Emmii Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Me and my hook up had the chat and decided to go our separate ways as he was confused about how he felt and asked me what I wanted and how I felt but didn't let me answer it. A few days after we bumped into each other as we have the same circle of friends. It was very awkward. We both were civil to each and asked each other the normal greeting questions. But he tries to carry on with the conversation by going into details but I wasn't interested. I just smiled and carried on with what I was doing. I saw him a week later and again he wanted to go into a conversation where as I'm just being polite but I don't want to know why he is tired and why his friend let him down cuz he wanted to go to the gym. I was sitting down and walked over and was talking about something but I couldn't hear him as we were at a bar. He came over and tickled me knowing I'm very ticklish. I told him to stop and laughed and walked away. After a few minutes he came over again and caressed the back off my neck. He knows that it's a hot spot for me. At the end of the night we were all walking back to our cars and he was parked next to me. He started play fighting with me. I said you'd punch me and he said laughingly yes so I went to my car and stuck a finger up and smiled. I'm Confused by him. Why does he feel the need to touch me when he called it a day? His flirting with me like nothing's happen. Where as I'm being civil to him and don't wanna play games. He never explained why he we had the talk as I never questioned what we were doing as I knew what it was. His behaving like nothing's happen. Is it wrong for me to feel his over stepping the mark?
Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Its wrong for you to avoid establishing your boundaries with him, as youre letting him do all these things. If you want to stop him from talking to you and touching you, you need to SAY something. You pull his hands away from you and say "Hey, you broke it off, you cant keep flirting like nothing happened, get off me." If he broke it off and wants to see that he can still get you as a hookup, then he will do this to continue to test the waters until you STOP him. So if you want to stop wondering, figure out what you want, and what he wants, and fix the situation, with an adult conversation.
Author Emmii Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thank you Eddie. I'm not dealing with a person whom you could go and sit and have a conversation with. when he broke it off with me that was confusing as he didnt know how he felt. he just kept saying he was confused and that he didnt wanna hurt me. As to him touching me I told him to stop touching me when he started play fighting with me. As it would lead into something more.The fact I'm not being my usual self would be a tell tale sign. I don't know how to approach him and talk to him as he never serious. I told a mutual friend to tell him to stay away from me as I don't see the point in talking anymore. But be civil to each other if we did bump into each other.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 The fact I'm not being my usual self would be a tell tale sign. Hinting it, or doing that passive aggressively isnt going to work. He knows the tell tale signs and is bypsassing them deliberately. Until you push him off you with some kind of anger, he will keep doing it. You cant be friends or civil at this point, you have to write that off until more time passes, or he admits that he will stop.
pcplod Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 If you feel he is over-stepping the mark, then he is simply over-stepping the mark whether he is aware of it or not. I could suggest that you might look at things differently but I don't think there is any point in that because it won't change the way you feel. This is not something that you can readily rationalise. The fact is, that he has a different concept of post-relationship friendship than you that does not exclude trivial practical physical contact. And he thinks that he knows you better than most friends because of your past intimate involvement. But he doesn't. I feel all you can do is to calmly and gently but unambiguously make it clear what your feelings are, where you are coming from and where you want to go. Keep it obvious and keep it simple.
Author Emmii Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 "If you feel he is over-stepping the mark, then he is simply over-stepping the mark whether he is aware of it or not. I could suggest that you might look at things differently but I don't think there is any point in that because it won't change the way you feel. This is not something that you can readily rationalise." pcplod I'm open to looking at it from a different angle. What is it that you suggest? To be honest I really am confused by his actions.
Author Emmii Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Eddie wouldn't that come across as having sour grapes. No one knows that we use to hook up. I'm worried it could turn nasty.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Eddie wouldn't that come across as having sour grapes. No one knows that we use to hook up. I'm worried it could turn nasty. He might be depending on that to keep doing what he wants to you. You cant worry about how you look to everyone else, at some point, you are going to have to have a confrontation about it. Its just about how long you want to suffer until you do it. Plus, if people around you believe his story over your story (in case he lies about the sour grapes) then you dont want to hang with those people anyway. 2
sweetheart5381 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Eddie wouldn't that come across as having sour grapes. No one knows that we use to hook up. I'm worried it could turn nasty. Emmii, how do you really feel about him and the situation? Do you still wanna hook up, just wanna be platonic friends or do you maybe not know what you feel right now? It doesn't sound to me as though it could get nasty. Sounds to me that he is testing the water... his intentions are unknown to anyone but him so it really is up to you to use your gut and decide the best course of action. Patience is a virtue and ride it out... just don't ever, ever let your personal boundaries be violated. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 He might be depending on that to keep doing what he wants to you. You cant worry about how you look to everyone else, at some point, you are going to have to have a confrontation about it. Its just about how long you want to suffer until you do it. Plus, if people around you believe his story over your story (in case he lies about the sour grapes) then you dont want to hang with those people anyway. Well said!
Author Emmii Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 He might be depending on that to keep doing what he wants to you. You cant worry about how you look to everyone else, at some point, you are going to have to have a confrontation about it. Its just about how long you want to suffer until you do it. Plus, if people around you believe his story over your story (in case he lies about the sour grapes) then you dont want to hang with those people anyway. Eddie thank you so much!! For the last few days I've been feeling like I'm in the wrong for the way I feel. I will now confront him as he does owe me an explanation and also he really needs to stop behaving like nothing's happened! Eddie could help me get my head around the last conversation we had. He asked me what I wanted? How I felt? When I said I wanted a relationship with the perks but not with him. He turned around and said to me well what are we? I just smiled and didn't say a word. He then kept asking how my family would react if I took him home. These are so confusing to me that then he said I don't want a relationship but still wanted me to come over.I don't understand why he felt the need to talk about it? Then he said I don't wanna hurt you as I care for you and called it off. Confused? Now this doing all this.
Author Emmii Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Emmii, how do you really feel about him and the situation? Do you still wanna hook up, just wanna be platonic friends or do you maybe not know what you feel right now? It doesn't sound to me as though it could get nasty. Sweetheart5381 how do I feel? I really do care for him as we were very close friends even before we hooked up. I do still find him attractive but I'm confused by his behavior. Our last conversation was very strange he asked me what I wanted? How I felt? He kept saying he was confused? I don't understand what about? He keeping saying you're a lovely girl and I care for you but I don't wanna hurt you. When I said I did want a relationship but not with him he turned around and asked me what we were. He confused me so much as I know what it was. I was still doing my own thing wheres as he would text me to get out of going out and I would have to encourage him to go. When he found out I went on a date he confronted me about it and told me that if either of us go on dates we should tell each other. Why do you think it wouldn't get nasty?
Eddie Edirol Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 When he found out I went on a date he confronted me about it and told me that if either of us go on dates we should tell each other. Why do you think it wouldn't get nasty? Just by this it sounds like he does want a relationship with you, and is trying to keep in touch (literally) with you to keepthings going. You are going to have to ignore him for a while, you cant be friends with someone that you dont want to be with when they are still infatuated with you. It doesnt have to be forever, just for now.
Author Emmii Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Eddie he said he didn't want a relationship with me. Was that his way of hiding his feelings as I didn't say I wanted to be with him. I'm going to stay away from him till I feel things can go back to being friends.
sweetheart5381 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Sweetheart5381 how do I feel? I really do care for him as we were very close friends even before we hooked up. I do still find him attractive but I'm confused by his behavior. Our last conversation was very strange he asked me what I wanted? How I felt? He kept saying he was confused? I don't understand what about? He keeping saying you're a lovely girl and I care for you but I don't wanna hurt you. When I said I did want a relationship but not with him he turned around and asked me what we were. He confused me so much as I know what it was. I was still doing my own thing wheres as he would text me to get out of going out and I would have to encourage him to go. When he found out I went on a date he confronted me about it and told me that if either of us go on dates we should tell each other. Why do you think it wouldn't get nasty? It sounds to be that he is trying to let you know he wants the relationship to progress into something closer and more mature, but wants to have the safety of not having to put his pride on the line by saying it openly. He sounds quite scared of rejection tbh and that makes sense since you are already a close friend and a lover. One wrong move and he could blow the whole thing up and you both lose. FWB is a crazy dance when feelings grow.
Author Emmii Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I did text him to break the ice as I hate not being able to joke with him. It was strange but not horrible. When I wished him a goodnight I called him by his pet name and he did the same. The next day I saw him and he came over to talk to me almost like before. I find men strange. To hide there own emotions he said he didn't want a relationship but was quite happy to have me come over now and then. And I don't wanna hurt you! So could it be that men also do get attached to women in a fwb situation and its not always the case that its women?! Is that what's happened here?
sweetheart5381 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 I did text him to break the ice as I hate not being able to joke with him. It was strange but not horrible. When I wished him a goodnight I called him by his pet name and he did the same. The next day I saw him and he came over to talk to me almost like before. I find men strange. To hide there own emotions he said he didn't want a relationship but was quite happy to have me come over now and then. And I don't wanna hurt you! So could it be that men also do get attached to women in a fwb situation and its not always the case that its women?! Is that what's happened here? Yes, I think they do grow attached to a certain extent, but are much better at concealing their emotions until they feel safe that they wont get hurt. If your man has been single for a long time, he likely was hurt badly and he may well be afraid to get attached prematurely. Mine said basically the same thing about anything committed/relationship, that he wanted us to continue sharing and exploring, "But not every weekend, as I think that would spoil it." were his exact words when we first started hooking up last July. IMO, men are not cold, ruthless dirtbags looking for all the pussy they can get. When he says he doesn't want to hurt you, that's a clear sign that he values you as a person, not just a romp in the sac. My guess is that he has developed feelings outside of the realm of FWB... he just doesn't know if he likes them or not.
Author Emmii Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Yes, I think they do grow attached to a certain extent, but are much better at concealing their emotions until they feel safe that they wont get hurt. If your man has been single for a long time, he likely was hurt badly and he may well be afraid to get attached prematurely. Mine said basically the same thing about anything committed/relationship, that he wanted us to continue sharing and exploring, "But not every weekend, as I think that would spoil it." were his exact words when we first started hooking up last July. His last relationship was back in July. And it has its fair share of ups and downs. She was pregnant and chose to get rid of it without asking him what he wanted. When we started talking he made himself clear that he didn't want a relationship as he wasn't ready for one which was fine. We've only been hanging out since january. I'm not an emotional person and I'm very guarded about my feelings. He would tease me when he would speak to a girl. He'd come over and say don't get jealous. I would tell him she can have you hon! I told you I'm not the jealous type. He said this a few times but I never showed him anything. For me to show my emotions I need to be with a person for a long time. I just wish he'd had explained why the sudden change in behavior. Everything was going ok as I didn't feel the need to question it. It's was what it was. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 His last relationship was back in July. And it has its fair share of ups and downs. She was pregnant and chose to get rid of it without asking him what he wanted. When we started talking he made himself clear that he didn't want a relationship as he wasn't ready for one which was fine. We've only been hanging out since january. I'm not an emotional person and I'm very guarded about my feelings. He would tease me when he would speak to a girl. He'd come over and say don't get jealous. I would tell him she can have you hon! I told you I'm not the jealous type. He said this a few times but I never showed him anything. For me to show my emotions I need to be with a person for a long time. I just wish he'd had explained why the sudden change in behavior. Everything was going ok as I didn't feel the need to question it. It's was what it was. I hear ya loud and clear. So now you let him work his stuff out for himself... am sure he will make himself clearer eventually.
Author Emmii Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 Sweetheart5381 thank you so much for your wise words. It's very hard to understand things. Friends will always take sides or judge you. Thank again. I do hope he does. I hope things workout for you too! 1
Author Emmii Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 So we had another chat. He turned around to me and said your were offish with me the other day. I told him what do you expect. I don't know how to behave around you as I don't know where that conversation came from the other day? And he said he didn't know himself but that he was still confused. I asked him about what and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't want it to get messy. But he said he didn't want a relationship and I said nor did I. Not with him! I never said did I. He said you don't mind me texting you saying come over at 11. You've taken the spark out of it. I was happy to carry on the way they we were, your the one who questioned it. Don't understand how can you be confused? We're both walking on egg shells. He still keeps coming out if his way to talk to me and touch the back of my neck. His tried to make innuendos but his more careful than usual. He turns away when I'm taking to other men and he won't approach me. Just don't understand what I'm missing? So confused.
sweetheart5381 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 So we had another chat. He turned around to me and said your were offish with me the other day. I told him what do you expect. I don't know how to behave around you as I don't know where that conversation came from the other day? And he said he didn't know himself but that he was still confused. I asked him about what and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't want it to get messy. But he said he didn't want a relationship and I said nor did I. Not with him! I never said did I. He said you don't mind me texting you saying come over at 11. You've taken the spark out of it. I was happy to carry on the way they we were, your the one who questioned it. Don't understand how can you be confused? We're both walking on egg shells. He still keeps coming out if his way to talk to me and touch the back of my neck. His tried to make innuendos but his more careful than usual. He turns away when I'm taking to other men and he won't approach me. Just don't understand what I'm missing? So confused. Ya, I can relate to your confusion, I would be confused too. Men are strange creatures. I would think that if he wanted more that he would just state it and let you make a decision to end it if you are both of different states of mind. That being said, if the sex is good and you both have fun I'm sure he doesn't want that part of it to end either. Tricky situation for both of you I'm sure.
Author Emmii Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Ya, I can relate to your confusion, I would be confused too. Men are strange creatures. I would think that if he wanted more that he would just state it and let you make a decision to end it if you are both of different states of mind. That being said, if the sex is good and you both have fun I'm sure he doesn't want that part of it to end either. Tricky situation for both of you I'm sure. Weird species lol. Thing is I've only slept with him once and it was extremely painful as it been over 11 years. As to confusion it's so annoying as I miss him as a friend more than anything. I'm not a emotional person. He finds me hard to read as I don't open up and he has opened up. After sex the next day he asked me how I felt about it and just put lol as I didn't know what else to say. He asked me if I was totally comfortable with him and I said not totally. Everytime i've gone over to hang out the next day he will express how much he enjoyed the time we spent together. I feel as thou his for very mixed emotions towards me. I just don't see where the confusion side comes into it. I know how I feel and I've told him.
sweetheart5381 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Weird species lol. Thing is I've only slept with him once and it was extremely painful as it been over 11 years. As to confusion it's so annoying as I miss him as a friend more than anything. I'm not a emotional person. He finds me hard to read as I don't open up and he has opened up. After sex the next day he asked me how I felt about it and just put lol as I didn't know what else to say. He asked me if I was totally comfortable with him and I said not totally. Everytime i've gone over to hang out the next day he will express how much he enjoyed the time we spent together. I feel as thou his for very mixed emotions towards me. I just don't see where the confusion side comes into it. I know how I feel and I've told him. Ya, its kinda weird when dudes want to follow up the next day... R did the same thing last time, he initiated contact, asking me about my day.. was weird. I also have a former male friend that was very much the same, but he did it after even the slightest bit of time together, a hug, anything. He attempted to cop feels and stuff too even though I told him outright that I was not interested at all. Very creepy so I told him to get lost. I'm not a touchy feely kinda girl and I rarely show emotion unless it is seriously becoming a nuisance to feel it - then I respond with anger, lol. But if you've made it clear that you're not entirely sure about him and have been clear about your intentions then you cant really do anything else. Maybe re-iterate to him that you like him as a friend and give a lil warning that it will never be anything else.
Author Emmii Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 I want my friendship back. As to going back to hanging out I feel like the spark may have gone. I would like to see if its still there but I feel like it would be one way. His already made me so confused by his actions. I don't know if he still finds me attractive. Who doesn't want to feel sexy and cuddle and kissed with passion and yet still be able to go home without the headache of having a relationship. I'm not ready to commit to anyone yet. 1
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