soconfused13 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I asked for a divorce a month ago. My husband was understandably very upset, but we had already discussed and it wasn't totally out of left field. He knows I've been unhappy and that I am done trying. He signed the summary dissolution papers I had drawn up. Here's the kicker. He wants another chance, so I've agreed to hold off filing the paperwork until he is able to move out (He's been looking for work), to allow him a chance to fix things during the 6 month waiting period that starts once we file. I also agreed to let him stay in our apartment until he finds a job. So I am just stuck. I want to move on but this is holding me back and making it difficult to deal with my own feelings. What the hell am I supposed to do? He really has no where else to go and his family is estranged and I still care about him so I don't want to kick him out or anything, but I have to see him all the time everyday. Part of the problem in our marriage was the way he has isolated him self from all his friends and family, and made me his sole social interaction. It's not healthy. He is almost totally dependent on me. He used to be a fun loving out going person and I am not really sure why or what caused this change, but it has effectively killed my attraction to him. Financially, I am completely on my own and supporting him. He has been trying to get out a little more and has been getting involved in other things since I told him that was part of the issue, but I still find myself spending every weekend out of the house just to avoid the awkwardness. So I am paying all the bills but am having to live out of my bag during the weekends, just to have some time to myself. This forum was very helpful when I first started to consider a divorce so I am hoping it will be as helpful as I am working through this part of the divorce. I hate this damn grey area I seem to be trapped in.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 He wants another chance, so I've agreed to hold off filing the paperwork until he is able to move out (He's been looking for work), to allow him a chance to fix things during the 6 month waiting period that starts once we file. Here's his "chance" : Give him 10 days notice to get a j-o-b, find a place and move out. Most McD's are hiring. If he can prove himself to be a fully functioning adult from both a social and financial standpoint, you'll consider (with no promises) reconciliation down the road. Other than that, I'd be upfront with him that you're simply happier without him. And that he's responsible for himself... Mr. Lucky 2
GuyInLimbo Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 So, what you're saying is, despite beginning the divorce process, you are still enabling him. Good luck with that. Mr. Lucky is right on. Even if he needs to get 3 PT jobs, he can do it. He's a grown man. He will have to figure out how to live on his own. Period.
Juls64 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Soconfused, I feel like we share a similar story. The difference is my husband returned to school, so we are living together and I am paying bills to allow him to finish. It is difficult being home. Somedays I feel like he has waited all day just for me to get home so he can tell me the same stories over and over. I am bored and tired of it. As for your husband, like the others said, he can find some type of job. Even if it isn't ideal, he can make some money and continue to look for something better. Good luck. I understand.
Mack05 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) It seems like your husband is an anchor weighing you down. I have a feeling once that anchor is removed, you will be a lot happier... But then there is those damn wedding vows. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer etc etc. It's a horrible situation to be in. I think you have done the right thing, BUT I would tell him reconciliation is off the cards. Even if he gets a job. You need to be honest here, giving him false hope so he might get a job is not the way to go. I would then leave things settle for a few weeks. He might want to drag his heels and this is something you will have to watch closely. If there is no change in 6 weeks, I would give him a 6 week ultimatum that he needs to leave and that this is non negotiable. He may view this as cruel, but you are not his mother. I'm sorry, but the only person responsible for the mess that he is in is himself. I think letting him stay for a potential of 3 months is very reasonable. I'm not sure how much more compassion or empathy he could possible want. You have put your life on hold long enough. He hasn't kept his end of the bargain up when it comes to the marriage. He now needs to sort himself out (on his own) and you need to try be happy.. again.. Edited March 27, 2013 by Mack05 1
Techie Artist Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I also agreed to let him stay in our apartment until he finds a job. So I am just stuck. I want to move on but this is holding me back and making it difficult to deal with my own feelings. What the hell am I supposed to do? He really has no where else to go and his family is estranged and I still care about him so I don't want to kick him out or anything, but I have to see him all the time everyday. Part of the problem in our marriage was the way he has isolated him self from all his friends and family, and made me his sole social interaction. It's not healthy. He is almost totally dependent on me. Financially, I am completely on my own and supporting him. SoConf and Juls, we are in such a similar boat. Check out my post "Anchor Dragging Me Down" for some great advice. My H and I are still working it out. He is reading the "Stay or Go" book by Lee Raffel as I requested. We're supposed to see a counselor, but he hasn't set the date. I refuse to set it. He's got 1 more week and then I'm making up my mind!
FazedOut Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 (edited) Wow, reading this threw me for a loop. I get how my husband & his work friends (& who knows who else) view ME now. I want to puke! If you really don't want to reconcile, just be straight forward with your husband. It's hard enough to accept without the mixed messages. Good luck! Btw, it's not just that EASY to get a job these days...I've been trying & have had NO luck including Target, Walmart, McDonald's, Chipotle, etc. I have no work history on the last years tho, so that could be a lot if it in my case....on top of being 45. Also, it's a struggle to get out, be confident, meet people, etc. when your self esteem is shot & your world is crashing down around you. Just a little food for thought.... no judgment. ( I guess I just empathize with your husband based on MY situation). Edited March 29, 2013 by FazedOut
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2013 Posted March 29, 2013 Just about any guy that you get with? Is going to totally invest in you, your life, your family (even at the sake of his own) his friends. That's what guys do ~ Hell that's what women do! Have you ever had a best GF that you totally connected to ~ until she found herelf a new BF? And then its as though she fell off the planet? And even when you do get back in touch with them its all about her and the new BF. Throughout the course of my life I keep coming back to the same place. Getting back to the basics ~ the fundamentals. KISS ~ Keep it simple stupid I don't think you and he should divorce? I think you should seperate for awhile and regain your individuality and balance. Shrink in some borders, while exploring others. I think you both need to take some time to re-define each other, yourself, yourself as a couple. This is something your constantly are going to have to do throughout Life. Lose a parent? Redefy! Lost a sister/brother? Redefy! Lose a grandparent, special person, get fired, laid off, downsized, divorce, just told you've got Stage #1, #2, #3, # 4 cancer? Redefy? Told to go home and make out your last will and teastment ~ you've got six weeks to live? Redefy! At some point in your life you've just got to dig your spurs into the ground to keep the damned horse from going over the cliff! (The horse BTW is your life) At some point in time you've got to break things down into minor, major and intolerable offenses when it comes to having a spouse/wife/husband? Most of them fall into the way below minor offenses. Its kind of like jobs ~ I pretty much hated every job I ever had in one way or the other? That is until I got my next job! Be damned careful of what you ask for? You just might get it! Its kind of like the woman out in the back yard that told the neighbor lady across the backyard fence that her husband thought he was a chicken! The neighbor lady told her with empathy "OH! That must JUST be terriable to bear and live with?" "Not really! God knows we could use the money we get from the eggs!" Or the woman that told her best friend that she just discoverd her husband was a crossdresser! :eek: "Oh! Its not that bad! He makes a damned good French Maid waiting on me hand and foot!" My point is ~ relationships/marriage is a lot like being on Gilligan's Island ~ you take what you've got to work with and ~ WORK WITH IT!
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