dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I honestly look at this completely differently. If the girl was ignoring her, yes, that's rude but I wouldn't expect my bf/H to confront her in any way. In fact, it might look really bad. And so he goes and talks to his friend, she's there, she does the shoulder thing. ARG. I would say that as a guy who doesn't want to get in the middle of a cat fight, that would be pretty damn awkward. The whole thing could be a misunderstanding and now what? Do you say or do something ignorant to his gf that could knock out your friendship with your buddy because your gf thinks that his gf might be ignoring you? No way. Same as I wouldn't get involved in a score between my husband and another guy. It could make him look like a bitch. Confronting the girl could really make your bf look like a total prick and you a trouble-starter. I wouldn't go there. I think his obligation was to comfort you and let you deal with this girl on your own. Or at the most mention it to her boyfriend (aside), who is his buddy and say "hey man wtf is with your gf?" I'm not saying he should hang with them 24/7 every weekend but I don't think he should have to hit the bricks for his gf when she's an independent adult herself. Over a possible *ignore* If the chick was aggressive, that's a whole other deal.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 To be honest with you since this was a woman who disrespected you and you are a woman it would seem that you would defend yourself and put her in her place ASAP. You would feel and be seen as a strong woman instead of one who needs her man to defend her against another woman. Now that you have let this woman get away with disrespecting you she will probably do it again. If she does please RISE to the occasion and show her what you are made of. If one of your male friends disrespected your bf and he ran to you to defend him wouldn't you be surprised and perhaps disappointed. We actually cross-posted. I don't know how this thread's gone on so long without this perspective. 1
Roadkill007 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 We actually cross-posted. I don't know how this thread's gone on so long without this perspective. probably because of the way the thread's title was worded, it gave people the preconceived notion that this WAS a situation where the guy should have done something. Gotta love leading questions 1
Author Galaxias Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Good points, all of you (and thank you for your consideration). The thing is, I wasn't trying to be (mis)leading, I really wanted to know if he should've stood up for me or what. I feel like he should've. One of the main reasons I didn't stand up for myself at the time is because I didn't want to make HIM look bad. These are his friends, his business, in his environment, who am I to come barrelling in demanding to be respected? I thought it shouldn't have been this big of a deal at all in the first place. All I was hoping for was for him to either ask what was up or reintroduce us or something to make things better. NOT for him to let her be all over him or to accept her attentions and let her continue to be rude. In any case, it's funny this comes up again, because the situation really hasn't changed. Here it is a couple of months later, and although I haven't had to run into the rude chick again, her boyfriend is always there, glaring at me and turning away from me if I'm in his line of vision. It's really unnerving and annoying. My boyfriend totally notices it, and we just kind of laugh about it, but he still hasn't done or said anything about it and THAT is what still hurts about it. There have been other things (this was just an easy example) that make me wonder how willing he would be to stand up for me, and it makes me very sad, because like I said, he's so wonderful in so many other ways. But, why do I always have to be the one who grins and bears it? So, I'm pretty ready to just be like "say, it seems like you don't like me much, why is that?" and who cares what it does to my boyfriend's friends or his business or his comfort zone or whatever. Screw it, I'm tired of trying to put a good face on things when people are being just plain jerks and I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth taking a stand for.
Author Galaxias Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 I honestly look at this completely differently. I think his obligation was to comfort you and let you deal with this girl on your own. Or at the most mention it to her boyfriend (aside), who is his buddy and say "hey man wtf is with your gf?" If the chick was aggressive, that's a whole other deal. All I wanted was for him to validate/address the issue. "Hey, man, wtf?" Exactly. Wouldn't have taken much. And, yes, the chick was aggressive. And my boyfriend just sat there and ate it up. Hence the double-whammy. Yeah, I can probably deal with it on my own terms, but again, it just makes me feel like I AM on my own...
Treasa Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Yeah, I can probably deal with it on my own terms, but again, it just makes me feel like I AM on my own... Own it. Ultimately we're ALL on our own, even if we're married. When it comes down to it, your heart, lungs, etc. exist to keep YOU alive. There's nothing wrong with finding your own power and worth in yourself and loving it. I honestly love that I don't have a romantic partner. I feel amazing. 1
Roadkill007 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Don't worry about it. People often misrepresent what they mean, whether it's from emotional recoil, or bad wording, or any number of things. It's a pretty common sight here on LS, and honestly this one was clearly one of the more innocuous miswordings . yea, you might just have to take her aside and ask her what her problem with you is. Maybe that direct approach will blow away all the crap and will let in some fresh air. Just try not to word it in a way she might interpret what you're saying as a personal attack on her. The last thing you want is her to be is vindictively over-defensive towards you. 2
Treasa Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 When/if you confront her, smile and say that you're sure she didn't mean to make you feel that way... It's hard to fight someone who won't let themselves be your enemy. It also works from a psychological standpoint, because you're showing her that she doesn't control your emotions. You do. 2
Casablanca Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Why don't you tell us what she did so we can make an educated evaluation of the events? Did I miss where she said what was said? I looked through it and I still don't think I see what was actually said. My last ex and I had a few disagreements about when one of my friend's wives "disrespected" her, and it was the dumbest thing to feel disrespected over, and probably should have just ended the relationship there as her jealousy and judgmentalness really started to show
Author Galaxias Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Did I miss where she said what was said? I looked through it and I still don't think I see what was actually said. My last ex and I had a few disagreements about when one of my friend's wives "disrespected" her, and it was the dumbest thing to feel disrespected over, and probably should have just ended the relationship there as her jealousy and judgmentalness really started to show That's the whole point. Nothing was really said. They actively ignored me, literally looking away from me or cringing if I tried to speak to them, while cheerily greeting everyone else. They called my boyfriend to one side without me and visited with him and the guy's girlfriend had her hands all over my boyfriend while he just stood there. They made a point of saying "goodnight, Mr. Boyfriend" and glaring at me as they walked out of the place. They made it VERY obvious they were saying f@ck you to me. And he just sat there. After I had told him they were making me uncomfortable, which he had acknowledged. The only reason it still rankles is that other similar things have happened and it's the same thing. Time and again I've seen that whenever he might have to go outside his comfort zone, it doesn't matter what might happen to me or how I might feel about it, there I am, twisting in the wind. Admittedly, this kind of thing may be my own personal trigger that I can hopefully overcome, and you can intellectualize it all you want, but it hurts. It's as simple as that, and it's making me wonder if he really is as cool as I thought he was. If that makes ME "jealous and judgmentalness", then whatever. In my mind, if it's important to someone I care about, it's important to me. At the very least, it's important to me that they feel like I've got their back. And, the way my loved one feels is more important to me than looking good to a casual friend, or a stranger, or a business contact. Call me crazy, but that's the whole reason I'm WITH that person, because they're more important to me than OTHER people. Whatever, I guess.
serial muse Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) Good points, all of you (and thank you for your consideration). The thing is, I wasn't trying to be (mis)leading, I really wanted to know if he should've stood up for me or what. I feel like he should've. One of the main reasons I didn't stand up for myself at the time is because I didn't want to make HIM look bad. These are his friends, his business, in his environment, who am I to come barrelling in demanding to be respected? I thought it shouldn't have been this big of a deal at all in the first place. All I was hoping for was for him to either ask what was up or reintroduce us or something to make things better. NOT for him to let her be all over him or to accept her attentions and let her continue to be rude. In any case, it's funny this comes up again, because the situation really hasn't changed. Here it is a couple of months later, and although I haven't had to run into the rude chick again, her boyfriend is always there, glaring at me and turning away from me if I'm in his line of vision. It's really unnerving and annoying. My boyfriend totally notices it, and we just kind of laugh about it, but he still hasn't done or said anything about it and THAT is what still hurts about it. There have been other things (this was just an easy example) that make me wonder how willing he would be to stand up for me, and it makes me very sad, because like I said, he's so wonderful in so many other ways. But, why do I always have to be the one who grins and bears it? So, I'm pretty ready to just be like "say, it seems like you don't like me much, why is that?" and who cares what it does to my boyfriend's friends or his business or his comfort zone or whatever. Screw it, I'm tired of trying to put a good face on things when people are being just plain jerks and I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth taking a stand for. Wait, so you're saying it wasn't just this girl, but the boyfriend too? They were both pointedly ignoring you and/or glaring at you? It feels like there's more to this story. Why might they feel resentful of you? I can think of a bunch of speculative possibilities (they're going off things your BF said, they resent you taking him away from them, they think you were rude to them first, they're not actually glaring but have strange eye conditions, etc etc etc), but without knowing anything more I agree it's weird and uncomfortable, but it doesn't sound like the issue is really about this girl putting her hands on your guy...not if the boyfriend is actively hating on you too. My advice: Flat-out ignore the glaring. Walk straight up to them while he's talking to them as though you belong there next to your boyfriend (you do) and be sweet as pie. Not in a nasty way, in a genuinely nice way. "Hi, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot, how are things?" "Hi, good to see you (both) again. What's new?" Attempt to befriend them. That's the best way to suss out the truth. I really hope it's not that your BF has been talking smack about you to the friend. Sometimes the conflict-avoidant types are secretly drama queens who just can't handle the direct confrontation. Edited May 22, 2013 by serial muse
SJC2008 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Were you standing next to your boyfriend when she said bye to him? If you weren't it's kind of a gray area (but still rude IMO) but if yall were standing next to eachother that was even more rude and would of taken it as a snub if I were you and if it was me I would of said "Hey aren't you going to say goodbye to x?" It's not really confrontational IMO and I was on the other end of it once. I was at an airshow with some frinends and one of their wives was working security and hooked us up and let us into a private party! When I told her husband bye I told him to tell his wife we said thanks and bye and he said "She's right over their go tell her". It wasn't confrontational or awkward at all.
todreaminblue Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I remember once when i was pretty little looking up from the ground and wanting someone to step in.......when i had been knocked to the ground from a bully...no one did.....in fact they were cheering him on...so i just put my head back down.......and got to my feet myself with determination to stand by myself...... another time further down the track there was this group of probably high or drunk teen boys.......i was walking my sister back from collecting sea shells and soldier crabs...i knew within a minute something bad was going to happen.......i told her to run.......which she did...i turned around and faced them........by myself....scared crapless....they stoned me...and threw octopus legs used as bait in my hair...at least my sister didnt see it......she never looked back...she ran and got my step father...... anothert time i remember looking at the wife of my rapist i was five and wanting her to step in..tell her husband it was wrong..she turned away and walked into a kitchen.........one thing i know is this....... never expect some one to stand up for you.....you could be waiting a while....stand by yourself if you have to.......have faith in god he will heal the hurt........ if someone treats you badly look them in the eye and say i dont deserve this, i dont appreciate it and i would respect you if you didnt treat me this way...i hold my head up afraid hurt or insecure...i dont expect people in general to come to my rescue.......and since i dont...do you know what......for some reason they have stood up when i have really needed it....... most of the time.....i can speak and mediate my way out of trouble.....i pray a little ....god give me strength....and ....he does.......its a gift....so now .....i stand up for others....always have actually...most of the time its thankless work....other than how it makes me feel adn it is so right to do so.........which is stronger.........dont be down.....heres a hug from me to you.....talk to your bf be honest with how you feel.....total honesty....BUT face this girl on your own terms..face your boyfriend too....not aggressively but with honesty and respect.......my spirit goes with you...its a battle scarred one that cant be beaten...stand up for yourself....others then stand beside you...and if they dont....god always will..(((((hugs)))))))deb 1
ddlovexx Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Hard truth: If it matters to you, if it bothers you, if something impacts you in any way... it should matter to him. He is shrugging off your feelings. Even if he doesn't want to, if the holiday is important to you he should respect it. He should always stand up for you. My ex's friends would always joke around with me and I have a thick skin, but sometimes they would say things and I would look at him and go "they crossed the line, not gonna say anything?" And it's BS really... I have a thick skin and actually, in public, had said "Thank babe. Thanks for defending me. You're not my boyfriend or anything." There's a line and even so, he should always want to defend your honor- joke or not. So in short, you are right to feel this way about it. Talk to him, if nothing changes, he's not worth it. There are guys out there who would climb a mountain for you. 1
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