BlueThunder Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. Just as in, like, 3 hours ago. I'm posting in second chances because this was our second chance. She broke up with me this past summer. Totally out of the blue, totally killed me for a good while. I eventually got to the point where I didn't miss her. I wasn't watching the phone constantly waiting for her to call. Which is when she finally did call. Obviously. I wasn't sure about getting back together, but we eventually did. She realized she made a mistake ending it, and (at least I thought) was over the issues that caused the breakup. A lot of it was based on her insecurity, which hasn't gotten better. The issues are still there. She's been going to therapy, and says she's doing better, but it still seems like we have the same fights as before. I don't know. A lot of this is going to be unorganized because I'm still trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Something's been off for a while. I haven't been as happy as I was the first time. A lot of that is because I had to get over her. I had to force myself to not want her, and I had gotten there. I forced myself to want someone else, and that's not going away as easily as I thought it would. And it still seems like we have all the same problems as before. Only worse now because she still feels guilty about the breakup. I almost ended it a few weeks ago, but basically couldn't do it. We talked about how I was feeling, but I couldn't pull the trigger. The confusion was there, but I really, really love this girl. I do want a future with her, but, like I said, something feels off. That feeling hasn't gone away, and I ended it tonight. She's distraught right now. I'm not sure if I made the right decision. I feel awful for hurting her. I feel awful for walking out. I'm terrified of her not being in my life anymore. It's just I know if I go back, I'm going to feel what I felt prior to ending it. Does any of this make sense? Did I just walk out on something special?
Author BlueThunder Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 I just feel like the breakup is a major factor in all of this. I still want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but the relationships don't feel the same. Even after we got back together, I'd get nostalgic for before the breakup. Like it would have been perfect if that never happened. Should I be able to get past that?
Lostint Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Why not try going to couples therapy? I know that might sound silly for a couple that isn't married, but relationships are hard when there is a lot of emotional baggage. If you love her, a counsellor might be able to sort out all the confusion you're having, and help you move beyond the breakup that your girlfriend feels so guilty about. 2
CC12 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Did I just walk out on something special? I honestly don't know. But I'm going to try to make you feel better about your recent breakup, anyway. I feel awful for hurting her. I feel awful for walking out. I'm terrified of her not being in my life anymore. Almost everyone has feelings like these after breaking up with someone. Breakups are difficult, unless you just don't really care about the person anymore. When you have history with someone and a lot of genuine love, you'll probably always at least care a little about their well being. So of course you'll feel awful that something you did hurt her. That doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. She left you for six months (or so? Got that from your other thread) and you moved on in that time. Things changed, you changed, she changed. You hoped it would work, you gave it a try, and it didn't work out. Things were too different. That's understandable. So just work through the whole, "Oh god, what have I done" thing and the guilt and the regret and the "If only's." Soon enough I'm sure you'll realize that you made the right decision. You'll be okay, and so will she.
Author BlueThunder Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Why not try going to couples therapy? I know that might sound silly for a couple that isn't married, but relationships are hard when there is a lot of emotional baggage. If you love her, a counsellor might be able to sort out all the confusion you're having, and help you move beyond the breakup that your girlfriend feels so guilty about. We've talked about that. I don't know. It feels at this point like we're trying to fix two relationships, while she's doing massive work on herself. At what point is it too much work? I mean, I really do love her. I really don't want to end it. And I know this might sound selfish, but it just feels like we're putting way too much work into fixing something. Especially when we're still having the same issues that caused it to end the first time. I'm not against working to fix something special, but it hasn't been the same since the breakup. I hate feeling this selfish, but honestly, I'm just not sure I want to be in a relationship that's based so much around fixing so many issues. I'm not even sure if it would work.
Author BlueThunder Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 I honestly don't know. But I'm going to try to make you feel better about your recent breakup, anyway. Almost everyone has feelings like these after breaking up with someone. Breakups are difficult, unless you just don't really care about the person anymore. When you have history with someone and a lot of genuine love, you'll probably always at least care a little about their well being. So of course you'll feel awful that something you did hurt her. That doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. She left you for six months (or so? Got that from your other thread) and you moved on in that time. Things changed, you changed, she changed. You hoped it would work, you gave it a try, and it didn't work out. Things were too different. That's understandable. So just work through the whole, "Oh god, what have I done" thing and the guilt and the regret and the "If only's." Soon enough I'm sure you'll realize that you made the right decision. You'll be okay, and so will she. That's what I keep coming back to. Just seems.. I don't know. Too easy, maybe? Too insignificant to end something like this? I feel like I should be able to get past that, but I don't know. The second time just doesn't feel the same. I don't love her less. It just doesn't feel as special I guess.
Skalabanan Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I can kind of relate to this situation. I was broken up with first time only for my ex to come back and want to give it another go, previous issues became an immovable barricade for us and I decided to end it, although with that said, she was upset but she didn't exactly kick and scream so I'd say it was partially amicable. We originally reconciled after a 3 month break only to quickly realise that it wasn't anywhere near enough time apart, with that in mind time will be your best healer either way. It will either reunite you both or it will heal you both enough for you to move onto a bigger and better relationship. Just be patient with yourself, your not selfish and you acted like anyone else would've, just give yourself time otherwise you'll make a decision clouded in too many factors.
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