MsSmurf Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I've noticed several threads on here regarding guys getting stuck in the friendzone and how to get out, but what about the reverse? After a chat with pals regarding this phenomenon amongst several gals we know we were unable to figure out a viable solution so I decided to post the question here for outside input. The adults involved in the following scenario are both 30+, attractive, emotionally available, and possess great qualities that most people desire. So after a few dates the girl is friendzoned by the guy and she wants more. She feels she has a lot to offer (my friends and I all concur) and she'd love another chance. Nothing weird, scary, or otherwise unappealing occurred on any of their dates and both parties admit to having a blast together. What could/should she do to get out of the friendzone? Note: For the sake of simplicity lets not turn this into a debate over whether or not girls are friendzoned and how frequently that may or may not happen.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Let me let you in on a secret....most women think they are "special" and has a lot to offer, why do people get so stuck in this train of thought? I have never sat down and looked at myself and said "Wow...Ninja, you sure darn done got a lot to offer dem dere girls....youuuu are a catch!" maybe I'm a weirdo for not having done that but I don't really feel the need to meet someone else expectations or anything that...it just is or it isn't, compatible or not, why is this such a personal thing people take as if they are supposed to be magically compatible with every person they feel they have a lot to offer? which is often extremely skewed and peppered with a heavy down of personal bias and perspective...and yes, even if your "friends" tell you how amazing of a catch you are...never heard that one before coming from friends! It's not about being weird, scary, particularly ugly or having fangs for teeth or having a beard (ok it is quite possibly the beard in that case) and guess what sometimes it is...sometimes you are just not that appealing physically or a mans cup of tea, it just works that way sometimes. And sometimes it's just your personality, maybe the chemistry didn't feel strong, maybe you were annoying or just didn't strike a cord...who knows! You get friendzoned because that person doesn't particular have a strong romantic interest towards you, you don't have the qualities they are looking for which can vary greatly from man to man...so how in the world could you imagine that you'd change something, without knowing what it is he doesn't like about you nor would he likely ever say to your face...and how would you be this person without being someone completely different? essentially someone else. There's no point in the friendzone people! you move on, stop groveling over this person, you're only asking them to settle to consider you as a relationship partner. There is no second chances! "Love" if that's what you want to call it doesn't happen that way, at least not to me. With that being said, what is it after two dates that made you feel friendzoned? What was the actual wording or gesture?
StanMusial Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 One reason this happens is that the guy just isn't sexually attracted to her. I guess she could fix herself up some but other than lose weight perhaps I don't know what else to say. Maybe some of the ladies could chime in with some tips. If the guy is gay there's not much she can do. I have seen that scenario play out before.
Author MsSmurf Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 One reason this happens is that the guy just isn't sexually attracted to her. I guess she could fix herself up some but other than lose weight perhaps I don't know what else to say. Maybe some of the ladies could chime in with some tips. If the guy is gay there's not much she can do. I have seen that scenario play out before. Hahaha no the guy in question is not gay, not by a long shot. We did ponder the whole "fix herself up" option, but since she isn't overweight or disfigured so we figured the only option was maybe trying a different style of clothing or makeup. Girls do that kind of thing frequently anyway just to mix it up, not necessarily because of a guy. She wasn't friendzoned. Guys don't have a friendzone. He isn't attracted. Only thing she can do is find another guy. I have known very beautiful women who were never a blip on the radar even with making themselves known very clearly and even being very flirtatious. Didn't matter. They were still nothing to me. Now this is an interesting response. I always figured guys didn't ask out girls they weren't attracted to. So regarding the two people my friends and I were discussing, he asked her out every time. What would be the point in that if he wasn't attracted to her? And if guys don't have a friendzone then why do they suggest being friends instead? Or do you mean it is more like just friends and shouldn't be thought of as a zone that one might be able to get out of? And of course we suggested she move on (which is what we've told every other gal we've known that ended up friendzoned), but then the conversation shifted to how many guys we know that have worked to get out of the friendzone successfully and whether or not girls can do that too.
StanMusial Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 How do people get friendzoned anyway? Why do they stay? Unless I am dating, in a relationship, married or screwing you... I am not going to do your homework, listen to your problems, go shopping with you, walk your dog, be a shoulder to cry on, listen to you complain about your BF, take you out, give you a massage, etc. What's the endgame? To try and prove your worth to someone you secretly want... All with the hope this person finally sees how great / wonderful you are? How long does this process exactly take? Does this ever actually work? When they get a BF, don't they pretty much cut you off unless they have they are having problems with their BF? Isn't it easier just to get a girlfriend instead? Well I don't want to untrack the thread, but I've known guys to get "friendzoned" because they chased after girls they never really had a shot with anyway. They were fine being the "friend" just as long as they thought they still had a shot. I'm with you though, I never put myself in that situation. It was always pretty obvious when I didn't have a chance for more. Maybe this applies to girls as well, I never really thought about it. My instinct tells me it is a different dynamic though. Even if a girl fixates on a guy who doesn't want to date her, she may have other options.
pbjbear Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) The difference between men and women in this situation is a woman can never get out of the friendzone unless the guy "settles" to be with her. If a guy friendzones you, he is not attracted to you. Personality does not make up the lack of attraction for men the same way it does for women. Men dont care if you are smart, funny or charismatic...they may like it but it doesnt make them attracted to you. Looks are higher up on their priority list for attraction. Since men place more emphasis on visual attraction in deciding if they are attracted to someone or not you either have it or you dont. My male friends back me up on this statement. Sometimes a guy will grow on a girl but rarely does the opposite happen where the guy actually really likes her If you want to get out of the friendzone....work on your looks. Hard. Try to look like a model really Edited March 26, 2013 by pbjbear 2
sillyanswer Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 What could/should she do to get out of the friendzone? I think the characterisation of it as a "zone" from which one can escape, as if from some sort of purgatory, is as unhelpful as it is misleading. It's a rejection, when one party doesn't find (or no longer finds) the other person attractive. Once you get to that realisation, then I suppose there's the possibility of somehow getting the person to reassess things, but I don't think you'll find a universal "how-to" instruction manual on that. In most cases the solution is to move on and not linger in the state of failing to move on.
pbjbear Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Guys dont care so much whats on the inside unless you are hot first...all those "great qualities" you are referring to are prob character/personality traits.
Author MsSmurf Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I think the characterisation of it as a "zone" from which one can escape, as if from some sort of purgatory, is as unhelpful as it is misleading. It's a rejection, when one party doesn't find (or no longer finds) the other person attractive. Once you get to that realisation, then I suppose there's the possibility of somehow getting the person to reassess things, but I don't think you'll find a universal "how-to" instruction manual on that. In most cases the solution is to move on and not linger in the state of failing to move on. I tend to think this more often than not, but am surprised that often times the concept of a "zone" is somewhat flexible when it comes to a woman placing a man there. I don't think we were hoping to find a how to guide, but were more surprised that of the bunch of us we were pretty clueless. Wondering how to get a guy to reassess things is probably more accurate phrasing and leads me to think that something would have to be different in order to encourage that. For example: If he felt she was overweight and then she lost weight, that could lead to him reassessing. If he felt she was immature and then she spent some time working on herself, that could lead to him reassessing. Now of course I'm not suggesting that anyone should become someone they aren't or change aspects of themselves that they aren't bothered by, but I'm curious if this what you were getting at with your comments on reassessing.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Hahaha no the guy in question is not gay, not by a long shot. We did ponder the whole "fix herself up" option, but since she isn't overweight or disfigured so we figured the only option was maybe trying a different style of clothing or makeup. Girls do that kind of thing frequently anyway just to mix it up, not necessarily because of a guy. Now this is an interesting response. I always figured guys didn't ask out girls they weren't attracted to. So regarding the two people my friends and I were discussing, he asked her out every time. What would be the point in that if he wasn't attracted to her? And if guys don't have a friendzone then why do they suggest being friends instead? Or do you mean it is more like just friends and shouldn't be thought of as a zone that one might be able to get out of? And of course we suggested she move on (which is what we've told every other gal we've known that ended up friendzoned), but then the conversation shifted to how many guys we know that have worked to get out of the friendzone successfully and whether or not girls can do that too. When you are past 30 looks alone isnt the driver in relationships and success/failure with dates. a few options: 1. He may not be interested in getting serious... 2. He may have a great relationship with her but in learning about her he has found she has quirks or she wants things he doesnt want. She may want to live in the country while he wants to live in the city, she wants umpteen kids, he only wants 1, she wants to raise a child in a religious household while he is not religious. These are core incompatablity issues. 3. He may be looking for a spark that he isnt feeling with her---even if she is attractive and he looks her and can say she is attractive---but he just isnt into her. She may be blonde while he is into redheads.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I tend to think this more often than not, but am surprised that often times the concept of a "zone" is somewhat flexible when it comes to a woman placing a man there. I don't think we were hoping to find a how to guide, but were more surprised that of the bunch of us we were pretty clueless. Wondering how to get a guy to reassess things is probably more accurate phrasing and leads me to think that something would have to be different in order to encourage that. For example: If he felt she was overweight and then she lost weight, that could lead to him reassessing. If he felt she was immature and then she spent some time working on herself, that could lead to him reassessing. Now of course I'm not suggesting that anyone should become someone they aren't or change aspects of themselves that they aren't bothered by, but I'm curious if this what you were getting at with your comments on reassessing. the other problem----there is a disconnect with the woemn. They are wanting it all and not wanting to settle....or they think guys want to see this side of them when the guys want to see this other. I suggest you read "Have Him at Hello" by Rachel Greenwald The most common problem that women had in terms of first impressions with men---The men could see hiring them over dating them.
Author MsSmurf Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 How many guys have you known were truly successful? At most they get into a lukewarm relationship with a girl hoping for someone else and working too hard to keep a shattered vase together with a roll of masking tape. Actually we know a number of married couples that ended up together after he got out of the friendzone. But yes I do agree that often things just wind up lukewarm and not worth it. When you are past 30 looks alone isnt the driver in relationships and success/failure with dates. a few options: 1. He may not be interested in getting serious... 2. He may have a great relationship with her but in learning about her he has found she has quirks or she wants things he doesnt want. She may want to live in the country while he wants to live in the city, she wants umpteen kids, he only wants 1, she wants to raise a child in a religious household while he is not religious. These are core incompatablity issues. 3. He may be looking for a spark that he isnt feeling with her---even if she is attractive and he looks her and can say she is attractive---but he just isnt into her. She may be blonde while he is into redheads. Hmmm now this is interesting. We had pondered #1, but #2 didn't occur to us at all. And you're right at 30+ you are focusing more on compatibility issues. Hmmm the girls and I certainly will have plenty to continue this discussion at our next get together.
Ami1uwant Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) Actually we know a number of married couples that ended up together after he got out of the friendzone. But yes I do agree that often things just wind up lukewarm and not worth it. Hmmm now this is interesting. We had pondered #1, but #2 didn't occur to us at all. And you're right at 30+ you are focusing more on compatibility issues. Hmmm the girls and I certainly will have plenty to continue this discussion at our next get together. When you get older you have an idea of what sort of personality traits or charactersitics you like or dislike. Compatability is a big part. I am not sacrificing the fact i love activity XXX for her. Id rather have a woman who also like XXX or can tolerate me liking XXX. You are also formed from past relationships in knowing what types of personality you like and what you do not. Everything could be great---but if she has this quirk that reminds you of your horrendous ex you dont want to have nightmares so you pass. This happened to my sister ince in her dates...she met a guy who was nice---but he reminded him of me. I have had a date that reminded me of my sister. I dont want any part of that. Edited March 27, 2013 by Ami1uwant
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I've noticed several threads on here regarding guys getting stuck in the friendzone and how to get out, but what about the reverse? After a chat with pals regarding this phenomenon amongst several gals we know we were unable to figure out a viable solution so I decided to post the question here for outside input. The adults involved in the following scenario are both 30+, attractive, emotionally available, and possess great qualities that most people desire. So after a few dates the girl is friendzoned by the guy and she wants more. She feels she has a lot to offer (my friends and I all concur) and she'd love another chance. Nothing weird, scary, or otherwise unappealing occurred on any of their dates and both parties admit to having a blast together. What could/should she do to get out of the friendzone? Note: For the sake of simplicity lets not turn this into a debate over whether or not girls are friendzoned and how frequently that may or may not happen. My friendzone is similar to a girl's friendzone. If a girl does something that I find disrespectful...or if she has qualities that I'm not looking for....or if she's looking for something different than what I'm looking for....she's in my friendzone. I can't speak for all guys, but this is how I go about it.
Author MsSmurf Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 This happened to my sister ince in her dates...she met a guy who was nice---but he reminded him of me. I have had a date that reminded me of my sister. I dont want any part of that. Yeah that would be really really icky lol.
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