derrycynthia Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 I really do not know what to do...I have been separated for 9 weeks now and I am sad, lonely and miserable. Me and my ex were together for 15 years and we have two boys, age 14 and 8. He stareted acting strange in January and in May he said that things weren't working for him and he wanted out. I stayed in the house until the first week in July and we got along wonderfully, we talked more than we had in years and really enjoyed each other. We slept together the night before I moved out with the two boys. I thought this would be temporary, I am starting to believe I am wrong. He cheated on me once 10 years ago and we split for four months and then reconciled. Now it seems he is talking again with this same woman. In fact my son told me that he was over her house last weekend. I have asked my ex how he feels and he says he doesn't know. He knows that I want to get back together and I don't know what to do. I have asked what he wants me to do and he just says "I don't know". Help
Merin Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 Cynthia, You have 2 kiddos with this guy and YOU had to move out of your home with your babies because HE doesn't know what he wants?!!?? This is sooooooooo not okay! Ya know girl, it really cannot continue to be soley about what HE wants. What about what YOU want? What about what is best for your boys? It seems to me what he wants is for you to wait around on him and be his back up plan incase this other thing isn't working out for him, and he wants you to stay in limbo indefinately being by yourself while he out there doing what he wants with whom he wants when he wants, once again this isn't okay! It's been 2 months since you've been out of the house (i'm still shocked over that! ugh you have the kids for Godsake!) and he is STILL giving you this crap about he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know what he wants you to do....... Well Cynthia it is time to decide what YOU want! If seperation is what he wants and he is all good to go with, then I would suggest YOU make it a LEGAL seperation and file it at the court house where you live. At least this way you have specific legal rights, and IF he has any sincerity about trying to work things out with you then he gets the idea that you are not going to wait on his sorry butt to figure out if this other thing is going his way or not. Time for him to grow the hell up, pop on a spine and make an adult decision so that YOU and your kids know what road to take that will be better for you. Good Luck and take care
Author derrycynthia Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 I moved out to give him space. Both my kids are angry with me because I took their father away. I am putting them in counseling, but in the meantime their anger towards me in incredible. Me ex never believes me when I tell them the things they say. He is and always has been the good guy and I am the only who disciplines. The fact that he brought our youngest to his "friends" house just kills me. Now my youngest talks about her and her kids (her divorce was finalized last week) and I am crushed. I cannot tell him not to talk about it. My ex thinks it is fine to expose him to her, I think it is way too soon and might damage him in the long run. He of course does not agree. My youngest actually said the other day, her son look exactly like me. Makes me wonder. I truly love this man with all my heart and soul. I figured if you love someone you set them free and if it was meant to be they will return. I am probably the most stupid woman on the face of the earth.
1money3 Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Your husband's behavior sounds exactly like mine. My husband started acting strange last October and told me in February days before our anniversary that he wasn't happy and he needed time apart. He packed his stuff and left the house. My 6 yr old told me that he had a friend who was a girl that daddy said was his "special friend." She also recently got a divorce and she has a son. My husband moved into an apartment upstairs from her and takes my daughter over their to see her and her son. He sends most of his time with her. He finally told me he wanted a divorce and filed for it. We were married 10 yrs. I still stay in the house but will be selling it next month and staying in an apartment for 2 yrs while I finish my Masters degree (The apartment will also be closer to my work and my daughter's school). Then I plan on leaving and going to Atlanta. I have already informed my soon-to-be -ex about this. He stated he will not let my daughter leave the state of California and yet when he has her he hardly spend any quality time with her because he is to busy hugging and kissing on his girlfriend.
prevch Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 these guys sound like jerks. You girls need a good guy. This is what drives me crazy about my ex. My ex girlfriend had me a guy who was totally committed to her wanted nothing more than to make her happy and make an amazing house and home with her. And what does this committment get me? It gets me the boot to the curb and her sleeping with another dude a few days later. Well you guys deserve someone better!!!
Author derrycynthia Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 I just do not understand it - I did everything for him and my boys and I get nothing. I hear all the time about how men get the raw end of the deal. Well, he is the owner of the house we lived in, I only bought all the furnitue and furnace and brick patios, plus $5,000 to paint the house. I ended up leaving with nothing except me and my kids clothes. I moved into an aparment and had to buy all new furniture. He is even griping about a lousy $50/week child support. He is going to be in for a rude awakening when the courts tell him to pay $155/week. Would it be wrong to approach the "friend" and tell her to stay away from my kids if he does not listen to my request to keep her away. He is supposed to spend time with them not her and her kids.
1money3 Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 I have also asked my soon to be ex husband to keep his girlfriend away from my 6 yr old. He told me he can do whatever he wants because she is also his child. ' Your husband is not going to keep his son away from her because while your son is at her house he in entertaining his son. Thats what my 6 yr old does. That way the both kids are not bored and your husband and his girlfriend can still spend quality time together. I know it is upsetting. My husband told me I just need to move on and get a life. He told me that the only reason I was upset is because I was lonely and didn't have anyone! The other woman doesn't care. She is going to do whatever she can to keep him. Keep this in mind, it is not her fault. It is his. He left his marriage to be with her. He violated his vows to you! You don't deserve it. Neither did I. My husband his girlfriend stay 5 minutes away from me and drive around town with my 6 yr old, her son and like a family right in front of me. We have only been separated for 8 months. He stated he wants this divorce over as soon as possible.
Author derrycynthia Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Why do men do this? I know our 14 year old has not been to her house. He wrote my ex a note two weeks ago, bear in mind we have been separated 9 weeks, basically telling him off. My ex was actually ready to write him off, I talked my son into seeing him this weekend, because it is my ex's birthday today. I took both boys shopping for him, that hurt and dropped them off at the house. If our older son find out he has a "friend" it will damage his relationship with his father for a long time
1money3 Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 My ex's birthday is Tuesday. I am not going to buy him anything. He didn't buy me anything for Mother's day. I no longer have an obligation to him. My advice: I know it is hard and you still love him, but find someone else. He has and most likely will not return to you. Don't sit there and wait for him. Get out and enjoy life. He is not sitting around thinking about you. I am trying to get on what my life. I am going to Spain in March for a week with my friends. My family will watch her while I am gone. My husband will be deployed (he's in the military). sThe only time I talk to him is if we are talking about my daughter. Today, his girlfriend is throwing him a birthday party and has invited my neighbors who are also his friends. They no longer talk to me since he left as if I was the one that asked for the divorce. Most of his friends like her. Have you seen his new love?
Author derrycynthia Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Thanks for the advice. I have seen her, 10 years ago when he cheated on me the first time with her, she was not thinner than me or better looking. She has money though. But now, after she has had three kids I have not seen her, my son says she's thin and pretty. My biggest problem is that I really had only one friend I kept in touch with over the years - he was my best friend and between working full time, taking care of the kids, dog, him and house there wasn't much time for me. The weekends are the worst
catb Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Hi I am in the exact opposite situ as you. I am the cheater, the one who wants out of my marriage, my h still loves me, will do anything to right things with me. I don't love him anymore-it sounds so simple but my sad tale is a long time in the making and not important here. Stop trying to make things nice and easy for him, get yourself a lawyer, find out your rights, what you are entitled to etc. Love yourself-you sound like a good person who was wronged,get mad,he hurt you ,the most devastating pain short of death. Get a life, stop basing all you do around whether he's coming back to you. I can imagine what you are feeling- in your mind you did everything right--its not your fault. HE chose to break your vows, not ONCE but TWICE with the same woman. You deserve better. Get into counseling and get a lawyer. Good luck to you.
1money3 Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 When I would go shopping or out to lunch with my friends (all females), I would return home and my soon to be ex would appear to be upset. He said he wasn't. But he didn't relax until after I told him about the whole gathering with my friends. I use to feel like he didn't want me to go places. However, he went with his friends to bars, strip clubs, etc. He told me women do not belong in bars or strip clubs. Those that are there are wh****. He told me he didn't want a wife that likes to party all the time! His mistress does not drink unless she is with him. She also adores him and does whatever he wants. I on the hand would voice my opinion when I wanted to. I guess that why he left me. Hang in there. When he has the boys, get out and have some fun. I know it's hard. I still cry sometimes of my loss. But I am trying (slowly) to move on. I am in the process of selling my house because it holds to many memories and I feel in order to move on, I have to start over.
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