Dumped by Text

[Bindie100]

I was with this particular girl for over a year and we were living together for abut the last 6 or 7 months, is what she said she wanted. I have PTSD from being abused in childhood (She knew all about this right from the start). Anyway just before christmass we got engaged had a great christmass, and after it we were discussing when the right time was t start a family. She's 40 I'm 44, through January i got pretty depressed and was having difficulty with returning Flashbacks and reliving etc. I had tried coming off my medication because she said it made me snore, and was affecting our sleep. End of January while at work one evening i got a text saying it was over and she'd packed my stuff into my car and was gone for a few days. I crashed completely moved back into my own place and tried to give her space, three weeks later i got a letter on face book. Saying again it was over for good and it was the depth of my emotional challenges that was the problem. I am totally heartbroken, i feel like i am paying again for being abused. It feels like my fault

[steveT95]

Just do your best to remember this is not your fault.

If she couldn't deal with the effects in your life then she is the weaker one of you both and it she wasn't right for you.

I'm sorry she did it the way she did, it's a heartless thing to do.

[polyglot]

I was with this particular girl for over a year and we were living together for abut the last 6 or 7 months, is what she said she wanted. I have PTSD from being abused in childhood (She knew all about this right from the start). Anyway just before christmass we got engaged had a great christmass, and after it we were discussing when the right time was t start a family. She's 40 I'm 44, through January i got pretty depressed and was having difficulty with returning Flashbacks and reliving etc. I had tried coming off my medication because she said it made me snore, and was affecting our sleep. End of January while at work one evening i got a text saying it was over and she'd packed my stuff into my car and was gone for a few days. I crashed completely moved back into my own place and tried to give her space, three weeks later i got a letter on face book. Saying again it was over for good and it was the depth of my emotional challenges that was the problem. I am totally heartbroken, i feel like i am paying again for being abused. It feels like my fault

 

When she can't accept your problems - F--k her off from your life. She behaved like a 20 yr old teenager. I see no maturity in her act.

 

Never lend your heart to a person so much that they can possess it and break it. Thoughts of her, even being courteous to her is never a right thing to do. And at that age, I can image how much of trauma is it you must have gone through wanting to raise a family.

 

It's good to raise a faithful animal that to have an a...le who behaves unpredictably and cruelly. My words are strong, but sometimes in life, you should deal with s***. What sort of partner is she, if she criticizes you instead of supporting you?

Snoring is the silliest thing ever to be considered by a wife, however chronic be it. Care comes from heart bro, it makes the opposite weak to see you like that.

 

In retrospect, think, why you need a woman? Of what purpose does she serve? I ask these questions a million times now, before I get close to any girl.

Edited March 26, 2013 by polyglot

[Flier]

If she dumped you by text, rather than talking with you, that is cold and would be a red flag to me that she has a problem herself. She took the easy way out, to her benefit. You deserve better IMO.

[RiceaRoni]

If she dumped you by text, rather than talking with you, that is cold and would be a red flag to me that she has a problem herself. She took the easy way out, to her benefit. You deserve better IMO.

 

To the OP, my ex did the same (of course he's a teenager like myself) but regardless it's seen as cowardly and it shows that she doesn't have the respect for you. Now you gotta bring some self respect to you and try and move on from this girl that did this to you...it was a selfish act on her part.

[Seachelle1]

Bindie,

I'm in the same situation. I have PTSD for the same reasons and was dumped because it was too much for him. He also dumped me by text.

 

I understand.

 

It isn't your fault. Whoever said that your ex probably has problems sounds exactly right. Emotionally healthy people do not treat loved ones in this way. They talk it through like adults.

 

I know my ex was also abused (I'm one of the few that knows) and in looking back I suspect that his cruelty and rage have to do with his own stuff, it is not about me. We triggered each other. I suspect he was dissociating when he broke up with me.

 

How she treats you is her responsibility, not yours. My therapist said this to me once about my ex-husband because I was making excuses for him beating me because I was sad.

 

"So? You're sad? He has other options in how to deal with the situation, other options to get out of an unhealthy situation."

 

She didn't beat you but she HURT you and she is responsible for that. You deserve honesty and candidness, face to face dialogue, not a text and letter. You know?

 

I made the mistake of not going to counseling right after I broke up and now I'm having flashbacks again every day. I don't know where you are in your healing process but maybe you can go back to counseling to help yourself with self-esteem? It has helped me sooooo much.

[Ordinaryday]

I'd prefer to be dumped by text than in person, actually. if they dump you and nothing you could say would change their mind, then I would prefer to get a text message so I could just ignore it and they would always wonder why I never responded. but when they do it in person THEY EXPECT A REACTION FROM YOU and they get an ego boost if you beg or plead or cry or whatever, and you often do if the dumping was unexpected, they caught you off guard.

 

and if they do it in person they can tell themselves "I am a GOOD person because I had enough respect for him to dump him the 'nice' way" - I SAY BULL*****. there is no 'nice' way to dump someone, and I would much prefer it to be done via text so I could just COMPLETELY IGNORE IT and give them absolutely NO RESPONSE which I imagine would bother them, at least slightly.

[Chris516]

I was with this particular girl for over a year and we were living together for abut the last 6 or 7 months, is what she said she wanted. I have PTSD from being abused in childhood (She knew all about this right from the start). Anyway just before christmass we got engaged had a great christmass, and after it we were discussing when the right time was t start a family. She's 40 I'm 44, through January i got pretty depressed and was having difficulty with returning Flashbacks and reliving etc. I had tried coming off my medication because she said it made me snore, and was affecting our sleep. End of January while at work one evening i got a text saying it was over and she'd packed my stuff into my car and was gone for a few days. I crashed completely moved back into my own place and tried to give her space, three weeks later i got a letter on face book. Saying again it was over for good and it was the depth of my emotional challenges that was the problem. I am totally heartbroken, i feel like i am paying again for being abused. It feels like my fault

 

She sounds like my (ex)wife.(we are just a year older than you)

 

Where you have PTSD from being abused as a child, I have two congenital health issues, and the brain surgeries I went through in early childhood, caused a third health problem. A year after my (ex)wife n' I physically separated, she told me that she had always wanted my health problems to "just go away". That is when I decided to divorce her. Even though she initiated the physical separation. Because her comment was both ignorant, and belligerent. While I saw her for our son's high school graduation last year. Before that, I had not seen her in ten years by my choice. Sure there were opportunities to see her during that ten-year period. But I chose not too.

 

So the woman you were with, is not worth the heartache.

[Emilia]

I was with this particular girl for over a year and we were living together for abut the last 6 or 7 months, is what she said she wanted. I have PTSD from being abused in childhood (She knew all about this right from the start). Anyway just before christmass we got engaged had a great christmass, and after it we were discussing when the right time was t start a family. She's 40 I'm 44, through January i got pretty depressed and was having difficulty with returning Flashbacks and reliving etc. I had tried coming off my medication because she said it made me snore, and was affecting our sleep. End of January while at work one evening i got a text saying it was over and she'd packed my stuff into my car and was gone for a few days. I crashed completely moved back into my own place and tried to give her space, three weeks later i got a letter on face book. Saying again it was over for good and it was the depth of my emotional challenges that was the problem. I am totally heartbroken, i feel like i am paying again for being abused. It feels like my fault

 

Hello Bindie,

 

May I ask how your depression manifested itself and what kind of arguments the two of you had?

[Bindie100]

Well to be completely honest i was abused by my mother. so i find quarrelling with women very difficult, it triggers me and all i want to do is run away. i would just need to go away and self soothe myself for a day or two the first couple of times i did it with intention of not going back but i knew how much i loved her and instead of running i stayed there and took it. it was terrifying but i knew i couldnt keep running away all the time . so in fairness to her and me we both tried hard as we could it just wasn't ment to be i guess .

[Emilia]

Well to be completely honest i was abused by my mother. so i find quarrelling with women very difficult, it triggers me and all i want to do is run away. i would just need to go away and self soothe myself for a day or two the first couple of times i did it with intention of not going back but i knew how much i loved her and instead of running i stayed there and took it. it was terrifying but i knew i couldnt keep running away all the time . so in fairness to her and me we both tried hard as we could it just wasn't ment to be i guess .

 

So would you say you went silent on her from time to time?

[todreaminblue]

I was with this particular girl for over a year and we were living together for abut the last 6 or 7 months, is what she said she wanted. I have PTSD from being abused in childhood (She knew all about this right from the start). Anyway just before christmass we got engaged had a great christmass, and after it we were discussing when the right time was t start a family. She's 40 I'm 44, through January i got pretty depressed and was having difficulty with returning Flashbacks and reliving etc. I had tried coming off my medication because she said it made me snore, and was affecting our sleep. End of January while at work one evening i got a text saying it was over and she'd packed my stuff into my car and was gone for a few days. I crashed completely moved back into my own place and tried to give her space, three weeks later i got a letter on face book. Saying again it was over for good and it was the depth of my emotional challenges that was the problem. I am totally heartbroken, i feel like i am paying again for being abused. It feels like my fault

 

 

peopel who havent suffered abuse simply cant understand the depth fo damage and are unable to deal with the after effects of that damage to you....rightly so, its not something anyone should have to deal with or be subjected to ....finding a partner who can relate is hard, i have had guys cry when i tell them,that makes me uncomfortable as i feel responsible for making them cry....the abuse gets to sting twice....i try to spin the abuse into a positive by saying ok this happened it is over, it was over years and years ago, it doesnt define who i am but i have been able to help people because of it,and while i was being abused some other fragiel child wasnt copping it.

 

better me than them because i am a stronger person and was a very strong child...guys dont normally like me saying that.....but its true......

 

you need a strong woman with inner core strength who tells it like it is, who doesnt play games and has a bit of intelligence to see the big picture and how worthwhile you are, someone who recognizes your strength and appreciates you for you in spite of the abuse.......i wish you well fellow survivor......you will find someone......someone who wont desert you and leave when crap gets rough.......all relationships have rough periods.....you can recognize for you when a rough period might happen.....you have skills friend...someone will appreciate them..................god bless.hugs..deb

[Bindie100]

hi, 4ilent? sometimes. _er expression was "'ike a rabbit in the headlights" and like people have said you have to go through trauma to nderstand it. My fear started agedd 11, i found a puppy abandoned in a plastic bag on the way home from school, he was maybe a day old!. : put him in my pocket and brought him home kept him in a cardboard box @ the end of my bed. used feed him on a syringe @ night and the little guy lived. i called him squealer. one sunday about six months later we were all mucking about @ home and my friend Billy ran out the door across the lawn and road squealer chased him and was hit by a car and killed. i of course blamed Billy, i stood there screaming. Good friday of that year i saw Billy @ the shop before church, he said wait here i'll be back in ten minutes. he went down the road and was killed off his bike, i had to go and see him in his coffin, he had a big gash in his forehead. later that same year i ended up in hospital, stress, i told a nurse what was happening @ home and when my !other came in she was accused, she grabbed me and ran. later that day the police turned up @ our hse. in the evening she took me to see the local sargent to say i made it up. he gave out to me and we left. on the way home she stopped the car grabbed my face and pinned me against the window. she told me if i ever opened my mouth again she'd kill me. All i could see was Billy and thought same would happen to me. So thats where it comes from my fear my terror. cause a quarrell is unplanned it just happens and itsa the sudden shock of being accused or in your mind blamed that sends you instantly back to that same feeling of terror. irrational fear, thats what it leaves you with. Fear irrational fear. we have more than fight and flight we have fight flight freeze. hope that explains

[Emilia]

hi, 4ilent? sometimes. _er expression was "'ike a rabbit in the headlights" and like people have said you have to go through trauma to nderstand it. [...] Fear irrational fear. we have more than fight and flight we have fight flight freeze. hope that explains

 

You don't need to explain to me why you have PTSD I believe you and I know it's not your fault.

 

What I am trying to find out is how you handled your conflicts in the relationship.

[Bindie100]

sorry i wasnt trying to explain ptsd i was trying to explain human reaction and why. sometimes maybe you need to look behind the silence or the anger or how ever someone expresses themself for the true cause. most human emotion stems from fear.ignore what you see and get to the root cause then you can help fix it.

[Emilia]

sorry i wasnt trying to explain ptsd i was trying to explain human reaction and why. sometimes maybe you need to look behind the silence or the anger or how ever someone expresses themself for the true cause. most human emotion stems from fear.ignore what you see and get to the root cause then you can help fix it.

 

You still haven't answered my question. You don't have to, this is your thread and maybe you don't want to talk about the circumstances but if you don't mind my questions: how did the two of you resolve your conflicts? What did you do specifically when a conflict arose for whatever reason?

[Bindie100]

i suppose the mere fact i am here talking about it may point to saying, we never did resolve the conflicts. talking is the only way to resolve anything, unfortunately in most circumstances especially during conflict peoples ears are deaf. how often have any of us thought afterwards i shouldnt have said that or i see her point.

 

im trying to be open here and utterly honest, if you have conflict in your relationship i suggest looking for the root cause, find that and you can make change, dont find it and the cycle will continue untill one or other gives up.

 

silence is a cry for help anger is usually fuelled by fear. if you want to change it talk,and talk and listen. if someone is brave enough to tell be equally brave enough to listen to what they are saying. ultimately in my case we lost our voices and paid with heartache.

[Emilia]

i suppose the mere fact i am here talking about it may point to saying, we never did resolve the conflicts. talking is the only way to resolve anything, unfortunately in most circumstances especially during conflict peoples ears are deaf. how often have any of us thought afterwards i shouldnt have said that or i see her point.

 

im trying to be open here and utterly honest, if you have conflict in your relationship i suggest looking for the root cause, find that and you can make change, dont find it and the cycle will continue untill one or other gives up.

 

silence is a cry for help anger is usually fuelled by fear. if you want to change it talk,and talk and listen. if someone is brave enough to tell be equally brave enough to listen to what they are saying. ultimately in my case we lost our voices and paid with heartache.

 

This thread isn't about me, it's about you.

 

What I am gathering so far is that you withdrew and got silent when you had conflicts with your ex-girlfriend rather than talk things through. I think you are saying that because you battle with PTSD your fears make you put walls up, you also mentioned in a previous post that you stopped taking your medication.

 

I think perhaps the best thing would be to go back to see your therapist/doctor and seek help again. It will be very difficult to find a stable relationship otherwise I think. She clearly felt she wasn't equipped with dealing your depression and the fear issues that resurfaced.

[Bindie100]

Hi, that was exactly what i did. and no i never put up walls or barriers. the opposite was the problem, my partner found it very difficult to actually accept what i had been through. depression is a temporary thing but it is frightening to everyone around. the unfortunate reality of depression is the sufferer is the last one to see it.

 

my partner couldnt hear about what happened in my life, and her inability to listen and understand also affect our ability to cope and communicate on a sensible level.

 

life as a survivor is hard and makes relationships very difficult but in surviving you are given an ability to grow also. to engage in a deeper understanding of human emotion. unfortunately in my case it wasnt ment to be.

[Emilia]

depression is a temporary thing but it is frightening to everyone around.

 

What do you mean by frightening?

[Bindie100]

frightening in the sense that for the sufferer you can quite honestly get to a point that you can rationally convince yourself taking your own life would be a sensible way forward. frightening for those around you because they see the loveable friendly productive person who has slowly sunk into the mire of depression. it is a debilitating illness, but an invisable one and sometimes before anyone has really gotten to the point of recognising it, the damage emotionaly financially physically is already done. so yeah its frightening.

 

also i have had and continue to have counselling. currently doing Emdr therapy, which seems positive.

[Emilia]

also i have had and continue to have counselling. currently doing Emdr therapy, which seems positive.

 

Very pleased to hear it. I think the positivity will have an affect on your relationships too.

[Bindie100]

positivity is something never lacking in any survivor of traumatic abuse. the unfortunate side is that even today the world in general have no idea what to do for people after wards so you end up stigmatised by fear of rejection for something that was never and could never be your fault.

[Emilia]

positivity is something never lacking in any survivor of traumatic abuse. the unfortunate side is that even today the world in general have no idea what to do for people after wards so you end up stigmatised by fear of rejection for something that was never and could never be your fault.

 

I know some traumatised people and they are pretty negative. I'd consider suicidal feelings negative. Don't you think that sometimes traumatised people handle relationships or social interactions with closed ones differently from how non-traumatised people handle them?

[Bindie100]

i wouldnt disagree that some survivors of trauma look at the world in a negative light. perhaps though itsmaybe worth remembering why, nobody ever ever asks to be traumatised. the unfortunate reality of what that trauma has done is it has caused a massive emotional wound. the wound heals but the scar remains forever.

 

understanding the psycological impact trauma has on people is key to finding better treatments for trauma survivors. by survivors i mean everyone who has been effected by a traumatic experience, positivity at times is all we have to keep us going on the truly black days. im surew there are men and women out there today who have suffered unimaginable horrors and just to live day to day is a hugely positive thing.i would say i know a fair amount of non traumatised people who are pretty negative players too