Is there a chance?

[oricle]

My girlfriend of 18 months broke up with me 2 months ago, and it ended quite abrubptly, telling me that i didnt do the things she asked me to do and she didnt trust me etc etc., now we have had some fights and small breakups int he past (2 weeks or less) over some issues such as me not doing things the way she wants them to be done or the lack of communiation that we were both having, she had some issues with my finanical situation and after a breakup over that she helped me work through fixing that and we did that together and it was great. Now things were back on track since a break in October over the financial issue that we worked through, for christmas we went interstate and I introduced her to my family, uncles auties etc, and that was great, it felt really good and she loved it. After christmas we were thinking of planning a holiday overseas and a few weeks into January we had picked the place and decided and booked it, at that point, the money issues resurfaced out of nowhere and her whole mood changed like a lightswitch, back to telling me that i didnt talk to her about it and how can she trust me and all that, which in fact we had talked about, she had seen the physical proof that i was working on it and sorting it out and for some reason went back to not accepting it and forgiveing me for it...for the next two weeks she was very cold and distant, and every show of affection i was trying to show her was rejected or met with a cold feeling and hesitiation, until it all blew up and she said she was done, hated me, loves me but not in love with me, was starting to resent me, and all I was trying to do the whole time was get through and talk and work on the issues. A couple of days later she moved out and so did i of our apartment (we were living together for 6 months, dating for 16 months). 3 months have passed and we have had minimal contact, i have been seeing a councellor and so has she about the issues and i have been focusing on myself and doing my own thing as i think we got a bit dependant and crowded each other in the relationship having it been the first time i had moved out with a GF before.

 

After 2 months, the ache and worry of what is she doing and how can i get her back has settled, it still overwhelmes me somedays but it is manageable. I have accepted the fact that she wanted to break up with me and accepted that i have done wrong things in this and that she has also done things too. I still love her, and I feel that i want to reach out and see if that is something she feels also.

 

a few weeks ago I bought a blank card from the newsagent and some coloured textas, wrote "I Miss You" in the middle of the card and then used all different coloured textas and wrote things that i missed about us and about her...i then dropped it off in her letterbox when i was in her area for work, 2 days later i got some contact and we ended up having a discussion, talking about what happened, talking about ways that it could work, what went wrong etc, of which i thought were going well until she said she cant do it at the moment and needs to sort out herself and she is doing that.

 

We talked again a few weeks later and she asked how i was, we got to chatting about the relationship again and we were very calm and collected about what we were discussing, i asked her if i could meet up, and she wanted a reason for meeting up, after i told her i wanted to talk about where we were at, if the circumstances may have changed, can we chat now that the anger and heat of the moment has settled and even have a laugh and reflect on some of the fun times. She agreed and we are currently working out a free night for both of us to catch up.

 

For myself, worrying about what to say and how to approach this meeting, i came to the conclusion that i need to approach it not as an attempt to win her back but as a chance for her to see that i have been working on myself, that i am more confident and happy and for her to see and remember the person she fell in love with in the beginning. I have come up with some notes that i would like to talk about about things that happened, not specifics and feelings that i caused and were generated, where we went wrong, and a plan that i invisage that could be a good opportunity to get us through this...

 

I plan on this meetup being a means of showing her me, how committed i am to this and how much it means to me, and see if it is something that she might want to consider working on together, i dont have unreasonable expectations going into this as i know that she is hurt, frustrated and dissapointed, but i really want to show her how i feel and the effort that i would like to put in now and in the future to make sure that this works, during the relationship i had some issues with stress and depression that i did not realise or understand and i lost myself and that took the breakup to see that and understand what was happening, i just hope that i havent done too much damage to be undone and the feelings arent lost forever...

 

Do people think this is a good approach to the issue and a fair way of working on this?

 

I have this belief of being the person that i would want her to be, doing things for her that i would want done for me, and the way i feel about her, if the situation was the other way around i would definitely want her to be doing this to try and get me back and prove to me that this was worth it, but i understand that a relationship takes two people, but if that is the case and you are both in on making it work, then chances do work.

 

She is 26, i am 29.

Sorry for the long rant, i look forward to some insight and feedback about it

Edited March 27, 2013 by oricle
forgot ages :P

[Martor]

Love should be simple.

[steelpantherrocks]

ill pass on some of my experiences in hopes to help you out in making the same mistakes i did

 

we broke up 6 months ago, she went cold, found out she was sleeping with another guy literally days after we split (we were together 5 yrs, engaged for 3) when i found out i snapped, called her every name in the book, found out she was with more than one guy to date about 6 diff ones, im now 36 and her 25, she was going through her "finding herself" stage so this is her excuse to all the slutting around.

i was told by numerous people to let her be, no contact ect etc. i did the opposite, as time went on i became verbally abusive to her because i was so hurt.we didnt communicate really for about a month over xmas (well she wouldnt respond to me because she was upset at the things i was saying) a month ago we tried to be friends after things cooled off. hung out once she told me how she felt about me and that she was scared that one day she was going to wake up and realize the mistake she made and id be gone. tears were flowing from her the first time shes been emotional since our split. she regrets banging my buddy right after we split but i had a really hard time letting it go. id constantly remind her how much she hurt me and it just pushed her away more and more.

 

i had a momment one day, when i looked at myself and said why are you making all the effort. i text call email her and she sometimes never responds. she said she wants to be friends but is this how you treat a friend. even today we talked last night and she hasnt responded yet to questions i asked her about somethings she left behind. i called her out and said when she doesnt respond its insulting and hurtful. this bitch doesnt care but yet i love her to death.

 

the thing i learned from all this is, leave them alone. i know in my mind that its best to have minimal if not zero contact with these women. they dont know what they want. they are confused. today is the day i let go. im upset at her for being rude and inconsiderate and if she gave a **** shed have responded. shes told me to stop talking about the past and i have but yet she cant let go of the things ive said like shes some higher power than me. you guys broke up for a reason, but remember there are 2 of you. you both contributed to the end of the relationship. mine blammed me for months, but now sees her part. if she wants you back let her come to you, im learning the hard way, i feel because of my contact with her on a reg basis whether it good or bad just keeps bringing me back to square one and its been 6 months. she knows how you feel so if she wants it to work let her come to you, the more you try , talk beg plead or whatever she has to see the changes in you and decide if your what she wants, by then hopefully well both have the strength to see were better off and decide if we want them back. mine says things out of anger at times, like she said last night, had my actions been diff after our breakup shed have considered giving us a second chance. shes the one who ran into another dudes arms i didnt, i acted out of pain, i regret my actions but shes yet to apoligize for being a dirty skank.

 

dont go through what i did, its been a long 6 months, ive been seeing someone for 3 months and shes great but its hard when the ex is still got a hold of me. shes like a drug almost. cut the cord bud.

[oricle]

So i am seeing her tonight for a catch up after just over 2 months...

 

It is a little nerve wracking and i have been making notes and writing down things that I want to say and talk about when I see her. She said that she is having trouble getting past the issues we had so come to this with reasonable expectations, which I believe I am doing.

 

After the 2 month break, I am happier, more confident, managing my stress and out of the depression and lack of self esteem and confidence situation that i was in when we were living together.

 

I have focused on my work and got my business up and running successfully and moving forward with that, getting a lot of projects that were causing a lot of stress in the relationship because they were taking a lot of my time and taking longer than they were planned to, so I am happier about that.

 

I figure one of 3 situations will come of tonight's meeting...

 

1. she will say yeah, lets give it a shot, lets put all the problems in the past and work together to make this work and be happy and build on the relationship.

2. she will say no, she cant do it, for reasons such as she doesn't want to risk getting hurt again, doesn't feel that way because the emotional barrier is now up, or some other reason that she doesn't want to give it a shot

3. she will be unsure, and we will continue to talk about it and discuss it, picking some date in the near future where we have to decide if it is going to work or not so that both of us are not lead on indefinitely.

 

Now I think that is a reasonable expectation of the situation (correct me if I am wrong) and I think that I will be able to cope with any of the decisions she makes albeit some will be definitely harder to manage than others, at the end of the day a relationship takes two people working together to work and if she cannot do that then it wont be able to progress.

 

I want to show her that I am putting in effort and want to make that effort to fix things about myself that I and we have identified as problems, and make sure that knows that it is not just some fix with the intention of getting her back, but a fix for myself and my future, hence why I will accept the fact that she might not come back and give this a chance.

 

Our problems in the past I think were always caused by factors in both of our lives that we didn't understand, and we were always trying to fix the problem at its face value, never actually understanding the root of the problem and focusing on that, which this time apart has let me and hopefully her see and understand, and I know for me, even after seeing a counseller for one meeting, my whole understanding and realization of what i was doing has changed and my eyes have been opened...

 

I am confident with my approach and plan on showing her that I have got my personal stuff sorted out, things like savings and credit cards were an issue alot during the relationship because we moved in together with my debts still hanging there which I dont think was a very good idea and I would never get myself into that situation again seeing the stress and tension that it caused. I have reconnected with my friends, started back at playing tennis and going to the gym again, doing stuff that I want to do and enjoy whereas we were both stuck in a cycle of depending on each other at the end of the relationship with the stress and tension and frustration cycling it down...

 

sorry for the rant, I am typing with a few different feelings and emotions raging throug me at the moment and need to get some of them out to get my focus back...I have never felt this way about someone the way I feel about her, immediately after the break i thought it might have just been the fact that it was a void and a hole in my routine and i was scared of being alone...but after 2 months, i have accepted that we are not together and the feelings are there for her in a similar but different way, not because i am afraid to lose her, but because i want her in my life and want so share experieces with her, i love her and i am going to show her, hopefully she will give me the opportunity.

 

/*end rant*

[Noma]

Can't wait to hear how tonight goes!

[flight E]

I think u already going with d wrong attitude. And missing a fundamental thing about women they sense u preparatn and what they inteprete it as is desperation. U ave to be sincere wit urself if you broke up then u are starting a new relaationship ur focus should be to have fun wit a girl u lik its as simple as that let things work as they wil. any plan u have apart from this will fail just go out and have fun wit this girl n see ow it goes no plans whatsoever if u see that she is happy u can just suggest as a jocularly that u guys get back together but don't push it

[oricle]

So unfortunately not so good response from last night, not because of the planning or talking through thing but simply because she doesn't feel that she can get past the hurt and betrayal that she feels from all of what has happened, and if we both cant get past that then it will never have a chance to work, she wants to just move on, and no matter what i could offer or say, she is not in a position that she feels she can accept it or give it the opportunity to work...

 

It is a very hard situation where as much effort as i am willing to put in and have been trying to show her, after the time we have spent living together, the hurt of the last 3 months is too much for her to get past, she even said maybe she will meet another guy and he will hurt her in a years time, but she cant take the chance on us and risk getting hurt again, doesnt know how to get back to that, even from the good times and learning so much more about each other...

 

she says "never say never" all the time through the night, but that now is too soon, and maybe it is too soon for her to be able to get past those feelings, but i have to draw a line in the sand where i stop attempting to get her back and just let her go and accept what she wants to do is what she wants for her, if she comes back to talk and its not too late, great, lets talk, otherwise, i think its time to continue to move forward with my life...unfortunately with out being able to do it together.

 

so ends up that i basically have to let go of her and lose the person that I love most and want to make happy in order to be able to make her happy...and that sux, alot!

 

Sorry its a bad news post, while i was hoping for good news or willingness to work on things together, I had a feeling in the back of my mind that this was going to be the case, i needed to hear it from her and i know now that i have done all that i can do unless she lets me show her any more, and i have to let it be...

[na49]

I've been considering if I wanted to give it one last shot with my ex. I wonder if getting a response like the one you got would finally set me free and realize it is over. I know it's over, but sometimes we need to touch the fire to know it's hot. I can't imagine the hurt and I'm sorry it didn't work out. but it's for the better. It sounds like she never really wanted it to work anyway.

 

Would you say this helped or hurt you?

[oricle]

Yeah, i sort of had a feeling it would be that way, but i wanted to be sure for my self that I have put in as much effort as I could and done the things that I needed to work on to make it work, i know the choice is on her now because i was willing to make the effort and give it a shot.

 

It hurt yes, not as badly as when we broke up however...but now i know that its time to move on, it was hard but it was worthwhile for me to show her how i felt and see if she felt the same...

 

all the things that i had done for her in the last few weeks like sending her a card and giving her a teddy bear, instead of coming across as a nice thoughtful gesture, she managed to twist it into being inappropriate and how it made her angry...so there is no hope unless her attitude changes towards the relationship.

 

so yes it definitely helped me in my situation, at the end of the day, I figured i would rather have a straight answer than wonder what if, or what might be, and I really had nothing to lose other than some dignity and feel a bit battered and bruised from the result, but i feel like i have come out of it stronger, i know what i have to do and i know that i have to move forward without her...and as they say, plenty of fish in the sea, and to find the right one you have to stop fighting to keep the wrong one i guess...