spooky48 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Hi, I'm writing this with an open heart & mind. I am seeking real, brutually honest advice. I will adhere to it & listen (as well as read it here). I am just finding myself now at the end of my rope & I want to do the "right" things. I ask as a new friend, if you'd keep an open mind & tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong & I can try then, to correct this. Here goes nothing: Since 2004 (YES, you read that right, 2004): 1) I have paid for Match.com, Eharmony.com, Catholicmatch.com & Christian mingle now, 3 times each too, for 3 times of separate subscriptions. I remained on those for more than a year each so, that's 3 years on each of those sites. So, in turn, I am NOT a rich woman so, working OT for these payments of these sites & yet, having no real connections or experiences is disheartening. 2) I am on several non-paid sites presently. I have active accounts yet, nothing is happening. 3) I am actively involved with 55 meetup.com groups & have attended numerous events yet, nothing is happening. 4) I am semi-active in my church, yet, we have no "real" singles group, just volunteers for charitable events. I am NO saint nor martyr though. 5) I have volunteered in my community on a crisis hotline, flower sale and at a hospital's burn unit yet, nothing is happening. 6) I go out every, yes every weekend to see a band or a comedy show. I go with my married friends b/c I do NOT have ANY single friends. NOT one so, I have to drag my married ones with me. We "separate" so it looks like I'm out with the girls for a girls night out but, I am NEVER approached or asked out. 7) I am actively on Facebook (stupid me thinking I'd meet a man on there yet, people have met someone, think & read about it) & several band forums. I'm talking more than 10 too. I post a couple of times a week, just friendly chatter or corresponding to a thread's topic. "Keeping myself out there" so to speak. 8) I used to go to clubs, bars and the shore but, that got really, really old. I retired my hat for that immaturity. 9) I've had speedating sessions and I even was on "specific" websites catering to what I exactly would like yet, nothing is happening. 10) Finally, I actually closed my accounts, took a major break for almost a year & prayed about it, surrending it all up to God (my beliefs) thinking, a fresh approach would happen. It didn't. 11) I had hired 3 life coaches, to find out what is "wrong" with me including my body-language & facial expressions. All 3 of them said I should just be myself, as I am. Yet, nothing is happening. 12) I have fluctuated in weight, changed my entire wardrobe & even cut & styled my hair to be more "attractive" & "appealing". I even had a botched facial surgery done to make my face more appealing & feminine looking too but, I am still single. Ok...so, after reading & evaluating all of this, I am at my wits end. I am an old-spinster this year. It's a big b-day for me in a few months & I just don't know what more I can do. Everyone in my life, family, colleagues & friends all tell me to work very, very hard & keep putting myself out there. How much more can I do & be though? I feel like I am a media whore, I HATE attention or anything related to it or immaturity. Yet, EVERYONE keeps telling me the more I keep going out & putting myself "out there" I will be then, seen & asked out. Yet, when I go out every weekend (both Saturday & Sundays), I still am not approached. That's why I hired those life coaches. I would like to friendly outright ask then, what am I doing wrong? What can I change more? I am NOT whining or complaining either about this, to clarify. I just don't know what more I can do & what are other options? Is there anyone here who's been as single as long as I have & never married w/ no children? Please, help... thank you, e.
clia Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 How old are you? How many first dates have you had in the past year? 1) I have paid for Match.com, Eharmony.com, Catholicmatch.com & Christian mingle now, 3 times each too, for 3 times of separate subscriptions. I remained on those for more than a year each so, that's 3 years on each of those sites. So, in turn, I am NOT a rich woman so, working OT for these payments of these sites & yet, having no real connections or experiences is disheartening. How many responses did you get? How many first dates did you get via online dating? (ballpark) How many of those translated to a second date? 3) I am actively involved with 55 meetup.com groups & have attended numerous events yet, nothing is happening. How do you have time to be active with 55 groups? That seems really excessive. Maybe just focus on 4-5 groups that interest you and attend their events more regularly. Are you in groups focused on your age? What types of events are you attending? Are you socializing and talking to people at those events? I find it really, really strange that you haven't even met any new single girl friends if you are attending that many events and are that active. I've met a ton of single girl friends via Meetup who are around my age (38). 6) I go out every, yes every weekend to see a band or a comedy show. I go with my married friends b/c I do NOT have ANY single friends. NOT one so, I have to drag my married ones with me. We "separate" so it looks like I'm out with the girls for a girls night out but, I am NEVER approached or asked out. Comedy shows and bands aren't good places to meet people, because no one is there to talk and mingle. They are there to watch a show. 11) I had hired 3 life coaches, to find out what is "wrong" with me including my body-language & facial expressions. All 3 of them said I should just be myself, as I am. Yet, nothing is happening. What did they say about your body language? What did they say about your aura and how you present yourself? 12) I have fluctuated in weight, changed my entire wardrobe & even cut & styled my hair to be more "attractive" & "appealing". I even had a botched facial surgery done to make my face more appealing & feminine looking too but, I am still single. What do you look like now? How do you dress? Are you in shape? Looks are incredibly important to men. Are you feminine, fun, and flirty or dour and serious? Do you smile at the room when you go out? What do you mean "botched facial surgery"? 2
jcrew11 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 try short-term dating and sleeping around. It might relax your personality more. A lot of marriages start by one night flings.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 The brutal honest truth spooky is that you're a hot mess. You've done way too much to focus on finding a significant other. It's not working for you, it doesn't work for most people. You have to really be able to love and accept yourself...you cannot become somebody else than who you are and you have to accept that fact...even if it means your biggest fear, not finding someone...which is happening anyway, so why are you continuing to try and throw yourself out there so much and retain this addictive behavior in finding someone? You sound extremely insecure and desperate to be in a relationship, and you need to change that mindset and psychology within yourself. It's not going to be an attractive quality for men to feel, you have to be confident in yourself and love yourself, others will gravitate towards you as a person the more you give yourself. And if doesn't lead to "romance" at least you'll be happier and you won't be trying to make someone else happy because it's not worth the sacrifice. Losing weight can be a big factor but will only increase your chances of being more attractive, honestly everything else you're describing is more of an worry than your face or even your body. You sound like you're absolutely obsessed with validation and finding a man, which is anti-man repellent. Even if you are overweight and not particular beautiful, there are still plenty of these women that find relationships, you just gotta make sure your expectations are realistic and you might have to do the pursuing and showing interest to men more than miss universe who cake take a crap on the floor and still be flooded by tons of men. You need to really see a counselor and therapist, you need to work on some of these deep rooted validation and self-esteem issues before you destroy yourself trying to be something you are not. You seem like the type of person that wants these quick-fixes, automatic simple solutions that change your whole life with one easy thing, or you do a lot of wrong things thinking you're actually doing it right....you've got to work on yourself, you're changing the exterior but not what's under the surface of yourself. We can't tell you on this forum all of your problems and solutions, you're going to need to see someone in real life about that. You need to also better your life and go to school or advance yourself, if you're working overtime to play for OLD sites, then you're investing your time and energy into the wrong thing. You can't just expect things to just work out like you want them to, you're going to have to take it step by step, working on yourself, advancing your life and get out of your town or travel, you need to learn to experience life in ways that are healthy for you....right now you just sound like this never ending whirlwind and spiral of repetitive behavior and expecting different results...you're just going to wallow like this for the rest of your life if you don't snap yourself out of it, or get someone who can help you do that...but you seem possessed into wanting to do it your own way....maybe you need an exorcist. So take the advise. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Out of curiosity, what have you done with all the advice you got in your other threads? 1
outsidethebox Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I only had to go back three spooky threads to see a ton of great advice given to you last month. The one odd thing I noticed is you listed a couple of different sites but exact same wording of paid sites three years yada yada. But the details changed from Lava Life last month to Christian Mingles this month and so on. I just find that very odd. The weight thing is beyond belief. If you're that distraught over no man approaching you for years and years and you know you are fairly overweight and know it's a problem, how can you not jump around to some of the music you love and eat less filling foods. Instead of sticking something in your hand to put in your mouth jump up and down and bounce around and think about how sexy you look. How hard is that? Don't worry about going anywhere hunting guys until you feel good about yourself. You could do that in several weeks. If your knees / joints are bad (usually are for heavy inactive people) then you'll need to be more creative about rolling around / getting up and down off the floor, maybe bounce around on a mattress, but get moving and stay moving instead of snacking. And only one portion of the food at three meals. All that bouncing and rolling around will be practice for when you get your guy.
FitChick Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Physical appearance is very important, especially if you are middle-aged. How botched was your face? Are you disfigured? Is your Facebook page the one with you wearing sunglasses on your head, with a chin length blondish bob? If yes, you need to lose weight. Your face looks fine in that shot. Your features look even. Maybe get a lesson in how to wear makeup. Of course, that may not be you! Edited March 27, 2013 by FitChick
Author spooky48 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Physical appearance is very important, especially if you are middle-aged. How botched was your face? Are you disfigured? Is your Facebook page the one with you wearing sunglasses on your head, with a chin length blondish bob? If yes, you need to lose weight. Your face looks fine in that shot. Your features look even. Maybe get a lesson in how to wear makeup. Of course, that may not be you! Yes, that's me but, according to my PC, I'm NOT obese. I am just heavy. I am on a diet & I walk daily.
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