Lostint Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Hi, I posted on here about six weeks ago. I split up with my boyfriend in December for the 3rd time in a year. I still care about him and I'd give anything to wind the clock back and just communicate with him about what I was feeling, instead of shutting him out and eventually breaking up with him. We both made a lot of mistakes - neither of us is very communicative and he is extremely undemonstrative. I never felt secure in the relationship and that's basically why I kept breaking it off. I've been seeing a counsellor for the last couple of months and it's helping me realize the mistakes I keep making over and over. Like I said, I'd give anything to go back and do things right. However, since we split, I've told him that I miss him, and I've told him that I want to try again. His response was that we'd just fall back into the same pattern again and he wants to be on his own to figure out what he's doing with his life. Last time I posted, the response I got was that I clearly have issues, my poor ex boyfriend is right to refuse to get back together with me, and I need to majorly kiss butt to make it up to him. Well, since then I've more or less kept my distance from him. I feel like I should respect his wishes, and I also realise that I need to sort my own issues out. He asks me to go for coffee about once a week, and we stick to non-intimate conversations. He also always contacts me straight away whenever anything major happens in his life - e.g. Buying a new car, getting a promotion. I guess I'm confused. I'd like to think that maybe in 6 months or so we'll have established a better foundation to build a relationship on. The fact is we got together without hardly knowing each other at all, and I made the mistake of sleeping with him very quickly. That has a lot to do with why I felt so insecure. I feel like if we can figure out how to be friends, we'll build that trust that I never had in him. But, I'm scared that what he really means when he says he needs to figure out what he wants in life, is that he doesnt want me. If that's the case, I'm not doing myself any favors holding on to this flame and should move on. Can anyone help me figure out what to do here?
robaday Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I broke up with a girl several times like you did him. Wasnt insecurity on my part, Id just get extreme panic attacks, partly commitment phobia, partly because in retrospect she was emotionally abusive and pushed for commitment extremely fast. Ill give you my perspective from my experience. Something, doesnt matter what, wasnt right between the two of you, and theres more reasons saying it wont be again, then there are saying it will work out. Whether its your insecurity, or a vibe he gives off, the same thing will happen again, unless you spend a long long time working on yourself. Deeply regret going back to her. Things turned horrific and we hate each other, but she had amazing qualities too and I genuinely felt under the right circumstances we would work out. Id focus on yourself for a year and work out why you broke up with him. If it is insecurity then you arent ready for a relationship and need to work on your self esteem.
Author Lostint Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks robaday, for your honest if somewhat depressing answer!
Author Lostint Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Anyway, not sure if I will take that advice, it's hard to give up on hope. I'd like some feedback from any guys on here - what does this behavior suggest to you about whether he still has feelings for me: - I broke up with him but he's the one saying he wants to be friends - about once a week he asks me to go for coffee with him. At the beginning he seemed pretty upbeat and in better form than he was during the last few months of our relationship, but now he seems pretty down again. - he never wants to linger over coffee, I'd happily spend all day talking to him but after 30 minutes he always makes a move to leave - whenever we're both in the cafeteria he always comes and sits beside me and even if he's in a conversation with someone else, he listens in on my conversations with others and joins in I'm pretty confused, I feel like some of his behavior suggests he's over it and couldn't care less, but at times I feel like he's circling me the way he did before we got together.
imconfused13 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Here is my 2 cents on this situation after reading this and your previous post. It is obvious he cares about you, but I'm not sure he knows to what capacity at this time. He has been hurt by you a few times, and is weary of it happening again. I think he is struggling with his own feelings toward you. I would suggest just taking it slow. Let him be the one to ask for coffe and let him spend as much time as he is comfortable with spending with you. Just breathe, and go where he takes the relationship. Also make an effort to let him know what you are doing to improve your past behaviors. But don't hound him about how he feels. Communication is the most important part of any relationship. Just dont try to push him to talk about what he isn't ready to talk about, he may not even know yet himself. It isn't easy to hold on to hope, but sometimes the heart just wants what it wants. Just remember to breathe, and sometimes things are out of your control. Don't be pushy and let him take it where it goes in his own time. If it gets to be too much for you then you know that you feel it's time to move on. Good luck, and best wishes to you
Author Lostint Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Thank you! It is going to take a lot of patience, to just hang in there and not pressure him. But if it works out it will be worth it
EnLove Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Can anyone help me I'm trying to Create a new journal post but can't find the linki
emilyxrose Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Wow! I'm going through a very similar situation you are! I,, too broke up with my boyfriend out of my own insecurity but also his lack of affection and reassurance made me insecure, I always used to question his feelings for me, but I never said anything until one day I'd had enough. I was feeling exhausted. And of course now here I am regretting it. I only broke up with him 1 week ago, and he hasn't contacted me at all..which can't be a good sign I don't want to feel like it's a lost cause because too much damage has been done to go back, but it feels that way Anyway I hope things can work out for you! If not, you'll find someone who DOES give you the reassurance and encouragement you need. Remember, there's more fish in the sea. (should take my own advice eh haha)
Author Lostint Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Hey emilyxrose. My ex and I didn't speak for 2 wks after breaking up (we were both away for Xmas). I honestly doubt he would have contacted me except we work together. I know that at that point he still had feelings for me so the lack of contact from your ex doesn't mean otherwise. I initially was sure i'd made the right decision in breaking up. Like you I was exhausted, and completely depressed to boot. I'm still completely depressed What made me change my mind was reading about the keirsey temperaments - I'm pretty sure my ex is ISTJ and from what I've read, theyre the most difficult personality type to get along with because they have no intuition (so they NEVER pick up on how you're feeling) and they express everything through actions rather than words (I.e. hanging out with you means he likes you, he doesn't feel the need to say it)
veggirl Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Why would you want to get back with someone that you describe as unable to communicate properly and undemonstrative? What would be different THIS time than the other 3 times? A 4th chance (!) isn't gonna work if only ONE of you has changed, what is different about him? sorry but 3 break ups in a year?! You guys are just NOT compatible.
Author Lostint Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 What would be different is that i now see his actions in a different light. I realised that I need to tell him exactly how I'm feeling and what I need. In fact, whenever I did do that in our relationship, he always bent over backwards to make sure he filled my needs. Too bad I didn't understand that his lack of communication didn't mean anything. Instead I got more and more resentful at him and started to get paranoid that he was just using me for sex. I don't know if we have a future - but at least now I know he didn't intend to be mean to me. And, I'm not sure it's a matter of compatibility. Relationships are about understanding each other and working through conflicts. This idea that you'll find somebody you're compatible with and it will all be rosy is just some Disney bull****. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 My advice would be to cut your losses. It's one thing to break up once, reconcile and then live happily ever after. But after three breakups, it's clear that there's just something off between you two. While relationships aren't always hunky dory, they aren't nearly as difficult as to where you'd have to break up three times. I would say a fourth breakup is guaranteed if you two get back together.
Author Lostint Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 We didn't try to resolve any of our issues during the first two breakups so I'm not sure they really count. The first one only lasted 4 days and the second one lasted 6 hours. I feel like we were just bumbling along with no clue. He told me he wouldn't want to get back together unless he was sure it was going to work out, and I feel the same way. Which is why I'm being patient and waiting to see if we can build a solid friendship. And it's not as if I'm focusing exclusively on this. I figure it can do no harm to be open to dating other people, especially as out of the two of us I think I'm the only one who's doing any work on myself (going to counseling, trying to understand why I keep repeating this pattern of dumping people as soon as anything goes wrong etc). His last 3 gf's broke up with him for exactly the same issues it seems, so I'm not the only who has problems in this relationship. There's no way I'd go back unless he's made an effort to understand what it is in his own behaviour that pushes people away.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 The first two breakups most definitely count. And I definitely didn't mean to imply that you were the one responsible for the breakups. It takes two. But yeah, there are plenty of people out there who you won't need to break up with three separate times. I would advise trying to find them instead of trying to glue this relationship back a fourth time.
robaday Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I second Simon's post! problem with rels where theres been a lot of breakups is that respect declines with both people involved for each other, theres more arguments, more pain and anger and you can do each other a lot of damage....each time you breakup it takes longer to heal and move on. Sorry if this isnt what you want to hear. But as someone still struggling with an off-on relationship (5 breakups!) a year later can tell you it wasnt pretty and we both suffered quite a lot afterward
Author Lostint Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Ok, well most people on here are telling me to walk away and I know you all mean well and I'm just going to sound deluded, but I'm not going to take that advice. Every relationship's different so I don't think you can compare mine to yours and say it will end the same way. Anyway, just got a case of the Sunday blues. The urge to call him for coffee or a walk is really strong, but I kind of feel like I should give him more space and time. One of my close friends told me this week that a colleague at work came by asking if my ex and I are together (nobody at work knew about us except a couple of close friends) - apparently she said she'd noticed that every time I'm around my ex lights up. On the one hand I'm overjoyed to hear that - he does feel something for me still. But on the other hand it's incredibly frustrating because I really want to get back together and commit to this relationship for once and for all. But I know I have to be patient and somehow win back his trust.
Recommended Posts