spice4life Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 ...currently involved or were involved. Did the affair work better for you when the single OW or OM felt insecure about or in competition with your BS? (whether they knew them or not) If your single AP started to pull away and develop their own life outside of you, did you actively try to manipulate them back into the "affair fog" to keep you on their mind? Please answer honestly...I won't judge, I'm just curious. Thanks in advance.
White Flower Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 ...currently involved or were involved. Did the affair work better for you when the single OW or OM felt insecure about or in competition with your BS? (whether they knew them or not) If your single AP started to pull away and develop their own life outside of you, did you actively try to manipulate them back into the "affair fog" to keep you on their mind? Please answer honestly...I won't judge, I'm just curious. Thanks in advance. Well I'm not the MM, but I will answer as honestly as I can from his POV as I understood it. After I filed for D and my xH moved out xMM became very concerned I would get lonely and that he would lose me. He not only made more time for me but began making unusual purchases of trinkets and such. This was the time he began discussing leaving his W in hopes of M me one day. Of course that didn't happen, (even though he did separate and D was filed), but he did feel threatened when I developed a life of my own after D and he did a lot to keep me with him. It wasn't hard for me to stay though, as he already had my heart.
White Flower Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 ...currently involved or were involved. Did the affair work better for you when the single OW or OM felt insecure about or in competition with your BS? (whether they knew them or not) If your single AP started to pull away and develop their own life outside of you, did you actively try to manipulate them back into the "affair fog" to keep you on their mind? Please answer honestly...I won't judge, I'm just curious. Thanks in advance. Regarding competition, I never felt there was any. He pursued me because he wasn't happy, and said sex was non-existent at home. Had I pursued him I might feel differently about that. We had nearly 20 Ddays. A major early one three years ago BW was convinced by xMM that our A was EA only. That is when SHE went into competition mode and began seducing him. He wasn't used to this, it stressed him out, so he shared it with me. That phase didn't last long. When she found out on another Dday that our A was PA she became asexual. She already felt humiliated that he wouldn't accept her advances during her seduction phase so there was no way she was going to go there now. I can't say I blame her. The truth hurts. Speaking as the fAP, I suppose there were times I tried to save the R, not to keep him in any fog, but because I believe our R was the healthier R and the best one for him.
Got it Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 ...currently involved or were involved. Did the affair work better for you when the single OW or OM felt insecure about or in competition with your BS? (whether they knew them or not) If your single AP started to pull away and develop their own life outside of you, did you actively try to manipulate them back into the "affair fog" to keep you on their mind? Please answer honestly...I won't judge, I'm just curious. Thanks in advance. He knew that once I S/D that it was a ticking clock for him to get is sh*t together and move. I was not interested in staying his OW forever so he had a finite amount of time to get things wrapped up. Yes I think he knew, and I knew, I had a good bit to offer and that yes I was going to pursue other relationships eventually if he didn't follow through. Yes he felt some jealous/threatened when I went out but he also knew that he had control on whether or not I was on the market so he was in this position of his own doing. And if he ever grumbled I told him what he could do with the complaint.
LFH Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 As I am not the MM (but we dont' have a lot that stick around on this forum do we?) I asked Alex this question for you. He doesn't post here but we often talk about topics that come up. He said: The worst time for us was when you felt insecure about her. It made me feel horrible to know it was hurting you, that I was. You don't really compete so it seemed like you were giving up and that's never okay with me. I hope I didn't manipulate you then, if I did I didn't mean it. I just tried to love you and show what you meant to me. I know I failed a lot and I'm a dumbass. I tried to make it better and I'm glad you stuck around. From MY perspective about that time, I did pull away. I was trying to decide if it was worth it. I never felt manipulated, he didn't play any games, he just was very reassuring. If he'd started to play games or if I'd felt manipulated I think I'd have walked. I hope that helps.
Yellowteacup Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 ...currently involved or were involved. Did the affair work better for you when the single OW or OM felt insecure about or in competition with your BS? (whether they knew them or not) If your single AP started to pull away and develop their own life outside of you, did you actively try to manipulate them back into the "affair fog" to keep you on their mind? Please answer honestly...I won't judge, I'm just curious. Thanks in advance. Good question and it has come up in our conversations. I in my own way make him think about me quite a bit. So far it seems to be working. He hasn't actively to my knowledge "looked" for anyone in the past few months since he does have deep feelings for me.
Cali408 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Guilty as charged. They separated and I was a puppet master. Even though I was married, I was going to break up the other marriage no matter what and would manipulate it to my benefit. Yeah, I was a schmuck:o
Author spice4life Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thank you all for answering so honestly. It's very much appreciated! I was afraid to post these questions at first out of fear they might be viewed as stirring the pot. I'm so happy to see that no one took it that way because it was definitely not my intention. I'm on the road and will answer everyone individually a little later when I get home. Thanks again!
stevie_23 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Well, I'm an ex-OW (who is in a relationship) and it made it MUCH harder if ever I felt insecure about my ex-MM's wife. It made it harder for me because I hated feeling insecure, and it made it harder on him because I'd get more demanding and resentful about him being with her. Mostly, because we WERE both in relationships, it was fairly equal footing for us. And as much as I hated the fact he was with someone else (not mostly because I felt insecure but mostly because it meant we couldn't just BE together as easily as we may have been if he was single), it WAS a relief to be on equal footing and both able to understand each other's situations, AND also I often wondered if he DID leave her, how would the dynamics of our relationship change. Like, if he was single now and I wasn't, then it'd be up to ME to make huge changes in MY life to see if we could really be together...and that scared me. I wasn't ready. It also didn't please me to have to worry about him being lonely if he did leave her, living by himself, pinning ALL his hopes and dreamd happiness on only ME, and lastly, I would have become insecure and threatened if he DID get more of his own life. A happier life than the one he had living with his wife. Cause in a way, the fact he was with her (and this didn't make him happy), was "safe" because THAT was his life. It was stable, not the happiest, and so I felt LESS insecure in terms of him wanting to be with me because of that.
Author spice4life Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 As I am not the MM (but we dont' have a lot that stick around on this forum do we?) I asked Alex this question for you. He doesn't post here but we often talk about topics that come up. He said: The worst time for us was when you felt insecure about her. It made me feel horrible to know it was hurting you, that I was. You don't really compete so it seemed like you were giving up and that's never okay with me. I hope I didn't manipulate you then, if I did I didn't mean it. I just tried to love you and show what you meant to me. I know I failed a lot and I'm a dumbass. I tried to make it better and I'm glad you stuck around. From MY perspective about that time, I did pull away. I was trying to decide if it was worth it. I never felt manipulated, he didn't play any games, he just was very reassuring. If he'd started to play games or if I'd felt manipulated I think I'd have walked. I hope that helps. Thank you, LFH. This helped very much. Thank Alex for providing such a honest answer. You two have great communication and I think it is key if you, as a single OW, are to feel comfortable and most of all secure in this type of relationship.
Author spice4life Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 He knew that once I S/D that it was a ticking clock for him to get is sh*t together and move. I was not interested in staying his OW forever so he had a finite amount of time to get things wrapped up. Yes I think he knew, and I knew, I had a good bit to offer and that yes I was going to pursue other relationships eventually if he didn't follow through. Yes he felt some jealous/threatened when I went out but he also knew that he had control on whether or not I was on the market so he was in this position of his own doing. And if he ever grumbled I told him what he could do with the complaint. LOL...makes a lot of sense. This was pretty much my sentiment as well except the him leaving part because that's not something he was going to do. Not that I expected it though. I looked at it this way, I worked hard on myself and freed myself from being in a relationship that wasn't right for me and I wasn't about to end up being an OW forever. I want to end up in a healthy relationship with someone that I love and is able to be fully present in the relationship. Fully present in the sense that it's a mutually satisfying relationship based on love, trust and give and take. If that was something he couldn't do then he needed to understand that there was going to be an expiration date. The choice was his whether or not he wanted to "stay in it" due to those circumstances. 1
Author spice4life Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Good question and it has come up in our conversations. I in my own way make him think about me quite a bit. So far it seems to be working. He hasn't actively to my knowledge "looked" for anyone in the past few months since he does have deep feelings for me. Thank you for your honesty. What would it mean for you if he decided that one day the affair was not enough for him? How would that impact you? Would it hurt if he chose to leave or are you not really attached to him emotionally? Thanks again!
Author spice4life Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Guilty as charged. They separated and I was a puppet master. Even though I was married, I was going to break up the other marriage no matter what and would manipulate it to my benefit. Yeah, I was a schmuck:o LOL...that's very commendable that you are willing to admit it. Hey, but you're not a schmuck anymore though.
Author spice4life Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Well, I'm an ex-OW (who is in a relationship) and it made it MUCH harder if ever I felt insecure about my ex-MM's wife. It made it harder for me because I hated feeling insecure, and it made it harder on him because I'd get more demanding and resentful about him being with her. Mostly, because we WERE both in relationships, it was fairly equal footing for us. And as much as I hated the fact he was with someone else (not mostly because I felt insecure but mostly because it meant we couldn't just BE together as easily as we may have been if he was single), it WAS a relief to be on equal footing and both able to understand each other's situations, AND also I often wondered if he DID leave her, how would the dynamics of our relationship change. Like, if he was single now and I wasn't, then it'd be up to ME to make huge changes in MY life to see if we could really be together...and that scared me. I wasn't ready. It also didn't please me to have to worry about him being lonely if he did leave her, living by himself, pinning ALL his hopes and dreamd happiness on only ME, and lastly, I would have become insecure and threatened if he DID get more of his own life. A happier life than the one he had living with his wife. Cause in a way, the fact he was with her (and this didn't make him happy), was "safe" because THAT was his life. It was stable, not the happiest, and so I felt LESS insecure in terms of him wanting to be with me because of that. This makes a lot of sense stevie. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but I think you are going to be just fine once you're on the other side of this thing.
Author spice4life Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 I'm sorry if I missed anyone. I will answer more later as I have to get ready for work.
stevie_23 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 This makes a lot of sense stevie. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but I think you are going to be just fine once you're on the other side of this thing. Thank you, Spice
White Flower Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I'm sorry if I missed anyone. I will answer more later as I have to get ready for work. Okie dokie:)
Recommended Posts