Collon Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Our church is very strict on being faithful to your spouse. But what if your spouse will not have sex with you, is that being faithful to you? My thinking is that if your spouse can not be faithful in expressing her love through intimacy, that is as bad as having an affair. A relationship stripped of the intimacy and physical closeness which sex provides feels hollow: the person who is supposed to find you attractive, sexy and desirable doesn’t. Who wants to live with that? Surviving in a sexless marriage is difficult because sex is a key ingredient of any romantic relationship and marriage without sex is merely half the marriage. I dread bed time now any more, I go to bed upset and depressed. I have tried to talk to her about it but I don't think that she knows how much of a problem it is. She makes me feel so ugly and unattractive sometimes. I just want to be the object of my wife's desires again. I would never cheat on her, but I keep having dreams about cheating on her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my wife and my kids, but my marriage is lacking the passion which is necessary for it to stay alive 2
Mr. Lucky Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Our church is very strict on being faithful to your spouse. But what if your spouse will not have sex with you, is that being faithful to you? If you're asking for permission or support to have an affair, then I'm also going to assume that your church teaches that two wrongs don't make a right. Don't make an already difficult situation worse with infidelity. Otherwise, you'd get more responses with more information and a post in the Marriage forum... Mr. Lucky
underwater2010 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Besides the communication that you need to have...I would suggest self gratification. You need to talk with her. DO NOT blame her. Ask what is going on. I know that having kids messes with the hormones. Is she over stressed? How does she feel about herself? Do you take time to touch her outside the bedroom or is it just when you want some? A good hug, hand hold, kiss and/or shoulder rub OUTSIDE the bedroom could go along way. We need more info or she can post here for help.
waterwoman Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Have you asked her why? I'll be honest here. H was getting a lot at home for a few years before the affair. Not no sex, but less than he wanted and less than he used to get. Why? Tiredness, stress, 3 babies and 9 years of breast-feeding in all, being treated as maid-of-all work as well as the main breadwinner and accountant. Add to that depression and in later years menopause and it was a perfect storm. TBH he was damned lucky he was getting any But regardless of whose fault it was it was a bad situation. We were both responsible for the state we were in but neither of us did enough to fix it. Talk to her. Try to find out why. I can almost guarantee that she won't have lost interest because she hates you and wants to piss you off! So try asking. BTW does your situation permit you to cheat? No No No No No! There are far better ways to deal with this. MC being one but you both have to be willing to try to change things. Meanwhile don't dip your wick elsewhere.... Please
xxoo Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Our church is very strict on being faithful to your spouse. But what if your spouse will not have sex with you, is that being faithful to you? Do you share the same faith? Does your religious home have marital counseling available?
waterwoman Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Sorry, that should have said H was NOT getting a lot at home!
jnel921 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I am sorry that you feel that way. I have been posting here since I got remarried in 2004. One of the issues with my H was lack of sex. It continued this way for years after that. Front forward to late last year and I find out he screwed someone else. This was a devastating blow to me as he always had excuses for not being able to perform as much as I wanted him to. Before his brief A we woul have sex maybe once or twice a month. Our lives were busy and we have 2 teenagers at home. We fought a lot about this. I didn't want to cheat so I made do with my friendly sex toy. The A definitely shook up our marriage. Changed our sex life as we now have more frequent sex. Twice a week. Which is good for me. You should talk to your spouse before it gets as bad as an A. I decided to stay, but not everyone would do that. 1
Author Collon Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 I have talked to her many times about it, it just doesn't seem to go anywhere. We are in our 50's, got married in our late 20's. The intimacy was great for the first few years but tailed off a little after that but was still good. I still hold her hand when we walk, I open the doors for her, I do most of the cooking in our home and we share the chores. We both work. I always tell her I love her (one time she asked me how come I say it so often, I told her that if something were to ever happen to me, I wanted her to know I loved her). I buy her flowers. I feel like I am the only one that cares I just don't know how much lower I can go and still hold on.
carhill Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Ask your church elders for guidance. In the strictest sense, if your spouse denies you sex, they have abandoned the spirit and letter of the vows they made before their faith. In the Catholic church, such would be denying the marriage children, an important part of the faith with regards to marriage. Look into your options on grounds of constructive abandonment. Oh, fuggetabout a sexual affair. You already know the church's position on that. If filing for divorce doesn't move her off-center, good riddance.
carhill Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Frankly, she has a mouth and two hands. The mouth can be used to communicate her 'pain' with intercourse, if extent, and to perform fellatio, and her hands can be used for similar stimulative purposes, and to caress and show affection to her spouse. She's a 50-something yo woman, not a child. This isn't the dark ages. Women have freedom and choices and power. With those benefits comes responsibility.
William Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 As the thread starter doesn't appear to be in an affair, rather is reflecting upon his marriage and comparing its health and an affair, I'll move this to marriage and life partnerships for now. If no further details of his specific marriage are forthcoming, it will end up in general relationship discussion, per guidelines.
BetrayedH Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 It's time for an ultimatum. Discussion and progress via marriage counseling or you'll file for divorce.
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