JohnStuart2288 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Okay, so I have made two threads on here about my particular situation. If you want full details, go read the previous threads I made, otherwise here is a summary. So I met this married woman online. We end up having an emotional affair after a month or so of getting to know each other. We decided to meet up in the US (she is in Norway, im in the US), we had an amazing two weeks together, but then it was time for her to go back home. She has always been honest with me and at the time, she told me there were things she couldnt give me. Five months later (still deeply involved in an emotional affair) we meet up again, but this time in the UK. We were much more serious this time. she had moved out of her H's house a week before, and we had serious plans of being together. We, again had a wonderful two weeks, until we had to go back home. At this point, we were on Skype a lot though. We would have sleepcam every night. Three months later, she moves to her parents in the UK and their separation process officially started. Meanwhile, me and her are still having a long distance online relationship. She becomes extremely depressed however, and tells me that I need to give her time and space, before we pursued our relationship. Five months later, things change a bit since I get accepted to school in the UK. I was then able to see her much more often. I eventually met her parents, and they loved me. A couple months after that, she goes back to Norway to get her divorce finalized, but it turns out that she has to wait another year (by law). She was very sad about this but told me she was willing to give me her all now. Three months later, we get an apartment together and we have been living here here since (for the past two months). Now, my problem is that she still loves her husband. I asked her what she would do if her H wanted her back, and she said that he wont and that she wouldn't trust him anyways. I asked her if she was still attached and she said in a way she was. Ultimately, she left him because he didnt want kids and I did. She has told me also that she is depressed and that her feelings are jaded now because of that experience. Some days she is very happy around me, but overall she confesses that she is still hurt from her marriage. And I believe if I left her, it would destroy her. I still love her very much, so I can't do that. I want to hear your thoughts on the subject. I've talked to my best friend about this and he thinks I should leave.
Mrs.Dee Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I think it is pretty clear she has made a choise not continuing with her husband, if she moved to a different country and filed for a divorce. But after beeing in a relationship for a long time ( you said they were married, so I am just guessing they had been together for a long time) you still will have feelings for your xpartner for a long time even thougth you have decided that he is not the one. So the question is really, what is she for you? IS she worth all her luggage from the past? and only you can answer that
ThatJustHappened Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 So she's still in love with her husband, but she knows it won't work out because he doesn't want kids and she does. She needs time to get over the break up with her husband before she'll be ready to commit to anyone else. You're her rebound. She needs to be alone to heal for a while.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) How could I still be her rebound though? She waited over a year just to make sure I'm not a rebound. Is it possible to still be a rebound even after all this? We are living together in our own apartment now. We have even made a little savings box for our future daughter. This woman has always been straight up and honest with me. I am really mostly concerned about her grieving process. I want to know how long this will take. I know this is something she has to deal with, and I play no part in that. But am I getting in the way of her grieving process? And I don't want to leave her because I love her. And even if I wanted to leave, I couldn't because I would really destroy her, and I don't want that on my conscious. Edited March 27, 2013 by JohnStuart2288
Mrs.Dee Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 If she says she still loves her husband and mean "love" as in romantic love and not "love" as in care for, then she might need to first get over her husband before she should get into a new relationship. I am also from Norway, and in Norway we have 2 different words for love meaning 2 different things that both translate into "love" in English. If she still love him as in "elsker" she probably is still "in love with him" and you might really be a rebound, someone she is with to try to get over her husband with. But if she just love him as in " er glad i" then it is probably more like she loves him as a friend and might not still be "in love with" him.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) The way she puts it is, She is still in love with the man she married, but that was just an illusion. The real man she married isn't him at all, or at least what she says. She also tells me a lot that she wishes she had met me first, which I know raises a lot of red flags. But let me also mention that she claims to be over him. I know if I left though, I would completely destroy her. How could I go about this responsibly? Edited March 27, 2013 by JohnStuart2288
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Tell her to seek counseling to help her grieve the loss of the dream she had with her ex H and who she *thought* he was. She fell in love with someone whom she thought she knew and he turned out to be a poison apple. Put a time limit on this for yourself. I mean if she hasn't made much progress by the summer and she's still feeling confused and in love with a fantasy man, then there's no way it'll work with you, you won't have her full heart. She's asked for space and time - So why would it devastate her if you left? Just give that some thought. 1
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) Hmmm, I don't know if I could live with that - knowing I was there because choice #1 didn't want kids. Forget about how she feels for a moment - how do you feel about that? Also, how do you feel about the fact that she will find another before ending it with you if she finds fault with you? This is a very intersting relationship. I am sorry that you're hurting and distraught. That's a bad way to be, particularly over someone you love and moved halfway around the world for. I don't feel good about it at all. She tells me that before she was hurt by him, everything was perfect. But now that she is wounded and scarred from that experience, everything seems jaded. I don't want to convince myself that it will get better after we have a child together (we've talked about raising a family a lot). Tell her to seek counseling to help her grieve the loss of the dream she had with her ex H and who she *thought* he was. She fell in love with someone whom she thought she knew and he turned out to be a poison apple. Put a time limit on this for yourself. I mean if she hasn't made much progress by the summer and she's still feeling confused and in love with a fantasy man, then there's no way it'll work with you, you won't have her full heart. She's asked for space and time - So why would it devastate her if you left? Just give that some thought. She has been seeking counseling for the past three months, and in fact she suggested that I start coming with her to try and better our relationship. So far, we've attended one together; the next session is tomorrow. Also, I don't think she necessarily wants time and space away from me now. I mean, she kind of got that for a year after she split with her H. At this moment in time, we are living together. I don't get people that go from one relationship to the next while they are still emotionally involved with the prior mate. IMO, this implies a person with a greater than average need for external validation. For me that would be a red flag. Secondly, she seems to talk in an ambivalent manner and that is also a sign of confusion which is often related to being needy. A healthy person generally stays single for a long time after ending a long term relationship. In any event I wish you good luck. Why did she get divorced? Well, we've been emotionally involved now for two years. And she didn't jump into a relationship with me immediately after she started the separation process from her H, she waited a year. And then after that, she told me she was ready to be with me because she felt like she was finally able to get a proper goodbye to him and his family. At that time, she seemed like she had finally moved on. However she is still very depressed from it all, though she says it has gotten better. Still, I asked her if she still loved her H or was still attached, and she said yeah. She left her H because he doesn't want kids and has chronic depression. She said she caught him in a "happier time" in his life. She constantly calls me her angel/savior/bright light. I think I definitely had a big influence on her leaving her H too. Just to be clear though, the major deal breaker was the fact that he didn't want kids. She said she fought really hard for that marriage to work out, and now she is drained. Edited March 27, 2013 by JohnStuart2288
Quiet Storm Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 It's sounds like you are her soft place to land. You offer her stability, emotional support and companionship, which are important needs for her right now because of the divorce. Usually what happens in these situations is that once the grieving divorcee is emotionally stronger and "over it", they find a new partner. Don't be her transition man. Tell her that you need your partner to be "all in". Tell her that you need a partner that is sure about her feelings. Waiting around for her to grieve and get over it is weak and passive. This is YOUR life. You do not have to wait on the emotions of another person. You don't have to tolerate this. It is not your responsibility to be her emotional support, especially regarding her marriage. You don't have to put up with this just because you leaving would "devastate" her. Her devastation is her baby to rock, not yours. 1
Mrs.Dee Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) I don't like what she says to you, If I was dating her I would want her to be 100% fulfilled. The longing for her marriage bothers me. Perhaps the best move you could make to get 100% of her would be to leave. Folks don't know what they have until they lose it. The thing is ..what is she really saying to him? As I tried to explain, she could mean love as in "inlove" or love as in "care for". My guess is that she feels she betrays her husband by leaving him. She has probably had a very rough time with his depression and if she was loyal to him she would also manage to be there for him when he really needed her to be. But living with someone that are chronically depressed will wear people out in the end and one day I think most of us will get to the end of how much more we can take. And if she did that, it probably feels as a major defeat when she understood she had to leave. And the fact that he is in so much misery now, will probably also feel she loves ( or cares for him) him more than if she knew he was doing ok, but it is not necessarily a romantic love anymore, as she has come to terms witht hat he is not the man she once loved and fell in love with. What you should do about it, I don’t know… You certainly have no obligation to stay with her…. But if you want to stay with her because you love her… I wouldn’t be worried that she would go back to her husband – I think.. Edited March 28, 2013 by Mrs.Dee
Mrs.Dee Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 No need to settle for less in a relationship. I believe OP should have a woman that is not pining for her exH. The ILY, but no in love with you is often a way to get out of the situation and the expression becomes meaningless. In the end the ILY means "horny". I get the fat that he was once OM and was used to share her heart, but now this is a different ballgame. From alot of other post you have made you seem to see the world in black and white... but honestly isn't it really just humane to care about someone that were once important to you if they are in misery? I mean could you even love someone that turned their back at someone they had known for year and years if that someone got in trouble?
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 But it never bothered you that she was cheating on her husband with you? Why isn't that on your conscience, if you really have one? -ol' 2long They were in an open marriage for one, because he wasn't sexually active due to his depression. It was an attempt to save her marriage, because she wasn't getting the physical or emotional connection she needed from him. Also, I tried breaking it off with her three times by going no contact. I was too emotionally involved at that point though, so those attempts failed. She is the first woman I've ever loved, and I gave her my virginity (at 23, but she didnt know I was a virgin at the time. So yes, I was definitely blinded by love due to my naiveness and inexperience. And looking back on it now, I should have left her then and carry out my own life while she dealt with hers; because nobody should have to go through that bull****. On the other hand, she has always been upfront and honest with me. We were both feeling very guilty about this whole thing, we just fell for each other very hard.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 The thing is ..what is she really saying to him? As I tried to explain, she could mean love as in "inlove" or love as in "care for". My guess is that she feels she betrays her husband by leaving him. She has probably had a very rough time with his depression and if she was loyal to him she would also manage to be there for him when he really needed her to be. But living with someone that are chronically depressed will wear people out in the end and one day I think most of us will get to the end of how much more we can take. And if she did that, it probably feels as a major defeat when she understood she had to leave. And the fact that he is in so much misery now, will probably also feel she loves ( or cares for him) him more than if she knew he was doing ok, but it is not necessarily a romantic love anymore, as she has come to terms witht hat he is not the man she once loved and fell in love with. What you should do about it, I don’t know… You certainly have no obligation to stay with her…. But if you want to stay with her because you love her… I wouldn’t be worried that she would go back to her husband – I think.. This is exactly how she describes it to me.
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 It is just an opinion. I would not want to be in a relationship with a woman that still loves her ex H. I realize there are men and women that do that. I am simply giving my view. You may want to read the post of Quiet Storm above. I think OP finds himself in this predicament because he started as OM and was waiting for her to get over the divorce. I believe OP has waited quite a bit. If he really wants to make this work he needs to walk. I have indeed waited a long time, and looking back on it now; I wish I would have left her a long time ago for her to get over her past relationship. With that said though, things have definitely progressed from, say, last year. I don't want all of my effort to go to waste. I still love her very much and want that future with her I envisioned two years ago. What you're saying is making sense though.
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