee!
wanting more Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I Started one on the OW/OM side after reading one on the infedelity board. It was said that my (OW) opinions were not welcome so I started my own. depending on which side you're on, the answers you get. OW post on the infedility side and vise versa but sometimes it gets too heated and you lose sight of the original question. And sometimes its really offensive to some people (both sides). The example LadyGrey brought up (affaired down) hit a nerve with me but then after reading some of the posts, I realized I'd stay off that thread. It just gives you both sides to see, and it's better than having your thread shut down because things get ugly. 1
seren Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I think that, in general (not the forum), most BS who post here are XBS, who have gone through a D Day and so are able to discuss from the viewpoint of someone who has lived through the WS covering up, spilling the beans, experience of the AP etc. Most OW/OM are in the A, so the perspective is bound to be different. I also think there is a degree of competitiveness, not sure that is the right word, but difference of experience and perspective that shows up time and time again. The posts I hate, from both sides, are those that are intended to hurt and there are plenty of those. I also dislike those that are intended to personally attack a poster. The beauty of a site like LS, for me at least, is that I sought it when I was so dammed hurt and had no one else to talk to who understood how I felt and found support and a degree of understanding about A's. That some AP's chose to prod vulnerable me said more about their insecurities than mine, and TBH I just didn't know why. If I talk about how good it is for me and H, it is because we have reconciled and are in a good place, it isn't said to hurt an AP and I can understand why an AP would want to do the same on the other side. BUT, the new threads that are made simply to stir and hurt make no sense, I always assume a nerve has been hit. I always find it best to stay away from threads that may push my buttons. I have gained a lot from some posts that have differing experiences than my own and others not so. I just think we are coming from different sides, one that has been hurt by something they have no control over and the other where they have a choice. Competition? Defence mechanism? maybe. Personally speaking, I have never felt in competition with the OW and have done nothing to need to defend myself, I do notice different rules seem to apply at times, but chalk it up to vulnerable people saying hurtful things. 2
nofool4u Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I have brought threads from "over there" to here to discuss because I will not post in the "other" forum.
Summer Breeze Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I visit both this forum and the OW/OM forum to see both sides of this issue. I have noticed that when a thread gets hot here it ends up over there. Is that a defense mechanism? Do you think that AP's and former AP's feel like they need to soothe themselves into believing their A was different and he/she went back to their spouses over something other than love and desire? Anyone can post on this thread- I like hearing both sides as it helps me understand why my H's former AP is acting the way she is rather than walking away like she told him she would- I actually find this kind of a 2 pronged OP. I agree with other posters that sometimes it's the right thing to separate the sides on the same subject. There are certain things there will never be agreement on and no matter how much we try to argue ourselves into agreement it ain't going to happen. I don't think it's a bad thing to have some things separate. No matter what I'll continue to read both because I do value the voices on both sides. The second is the idea AP need to have these duplicate threads for comfort. I suppose to some it's true but I don't see it any more an issue than BS needing the same comfort from addressing the same topics on threads they've brought over here from there. As others have said a lot of things said are out of pain and perspective that don't match up with timing of the same in others.
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