Need more affection from my bf.

[Lovemycowboy]

I have searched and searched for forums to help with

my problem, but haven't had any luck.

 

My boyfriend is new to the whole relationship thing. We are 23, and I have had multiple serious relationships, but he has never really been in a serious relationship. I am a very affectionate person, you know a normal woman, but he is not very affectionate to me. He does nice things for me like cook dinner and stuff. I just got my own apartment and I have not even mentioned him moving in, but he does stay almost every night. I am trying to let him set the pace since he is slower than me. We have only been together 2 months going on 3, but I have fallen for him very fast. We never fight, although when I ask him if something is wrong he gets mad. I guess he just never says the things I wanna hear. We have told each other we love each other, but it seems I am always the first one..so I want to back off a bit, because I want him to show me more affection, but I don't want to nag him about it. My friends say that maybe he just doesn't know how to show it, but it hurts my feelings hen I tell him all these nice things and he doesn't say anything back. So how should I handle this situation, because I don't want to make he feel like he is doing anything wrong. I give him space during the day by not texting him, but I wait and hope he will send me a nice message and it never happens. Why does he have a hard time showing me affection? And if he continues not to how do I accept that without hurting and feeling rejected?

 

Any advice would help because at the moment, it is just a crappy feeling. I know that him, and I can be together in the end and I hope and pray for it, and I know I need to be content with the nice things he does do and say. I have just never been in a situation like this because all my ex boyfriends were very affectionate.

 

Thanks!

[Treasa]

You can't change him. And the more affection you show him, the more you're showing him that he can do whatever he wants and he won't lose you.

 

Stop showing him affection. Don't let him stay over. In fact, find another boyfriend.

[Video]

I think finding another boyfriend is a bit harsh right off the bat. Give the guy a chance.

 

Changing who somebody is is much different than changing there actions. He can CHOOSE to show you affection. If its that painful for him then yes maybe it is time to move on. Hes the MAN he needs to act like one. And this is coming from another man. You are the woman and he needs to accept that and start treating you like one.

 

The biggest problem is that people seem to think men and woman are the same and they think alike. Woman and men are so completely different from each other. I did not say better or worse, i said different. He needs to start doing his job as your boyfriend. If he cant...i would move on unless you can get over it. Sounds like your miserable though. Give his ass an ultimatum. Do as i ask or im leaving. Your allowed to do that

[pbjbear]

I think finding another boyfriend is a bit harsh right off the bat. Give the guy a chance.

 

Changing who somebody is is much different than changing there actions. He can CHOOSE to show you affection. If its that painful for him then yes maybe it is time to move on. Hes the MAN he needs to act like one. And this is coming from another man. You are the woman and he needs to accept that and start treating you like one.

 

The biggest problem is that people seem to think men and woman are the same and they think alike. Woman and men are so completely different from each other. I did not say better or worse, i said different. He needs to start doing his job as your boyfriend. If he cant...i would move on unless you can get over it. Sounds like your miserable though. Give his ass an ultimatum. Do as i ask or im leaving. Your allowed to do that

 

I once dated a guy who was cold and unaffectionate like the guy the OP is describing. All he did was once in awhile cook dinner for me. If hes not doing anything to make up for his lack of verbal affection or touching affection she should move on. Its not fun to date someone who doesnt do any of the Five Languages of Love. Thats called a one sided relationship.

 

I wouldnt throw in the towel yet but talk to him about it. Its a good sign that he wants to spend time with you like hes doing

[Lovemycowboy]

I think all of you are right. I just want to make sure that I am not over thinking it. When we lay down in bed, he doesn't want to even put his arm around me or kiss me goodnight? And it hurts. I am a very independent woman, and don't need a man in my life especially with no affection. Every woman just wants that affection, and most men do to? When I bring it up, he says I worry too much, and that he should not have to show me affection all the time even though I have never asked him for it all the time. It just doesn't feel like a true relationship, and I feel like I did something wrong the. I realize it is not me at all.

 

Thanks for all of your replies! I really appreciate them. It helps talking to other people who have been in the situation.

[Treasa]

I have searched and searched for forums to help with

my problem, but haven't had any luck.

 

My boyfriend is new to the whole relationship thing. We are 23, and I have had multiple serious relationships, but he has never really been in a serious relationship. I am a very affectionate person, you know a normal woman, but he is not very affectionate to me. He does nice things for me like cook dinner and stuff. I just got my own apartment and I have not even mentioned him moving in, but he does stay almost every night. I am trying to let him set the pace since he is slower than me. We have only been together 2 months going on 3, but I have fallen for him very fast. We never fight, although when I ask him if something is wrong he gets mad. I guess he just never says the things I wanna hear. We have told each other we love each other, but it seems I am always the first one..so I want to back off a bit, because I want him to show me more affection, but I don't want to nag him about it. My friends say that maybe he just doesn't know how to show it, but it hurts my feelings hen I tell him all these nice things and he doesn't say anything back. So how should I handle this situation, because I don't want to make he feel like he is doing anything wrong. I give him space during the day by not texting him, but I wait and hope he will send me a nice message and it never happens. Why does he have a hard time showing me affection? And if he continues not to how do I accept that without hurting and feeling rejected?

 

Any advice would help because at the moment, it is just a crappy feeling. I know that him, and I can be together in the end and I hope and pray for it, and I know I need to be content with the nice things he does do and say. I have just never been in a situation like this because all my ex boyfriends were very affectionate.

 

Thanks!

 

I had exes who did some nice things. It didn't mean they treated me well or were right for me. You are far too obsessed with his feelings and not concerned enough with your own.

 

I really don't think you two are compatible, and the more you try, the more you're teaching him how to disrespect you. Seriously, lose him. He gets mad when you ask what's wrong? Seriously? Yeah, **** that.

[Lovemycowboy]

Your right, my feelings are important too.

[Treasa]

Your right, my feelings are important, and I come first in my own life.

 

There, I fixed it for you.

[clia]

You really need to take a step back; I can feel the smothering and clinginess just by reading what you wrote. The two of you haven't been together long at all, and it sounds like you are pushing the relationship forward at an alarming pace. I haven't decided whether he is just moving slower than you, or whether is just isn't that into you.

 

I just got my own apartment and I have not even mentioned him moving in, but he does stay almost every night.

 

It's good that you haven't mentioned him moving in, because it is far, far too soon for that to even come up. It should not even be on your mind yet.

 

He should not be spending every night at your place. No, no, no. You want him to be affectionate? You want to give him space? You want him to want you? Create some distance. You aren't allowing him any time to miss you, to think about you, to ponder how he feels about you, to feel bonded with you. This is important to a fledgling relationship!

 

I am trying to let him set the pace since he is slower than me.

 

What exactly are you doing to let him set the pace?

 

We never fight, although when I ask him if something is wrong he gets mad.

 

At three months you shouldn't be fighting, so don't pat yourself on the back too hard. You should still be in the honeymoon period.

 

As far as him getting mad when you ask him if something is wrong -- how often are you asking him? Are you pulling the "what are you thinking?" too frequently? These types of questions irritate men. Stop it. Don't have "relationship talks" with him. Be fun, light, and breezy. You should be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.

 

I guess he just never says the things I wanna hear.

 

Maybe he's not the right guy for you. Some people just aren't affectionate.

 

Or maybe you are expecting too much out of him for a three month relationship. He doesn't sound to be as deeply in love as you are -- which makes sense. You two barely know each other.

 

We have told each other we love each other, but it seems I am always the first one..so I want to back off a bit, because I want him to show me more affection, but I don't want to nag him about it.

 

I'm going to take a shot in the dark here -- you said "I love you" first, right?

 

Step back. Far back. Make plans with your friends or by yourself at least three nights a week, where you don't see him. Stop telling him you love him first, or if you must, do it two days a week at most. The last thing you want to do is nag him about it. Don't do it. Seriously -- if you become a complaining nag that he isn't telling you he loves you enough, he will dump you.

 

My friends say that maybe he just doesn't know how to show it, but it hurts my feelings hen I tell him all these nice things and he doesn't say anything back.

 

Then stop telling him nice things. Are you sure he's into you? How often are you saying this stuff to him? Are you on gushing overload?

 

So how should I handle this situation, because I don't want to make he feel like he is doing anything wrong.

 

You step back. You stop having him stay over 6-7 nights a week. You get a life of your own. You stop worrying about what he's thinking and feeling and why he isn't saying "I love you" every time you say it and why he isn't texting you and why he isn't calling you. Take a class. Go to the gym. Go buy shoes. Put your focus anywhere other than on him.

 

I give him space during the day by not texting him, but I wait and hope he will send me a nice message and it never happens.

 

Because he sees you every night. What do you expect him to text you about? Stop texting him at all for one week. Only text him to respond if he texts you first. Try this and see what happens. Stop being so needy.

 

Why does he have a hard time showing me affection?

 

I think you are smothering him with affection and expectations, and as a result are pushing him away.

 

And if he continues not to how do I accept that without hurting and feeling rejected?

 

You may need to just be patient with him; or you may need to move on to another guy.

[Treasa]

Gushing is next good in any form, unless it's a fire hydrant, and there's a house on fire nearby. All other forms of gushing are bad.

[pbjbear]

I get people have different styles. But theres a difference between having different styles and having a lazy boyfriend who is not so much into you. Its sometimes hard to tell the difference

[Lovemycowboy]

You're all right. I am expecting too much, and yeah, maybe I need to tell him he can't stay every night, but I don't have any friends to be around. I don't have one person to hang out with besides him, and if I did, trust me I would. That's why it is hard. He doesn't really have friends either, and I know this relationship went way too fast, and maybe I should back off, and stop showing too much affection, and then maybe he will show it. I know I am the problem for the most part because I do want more than he is willing to offer. I have been trying to find things to occupy my time, but I have nothing I can think of. We both work during the day which is why we don't talk much then and I completely get that. He told me in the beginning he was falling for me. I think maybe I have out too much pressure in him. How can I back off even when he does stay with me at my apartment? He has slowly moved stuff in on his own. I just don't want him getting tired of me, so how can I learn to step back? Like I said, I really have no friends here at all, which truly does make it hard.

[Treasa]

1. Tell him to gather his stuff and take it out, because he doesn't live with you.

2. Go out at night and go to the gym, take a class, volunteer, whatever. It'll give you something to do, and chances are, you'll make friends.

3. Be ok with being alone. If you can't do that, you're going to be extremely dependent on others, which isn't fun.

4. Stop showing him so much affection, YOU set the pace (slow), and if he doesn't shape up, lose him.

 

There you go. Four easy steps.

[Lovemycowboy]

You're right. I need to tell him that he needs to go back to his home for awhile.

[FitChick]

You can't change him. And the more affection you show him, the more you're showing him that he can do whatever he wants and he won't lose you. Stop showing him affection. Don't let him stay over. In fact, find another boyfriend.

 

I disagree. I used to be like that. One of my first boyfriends was from a large, demonstrative Italian family. He was always hugging and kissing me spontanously, very open emotionally. He set an example for me to follow, thank God. My own family was very controlled and controlling and it wasn't safe in that environment to express your feelings with the exception of anger. People can change.

[AverageCat]

You can't change him. And the more affection you show him, the more you're showing him that he can do whatever he wants and he won't lose you.

 

Stop showing him affection. Don't let him stay over. In fact, find another boyfriend.

 

Wholeheartedly disagree with this.

 

Have you tried the simple route.... You know TALK about this, like normal smart people do..?

 

It's true he will see a "weaker" side of you, but hell if you can't show that to you bf, what good is your relationship....

 

Tell him calmly that you understand that maybe it's not entirely on him, but sometimes you feel like he doesn't show you enough affection. Tell him you KNOW he loves you, but sometime you have that sensataion that something small is amiss.

 

And don't stop giving him affection, just for him to give some (at least not completely). Starting to play games in a relationship is a sure way to lose trust and communication.

 

Remeber communication, communication, communication. I can't stress it enough.

[musemaj11]

People need to stop trying to change others. We all have fixed personality to a great degree.

 

When I found out a girl was too cheap for my taste, I didn't try to change her because its her natural trait. I simply looked for someone else with a more giving trait.

Edited March 26, 2013 by musemaj11

[rocketman122]

Im also a very warm touchy feely person and cannot be with a woman who isnt like this. youre both still young so you can train him. mold him. it may be thats how it is in his family and he was raised like this and doesnt know anything else. set a time of 2-3 months and see if he improves.

 

my ex wife was the opposite of me and I slowly taught her when we started dating. she loved me and wanted to be with me and over time I showed her even how I want her to hold my hand. she had a weak hold and I didnt like feeling like I was holding a dead hand in my hand. it can work well because youre both young. just like the woman winds up dressing her husband, you can teach him. if he loves you and wants you happy he will try. dont expect too much so soon but small improvements are possible over time. be patient. in the beginning he will have to think about it but over time it will be an automatic thing for him.

 

I went out with a super hot blonde from OLD once. it lasted for 3 weeks. she was not warm/affectionate and I told her that it bothers me. she tried but she said, she doesnt "know this" because she never had it before. I had to walk away because I saw it was going to be a problem. when youre younger it will be much easier.

 

and dont listen to the "break up" comments. theyd rather give up then actually invest and try to work things out. this guy loves you.

[KatZee]

Read the book, "The Five Love Languages."

 

You have your own love language- Words of Affirmation. That's how YOU express love. You speak your feelings. You want to hear those things back to you.

 

Unfortunately this is where most people go wrong in relationships. Just because that is YOUR love language, does not mean that it is HIS. His love language looks to be "Acts of Service." He does nice things for you. He may not be as verbal as you, but to him, he's expressing his love the only way he knows how and what's comfortable for him.

 

Everyone has their own unique love language and this book would be a good tool to use so you can see he IS telling you he loves you when he cooks you dinner, or does something for you.

 

Don't nag him by asking "what's wrong?!?" all the time. He just doesn't speak the same language as you! So the way YOU'RE showing love... is not fulfilling to him. Try DOING something for him instead of trying to get him to speak.

[KatZee]

The five languages of love has become the he's just not that into you of yesteryear here.

 

Both books are actually completely different. Have you even read both books? They're not even comparable.

[Lovemycowboy]

I appreciate all the advice. Him and I had a talk this morning, and he sad that since I show him so much affection it's not special anymore. He just feels like we don't have to be affectionate all the time to know we love each other. My weakness is showing my love way too much because I have always been that way. I told him I am going to give him his space and show less affection all the time. I did tell him that I crave the affection from him though, and it kills me when I don't get it. He said that he would show it more if I didn't show it so much. So I guess I love way to much and show too much affection? Never thought anyone would ever complain about that. I understand that our relationship has gone very fast, but we can't change the past, we can only improve it for the future. I asked him if he thinks he should go back to his house for awhile and he said no he wants to stay with me, he just needs space. So that is that.

[pbjbear]

I appreciate all the advice. Him and I had a talk this morning, and he sad that since I show him so much affection it's not special anymore. He just feels like we don't have to be affectionate all the time to know we love each other. My weakness is showing my love way too much because I have always been that way. I told him I am going to give him his space and show less affection all the time. I did tell him that I crave the affection from him though, and it kills me when I don't get it. He said that he would show it more if I didn't show it so much. So I guess I love way to much and show too much affection? Never thought anyone would ever complain about that. I understand that our relationship has gone very fast, but we can't change the past, we can only improve it for the future. I asked him if he thinks he should go back to his house for awhile and he said no he wants to stay with me, he just needs space. So that is that.

 

Id say most guys dont like a girl who shows affection constantly. They see it as clingy. As long as he shows he loves you in other ways I wouldnt worry. However, if he doesnt do any of the Five Languages of Love you do need to worry because then its a one sided relationship

[Lovemycowboy]

Do they have a free download of that book online?

[iKING]

Do they have a free download of that book online?

 

Someone posted this the other day.

 

5LL

 

I scored 8-10 on 3/5, yikes.

[tuxedo cat]

according to this test mine are

 

Physical Touch -- 9

Words of Affirmation -- 8

Quality Time -- 6

Receiving Gifts -- 4

Acts of Service -- 3

 

Definitely conforms to my experience.