wanting more Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If you're involved with a MM/MW, did they tell you they were not having sex? Do you believe them? Do you talk about it? Obviously the thread in The infedelity section has my curiosity going and since we (OW/OM) can't reply there, please reply here. When I was the OW, I didn't ask him if they were having sex, he didn't ask me if I was. He'd make a comment every now and then when I'd say I was going to bed but I never took that further. I always assumed they were having sex, but I surely didn't want to hear him talk about it.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 My xomm didn't say they weren't. He just said how infrequent it was. He told me probably twice a month at best and it wasn't because of her. He said this was even a topic of discussion at a small group bible study he used to be a part of where the other guys weren't "getting enough" and they couldn't believe he was okay with it being that infrequent. I asked him why and he said it took too long. I have one other thing to say that he told me but I wasn't sure if I could paint the picture without being edited - lol. Anyway - I don't know if it was true or not. Who knows? But I never doubted they had sex from time to time anyway. 1
spice4life Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If you're involved with a MM/MW, did they tell you they were not having sex? Do you believe them? Do you talk about it? Obviously the thread in The infedelity section has my curiosity going and since we (OW/OM) can't reply there, please reply here. When I was the OW, I didn't ask him if they were having sex, he didn't ask me if I was. He'd make a comment every now and then when I'd say I was going to bed but I never took that further. I always assumed they were having sex, but I surely didn't want to hear him talk about it. I never asked, but assumed they were and then realized it did bother me..lol. If he was having sex with his wife, then it only put him in a negative light because he was a jealous man too. As I said before, I am a one man kind of woman - I had no desire to go out and have sex with anyone else. I was very loyal to him and it made me very angry when he would jump to conclusions about men I had to communicate with on the job. Pissed me off to the point where I STOPPED answering his constant "repeated" questions about it. I really got tired of being accused of stuff I wasn't even guilty of in the first place. *sigh*
spice4life Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 My xomm didn't say they weren't. He just said how infrequent it was. He told me probably twice a month at best and it wasn't because of her. He said this was even a topic of discussion at a small group bible study he used to be a part of where the other guys weren't "getting enough" and they couldn't believe he was okay with it being that infrequent. I asked him why and he said it took too long. I have one other thing to say that he told me but I wasn't sure if I could paint the picture without being edited - lol. Anyway - I don't know if it was true or not. Who knows? But I never doubted they had sex from time to time anyway. At least he opened up to you right? I swear mine had a gag order because it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk and I don't mean about his wife, I mean about anything. He would get such a panicked look on his face if I probed a little too deep about who HE was...lol.
Poppy fields Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I knew they were. They were married so it didn't bother me. 2
Got it Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 If you're involved with a MM/MW, did they tell you they were not having sex? Do you believe them? Do you talk about it? Obviously the thread in The infedelity section has my curiosity going and since we (OW/OM) can't reply there, please reply here. When I was the OW, I didn't ask him if they were having sex, he didn't ask me if I was. He'd make a comment every now and then when I'd say I was going to bed but I never took that further. I always assumed they were having sex, but I surely didn't want to hear him talk about it. We were both married when it started. We discussed if either had sex when the affair was in its beginning and then made an agreement about being exclusive to each other. Yes I believed him. And yes it was confirmed later on by the ex wife.
MissBee Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 When I was in the A I assumed he was. He never tried to say otherwise and I didn't ask. I actually lost my virginity to someone else while in the A. I told him about it. He was furious and said it hurt him, and to this day he says that hurt him. Oh well . My mentality in the A was that I wasn't going to act like we were exclusive and monogamous, we weren't. I would have gladly been monogamous and exclusive with him, but that was not on offer, so I felt free to sleep with who I wanted to and knew he was sleeping with his SO and who knows if he slept with anyone else....I don't think he did, but I cannot swear for him on that one. He was possessive and jealous though and would constantly try to question me about if I was having sex or not. I simply omitted that information. I wasn't going to be dumb. I might have been in an A but I think I was fairly realistic about what to expect and what not to assume as well as what to probably assume, if not made explicit.
Lillyfree Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 he volunteered the information that they didn't. i never asked and never cared... and assumed that he was full of it. possibly because we didn't go further than kissing, but i don't think even if/when we ended up having sex i would have any right to know what's happening. i was intimate with my husband, but never discussed it with OM. it was none of his business. 1
LYC Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 We discussed it in the beginning. He was honest about having sex. I assume they still are but we do not discuss it. I have no desire to hear about his sex life with his wife.
PurpleGal Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 He swears they haven't in the year we've been together. Because I didn't have sex with my husband for 9 months prior to me moving out, I know firsthand that sexless marriages exist. So, I choose to believe him. I could be suspicious, but what good would that do? Besides, he has no reason to lie - I told him I'd understand if he did, and meant it. 5
Silly_Girl Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 We talked, initially just as friends, about our relationship experiences and that included how they'd never had a sex life. I believed him - I was open to the fact he might be lying but lots of things and total consistency led me to feel satisfied. After he and his wife split I read things and had conversations that totally backed up his claim of zero sex. I imagine he's very much in the minority as most people would move on in that situation. 2
White Flower Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Funny you should ask this question. Just last night xMM's best friend, who later became my good friend, called me to see how I was doing. We chit-chatted a bit and he said something that reminded me of when xMM stayed with him during one of his separations so I asked him something I never dared ask him before: did xMM ever admit to him having OOWs or of cheating on me in any way. He said absolutely not, not even with his W. Now that surprised me. 1
stevie_23 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Well, early on in my A I told my ex-MM that my partner and I never had sex anymore and hadn't for many years. That was never a concern for him at all. He was more concerned and insecure at times about the emotional bond my partner and I still shared. How we spend the weekends together, eat dinner together every night, go away on vacations together, etc. He and his wife don't really do that stuff and he didn't want to do it with her, but he wanted to with ME and couldn't. So it was hard for him to know my partner was doing that stuff with me. In terms of him having sex, as far as I know (and I don't know if it's true but I don't mind whether it is or isn't), he was honest. I think I asked fairly early on in the A, and he said rarely and he was comfortable with that. They had different work schedules and didn't spend much regular time together, and apparently his wife was very traditional in terms of sex stuff, and only liked the basic sort of thing (and there's nothing wrong with that), but after the 2nd D-day, about 2 weeks later, he told me she had tried to...do some stuff that wasn't so traditional, and I suppose maybe she was trying to satisfy him more or something. He told me about it right afterwards because he felt lost and weird and he hadn't enjoyed it very much. He just felt unsettled and said he needed to share his feelings with me. Now, I suppose a cynical person might say he HAD obviously enjoyed it (being a man and all that), and he told me so I'd develop more trust in him in terms of that side of things, and when he told me he only wanted ME in that way and not his wife, he could've been just saying that so I'd be ok with him being with her in a sexual way. And maybe that's all true in part, but I'm ok with it. I actually do think he was honest. I never expressed any issues with him and her together in that way so he never had a reason to develop an aversion to talking about it with me. (the same thing happened a second time a month or so later and he told me about that too). They didn't actually get married until 6 months before our A ended, and on their honeymoon (which was 2-3 weeks before the 3rd D-day incidentally) they "tried to be lovers" he said. So...yeah, obviously they had sex maybe every night? And that's fine with me. It's their honeymoon. Not that he ever called it that. He seemed to refuse and just called it a vacation where he was looking forward to snorkelling and relaxing in the sun. He said mostly they spent their time reading in the hotel (when they weren't out, and when they were, they did separate activities as they don't share interests in that way. She went shopping, he went snorkelling. And that's cool and normal), sitting on different chairs. And he's someone who doesn't feel the need to wear clothes around the house and prefers not to, but she never ever goes naked or not properly clothed, so they both always wore clothes. Anyway, so basically yes, we did discuss it, and as far as I know he told me whenever it happened and I was fine with it. I think because we were long distance, emotional A, the emotional bonding with our respective partners would've been more of a threat than any sexual stuff, seeing as we didn't HAVE that sexual side (not in person anyway). All we had was the emotional stuff so that meant more in a lot of ways.
Summer Breeze Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I assumed they were but it really wasn't an issue for me. I never stopped dating while we were in the A. He never knew til very recently but I never slept with anyone during the time. I never was overly jealous of him or their M. He was super jealous of me and at first almost manic about finding out how I spent my free time. I didn't ask and I didn't tell. That part of his life was his and I had a part that was all mine. He set the rules and I made him play by them. 2
cocorico Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 If you're involved with a MM/MW, did they tell you they were not having sex? Do you believe them? Do you talk about it? Initially I assumed that, since he was M, he must be. It wasn't an issue for me as I had other partners too. But when we became serious and I began to lose interest in other partners, I started to pay more attention to these matters and quickly discovered that their M had been sexless for a long time (predating me) and when I asked him about that he confirmed it. 1
krazikat Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 (edited) I am a bw here...and first of all, I did not kick anyone out of the inf thread...I am actually VERY INTERESTED in both sides because it is helping me forgive the ow in my situation, and also understand her head and my wh head... I just wanted to share what Ow in my situation said...which was my husband told her we were only married for the kids but didnt really have a married relationship and werent really together, and that we slept in seperate beds...and this was all a flat out lie and I believe it broke her heart when she found out after dday...found out just how much he had lied to her for so long. My husband and I maintained a pretty active sex life the entire time, I hated her at first, but now I am just so sad for her...he dropped her after 4+ years on dday, I cant imagine what that feels like. Feel free to tell me to kick rocks, but I just wanted to add what I heard from the OW in my case to add to this very interesting discussion. Edited March 29, 2013 by krazikat
cocorico Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I am a bw here...and first of all, I did not kick anyone out of the inf thread...I am actually VERY INTERESTED in both sides because it is helping me forgive the ow in my situation, and also understand her head and my wh head... I just wanted to share what Ow in my situation said...which was my husband told her we were only married for the kids but didnt really have a married relationship and werent really together, and that we slept in seperate beds...and this was all a flat out lie and I believe it broke her heart when she found out after dday...found out just how much he had lied to her for so long. My husband and I maintained a pretty active sex life the entire time, I hated her at first, but now I am just so sad for her...he dropped her after 4+ years on dday, I cant imagine what that feels like. Feel free to tell me to kick rocks, but I just wanted to add what I heard from the OW in my case to add to this very interesting discussion. I can imagine that there are MM like this, who tell each person what they think they want to hear, in order to "keep them sweet" so that they can maintain the two Rs in parallel while they are unresolved as to what to do longer term. How common it is I wouldn't want to guess, but I imagine that since few have expressed a tolerance for knowingly "sharing", it must be a tempting option for the MM who wishes to perpetuate both Rs for a long(er) time, who is comfortable with dishonesty and does not miss authenticity, and who is able to sustain compartmentalisation. Some would argue that that (being close to the stereotype) would be most MM, but IME I have not met many people of either gender who could, or would want to, do this. KK, I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I wish you well with your efforts. 2
Goodbye Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 If you're involved with a MM/MW, did they tell you they were not having sex? Do you believe them? Do you talk about it? Obviously the thread in The infedelity section has my curiosity going and since we (OW/OM) can't reply there, please reply here. When I was the OW, I didn't ask him if they were having sex, he didn't ask me if I was. He'd make a comment every now and then when I'd say I was going to bed but I never took that further. I always assumed they were having sex, but I surely didn't want to hear him talk about it. Mine claims he hasn't had sex with his wife in over a year. I really want to believe him but through a combination of my own insecurities and his admitted dishonesty, I assume they are having sex. Plus, he is a very sexual person and I doubt he could turn her down and he is invested in "keeping the peace." It makes me very sad and I try to believe him but then become overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts of him being with her and I usually flip out and threaten to tell his wife of our relationship. Not good, I know.
a_roman_holiday Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 We started off as friends. So I knew his relationship was rocky and their sex life wasn't good. When we started seeing each other, he stopped initiating, and they didn't have sex for a while. After he had some talks with her about leaving, she started putting effort into their relationship again. He "confessed" when he had sex with her to me one day a couple weeks into our affair and, even though I had no right, I felt like I had been hit in the gut. I had assumed they were having sex, but I did not want the details. I told him as much and we don't talk about that anymore. So, in a fuzzy, hypothetical way, I'm totally fine with it.... I just can't handle the details.
White Flower Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I can imagine that there are MM like this, who tell each person what they think they want to hear, in order to "keep them sweet" so that they can maintain the two Rs in parallel while they are unresolved as to what to do longer term. How common it is I wouldn't want to guess, but I imagine that since few have expressed a tolerance for knowingly "sharing", it must be a tempting option for the MM who wishes to perpetuate both Rs for a long(er) time, who is comfortable with dishonesty and does not miss authenticity, and who is able to sustain compartmentalisation. Some would argue that that (being close to the stereotype) would be most MM, but IME I have not met many people of either gender who could, or would want to, do this. KK, I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I wish you well with your efforts. I'm sorry for KK too. I dealt with a MM who you describe above and his BW "wants to believe him" but deep down I'm sure she can't and just looks the other way. To be honest, I really don't know why she bothers confronting him anymore. I recently spoke with xMM who shared that there was a Dday a few months ago on a holiday. She found his secret phone and confronted him. This was Dday number 19 (as far as I'm aware) and she asked him to discard the phone. He said he would but he only hid it. And he's back to emailing me and telling me he loves me and he includes that he's shared with his IC that he settled when he went back to his BW, and bla bla bla. He's looking for that white hot sex again but he isn't getting it. 1
Author wanting more Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I was just wondering. There's Sooo many generalizations toward OW (yes I know BSs too) but obviously they're not all true. 1. He never told me they didn't have sex 2. He never talked bad about his BS 3. The whole he "affaired down or up" is not always true. (I really hate those descriptions) 4. I don't have low self esteem 5. I didn't have a troubled childhood 6. I'm not a bad mother because I was in an A 7. I wasn't after him for his money. And my favorite (told to me many times by his BW). I did not seduce a great man of character with my special powers to make him cheat on her. I know there's more but sometimes I just hate reading all the "problems" I have that made me an OW And in no way am I trying to justify my A, I regret everyday the hurt I've caused but sometimes I hate reading here. 2
krazikat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I'm sorry for KK too. I dealt with a MM who you describe above and his BW "wants to believe him" but deep down I'm sure she can't and just looks the other way. To be honest, I really don't know why she bothers confronting him anymore. I recently spoke with xMM who shared that there was a Dday a few months ago on a holiday. She found his secret phone and confronted him. This was Dday number 19 (as far as I'm aware) and she asked him to discard the phone. He said he would but he only hid it. And he's back to emailing me and telling me he loves me and he includes that he's shared with his IC that he settled when he went back to his BW, and bla bla bla. He's looking for that white hot sex again but he isn't getting it. Omg...that is just ugly! After that many ddays it is clear she is accepting it if she stays...i am still very early in r, but if we have another dday that will be it. I cant imagine 19! 1
White Flower Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Omg...that is just ugly! After that many ddays it is clear she is accepting it if she stays...i am still very early in r, but if we have another dday that will be it. I cant imagine 19! She lost a good friend over it. Her friend just wanted better for her and I can't say I blame her. Her friend apologized months later for blowing up at her for taking him back but damage was done to the friendship. Most everyone in their group says she deserves what she gets. I know all this because I am close friends with a mutual friend, and xMM shares a lot.
krazikat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 She lost a good friend over it. Her friend just wanted better for her and I can't say I blame her. Her friend apologized months later for blowing up at her for taking him back but damage was done to the friendship. Most everyone in their group says she deserves what she gets. I know all this because I am close friends with a mutual friend, and xMM shares a lot. Is she financially dependent on him? That is just so sad, her friend probably wanted to shake some sense into her. Being a bs, I know how gut wrenching it is to discover your husband isnt what you thought, that your marriage is a lie. She clearly is suffering but not wanting to face the truth imo...and to lose a close friend over it...damn. Sounds like denial.
White Flower Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Is she financially dependent on him? That is just so sad, her friend probably wanted to shake some sense into her. Being a bs, I know how gut wrenching it is to discover your husband isnt what you thought, that your marriage is a lie. She clearly is suffering but not wanting to face the truth imo...and to lose a close friend over it...damn. Sounds like denial. I'm not so sure she is as financially dependent as she is emotionally dependent; in fact, they have been diagnosed as codependent. When xMM retained a lawyer the calculations were drawn up and I saw them. She would be fine if she managed her money well but she does like to live extravagantly. Who doesn't? But I think that is one of her must-haves, as xMM puts it, which I guess is one reason she tolerates so much. Denial is another factor. Last night xMM told me she has no problem confronting him but looks the other way after a good nights sleep. He actually butt-dialed me a few days after the last Dday. My goodness, she was chatting up a storm about this and that and everything under the sun and acted like nothing ever happened. They were in the car running errands and shopping. I could not believe my ears. I'm too real for that.
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