Dumped by Text

[Emilia]

i wouldnt disagree that some survivors of trauma look at the world in a negative light. perhaps though itsmaybe worth remembering why, nobody ever ever asks to be traumatised. the unfortunate reality of what that trauma has done is it has caused a massive emotional wound. the wound heals but the scar remains forever.

 

Of course, completely and absolutely. I am trying to show you the other side. How others who don't suffer from PTSD for example see it. Two sides to every relationship.

 

.i would say i know a fair amount of non traumatised people who are pretty negative players too

 

Absolutely, they have their troubles too in relationships.

[Bindie100]

i think it genuinely comes down to education, understanding and responsibility. we all have a responsibility in in relationships for honesty and transparency. for me i was always completely honest and open never from day one hid anything. was it therefore not her responsibility to educate herself properly as to what she was actually getting into? it seems unfair to then compound the issue by trying blame the breakdown on my emotional maladies.

[Emilia]

i think it genuinely comes down to education, understanding and responsibility. we all have a responsibility in in relationships for honesty and transparency. for me i was always completely honest and open never from day one hid anything. was it therefore not her responsibility to educate herself properly as to what she was actually getting into? it seems unfair to then compound the issue by trying blame the breakdown on my emotional maladies.

 

In my opinion it comes down to how much she was willing to submerge herself in another person's pain and misery. It comes down to whether she thought a codependent relationship is healthy for her. Not sure why you think she should have 'educated' yourself in PTSD, she wasn't a trained psychologist I assume?

 

YOUR responsibility is to get better mentally as much as you can. It is not her fault what happened to you and it is not her job or responsibility to make you better. As a famous psychologist put it once: it probably isn't your fault what has happened to you in your life but it is your job to fix it.

 

You can expect emphathy and sympathy from another person but only to an extent. Maybe she felt she wasn't equipped to deal with your PTSD? Why do you think that your situation should overtake her life completely? Why should her life be submerged in it as much as yours is? Isn't one victim enough?

[Bindie100]

Valid points im sure and in response i would say this. firstly i have never looked or think of my self as a victim, far from it a survivor yes victim never. my point about education and communication is valid, a for instance. guy in a relationship with a female rape survivor. does he just plough in so to speak, startle her in the dark or act in a physically or threatening way toward her in the mind set of so what, its not my fault. i can behave however i want around you or does he try and understand that there are paramiters he can work within which are respectfull to his partner. or as she is just a victim as you put it she should pull her self together and accept whatever comes her way.in mypast relationship my ex had infact accused her own father of wrong doings toward her. much of our relationship in ways was my helping her and supporting her rebuild that relationship. it was hugely important to her and having lost my own family over this as many do i could see her need. her ex partner of 9 years a drug taking alcoholic wouldn't entertain the idea. i think its very easy

to label people but your original question related to conflict resolution, my 'phobia' is emotional confrontation with a woman i am attached to. if i explain this and the reasons why is it therefore my fault if these situations trigger a fear response? much like the female rape victim would it be her fault for panicing if say her partner grabbed her unexpectedly in the dark? or is it just common senase to work with what you have in front of you and concentrate on the positive aspects of the relationship, and learn to overcome the negative ?

[Emilia]

Valid points im sure and in response i would say this. firstly i have never looked or think of my self as a victim, far from it a survivor yes victim never. my point about education and communication is valid, a for instance. guy in a relationship with a female rape survivor. does he just plough in so to speak, startle her in the dark or act in a physically or threatening way toward her in the mind set of so what, its not my fault.

 

Would he do that to any woman regardless whether she is a rape victim or not? He could only treat the woman the way he treats others.

 

i can behave however i want around you or does he try and understand that there are paramiters he can work within which are respectfull to his partner. or as she is just a victim as you put it she should pull her self together and accept whatever comes her way.

You would have to behave towards her as towards any woman. It is a person's decision whether they can delve into an abuse victim's situation further. It is her responsibility however to fix herself. You can't fix anyone else except yourself anyway. You can't change people.

 

in mypast relationship my ex had infact accused her own father of wrong doings toward her. much of our relationship in ways was my helping her and supporting her rebuild that relationship. it was hugely important to her and having lost my own family over this as many do i could see her need. her ex partner of 9 years a drug taking alcoholic wouldn't entertain the idea. i think its very easy

to label people but your original question related to conflict resolution, my 'phobia' is emotional confrontation with a woman i am attached to. if i explain this and the reasons why is it therefore my fault if these situations trigger a fear response? much like the female rape victim would it be her fault for panicing if say her partner grabbed her unexpectedly in the dark? or is it just common senase to work with what you have in front of you and concentrate on the positive aspects of the relationship, and learn to overcome the negative ?

 

Explaining things is not enough. You can't expect another person to deal with your fear response just because you explained where it comes from. You need to seek out a therapist who teaches you how to use the tools the rest of us have available for dealing with our emotional responses using your intellect ie to take kneejerk reactions out of the equation.

 

If emotional confrontation means you withdraw and get silent, you need to be given tools by your therapist to help you with constructive communication and conflict resolution. Ditto if you get angry and lash out because your perception of the motive of the other person tells you that you should defend yourself.

 

It is unrealistic to expect another person to accept you as you are and only deal with positive aspects of the relationship. You MUST strive to fix the negative and to get a good handle of the emotional responses. It is very good that you were able to help your ex regarding her relationship with her father. It's good that you found it easy but most people will not find it easy and they will not want the responsibility to fix things.

[Bindie100]

I think in fairness your understanding of what significant psycological trauma is and the effect all survivors of trauma are left with is very blinkered. Trauma by definition is a human's reaction to an non human event. Its a medical fact that the chemical and neurological responses of the brain following these incidents will never be the same same as pre trauma.

 

I refer here to all trauma, soldiers returning from Iraq, Afghanistan, Police Officers/ Emergency workers responding to 7/7 or horrific RTA. These people will at a greater risk of being involved in and seeing truly horrific scenes that will in most cases change them irrepairably for the rest of their lives. Countless Police fficers have ended up in the most God awful states following these type of events and they will unfortunately never ever be the same people again. Therapy as you refer to it is helpfull for a great number of people but equally it can never ever remove the scars left on the brain or it's response mechanism.

 

Most Soldiers, Police men Emergency response workers have or at least had these tools and intelect you speak of, but the damage done by the incidents they were involved in has altered their brain response in such a way that these tools are now not capable of processing the information that they have just been exposed to.

 

One of the biggest things trauma leaves these people with is Guilt, the soldier who lost his mate in front of his eyes to an IED will for the rest of his life be haunted by the feeling of why him not me!.

 

Fixing it really isn't an option, it's as fixed as it's likely to ever be. You can't unrape the rape survivor, The police officer can't not respond to the incident where he saw a decapitated baby, the soldiers mate isn't coming back. The changes that have now physically taken place in all these people's physical mental and emotional make up can't be undone. What they can and in most cases over time do is find a way of coping with it, dealing with it on a level that allows them to live as close to normal a life as possible. If they are brave enough to explain what happened and what it's left them with is it not the responsibility of the people around them to try at least try and understand and meet them 1/2 way in an effort to co exist.

[Seachelle1]

Emilia,

 

Everyone responds differently to trauma but in people with PTSD, we are often diagnosed because we respond to normal situations as if it is an emergency.

 

A friend mentioned that to me before I was officially diagnosed. You're so calm when the big things hit, you sail right through. But someone drops a pencil and you act like it's a life-threatening emergency.

 

Not everyone has this reaction, but I am a rape survivor and a boyfriend/significant other would be unwise to not take seriously my problems (particularly while having sex). This is me, this is my reaction. I cannot speak for Blindie or anyone else but there is probably going to be some crossover and so some Venn stereotypes can be used with some accuracy even as diverse as we are.

 

I see where you're coming from. Nobody wants to be treated as abnormal, I hate it and a lot of people do it when they find out. I'm super smart, sweet, not crazy, not bad looking. But I DO respond badly and I DO hyperventilate or go out of my head if a guy touches me in a way that is triggering. As much as I want all that to go away it doesn't.

 

I've been through the civil suit. I've been through the criminal proceedings. I've been to the shrink. I've done everything right and I still have nightmares every night and sometimes hyperventilate while having sex. It isn't something I want or that I celebrate, it is just a fact of life and how my brain works. I refuse to be ashamed, I continue to try and I'm not giving up. I continue to go to counseling and my relationships continue to fall apart.

 

Men want to sleep with me, sure. But they don't want to stick around when I'm crying and think I'm getting raped again. And they don't want to be a part of terminal states of emergency. I get why but it is very painful and rubs salt in the wound.

 

Then there is the group of people who say that I shouldn't be this way. Well? Where's the cure?????? Give it to me, PLEASE!!!!!! I WANT to forget. I WANT to lobotomize that part of my life.

[Emilia]

What they can and in most cases over time do is find a way of coping with it, dealing with it on a level that allows them to live as close to normal a life as possible. If they are brave enough to explain what happened and what it's left them with is it not the responsibility of the people around them to try at least try and understand and meet them 1/2 way in an effort to co exist.

 

This is what I meant when I said you had to fix yourself.

 

I am sorry that you find the idea that others will not fit in your world but you are asking other people too much. It's not blinkered, the truth is we are no psychologists.

 

You never replied to my questions on this thread in a straight forward manner as to how you reacted to conflicts in your relationships. I'd imagine your therapist(s) can advise you to what level it is likely that you will be able to function in a healthier way in a relationship. Expect someone else to meet you '1/2 way' (ie ignoring the negatives and focus on the positives) just because you spoke about your PTSD is not realistic for most people.

[Emilia]

 

Then there is the group of people who say that I shouldn't be this way. Well? Where's the cure?????? Give it to me, PLEASE!!!!!! I WANT to forget. I WANT to lobotomize that part of my life.

 

Nobody says you shouldn't be this way. My point was - which the OP twisted - is that he expects others to deal with his PTSD almost unquestioningly. I said it was unrealistic. He needs to work on himself to get better, to go to therapy, etc to be able to participate in healthier relationships.

 

This is not blaming the victim, it is simply saying that other people cannot help, they wouldn't know what to do in the first place, me, others on LS, others in real life are not psychiatrists or psychologists.

[Seachelle1]

Emilia,

 

FYI you're talking to yourself. A brief skimming of your response revealed to me the combination of arrogance and ignorance upon which no reason can impose. Have a nice life. I stand by Blindie in every single way.