where first?

[where to start]

thank god i found this place. maybe someone will be able to help me figure out how to handle this mess. i have not had a good sleep in nearly a week, so please bear with me.

 

last week a friend of mine called to tell me that she saw my husband kissing another woman in a bar! i couldn't believe it. from the time she called until the time he returned home it was about 4 hours. naturally a million things were going through my mind about where he was and with who. when he saw me he knew instantly there was something wrong. when i told him i knew where he had been he didn't even try to deny it. i was so angry that i wasn't even interested in what he had to say. i packed up our two small children and went to my parents house.

 

the next day we spoke briefly from work and he asked for an opportunity to explain. he said he loved me, he was sorry and didn't want to lose his family. he promised to be 100% honest and i agreed leave the children with my parents and meet him at home after work.

 

it wasn't easy to hear what he had to say. he said she is also married with one child. they met through some mutually single friends who works with. (she does not work with them) he showed me email messages (neutral & vividly sexual), sexually explicit pictures they'd shared of each other, and even a few hard to watch videos of them pleasuring themselves for one another. they would see each other at least once a week but were in contact just about every day, had some strong feelings for her but he did not think that it was love, and and this has been going on for almost two and a half years!!

 

the first thing i thought was, where was i?

 

after a few hours of talking and crying it became hard to listen anymore. i was tired and i could tell he was too. in fact, im not sure i ever saw him look so unkempt. i agreed that we would continue the conversation but first he had to stop all contact with her, and he agreed.

 

the following evening when we arrived home he showed me the email he had sent to her. he had told her the previous day that i knew about them, so i don't think it came as a surprise to her that he told her things had to end. of course she was not happy but he was firm and as far as i'm aware that has been the last contact between them (that was friday).

 

Since then there hasn't been much talking, mostly me just locking myself in the bedroom several times a day for a good cry. we are both staying in the house at this point. i feel like i want to be close to him but i cant decide if that's because i want things to go back to normal or if it's just because i want to know where he is all the time.

 

truth is, im not sure what im doing or what i want to do. there are so many emotions. im so mad at him for what he's done to me, to the kids, to our life together. i read a few hurtful things that he said about me to her in some of those emails (and i haven't even read them all) and it's obvious by their conversations that he has a physical connection with her that i don't think we have ever had, but i didn't realize it until now.

 

he has been really trying to make an effort and it seems as though hes determined to try and work through this mess. together we cancelled email addresses and cell phone numbers with the hopes that she will no longer be in contact. well, that's great and all but that is also one of the many things that i am having a hard time understanding. if he says there were feelings then how can it be so easy? i wonder if he's telling me the truth. he knows that if he goes back to her that i am out the door and taking the kids with me, no questions asked and i'll never look back. its been made very clear that i am still on the fence and am only trying because he seems to want it so bad. but do you think that's enough to keep him from her? i know i'll never be able to put any real effort into this if i'm always worried about that possibility.

 

when i started writing her tonight i had a million things rushing through my head and now that its come time to put them all down im having a hard time sorting them out. it's so hard to even think straight. im just hoping that someone with a little experience can help me figure out where to start.

[Athens]

It will get better and easier. I am also three months in and I feel better than I did even a few weeks ago. Its the worst thing I have ever experienced and in some ways I worry I will never be the same, never feel normal. On the other hand, I have learned a lot about me and have made some positive changes that I feel good about. He is more in love with me than ever and we are more open and spend more time together than we have in years. There are a few upsides to balance out the the multitudes of downsides but you will begin to heal, little by little and if you give yourself a chance and concentrate on you, you may find some parts of you that you lost long before you knew about the affair. You may even find you like those things about you. Hang in there, you can do this!!!

[underwater2010]

Welcome to the confusion of the first few months. DO NOT be hard on yourself. You DO NOT have to make up your mind right away. We are here if you need to post, it does help sort through your feelings. I have been were you are as many here have. The only I recommend is NOT going to the OW/OM side for quite awhile. Check out Surviving Infidelity for more resources. They helped immensely for the first few months.

[ComingInHot]

Where to start,

I think you have started exactly right!

You are getting the truth!

Hold onto the Proof of emals, texts and gut-wrenching videos. You may need them later..

 

TELL HER HUSBAND! If Your H tries to stop you, All the More reason to tell him! Don't believe "her H is violent, and it'll cause too much drama" blah, blah, blah. It is Really him still trying to protect her AND himself.

 

Tell your family, I believe in EXPOSURE and creating a support structure around you of people you can count on. Not to mention that A-lot of times the More people that Know about the Adultry/Infidelity, the Less "romantic...

[waterwoman]

What CIH said.

 

So sorry you are here x

[CantgetoveritNY]

Where to start,

I think you have started exactly right!

You are getting the truth!

Hold onto the Proof of emals, texts and gut-wrenching videos. You may need them later..

 

TELL HER HUSBAND! If Your H tries to stop you, All the More reason to tell him! Don't believe "her H is violent, and it'll cause too much drama" blah, blah, blah. It is Really him still trying to protect her AND himself.

 

Tell your family, I believe in EXPOSURE and creating a support structure around you of people you can count on. Not to mention that A-lot of times the More people that Know about the Adultry/Infidelity, the Less "romantic...

 

Telling the other betrayed spouse is the best way to make sure it will be over. Then you will be able to stop wondering if your H is really not seeing her anymore.

 

Telling your family and others can be problem antic. Once that bell is rung it can't be un-rung. In the future you may not want to have everyone know what happened. You will never regret telling the cheater's husband.

[Athens]

I do not believe in lots of exposure. To me, it opens the door for others expectations in your life and your decisions. I am glad no one but those involved know because I am able to make decisions based on whats best for me-not what everyone else thinks I should do or say or react. Like it or not- we are influenced by others and what they think of us-living up to my own expectations is hard enough without the influence of others-Just my opinion-

[Decorative]

Where to start,

I think you have started exactly right!

You are getting the truth!

Hold onto the Proof of emals, texts and gut-wrenching videos. You may need them later..

 

TELL HER HUSBAND! If Your H tries to stop you, All the More reason to tell him! Don't believe "her H is violent, and it'll cause too much drama" blah, blah, blah. It is Really him still trying to protect her AND himself.

 

Tell your family, I believe in EXPOSURE and creating a support structure around you of people you can count on. Not to mention that A-lot of times the More people that Know about the Adultry/Infidelity, the Less "romantic...

 

 

I agree with every single word of this.

 

As a person happily reconciled, and years out from the incident? Exposure was very, very important.

 

The truth is never a bad thing.

[Decorative]

seething-

 

Christmas gatherings are just fine for those of us who did tell.

 

 

In case you were wondering.

 

 

[krazikat]

Telling the other betrayed spouse is the best way to make sure it will be over. Then you will be able to stop wondering if your H is really not seeing her anymore.

 

Telling your family and others can be problem antic. Once that bell is rung it can't be un-rung. In the future you may not want to have everyone know what happened. You will never regret telling the cheater's husband.

 

I recently discovered my husbands affair and my emotional roller coaster ride is still fresh. Be careful talking to the ow...there is the possibility she will lie to you, so to avoid or at least minimize the impact this could have on you, wait until you have processed the affair. In my situation, I was told truth mixed with lies, and some of the "truth" being lies she had been told by my wh. Some of the lies being things that were meant to hurt me and possibly try to get me to leave my wh. Very hurtful things. I had seen many texts between them, so I knew some of the lies, and even though I knew they were lies it still hurt me.

 

I have only told one family member. My reason for this is because I need to decide what I want to do without the enraged input from my family/friends. I know my husband loves me, he never wanted to leave me, and I dont believe that him being shamed will help OUR situation. However, you will need to do whats right for you and your situation.

 

I do completely agree that you tell her bs. He deserves to know. So sorry you are dealing with this...this pain is the worst emotional pain I have ever known.

[Try]

when i started writing her tonight i had a million things rushing through my head and now that its come time to put them all down im having a hard time sorting them out.

Do not write or contact her at all. For many cheaters, part of the rush of having an affair with a married person is the feeling of superiority that it gives them over the affair partner's spouse. They took what was yours from you. Your letter would validate that feeling of superiority in her mind and belittle you. She knows all about you, but you know nothing about her, thus her relationship with your spouse was the more honest and open one. No good will come from contacting her.

 

What you should do instead is contact the affair partner's spouse ASAP. Do not tell her, your husband, or anyone else before doing so. As painful as it will be for him to hear, the AP's spouse has a right to know as he makes his life plans. This is not about revenge. It is about doing the right thing. The cheaters will try to tell you that you where wrong for telling the OP's spouse because it will hurt them and might break up a family, when the truth is they just want to keep the AP's spouse in the dark so that it will be easier for them to cheat again if they want to later. Do not buy into that garbage. Tell them that they are to blame 100% for the results of their affair, and that you know in your heart that telling the truth was the right thing to do. Tell them that telling the truth and doing the right thing is clearly something that they do not understand or agree with, so you are not surprised that they do not agree with you on this. Cheaters are like cockroachs, they hiding in the dark, and run from the light of day.

 

Do not let him blame shift you for the affair. You both are 50%-50% responsible for your marraige, but cheaters are 100% responsible for their cheating. Cheating never fixes anything in a marraige. I am sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.

Edited March 27, 2013 by Try

[Decorative]

Nice!! Now, I did say 'you don't need to tell the world, unless you want too.' I'm not in the business of telling any BS what to do and not do. I only have two rules:

 

1) Tell the other BS

 

2) Do not stay if the affair is still happening. Do not be an option.

 

I am very pleased that your Christmas gatherings are sweet. Your post made me laugh. I do hope that was the point (the bunny is for effect)

 

Yes. It was to make you laugh and remember mileage may vary.

[Spark1111]

Where to start....you have the right NOT to decide anything at all for as long as you want or need to.

 

NO ONE should pressure you to commit or divorce in any length of time shorter than this affair.

 

Yes, it is normal to shake when they are away from you and want to run away when they are near you.

 

Please get IC, eventually MC, and start reading, reading, and educating yourself and your husband about affairs.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[where to start]

thank you all for the kind and insightful replies.

 

im surprised that most of you think i should tell her husband. the thought has crossed my mind, but it always comes back to two wrongs don't make a right. from what i can tell things are not all that great at her house to begin with and i get the impression that it wouldn't effect her that much if i told him. it might just be doing her a favor. for now its important to me to focus on what i'm going to do here. i may reconsider if she starts to effect things.

 

as far as who's been told, i think its just our parents, my sister and his best friend (who was shocked as he probably knows him better then anyone and had no clue this was going on for all this time) other then that its only the woman who told me and i've asked her to please keep it to herself. guess we'll see how that goes.

 

(so how does this work? do i just keep going here or do i have to start again with each new thought?)

 

i have so many thoughts that sometimes it feels like i cant think about anything else. there are so many questions that i'd like to ask you all. i have been trying to wrap my head around what im up agents and so far my only resource has been google, which tends to make me feel worse.

 

for example, today i read that something like 65% of couples who have affairs go through hell with counseling only to split up anyway and men who cheat often go back to the other person after a few months of trying to play it cool at home. now i love my husband, but everyone has their limits and right now i don't like him very much. lord knows i don't believe a thing he says to me. i feel like its all up to me. this huge decision i need to make while having all these questions about what the reality of this situation is and very limited resources for information. i feel like he's just waiting around for me to make this huge announcement. how do i decide? do i need to take time by myself? should i make him leave for a while?

 

you all seem so well adjusted and that gives me some hope. im assuming you were all once in my shoes and chose to stick it out? how did you know? when did your life resume some sort of normalcy? here i feel like we are just going through the same motions and not much has changed except now there is this huge elephant in the room. does that ever go away? and then there's this part of me that wants him to prove how much he loves me and that he's desperate to keep me, but if he comes near me for even a kiss on the cheek it makes my skin crawl. its almost as if he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. how do i deal with things like that? see, so many questions.

 

i can't thank you enough for letting me get some of these things out.

[Furious]

WTS

 

It's early days, you're still in shock and it takes some time to let it sink in.

 

The first few months after I discovered the affair was a blur, I couldn't sleep and during the days I was running on adrenalin and I couldn't sit still.

 

Firstly I recommend that you see a lawyer and get legal advice as to your rights and all the information you need. Just knowing where you stand is empowering, whether you decide to reconcile or not.

 

Also get your finances and ducks in order, this may include changing your will and power of attorney. This is also empowering and allows you peace of mind as to your financial security if you should decide to divorce or not.

 

I also recommend you seek IC for yourself, this will help you sort through your emotions and help you cope with what you're going through.

 

Like Spark said you don't have to rush to any decisions until you're ready, for now take care of yoursef and give yourself all the time you need.

 

Hugs

[Spark1111]

IF all things are done properly, reconciling is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

It requires remorse and transparency on the part of WS. It requires patience to as you find yourself asking him the same questions over and over again trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

Do you love him? Really love him? it's hard work.

 

IC for both of you is a must. As is educating both yourselves.

 

Please inform the other BS. He has every right to know to make an informed decision regarding his future. Exposure kills most affairs as it bursts the fantasy bubble.

 

There is some great books out there on how to heal a marriage after infidelity. There are some great web sites too.

 

In addition to LS, there is Surviving Infidelity.org. Start with the healing library.

 

Everything you tell us of your feelings, needs to be shared with your H.

 

No more secrets!

[CantgetoveritNY]

WTS

 

 

 

Firstly I recommend that you see a lawyer and get legal advice as to your rights and all the information you need. Just knowing where you stand is empowering, whether you decide to reconcile or not.

 

Hugs

 

The above is very good advice. Knowledge about your options is something you need. And it does not cost much to find out that much.

 

Also - read the first "Pinned" post at the top of the list of infidelity threads. It is titled, "What every wayward spouse needs to know." But it is chalk full of stuff YOU need to know. Things you can demand of your H that will be reasonable and helpful to you to have. Things that if he says no to, will make it easier for you to see he is not really wanting a reconciliation.

[Spark1111]

The above is very good advice. Knowledge about your options is something you need. And it does not cost much to find out that much.

 

Also - read the first "Pinned" post at the top of the list of infidelity threads. It is titled, "What every wayward spouse needs to know." But it is chalk full of stuff YOU need to know. Things you can demand of your H that will be reasonable and helpful to you to have. Things that if he says no to, will make it easier for you to see he is not really wanting a reconciliation.

 

Read it to him too. It describes everything you will go through and everything he will need to do to help you heal.

 

he will need a lot of courage too.

[Decorative]

Regarding "two wrongs don't make a right"- the singular wrong, the affair, has already been done.

 

Telling her spouse is a kindness, not an additional wrong.

[krazikat]

thank you all for the kind and insightful replies.

 

im surprised that most of you think i should tell her husband. the thought has crossed my mind, but it always comes back to two wrongs don't make a right. from what i can tell things are not all that great at her house to begin with and i get the impression that it wouldn't effect her that much if i told him. it might just be doing her a favor. for now its important to me to focus on what i'm going to do here. i may reconsider if she starts to effect things.

 

as far as who's been told, i think its just our parents, my sister and his best friend (who was shocked as he probably knows him better then anyone and had no clue this was going on for all this time) other then that its only the woman who told me and i've asked her to please keep it to herself. guess we'll see how that goes.

 

(so how does this work? do i just keep going here or do i have to start again with each new thought?)

 

i have so many thoughts that sometimes it feels like i cant think about anything else. there are so many questions that i'd like to ask you all. i have been trying to wrap my head around what im up agents and so far my only resource has been google, which tends to make me feel worse.

 

for example, today i read that something like 65% of couples who have affairs go through hell with counseling only to split up anyway and men who cheat often go back to the other person after a few months of trying to play it cool at home. now i love my husband, but everyone has their limits and right now i don't like him very much. lord knows i don't believe a thing he says to me. i feel like its all up to me. this huge decision i need to make while having all these questions about what the reality of this situation is and very limited resources for information. i feel like he's just waiting around for me to make this huge announcement. how do i decide? do i need to take time by myself? should i make him leave for a while?

 

you all seem so well adjusted and that gives me some hope. im assuming you were all once in my shoes and chose to stick it out? how did you know? when did your life resume some sort of normalcy? here i feel like we are just going through the same motions and not much has changed except now there is this huge elephant in the room. does that ever go away? and then there's this part of me that wants him to prove how much he loves me and that he's desperate to keep me, but if he comes near me for even a kiss on the cheek it makes my skin crawl. its almost as if he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. how do i deal with things like that? see, so many questions.

 

i can't thank you enough for letting me get some of these things out.

 

I found out by answering his phone. He was asleep. I had an ugly phone confrontation with the ow, then woke him up. He still tried to deny it until I point blank told him i talked to her and knew it was fact. I only discovered the lta a few weeks ago, so I am still quite raw about it...i still cry, feel sick, but the strongest feeling is sadness. I will absolutely not tolerate it if he cheats again, but I know he ended it with her immediately and is NC now. He has answered questions, he is really trying. He had an alcohol and drug problem which had caused some issues in our marriage, and he has stopped all cold turkey the day after Dday. He may cheat again, but I am willing to give him the chance to show me he wont.

[Jonah]

I am so sorry to read of your hurt. Yet reading of your initial actions is warming in that your instincts are leading you in the right path.

 

The folks that are vying to make calls for you are typing safely behind their keyboards of their own experience in their own tidy lives that may be far different from your own. Some are still smarting and would like nothing better than to see that cheaters are punished in the worst way possible. Their viewpoints are still of value none the less. However there are risks to running the flag up the pole. To say that the OWs H won't react is naive. I don't know her H, but I am a guy and if a man had a two year affair with my wife, I may spend my every waking hour planning to exact revenge someday in the future. This guy may act more immediately but to think he will let your H escape unscathed... I wouldn't be sure about that and neither should you. It's your call but be aware that there are risks. And the call to tell everyone folks? Sure if all your folks have great wisdom. But who has that? So you see, it is your call. Beware of advice on this forum to take any action other than to talking to a therapist or a lawyer. From your story it is obvious that you have good insight. Go with what you think is right. -Jonah

[Decorative]

I am so sorry to read of your hurt. Yet reading of your initial actions is warming in that your instincts are leading you in the right path.

 

The folks that are vying to make calls for you are typing safely behind their keyboards of their own experience in their own tidy lives that may be far different from your own. Some are still smarting and would like nothing better than to see that cheaters are punished in the worst way possible. Their viewpoints are still of value none the less. However there are risks to running the flag up the pole. To say that the OWs H won't react is naive. I don't know her H, but I am a guy and if a man had a two year affair with my wife, I may spend my every waking hour planning to exact revenge someday in the future. This guy may act more immediately but to think he will let your H escape unscathed... I wouldn't be sure about that and neither should you. It's your call but be aware that there are risks. And the call to tell everyone folks? Sure if all your folks have great wisdom. But who has that? So you see, it is your call. Beware of advice on this forum to take any action other than to talking to a therapist or a lawyer. From your story it is obvious that you have good insight. Go with what you think is right. -Jonah

 

Excuse me?

 

Telling another betrayed spouse is not about punishing the wayward.

 

It is about telling another human being the truth of their life and their own sexual history.

 

And for the record? I am happily reconciled with my spouse. I would not advise a betrayed to do ANYTHING that I did not do myself.

 

I walk the talk. And I have a happy ending. I have no percentage in harming other people- but I do have a vested interest in honesty.

 

That being said- and something I did, as well- it is quite smart to speak to an attorney to understand your options. You don't have to act on them, but it is good to know a full picture.

[where to start]

thank you all.

i'm still not sure what comes next since i'm finding it hard to even string a sentence together without breaking into tears. ALL of your replies have been helpful in one way or another. from the looks of things i'm sure there will be many more questions to come.

[Older 'n' wiser]

IF all things are done properly, reconciling is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

It requires remorse and transparency on the part of WS. It requires patience to as you find yourself asking him the same questions over and over again trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

Do you love him? Really love him? it's hard work.

 

IC for both of you is a must. As is educating both yourselves.

 

Please inform the other BS. He has every right to know to make an informed decision regarding his future. Exposure kills most affairs as it bursts the fantasy bubble.

 

There is some great books out there on how to heal a marriage after infidelity. There are some great web sites too.

 

In addition to LS, there is Surviving Infidelity.org. Start with the healing library.

 

Everything you tell us of your feelings, needs to be shared with your H.

 

No more secrets!

 

Whoa, this is so hard to read, but heartening because of the rallying around that is done so well when a BS first posts. I remember the bit of calm I felt in the midst of calamity 9 months ago. New casualties to the affair demon wander in here confused, hurting and unsure what to do next until the infidelity veterans surround them, waving words of understanding in a healing ritual that I like to think of as the LS shaman dance.

 

Sorry - back to reality - The Surviving Infidelity.org site looks really helpful. I've been coming off and on the LS all this time and don't know how I missed it. Maybe wasn't ready before this - looks hopeful for doing something for the never-ending heartache.

 

It's not that any one poster has all the answers and maybe you can tell already from the bit of back and forth already. You're so very, very raw in the beginning. You have absolutely no room for anyone else's ego, need or even genuine pain. All you can do is you, and that is all you have to do. When someone posts and it hits home, you will know. That is what you needed to hear now and don't feel bad about ignoring what doesn't feel right. But if it just makes you squirm a little, well, that's worth pursuing in my opinion. The really tactful, temperate people who respect the individual process of dealing with trauma will never push, chide or taunt. All any of us can say for sure is what we understand or experienced, but I also pay attention when some veterans here summarize their observations about the many thousands of posts they've read or written on a topic. Even then, just try to separate the personalities from the information.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one should have to. My therapist called it the second worst pain a married person can suffer (first is the death of a child). And trauma? You bet. You are suffering and raw. Your spouse needs to see this and will as you keep talking. It will be excruciating but necessary and every conversation will wear you out. The transparency from your spouse is the main thing you need, his genuine remorse and sincere care and regard for your pain. Later, you'll want to protect yourself from 'triggers' that bring back the trauma of the initial discoveries but for now you're still reacting. I'm just so sorry.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Older 'n' wiser

[BetrayedH]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here.

 

Don't be surprised by those calling for the affair to be exposed to the other woman's husband. This is standard advice. It's also standard for you to take a while to even remotely give a crap about the other woman's husband. And that's alright in the initial shock after Dday. It'll likely be a few weeks before you're ready. That said, make no mistake that it's 100% the right thing to do. The other betrayed spouse deserves to be able to make an informed decision about his life. The idea that "you" would be harming him is not one that holds water. It's the affair partners that have stabbed him in the back. And his wife has him doped-up enough not to notice. He's already hurt and just doesn't know it yet. You can inform him that he has a knife in his back or you can walk away and say things like, "It's not my business." Rest assured, eventually you will have to face this ethical choice and the ethical choice won't be unclear, just difficult.

 

So, on to more immediate matters like the big decision in front of you. First, the others are right that there is no rush to make this decision. Your husband will very likely be ready for you to "get over it" far before you are ready to do so. Forget that. A successful reconciliation does take 2-5 years and I see very few (if any) that really happen in two. The fact is that it takes as long as it takes. Your husband doesn't get to punch you in the mouth and then complain about how long you bleed on the carpet. If he doesn't like seeing the pain he's caused, make it clear where the door is located.

 

From what I have seen, reconciliation takes two things: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. It's critical to understand that #2 cannot come before #1. As another poster mentioned, the thread pinned at the top of the infidelity forum is a critical read for you so you can get a grip on what's normal and acceptable for you to expect. Do not force yourself to choke down your anger, frustrations, or feelings. "Rug-sweeping" is a common attempt to speed up the process. Understand that trying to go fast is slow and that slow is fast. You cannot go around an affair; you must go through it. Do not offer "cheap forgiveness." You will grow resentful if you try to choke down this shi t sandwich on your own. By the way, don't beat yourself up too much if you vomit some of it in his direction from time to time. But my point is that you will need to see true remorse from him before you can forgive. And it's going to take a LONG time before you trust anything that the man has to say. If I had any question for you, it would be in regards to his actions since Dday. Is he fully transparent and making his life an open book? Is he reluctant to discuss the affair or demonstrating willingness to be vulnerable? Is he doing anything proactively to rebuild trust?

 

Next, he needs to be in individual counseling. The focus should be on "why" he had this affair. He had a choice to fix the marriage or leave it. He chose neither. He would probably even say that this violates his own moral standards. So why did he do it? Here's one hint: it wasn't about you or the marriage. Something in him was broken. Many times it stems back to his family of origin. In the cases I've seen, the wayward spouse either had an excessive need for external validation, an over-developed sense of entitlement, or was extremely conflict-avoidant (and probably a combination of these). The first answers to "why" usually barely scratch the surface - things such as marital discord, sex life, feeling "lonely," blah, blah, blah. You were in the same marriage but didn't cheat. This why question ends up being critical. If he can determine why he chose such a destructive and unethical coping mechanism, he might be able to avoid the use of that coping mechanism in the future. As well, you might then be able to trust that he wouldn't make a similar choice in the future. He should be signing himself up for individual counseling.

 

As Spark mentioned, later you can look into marriage counseling. Unfortunately, many MCs are ill-equipped to handle infidelity and end up focusing far too much on riding the fence and focusing on how you can "meet each other's needs." While your marriage will certainly require introspection and improvement (whose doesn't?), don't allow the affair to he blameshifted onto you. You may own 50% of the marital problems but he gets to own 100% of the decision to cheat; you didn't get a vote.

 

This is getting to be too long so I'm going to quit here. Keep reading, keep posting, take care of yourself physically, don't pressure yourself too much emotionally, take your time, and keep watching your husband.