blows hot and cold

[itsmycrazylife]

I've been dating a guy for about 3 months now. He has a strange pattern of getting really close, then becoming distant. It makes me question if he's ready for a committed relationship About a month ago, we didn't talk to each other for an entire week - no texting or emailing. Then I think he slightly freaked out and became extremely attentive, emailing, texting, or calling everyday for the next three or four weeks. We started seeing each other every other day, with me staying over everytime we saw each other, which meant we effectively each other everyday, at night and in the mornings. We didn't always hook up, sometimes we would just crash into bed and cuddle.

 

I started to feel his love grow for me. I feel like he wants to say he loves me, but is afraid to. We were cuddling with his dog, and, burying his face into my hair, he said something to the extent of how he just "loves so much." It felt unplanned and heartfelt. I could almost sense the love in my spirit.

 

But now the trail is getting cold again. I invited him to hang out and he just said "sorry - can't tomorrow!" no explanation or attempt to reschedule. No contact yesterday either.

 

It puzzles me that he gets hot and cold, then hot again. I'm never totally sure what he really thinks or how he feels. One week, no contact. The next week, constant communication. Then he almost says he loves me. Then he disappears.

 

I read his text messages one day when he wasn't around and he's not seeing other girls. A few months ago, he went on some dates with other people, but nothing ever continued. I wonder if it could be that he's still getting over his ex, and maybe is scared for some reason to jump into another relationship.

 

I'm starting to question things with all the in-and-out, up-and-down. He o obviously likes me because I beat out the other girls and he almost said hd loves me but was afraid to. He even told his best friend about me. But his regular hot/cold cycles are seriously perplexing. Any insights? Is there something I'm missing? Any of you exhibit similar behavior or have experienced it?

Edited March 27, 2013 by itsmycrazylife

[Star Gazer]

This type of rollercoaster never ends unless you get off the ride.

[Lani]

What are you doing during these no contact periods?

Are you trying to contact him and he's not responding, or are you inadvertently playing the same game?

[Cutiepie1976]

...He o obviously likes me because I beat out the other girls and he almost said hd loves me but was afraid to. He even told his best friend about me. But his regular hot/cold cycles are seriously perplexing. Any insights? Is there something I'm missing? Any of you exhibit similar behavior or have experienced it?

 

Well, love isn't a competitive sport. I wouldn't approach it that way. You either have feelings for someone or you don't.

 

Sometimes, hot-cold behavior signals ambivalence, and a person who is settling for you temporarily while they continue the search for what they really want.

 

It's unclear what is happening in your situation. Might be stress, a work issue, something else. Who knows?

 

Communication is a wonderful thing. In a non-confrontational, non-accusatory manner, mention your observations and ask him for some insight. I find approaching conversations like this with a sense of "innocent" curiosity tends to be productive, and avoids him becoming defensive.

 

If it persists, then perhaps consider getting off the ride. It's very hard to build a stable connection when the other person is emotionally distant or absent on a fairly routine basis. It also creates a fairly unhealthy dynamic.

[clia]

This is classic "cave" behavior. A lot (if not all) of men do this. Look up the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus series of books by John Gray. He talks at length about "caving" behavior.

 

Men get close, then they need their space. That's it, essentially. So they pull away from you. The worst thing you can do when he does this is try to cling to him or pull him close to you. The best thing you can do is give him space all the way to China. He'll come back -- you've seen it.

[Star Gazer]

This is classic "cave" behavior. A lot (if not all) of men do this. Look up the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus series of books by John Gray. He talks at length about "caving" behavior.

 

Men get close, then they need their space. That's it, essentially. So they pull away from you. The worst thing you can do when he does this is try to cling to him or pull him close to you. The best thing you can do is give him space all the way to China. He'll come back -- you've seen it.

 

Emotionally healthy men who are interested in a relationship don't behave this way. Scared little boys do.

[Michelle83]

This is classic "cave" behavior. A lot (if not all) of men do this. Look up the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus series of books by John Gray. He talks at length about "caving" behavior.

 

Men get close, then they need their space. That's it, essentially. So they pull away from you. The worst thing you can do when he does this is try to cling to him or pull him close to you. The best thing you can do is give him space all the way to China. He'll come back -- you've seen it.

 

I could understand if it was for a day or two...but it seems like a long time to need to get some space to me.

[sillyanswer]

Tell him about this behaviour and talk about it.

 

And don't go reading his text messages, unless you're going to tell him about that, too.