Jonah Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Excuse me? Telling another betrayed spouse is not about punishing the wayward. It is about telling another human being the truth of their life and their own sexual history. And for the record? I am happily reconciled with my spouse. I would not advise a betrayed to do ANYTHING that I did not do myself. I walk the talk. And I have a happy ending. I have no percentage in harming other people- but I do have a vested interest in honesty. That being said- and something I did, as well- it is quite smart to speak to an attorney to understand your options. You don't have to act on them, but it is good to know a full picture. No, it would never be to punish the ow. Right. And men never react violently to the om. In what universe? Read the crime section of the local news just to see the tip of the iceberg.
2sunny Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 No, it would never be to punish the ow. Right. And men never react violently to the om. In what universe? Read the crime section of the local news just to see the tip of the iceberg. Jonah - you're the cheater - so, of course you don't agree with telling the truth. And now you state that there's a different set of rules should your W ever cheat? That's just sick. 4
BetrayedH Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 No, it would never be to punish the ow. Right. And men never react violently to the om. In what universe? Read the crime section of the local news just to see the tip of the iceberg. Exposure is pretty universally recommended unless there is a demonstrable history of violence. 4
Decorative Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 No, it would never be to punish the ow. Right. And men never react violently to the om. In what universe? Read the crime section of the local news just to see the tip of the iceberg. After reading further posts, I understand your position on not telling now. Clearly. The truth is a good thing. The majority of betrayed spouses are very hurt human beings, who have been betrayed in an awful way. I've never run across a betrayed spouse who wishes they didn't know the truth. 3
Furious Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Exposure is pretty universally recommended unless there is a demonstrable history of violence. Ironically, if someone chooses to cheat knowing that their spouse is prone to violence, it would seem that they're willing to take that risk. Strange how the betrayed spouse is held accountable to exposure when the cheaters themselves are by far taking the greatest risk while in the affair and the repercussions that may ensue upon discovery. Of course if the betrayed spouse can now expose the truth they are held a far greater standard than the cheaters themselves. An oxymoron by any standard! 1
BetrayedH Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Ironically, if someone chooses to cheat knowing that their spouse is prone to violence, it would seem that they're willing to take that risk. Strange how the betrayed spouse is held accountable to exposure when the cheaters themselves are by far taking the greatest risk while in the affair and the repercussions that may ensue upon discovery. Of course if the betrayed spouse can now expose the truth they are held a far greater standard than the cheaters themselves. An oxymoron by any standard! It is rather bizarre. When I exposed to the other man's wife, my wife looked at me incredulously and said, "Oh my, what an angry person you must be to destroy a family like that." It was as if I was the perpetrator and the OM was the victim. Apparently, the "hurt" inflicted upon the OM's family had nothing to do with him screwing my wife for a year. What an interesting double-standard that it's ok to have a year-long affair but it's a criminal act for the second BS to be told. These people are whacked. 7
Older 'n' wiser Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I am really sorry you had to hear that from her... she obviously could not see right from wrong anymore... I wish it could be so simple. I want to tell my brother about his wife and return truth and honesty to their place as unquestionable values that our family stands for. Our children, albeit adults, still deserve that model from us. Unfortunately, I know now from talking to the only 3 people outside my H and my kids that know about this - my nephew, my cousin and my childhood best friend - that ALL of them believe that my brother should not be told. That means, therefore, that I was be held responsible. Can I handle that? Probably not.
Jonah Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Jonah - you're the cheater - so, of course you don't agree with telling the truth. And now you state that there's a different set of rules should your W ever cheat? That's just sick. no. Just starting the facts. Which fact did I get wrong? No. to tell is just another control tactic. I would make no demands for email passwords and all that. Been there done all that futile struggle before. Now I wouldn't judge. I would just tell her I love her... Ask what she wanted to do. I once stumbled across a great line... "I think you should just go with the other guy"... I wouldn't even use that anymore. I would know when it would be time for me to go, or stay. Fighting is no more effective than acceptance. In fact, it may drive more away than it would keep.
2sunny Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 (edited) no. Just starting the facts. Which fact did I get wrong? No. to tell is just another control tactic. I would make no demands for email passwords and all that. Been there done all that futile struggle before. Now I wouldn't judge. I would just tell her I love her... Ask what she wanted to do. I once stumbled across a great line... "I think you should just go with the other guy"... I wouldn't even use that anymore. I would know when it would be time for me to go, or stay. Fighting is no more effective than acceptance. In fact, it may drive more away than it would keep. So you're not the cheater? And you wouldn't judge? Ahahaha - that's comical! Coming from the cheater you're just so generous to be forgiving... Edited March 29, 2013 by 2sunny
Decorative Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 no. Just starting the facts. Which fact did I get wrong? No. to tell is just another control tactic. I would make no demands for email passwords and all that. Been there done all that futile struggle before. Now I wouldn't judge. I would just tell her I love her... Ask what she wanted to do. I once stumbled across a great line... "I think you should just go with the other guy"... I wouldn't even use that anymore. I would know when it would be time for me to go, or stay. Fighting is no more effective than acceptance. In fact, it may drive more away than it would keep. Most of the people I know who are happily reconciled didn't fight. They did as I did. Told the truth. Exposed. And set the cheater free. Packed their bags for them. I even changed the locks. And then the wayward came barreling back, pleading for another chance. 2
Author where to start Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 i'm sorry...but for those of you who are having a heated discussion, would you please take it someplace else. i don't mean to offend anyone, but if you took the time to read my post then you know that i'm currently in the middle of my own argument here at home. thank you
Decorative Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 i'm sorry...but for those of you who are having a heated discussion, would you please take it someplace else. i don't mean to offend anyone, but if you took the time to read my post then you know that i'm currently in the middle of my own argument here at home. thank you We're not having a heated discussion. It's actually a good thing for you to see different opinions- and they do go back to the origin of your thread. If you feel something is off topic-you can use your alert button on the bottom of the post, and let moderation decide. Everyone here wishes you well- but people are definitely going to be enthusiastic about their opinions and relating their experiences. It's a melting pot- and hopefully it all helps you in the end. 2
jnel921 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 2 and a half years is a long time. The evidence he shared with you is just too painful. if your friend hadn't spotted them he would have probably continued. R isn't easy. It is more than just him being sorry. I am currently R with my husband but his A was only two weeks. I don't think I would have stayed if it was going on 2 years. Too many lies.
CantgetoveritNY Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I think it is an over simplification to say that 2 years is too long. Every situation is different. Every R is different. For some Rs a ONS would mean the certain end. Others I'm sure can recover after a 2 year A. As for telling the other spouse I like the saying: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. 2
Decorative Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 2 and a half years is a long time. The evidence he shared with you is just too painful. if your friend hadn't spotted them he would have probably continued. R isn't easy. It is more than just him being sorry. I am currently R with my husband but his A was only two weeks. I don't think I would have stayed if it was going on 2 years. Too many lies. It depends on the person, the couple, the history, and the work after. Be careful dismissing what other people have chosen and made work. And work very well. (My spouse's affair was over 3 years. Many people on this forum are dealing with affairs far longer than your spouse's two weeks. Just as no one dismisses your pain and tells you well, it was only... Please don't flip the coin and say " well, yours was too long". We need to avoid trying to grade trauma or judge levels of acceptable length.) 2
Older 'n' wiser Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 It depends on the person, the couple, the history, and the work after. Be careful dismissing what other people have chosen and made work. And work very well. (My spouse's affair was over 3 years. Many people on this forum are dealing with affairs far longer than your spouse's two weeks. Just as no one dismisses your pain and tells you well, it was only... Please don't flip the coin and say " well, yours was too long". We need to avoid trying to grade trauma or judge levels of acceptable length.) Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for saying it. I sometimes didn't post for a long time because I felt judged. I think part of that is also learning to choose the points you need to make in a post and say just enough. Some people are great at that. I'm not. It's also a matter of learning how to explain what's going on in the situation so that people won't jump to a conclusion, impose their own experience on you and oversimplify. Generally I think it's just better not to lean too heavily on somebody, even when you just know they're getting the shaft in the worst way. Every action - including whether or not to tell - has to come from within the person affected; it can't be dictated or it won't happen. I remember shutting down and not listening when advice came in too strong when I first sought help here. It was too bad; I probably needed to heed the advice but just couldn't because they were so heavy-handed and I hadn't processed it yet. One of the points that I wish I'd acted on then was telling my brother. It's doubly hard now.
Jonah Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 So you're not the cheater? And you wouldn't judge? Ahahaha - that's comical! Coming from the cheater you're just so generous to be forgiving... No, and no. I were to judge, I would be wrong. I am better at looking at myself... how I can improve. Now that's after living a few years and I hadn't always seen things this way. For me now to try and "fix" someone else, to excerpt my will over another person... well, that just wouldn't be me. For me, acceptance method is better. Ws expects a big todo but instead gets a shoulder shrug is quite an eye opener for them. But you go ahead with your control method... its more in line with your way of living a life.
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