thefooloftheyear Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Question.. It seems like as you read the stories of EMA'a they all seem to share a common thread. For many it seems as though all common sense goes out the door and the participants wind up doing things that really mimc true addictive behavior. I have a close family member who is a life long drug addict. The things she does sound eerily familiar with the behavior of affair partners. Really makes you wonder...Is it when breakups or D days happen, its more painful and harder to recover because the dynamics of the affair then what would normally occur during a conventional relationship?? I do notice that some that post in the breakup section really are having a hard time.as well, so maybe its just the nature of the particpants. Anyone care to add any insight? And well wishes to all that are suffering....Hang in there.. TFOY 1
Silver_Lining Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I agree with ladyGrey in all respects adding that an EMA unlike drugs for instance have an additional dynamic that adds in a very profound and intense way a difference... and that difference is the actual other person whomever that is that is involved with you in the A. Highs, lows, in-betweens and whatever accompanies the relationship... whereas a drug you know what you are getting and what can typically be expected from the experience. An A however is fluid and so dynamic in nature... fleeting moments of passion, time between which may or may not be entirely out of your control, the yearning, the wondering, the all of what occupies the mind throughout... so very much time and energy is being expended to either keep it alive, wonder if it is alive, where emotions of the heart are and everything between. Just my thoughts 3
Author thefooloftheyear Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 One of the reasons why I brought this up is that while reading some of the stories here about how affairs go on for many years, end and restart, and in many cases the AP really may not be truly compatible, but while the A is on "everything is perfect".. Its almost as though one loses ones identity. I dont see this happening in conventional relationships, but??? TFOY
Poppy fields Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 One of the reasons why I brought this up is that while reading some of the stories here about how affairs go on for many years, end and restart, and in many cases the AP really may not be truly compatible, but while the A is on "everything is perfect".. Its almost as though one loses ones identity. I dont see this happening in conventional relationships, but??? TFOY You don't see people lose their identities in conventional relationships? Really? Surely you jest. 3
secretlady76 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Oh yes, I totally agree with this statement. It's a gradual process; one message a week, a day, several times a day, before you know it you're in contact for several hours a day, you meet occassionally, then it's more regularly.....it never seems to be enough, you want more and more and more. There never seems to be the satisfaction. For me, we were both married, with children. Massive risks, but at the time, even though we talked about the worries and the risks and concerns a lot, it never seemed to be enough to stop us from seeking out the highs. Feelings became involved, it was intense. When it all came crashing down I seriously thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I had a marriage to fix after DDay but I could only think of MM and our lost relationship. I sobbed for my lost friend, not for my marriage or impact on anyone else. By far the worst feeling I have ever had. Still getting over it now...and still would give anything for 5 minutes with him, God dam it. 2
psm04 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I've never gone through any kind of substance addiction, but when I compare breakups I had with actual boyfriends vs ending the A with the xOMM, I think that the latter is worse. When you decide to end a conventional relationship/marriage, you are aware of the good and the bad things, and most of the time, you have legitimate reasons for ending things. But in most As, the reason for ending is not because the APs want to, but that they have to, for whatever reason. At least in my case, that's what happened. There were not going to be any changes in our situations, so I just couldn't continue anymore. And the worst part about it is that I also lost someone I could confide anything to. I'm friends with exes with no issues, but I could never be friends with my xOMM. There wasn't a closure, or anything bad between us. So as to the original question, IMO, it is definitely harder when ending an A vs a regular relationship. And yes, as the A progressed, we were definitely taking risks that were not typical of either one of our behaviors. So I guess in that way, we were addicted to each other as well.. 1
Author thefooloftheyear Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 When it all came crashing down I seriously thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I had a marriage to fix after DDay but I could only think of MM and our lost relationship. I sobbed for my lost friend, not for my marriage or impact on anyone else. By far the worst feeling I have ever had. Still getting over it now...and still would give anything for 5 minutes with him, God dam it. Its almost as if one no longer cares about anything but the A and the AP... Yes, I know this can also happen in conventional relationships it just seems more intense... You bring up a valid point. It just "ends" with no real closure. That leaves all to wonder "what if"??? TFOY
jlola Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Its almost as if one no longer cares about anything but the A and the AP... Yes, I know this can also happen in conventional relationships it just seems more intense... You bring up a valid point. It just "ends" with no real closure. That leaves all to wonder "what if"??? TFOY I find it interesting while people usually have to kiss many frogs before finding a prince/princess to marry. They only have to kiss first affair person and they meet and become "soulmates". Also, so many single men and women who can actively date available people seem to find the perfect person in someone who is married. Why? Can it be a part of them likes the fantasy more than a real life relationship? Why is it they have found fault with all other single/available person, but married person is the "perfect one". Are they even emotionally available to a full time relationship with an available person? 8
Scarlett5 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I have never been addicted to anything else but it certainly feels that way. Constantly craving the feeling you get from being with them or speaking to them, and constantly thinking about your next 'fix' on the days you're not in contact. It affects concentration and you can even become withdrawn from other things going on in your life. Total highs and lows. NC resembles cold turkey and feels horrendous. It takes a hell of a lot of willpower to beat the 'addiction' - either that or you have been completely destroyed and left feeling exhausted and like you have nothing left to give. Scary. 3
Author thefooloftheyear Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I find it interesting while people usually have to kiss many frogs before finding a prince/princess to marry. They only have to kiss first affair person and they meet and become "soulmates". Also, so many single men and women who can actively date available people seem to find the perfect person in someone who is married. Why? Can it be a part of them likes the fantasy more than a real life relationship? Why is it they have found fault with all other single/available person, but married person is the "perfect one". Are they even emotionally available to a full time relationship with an available person? Good point... I guess its just another dynamic of the whole thing. I read someone else's post a while back about this and what they said made some sense. The affair partner gives more emotionally than the single one would because the single one is always juggling potential options where the MM/MW will dedicate all their interest in the AP..I suppose that does make some sense. TFOY
secretlady76 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 There is the heady element of never quite having them to yourself; wanting what you can't have or put another way; yearning after the unobtainable. And of course, in comparison to what you have at home, which is on a plate and mixed with daily hum-drum of jobs, bills, shopping, cleaning, family issues etc, the A is bound to be MUCH more attractive given the choice, but then again, one isn't comparing apples with apples. Still doesn't make it any easier to get over, especially, as you say, you're made to stop it....not out of choice.
who_am_i Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 One of the reasons why I brought this up is that while reading some of the stories here about how affairs go on for many years, end and restart, and in many cases the AP really may not be truly compatible, but while the A is on "everything is perfect".. This is without a doubt the case for me. There are things about xMM that made me crazy...but, I still miss the crap out of him. I just can't explain it.
Lillyfree Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I have never been addicted to anything else but it certainly feels that way. Constantly craving the feeling you get from being with them or speaking to them, and constantly thinking about your next 'fix' on the days you're not in contact. It affects concentration and you can even become withdrawn from other things going on in your life. Total highs and lows. NC resembles cold turkey and feels horrendous. It takes a hell of a lot of willpower to beat the 'addiction' - either that or you have been completely destroyed and left feeling exhausted and like you have nothing left to give. Scary. same here - i wouldn't know firsthand what an addiction is like (well, apart from nicotine, but that was easier to give up than OM). i'd like to add that i became a different person during the A. i was weak, doubted myself, my self-esteem plumeted. i was moody and unable to concentrate. this all came about later, in the beginning it was great - and i guess that would be what hard drug addicts go through... feels great when you start using, then the addiction gets too strong and becomes a burden, not a joy. 1
MissBee Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) I find it interesting while people usually have to kiss many frogs before finding a prince/princess to marry. They only have to kiss first affair person and they meet and become "soulmates". Also, so many single men and women who can actively date available people seem to find the perfect person in someone who is married. Why? Can it be a part of them likes the fantasy more than a real life relationship? Why is it they have found fault with all other single/available person, but married person is the "perfect one". Are they even emotionally available to a full time relationship with an available person? I always thought this interesting as well and dealing with my own issues of commitment, I realized I subconsciously ought emotionally unavailable or for real unavailable people for relationships and they were always the ones whom I felt were a good match and so great and wonderful, "EXCEPT...". Then the relationship became idealized but of course there are obstacles because hello, they are unavailable, but instead of seeing all that, at the time I felt I was "soooo unfortunate" that all the "perfect" people were taken or we couldn't work out. I didn't see how it was a self-sabotaging dynamic but rather thought my stars weren't aligning. It has always interested me that a lot of APs gush about how their affair partner is their twin soul, soulmate, etc. and they both (or one of them) married the "wrong person" etc. And I'm like wow..what are the chances that so many people meet their "soulmate" when married to another or their soulmate is married to someone else when they're single. It doesn't make sense. Yes, I am certain for some it might be the case...but for most, I do think the affair situation and unavailable nature does hype things up and creates an idealization and fantasy of soulmateship versus it being that most affairs in fact do happen between soulmates. Edited March 27, 2013 by MissBee 6
Act Two Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I have never been addicted to anything else but it certainly feels that way. Constantly craving the feeling you get from being with them or speaking to them, and constantly thinking about your next 'fix' on the days you're not in contact. It affects concentration and you can even become withdrawn from other things going on in your life. Total highs and lows. NC resembles cold turkey and feels horrendous. It takes a hell of a lot of willpower to beat the 'addiction' - either that or you have been completely destroyed and left feeling exhausted and like you have nothing left to give. Scary. I identify with this quite a bit. I felt very much like I was addicted to drugs, or I imagine that's what it would feel like. The highs would be high, and then there was withdrawal and craving contact with exOM. I wouldn't have ever said we were "soulmates" as I am more realistic than that, but I was totally addicted to him and I know he felt the same. Any contact with him was like a hit; in my mind I would register some idea of how destructive it was for everyone but not having the hit felt so awful. There were MANY attempts to end but we always would start it up again, until this: or you have been completely destroyed and left feeling exhausted and like you have nothing left to give. Scary. We hit rock bottom with a lot of people in our wake of destruction and it destroyed us too. 1
cocorico Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I find it interesting while people usually have to kiss many frogs before finding a prince/princess to marry. They only have to kiss first affair person and they meet and become "soulmates". Really? You've never met anyone who has had an A without being "soul mates"? Also, so many single men and women who can actively date available people seem to find the perfect person in someone who is married. Why? Can it be a part of them likes the fantasy more than a real life relationship? Why is it they have found fault with all other single/available person, but married person is the "perfect one". Are they even emotionally available to a full time relationship with an available person? I found "the perfect person" (for me) in someone who was M. It had nothing to do with fantasy and everything to do with who he is. The inconvenience of his vestigial R was just that - a minor inconvenience to be worked through. So,e times it really is just that simple.
cocorico Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Not according to your recent posts. But, I guess you are referring to the fact that his marriage was truly over. I meant, it was an inconvenience, not a "part of the fantasy", and it was minor, in that it was something we could and did resolve. His xW remains an inconvenience, but that is not the topic of this thread. FTR, I don't consider As to be an addiction. I'm too much of a control freak to allow anything to hold that kind of sway over me, anyway. But the R was always icing on the cake, it was nice to have but I knew perfectly well I could survive happily without it. My life before him was great, my life with him is even better, but I never felt during the A or since that if it ended badly my life would implode. Serotonin and phenylethylamide are nice to have, admittedly, but you can get them from chocolate as well as from love, and TBH if the R had strayed into costs outweighing benefits territory, I'd have dropped him for a bar of Maya Gold in a heartbeat!
carhill Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 As human sexual and emotional bonding is one of the most pervasive 'addictive' behaviors extant, simply from the brain chemistry involved in pair bonding, it follows that, for some people, EMA's/affairs/infidelity *can* be 'addictive' if performed repeatedly and in spite of negative consequences, throughout life. I refer back to a statement our psychologist made in MC: "If a behavior or action consistently inhibits the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny" If I had to identify a personal 'addiction', it would be the addiction to human intimacy (nothing regarding sex). Emotional intimacy and bonding is quite stimulating for myself. MC helped me to process it and manage it better and to just say 'no' to women who were/are otherwise unavailable for such intimacy or with whom such intimacy is inappropriate. It's kind of like an alcoholic saying 'no' to a drink today. Everyone has their own boundaries in such matters. For some, it's a non-issue. For others, a life-altering one. We each have choices. 3
LFH Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 One of the reasons why I brought this up is that while reading some of the stories here about how affairs go on for many years, end and restart, and in many cases the AP really may not be truly compatible, but while the A is on "everything is perfect".. Its almost as though one loses ones identity. I dont see this happening in conventional relationships, but??? TFOY I see it in lots of conventional relationships as well. I'm not discoutning that it is a similiar thread in many of the stories seen here. I don't know WHY that is, but it does seem to happen a lot. I find it interesting while people usually have to kiss many frogs before finding a prince/princess to marry. They only have to kiss first affair person and they meet and become "soulmates". Also, so many single men and women who can actively date available people seem to find the perfect person in someone who is married. Why? Can it be a part of them likes the fantasy more than a real life relationship? Why is it they have found fault with all other single/available person, but married person is the "perfect one". Are they even emotionally available to a full time relationship with an available person? I don't know that many that actually refer or think of their AP as their soulmate. I know some do, but I also know many that are well grounded relationships based out of mutual liking, compatability and friendship. I doubt that most are kissing an ap and seeing stars. It has always interested me that a lot of APs gush about how their affair partner is their twin soul, soulmate, etc. and they both (or one of them) married the "wrong person" etc. And I'm like wow..what are the chances that so many people meet their "soulmate" when married to another or their soulmate is married to someone else when they're single. It doesn't make sense. Yes, I am certain for some it might be the case...but for most, I do think the affair situation and unavailable nature does hype things up and creates an idealization and fantasy of soulmateship versus it being that most affairs in fact do happen between soulmates. I don't believe in the whole "soulmate" thing, but I do think.. that in some cases people are compatible simply because they wouldn't be willing to take the risks if they weren't. Why would you risk everything for someone who there wasn't "something" there with. (not to say all relationships are like that... but it's a valid perspective as well) 1
cocorico Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I don't believe in the whole "soulmate" thing, but I do think.. that in some cases people are compatible simply because they wouldn't be willing to take the risks if they weren't. Why would you risk everything for someone who there wasn't "something" there with. (not to say all relationships are like that... but it's a valid perspective as well) I think it's more likely that true compatibility can emerge in such a situation. Elsewhere in another thread someone described dating as recruitment, and I think there is a lot of truth in that, with people trying to impress each other and convince the other that they are the right one for the job. In an A, there is no "job" to convince someone you're right for, so no need to twist yourself into a pretzel to impress. You can just be yourself in a low-stakes situation and if the comparability leaps out at you you can recognise it and decide whether to do something about it or not. I think As are far too reality-grounded to generate the kind of fantasy bubble that a true romance addict would go for.
eleanorrigby Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I don't believe in the whole "soulmate" thing, but I do think.. that in some cases people are compatible simply because they wouldn't be willing to take the risks if they weren't. Why would you risk everything for someone who there wasn't "something" there with. (not to say all relationships are like that... but it's a valid perspective as well) It happens. My husband risked it all the day he met her and exchanged numbers. He couldn't possibly have been in love that day or thought she was the one for him. He just saw an attractive person who was open to his advances even though he was married. 3
LFH Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 It happens. My husband risked it all the day he met her and exchanged numbers. He couldn't possibly have been in love that day or thought she was the one for him. He just saw an attractive person who was open to his advances even though he was married. Oh I'm not denying it happens, but I also think that when that does, you rarely hear them claiming that there is a "soul mate" situation.
eleanorrigby Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Oh I'm not denying it happens, but I also think that when that does, you rarely hear them claiming that there is a "soul mate" situation. They did tho, they thought they had both found THE ONE.
LFH Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 They did tho, they thought they had both found THE ONE. Hmmm... see, to me, that's weird.
eleanorrigby Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Hmmm... see, to me, that's weird. lol and to me it seems par for the course for many affairs. 3
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