Really need & en

[Laraley]

Hi everyone - sorry do long please bear with me, thanks!

I'm really glad to have found this forum and I hope I'll be able to find support here.

I'm a religious Jewish woman going thru a terrible period in my life. I am happily married with a bunch of young kids for over 15 years to a wonderful man who has always been there for me and we have been the best of friends and soulmates.

Due to financial pressures I returned to my old workplace a year ago and was working full time after years of being only part time. My husband also joined his relatives working for them and we split the vacations to be with the kids - for the first tome in my married life I was unable to speak to my husband 2-3 tubes a day and I really missed it. In addition I was suffering from an undisguised thyroid hyperactivity which made me very nervy, and restless and troubled about my life causing me to obsess and regret the way my life had transpired where I had no real earning power and was stuck in a dead end job.

The company was downsizing and they let go the administrator after I came back which meant I was doing 4 people's jobs and was alone in an empty office all day. A sociable person by nature and with my condition put me now in a very vulnerable state - I didn't keep up much with friends at work and at night after putting the kids to bed, laundry, dinner, lunches I was too tired for socialising.

Enter R , the kind warehouse manager - who I had worked with for over 12 years. As part of my religion, we barely shake hands unless we have to and certainly do not have male friends - R and I had a cordial working relationship for years - we were now working more together and due to the owners lack of decision making the pressure in the offîce very low, we ended up chatting more- I would share cute stories of my kids etc- nothing personal beyond that.

 

Eventually our talks turned to religion, and we ended up having heated debates - he's more of a free spirit and it was enjoyable because I usually won which was a change for me as my husband is usually very wise and leads the discussions.

 

Things began to change internally, due to the pressures of my home life and often lack of time my husband and I had for each other I would find myself thinking wistfully of R's simple single life and how the laughs we shared at work.

It came out before Christmas that R felt for me like a brother which made me feel relieved and I resolved to get this mini obsession out of my head and put it down to my lack of experience in platonic relationships.

 

Fastfoward to now - we started texting a bit to each other just things to make each other laugh and because I knew his feelings were platonic I felt safe in continuing even though I didn't tell my husband anything a huge red flag of an emotional affair in progress.

4 weeks ago it came out that we had feelings for each other. The shock of it made me stop eating as I tried to deny and bury the feelings I felt within me- I couldn't believe that I could be in such a position.

I returned to work and as it happened we were practically alone as the other warehouse guy was away - I am embarrassed to say we need up crossing the line - we were intimate twice that week.

Over the weekend the real truth of what i had done hit me in full force - I had to hide my feelings and confessed to my sister what was going on and managed to have a good cry.

I told R we had to finish it. That week I went back to work and while we truer the feelings were too strong and we ended back together.

R says he would want to marry me if he could - I've never been in love before and it is shattering and terrible. I would never ever leave m husband or my kids so we agreed to stop before the passover break which is now.

What can I say? Pls don't condemn me too much - I am filled with guilt already I truly need your help in sorting out the labyrinth of emotions I am muddling thru

How will I return to the woman I was? Btw I cannot tell my husband anything- he would be required to divorce me and I cannot shatter his life as well

How can I get R out of my head? I have to go back to the same workplace for now my husband knows I'm not happy there but I still nex to be there- how can I protect myself from the feelings I feel? Does it get easier over time? Please help me

[Laraley]

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes - I pressed submit by mistake.

I realise I wasn't as clear as I wanted to be.

I am very aware that I need to repair the emotional breach in my marriage and within myself to be truly faithful again however I badly need help in getting over this shattering period in my life- how to truly break up and not return?

Thank you in advance