HampdenMom Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 After almost 25 years of marriage my husband is cheating, again. We had some troubles a few years back, which resulted in a separation. But, we found our way back to each other, with promises to be truthful and honest and do everything possible to make it work. Within less than a year, he was already trying to hook up with various women from High School, trying to recapture his glory days. I confronted him about it, but pretty much knew that if he was so determined to cheat, he would find a way. His job requires heavy travel, so there are countless opportunities, and I always kind of knew he availed himself of the opportunities. Then, about a year ago, I found out that he was spending LOTS of money that we did not have (we almost lost our house and could barely afford heating oil). I asked him then to be truthful, he lied, lied some more and then threw tantrums, He did everything except apologize or change his ways. More spending, more lies, for many, many more months. When our only child left for college, it became clear there was not even a reason to be civil anymore. I started working full time for the first time in 20 years and that's helped fill the gap. But, as he became more and more apathetic, I got to the point where I really could not care less. But, we have massive student loans to pay for our daughter and we can not do that and support 2 homes. We need to stay together. And now, he has reconnected with yet another high school bimbo, who had the audacity to friend request me on Facebook. So, now it really is time to figure out what will be. It does not matter how old our daughter is, this is going to crush her. Who do I confront first? After consulting an attorney, of course...do I confront the OW or the lying, cheating bastard I married?
Author HampdenMom Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I have not replied to the friend request yet, I'm trying to avoid knee jerk reactions. Knowing my husband, he is telling great tales about how mean I am and how neglected he is, would bet that he's tossing in accusations that I try to come between him and our daughter (I don't, he just does not realize that his utter lack of interest in anything that interests her makes her not really wanting to tell him stuff). He has shown himself to be rather needy, and if he is getting the "poor Jim" treatment, he'll be like a labrador getting a belly rub. I think that when he goes away next (our daughter is home on Easter break, no confrontation going to happen this week!), I will message her and as her why she would friend request me considering that she is having an inappropriate relationship with my husband. Made the mistake of looking on his computer today, there are some things that can't be unseen, and the photos she's sent of herself, well, I did not need to see those. Wonder what his employer would think to know that he's using his corporate phone to send and receive nude photos?
Author HampdenMom Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I hate the thought of our daughter having to spend her time between two houses. It's not as if he's home that much anyway. I'm just so sick of being lied to, and him apparently thinking I'm an idiot who is too dumb to see what is going on. He's a crappy husband and a lazy father. But, I will be contacting an attorney, because I put my career on hold a long time ago and worked only part time so I could be a full time mommy. If there is a divorce, it sure as heck won't be amicable, and he certainly will not have the means to "woo" anybody
youdunsay Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If I were you, I'd befriend the woman on fb if you haven't already sent her a mean message and send her a message asking her why she befriended you. You'd be wise to get what info you can from her. You never know, she might be wanting to talk to you to find out if you are his wife or not. Agree. Maybe she's not interested in your husband but still you can check on him via her.
Author HampdenMom Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 If she's not interested, then she probably would not be sending him pictures of her boobs. Our daughter has no idea he's a creep, she still thinks Dad is wonderful. She accepts that he's immature and unreliable. The other crap, she has no clue. When this comes undone, which it will, I will not badmouth him, but I will in no way protect her from the truth. She deserves to know that it was HIS choice to devalue our family, HIS decision that the home we had was not good enough. When she finds out that his penis is more important than his family, she will not be likely to forgive him any time soon. Now, to find an attorney, a really nasty attorney. When we talked divorce many years ago, it was amicable. Not this time. 1
ComingInHot Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 HamdenMom, My heart hurts for you & your daughter! It doesn't sound like this is an isolated occurance therefore I believe beginning communications w/a lawyer is the right step. Somehow, sometime you are going to have to have that sit down talk w/your daughter. Awful, I know but better the truth come from you rather than some twisted half truths from her father or someone else. Have you thought that maybe communicating w/your H in terms of relevence to him? Take what matters to him most and share the consequences and damage that will harm what is most dear to him once this next A of his is outed, and his peers find out or his employers find out and the toll an ugly D will take on his bank account and image... Also, if you truly foresee things getting "ugly" fast, I would start to transfer funds out of a joint account into your own private one or have a cash stash on hand. Now is also a good time to raly your support team to help you and offer protection both emotionally & mentally. I pray courage & strength upon you during this storm* CIH
Author HampdenMom Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks, everybody, for the great advice. My daughter is home now until Monday on spring break. By the time she comes home for the summer, there will be some sort of resolution. Either he ditches the bimbo and gets his butt into counseling or he can move back to his parents; house. The more I am reading, the more convinced I am that this is a terribly toxic arrangement. While I am terrified at the thought of losing his family (they will take his side no matter what), it's time to concentrate on what is healthy for me.
BetrayedH Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Confronting your WH or the OW really does nothing other than show them your cards. Seriously. Gather/print all the evidence that you have and take it to an attorney. If you still want to stick it to him, pile all of his stuff in the front yard, change the locks, and send a message to the OW to come and pick up his things because he's moving in. I'm not even kidding.
SmokeRat Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 BetrayedH is right. Never show your cards too early. That's your leverage and your best weapon in all of this. Once I confronted the OM about nailing my wife, I layed out her medical conditions, her medical cycles and all his new responsibilities when it came to her health. How often he needs to wake her up, what levels of insulin she needs, how many hours of body massages she needs to help control the body pains, her eye injections and how to apply them, laser appointments, neuropathy, anxiety medications, depression medications, phobias, aversion to regular sex, her veganism, and so on. He ran, and ran hard. Right back into the arms of his incredibly dangerous and PO'd wife. Point out all your husbands faults, and see how fast the OW comes running to get him haha! 2
summerdowling87 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 All I can say is don't say or do anything you might regret later on. U are super pissed right now I see why. Try to clam down and go at this with a cool head in the game. Be the bigger person even if it's hard to do. Just think of being the bigger person for yourself and daughter. My father was a cheater and a drunk and I know it all though my mom never said anything. (I don't respect him neither do my brother) and he knows it. So just be clam you'll come out better in the end.
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