Boyfriend Didn't Stand Up For Me--Dealbreaker?

[Galaxias]

Please note: my boyfriend is generally a wonderful, thoughtful, caring man who really honestly seems to be trying to make me feel happy and secure. So much so, though, that it makes it almost worse when he does behave in a way that seems indifferent or uncaring. It's just so unexpected that it hurts twice as much and I don't know where it's coming from or how to handle it. It kind of makes me wonder which is real?

 

For example, he doesn't like holidays. Fair enough, you say. But it's like he doesn't even care what, if anything, I'm going to be left doing, or with who. If he doesn't have any interest in the day, then I'm on my own, sometimes without even any warning. (Try figuring out what to do for New Year's last minute...)

 

Recently, his friend's girlfriend disrespected me (at least it felt like it to me) and I mentioned it to him. He expressed sympathy and I felt pretty good about it and didn't worry much more about it. Then, I saw him over where his friend and his girlfriend were, and she had her hand on his shoulder and he was talking to them like nothing...then, as they were leaving, she said goodbye to him and ignored me, and he didn't do or say anything about it.

 

I know that maybe I am/was overreacting, but it really really made me feel betrayed. Like I told him this person was being rude to me, and it felt like at the end of the day he didn't care and he didn't do a thing about it. I didn't do anything about it myself because they're his friends and I didn't want to make him look bad. Go figure.

 

But now I feel doubly disrespected, and alone, and just flat out betrayed. I'm trying to put it in perspective, I'm trying to get over myself, but it just feels bad. Really bad.

 

I don't want to be sulking or pouting or going on and on about it, but for some reason this really hit close to home and to stuff I've told him is really important for me not to feel. He's so perfect in so many other ways...what gives with this?

[Barnacle-Bob]

Yes. You should break up with the guy for not body slamming the girl for doing something that you perceived to be disrespectful. That's perfectly rational. In fact, it probably means he's banging her or at least wants to.

 

Another explanation could be that he listened to you recanting how she slighted you, analyzed it and determined that you probably overreacted and didn't feel the need to create drama over nothing.

[dichotomy]

This don't even sound close to him letting someone disrespect you, but it does sound like this other female has a bug up her rear about your.

 

... Have some fun with it (her) next time, standup to her. you know the woman catty thing - hey "female name" HOW ARE you (big smile) light hug, so good to see one of my man's friends, isn't he awesome? or better yet, get a little chummy with her boyfriend... put your hand on his shoulder.

Edited March 26, 2013 by dichotomy

[ltjg45]

For example, he doesn't like holidays. Fair enough, you say. But it's like he doesn't even care what, if anything, I'm going to be left doing, or with who. If he doesn't have any interest in the day, then I'm on my own, sometimes without even any warning. (Try figuring out what to do for New Year's last minute...)

 

I don't generally care much for holidays because I never was raised to actually "enjoy" them. My Thanksgiving is boring, My Christmas is empty, I don't do anything of note on Independence Day, and New Year's is just another way of saying, "A new year for bad misfortunes to happen. Yay?".

 

Also, I hate when my birthday comes up because the only thing I get out is it is that I'm 1 year closer to the day of my death. Are you sure we are supposed to be celebrating this?

 

Recently, his friend's girlfriend disrespected me (at least it felt like it to me) and I mentioned it to him. He expressed sympathy and I felt pretty good about it and didn't worry much more about it. Then, I saw him over where his friend and his girlfriend were, and she had her hand on his shoulder and he was talking to them like nothing...then, as they were leaving, she said goodbye to him and ignored me, and he didn't do or say anything about it.

 

I know that maybe I am/was overreacting, but it really really made me feel betrayed. Like I told him this person was being rude to me, and it felt like at the end of the day he didn't care and he didn't do a thing about it. I didn't do anything about it myself because they're his friends and I didn't want to make him look bad. Go figure.

 

But now I feel doubly disrespected, and alone, and just flat out betrayed. I'm trying to put it in perspective, I'm trying to get over myself, but it just feels bad. Really bad.

 

I don't want to be sulking or pouting or going on and on about it, but for some reason this really hit close to home and to stuff I've told him is really important for me not to feel. He's so perfect in so many other ways...what gives with this?

 

Perhaps he really do think you are making too much of a big deal out of this. I know females tend to be a lot more emotional when it comes to things like this but to the males, it is about as meaningless as it gets.

 

I don't think he has ignored your complaints (even though that is possible). He just doesn't put much value into it. He is not going to start causing problems over something that may be borderline offensive.

 

If you can, tell me what was being said that bugs you. Something tells me you are overreacting in the end.

[Galaxias]

Fair enough, and I've thought (or tried to think) about it that way. The only thing is, I will probably have to see these people a lot, and so this is going to happen every time they're around?

 

Also, honestly, if your girlfriend's friend was rude or disrespectful to you and you mentioned it to her, and then you saw this guy with his hands on her and then saying goodnight to her and still ignoring you, AND your girlfriend just ate it up, would you feel happy or comfortable? Especially knowing that you were going to have to be seeing this guy around her again?

 

I can take my licks and deal with a lot of crap. But, for some reason, this just made me feel bad. Plain and simple. And he did nothing about it whatsoever. If it had been me, I would have tried to "reintroduce" them, I would have asked him to walk over with me when I went to talk to my friends, I would have ignored the guy being rude to him, or whatever. No drama needed, just a little social finesse (which I know him to be good at, otherwise).

 

Now I'm kind of in the position of being that girl that they were rude to, they saw that my boyfriend didn't care, and now I get to feel like no one's got my back?

 

Because what's bothering me most is not that some ho was rude to me.

 

What's bothering me most is that my boyfriend, even though I had said this particular silly thing was important to me, apparently didn't give a sh*t.

[Galaxias]

This don't even sound close to him letting someone disrespect you, but it does sound like this other female has a bug up her rear about your.

 

... Have some fun with it (her) next time, standup to her. you know the woman catty thing - hey "female name" HOW ARE you (big smile) light hug, so good to see one of my man's friends, isn't he awesome? or better yet, get a little chummy with her boyfriend... put your hand on his shoulder.

 

 

It does, right? I even asked my boyfriend if they had maybe dated before, or if they had wanted him to be dating someone else, or if they were friends with his ex or something, because believe me, for me to feel disrespected, it's got to be pretty blatant. I mean, she was just flat out rude to me.

 

But, like I said, I didn't want any drama. I just wanted (want) to feel like he had my back. And he didn't. And it hurts.

[Barnacle-Bob]

Why don't you tell us what she did so we can make an educated evaluation of the events?

[Treasa]

Some people really hate confrontation. If someone were to say something disrespectful to my best friend, I'd be all over that **** before my friend would even get a chance. I wouldn't be screaming, but I'd quickly put that crap down. By the same token, if I'm not around, or if I'm not certain if it was a slight, I'm going to let him handle it.

 

Maybe you could take the girl aside and express how you feel and say something like, "I'm certain you didn't mean it like this (smile), but when this happened, it made me feel xyz." And then see how she responds.

 

Ultimately, if you're really being disrespected, maybe this relationship isn't right for you.

[Mint Sauce]

I'd say he was either very insensitive (but I don't really believe that), or he decided he'd rather stay friendly with that woman instead of backing you up.

 

I wouldn't accept it. And I'm a guy.

[ltjg45]

Why don't you tell us what she did so we can make an educated evaluation of the events?

 

Pretty much this.

 

Once we know this, I can give you my opinion on how I would respond to this myself.

 

It would give the OP something to work off of.

[Galaxias]

I don't generally care much for holidays because I never was raised to actually "enjoy" them. My Thanksgiving is boring, My Christmas is empty, I don't do anything of note on Independence Day, and New Year's is just another way of saying, "A new year for bad misfortunes to happen. Yay?".

 

Also, I hate when my birthday comes up because the only thing I get out is it is that I'm 1 year closer to the day of my death. Are you sure we are supposed to be celebrating this?

 

 

 

Perhaps he really do think you are making too much of a big deal out of this. I know females tend to be a lot more emotional when it comes to things like this but to the males, it is about as meaningless as it gets.

 

I don't think he has ignored your complaints (even though that is possible). He just doesn't put much value into it. He is not going to start causing problems over something that may be borderline offensive.

 

If you can, tell me what was being said that bugs you. Something tells me you are overreacting in the end.

 

 

 

I do understand about holidays, I really do. What had bothered me about that was the total lack of interest in what that would represent for me on a day that most people are enjoying with their loved ones (I don't really have any family to speak of).

 

As far as what was being said, actually nothing was being said. This was a person who was actively ignoring me, as in literally turning her head away as I walked by, and then actively seeking him out and putting her hand on him and then pointedly saying goodnight to him and glaring at me. Lol, sounds silly I know, but like I said, she can totally go hang...it's his reaction (or lack thereof) that's bothering me. I understand that it might seem like I'm overreacting, but bear in mind that this is something that for whatever reason I had already indicated to him was a trigger for me.

 

If you told someone that watching Nascar made you depressed or whatever, and they kept watching Nascar anyway, wouldn't you feel like they weren't hearing you on what was important to you? (Ridiculous analogy, I know, but I'm just trying to express what it is that's truly bothering me.)

[Treasa]

Regarding the holidays, maybe you should make friends with people who do like to celebrate them, and then make plans with those people and don't even mention them to your boyfriend. Just do your own thing.

 

Regarding this girl ignoring you, I guess you have to figure out what's more important to you, your boyfriend, or being in a drama-free zone. Unless I had married the guy (and I'd never marry someone who didn't have my back), I'd leave. He isn't going to change how this girl thinks or feels. All you can control is your own reaction to it.

[Mint Sauce]

he's using it in a power game with you? How long have you been an item? Any chance he could benefit from you being somewhat jealous?

[Treasa]

I don't expect you to actually take this advice, but the next time she gets touchy feeling with him, ask (in the presence of her boyfriend), "Hey so-and-so, I see you're really into boyfriend's name. Want to have a threesome, baby?" And then leer at her.

 

I PROMISE you that she will not ignore this. And it would honestly be funny as hell. Only do this is you're planning on breaking up with the guy, though.

[Galaxias]

Been together for nearly a year.

 

Btw, thank you for the replies, I really am trying to get over myself and I promise, promise, promise, that I'm not trying to create drama where there is none.

 

It's just that when I mentioned the situation to my boyfriend, he even said, wow, for YOU to mention it it must be pretty bad (because like I said, I can take a lot of crap).

 

So he KNEW it was something that for whatever reason had bothered me. And then he walks over and chats with them like nothing and lets her put her hand on him and continue doing that?? Wow. I mean like he couldn't tell what was going on??? I mean, this guy cries at Hallmark commercials...TELL me he's just a regular old insensitive guy? Really??

 

Yeah, I'm thinking of just telling him that I had tried to avoid any drama in the matter because of his business association with these people, but since he doesn't seem to like confrontation and he doesn't seem inclined to have my back, I will just deal with the situation as I see fit to ensure that I am respected. Lol, maybe try Treasa's suggestion!!

 

In the meantime, though, I am very disappointed in what I thought was a really cool guy...

[Cutiepie1976]

If you feel disrespected and as if he's not meeting your needs, take a hard look at whether he's the right guy for you. You sound like a poor fit together.

Edited March 26, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[ltjg45]

I do understand about holidays, I really do. What had bothered me about that was the total lack of interest in what that would represent for me on a day that most people are enjoying with their loved ones (I don't really have any family to speak of).

 

I can understand your concerns on that. While I never had much of an appreciation for holidays, it is a different thing altogether when it comes to being with a woman that has experienced such things and wants to continue doing so.

 

You may need to bring that up with him and you need to stand your ground. If he really likes you, he should have little issue actually being with you during those special days.

 

I know I would.

 

If not, then perhaps you need to end the relationship because that is one compromise that should be relatively easy to meet. After all, who doesn't want to have fun with others on a nationally-celebrated holiday as opposed to staying at home?

 

As far as what was being said, actually nothing was being said. This was a person who was actively ignoring me, as in literally turning her head away as I walked by, and then actively seeking him out and putting her hand on him and then pointedly saying goodnight to him and glaring at me. Lol, sounds silly I know, but like I said, she can totally go hang...it's his reaction (or lack thereof) that's bothering me. I understand that it might seem like I'm overreacting, but bear in mind that this is something that for whatever reason I had already indicated to him was a trigger for me.

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Perhaps she just doesn't like you for whatever reason that may be. Heck, she could be jealous that you got the man that she wanted all along and is trying to get herself into the running to get him herself.

 

Just something to keep in mind.

 

If she wants to ignore you, you should do the same and keep your relationship strong among one another. Making an issue out of this, which is really nothing since he's exclusive with you and you both know it, will actually scare him away.

 

If you told someone that watching Nascar made you depressed or whatever, and they kept watching Nascar anyway, wouldn't you feel like they weren't hearing you on what was important to you? (Ridiculous analogy, I know, but I'm just trying to express what it is that's truly bothering me.)

 

Well, if watching Nascar means a lot to that person and you have a general disinterest in it, you both needs to come to a compromise.

 

In this case, you could just go out with your friends during the day that he wants to watch Nascar. It's not like both of you need to be up close and personal all day every day anyway.

 

Asking him to stop doing a hobby that he's passionate about and truly makes him who he really is just for your benefit is a bit selfish and can easily scare him away.

 

It's really no different than asking my girlfriend to stop drinking casually once every week because I'm a non-drinker.

[Keenly]

What I'm seeing is a problem being created where there is none. You aren't telling us what happened.

If this is REALLY the kind of thing you are going to get mad and bothered about then just let him go so he can find a less high maintenance woman. Your NASCAR analogy is bogus. You expect that person to stop watching NASCAR just because you are around ? Or you could leave the room.. .

Edited March 26, 2013 by Keenly

[clia]

I do understand about holidays, I really do. What had bothered me about that was the total lack of interest in what that would represent for me on a day that most people are enjoying with their loved ones (I don't really have any family to speak of).

 

If you really like the holidays, you really, really need to think about whether this is the right guy for you. There are a kajillion men out there who love holidays -- maybe you should be with one of them. You do realize this is how it will be for the rest of your life if you stay with him, right? He has a lack of interest in the holidays and activities on those days because he doesn't like them -- it has nothing to do with you. He probably expects that you will find your own things to do if you want to do holiday type activites. I get it -- I don't care for the holidays a whole lot, either.

 

As far as what was being said, actually nothing was being said. This was a person who was actively ignoring me, as in literally turning her head away as I walked by, and then actively seeking him out and putting her hand on him and then pointedly saying goodnight to him and glaring at me. Lol, sounds silly I know, but like I said, she can totally go hang...it's his reaction (or lack thereof) that's bothering me. I understand that it might seem like I'm overreacting, but bear in mind that this is something that for whatever reason I had already indicated to him was a trigger for me.

 

This just sounds so silly to me. So what if she was ignoring you? So what if she didn't say goodbye to you? Not all of your boyfriend's girlfriends are going to like you. She doesn't have to like you. She doesn't have to make small talk if she doesn't want to, or say hellor or goodbye to you. Obviously I wasn't there, so maybe there was more to it, but maybe you should just try to be the bigger person and ignore it.

 

In your ideal world, what should your boyfriend have done?

[ChessPieceFace]

If a girl has got his hands on your guy, and is disrespecting you, she might be going after him. Don't care if she's someone's GF or not.

 

For that reason and for the reason of her being a B%#@# to you, I would find a way to either have you and him not be around her anymore, and/or express your concerns to your BF. You should be talking to him about this, not us.

[KatZee]

Honestly this is an issue for me as well. My ex pulled this same stunt.

 

His girl friends would disrespect me right to my face. They would whisper behind their hands right in my face. Smirk at me, roll their eyes, give me dirty looks... and for NO REASON other than the fact they held a "loyalty" to his ex girlfriend. (What are we in junior high school?!)

 

Anyway, I would tell him these things. Tell him what I heard was being said about me. Hell one night one of the girls made a bet with the rest of the girls as to when he was going to dump me. It was literally so disgusting what I was surrounded by.

 

My ex didn't do a damn thing. He just would shrug and be like, "Well I can't control my friends. I'm not saying it's right, but what am I supposed to do?"

 

Oh I don't know... tell your friends to stop being a.ssholes to me?! SAY something? He was too much of a p.ussy to ever rock the boat with his friends. He said things like, "I hate drama. Just ignore them."

 

It made me feel like a pile of s.hit and as if I never had anyone in my corner or on my side. Needless to say, that relationship DID NOT work out. I don't see how anyone who acts like this is marriage material. A serious relationship is someone who is your partner who supports you and has your back. Not someone who sits back so passively and lets people treat you like garbage.

[charlietheginger]

His friends are jealous of you it easy to see

you have to understand

they knew him first

[indija]

Yeah, I get that the guy isn't into celebrating holidays, but I'm thinking he should've told her that, then. Not just leave her hanging when the normal thing would be that they're doing something together. Maybe they just need to communicate better, like "what do you normally do for Flag Day" or whatever?

 

As far as the rude b#@% (cuz it did seem kinda like she was going out of her way to be rude), I think what's pissing the OP off isn't so much the rude b#$%, but the way her boyfriend had no problem with it, even though she told him it bothered her. I mean, if MY boyfriend went over and talke to some woman who had been rude to me and even let her be touching me and stuff, I'd be so gone it wouldn't even be funny!

 

She should've left him right then and there. If he's not there for her in a simple social situation, what about if something potentially bigger happens, like his family doesn't like her or they run into one of his exes?

 

And the Nascar thing, I think OP was just using it as an example. Like, felling like he had her back was important to her, so even if he didn't think it was a big deal, he should've at least not gone out of his way to cozy up to the rude b#$%.

 

I hope things are going better for OP? Do people ever do updates?

[Roadkill007]

I don't generally care much for holidays because I never was raised to actually "enjoy" them.

Also, I hate when my birthday comes up because the only thing I get out is it is that I'm 1 year closer to the day of my death.

 

Yea, I never really celebrated holidays myself, and I never really cared much about it. My birthday, I usually don't even realize until a friend or family member tells me happy b-day. Once again, not really celebrated for most of my life, and don't really care either. Strangely enough, I still remember this one girl's birthday 0.o (yea she was special to me)

 

If I knew it meant a lot of my partner though, I would make some effort to be conscientious of the major holidays and such.

[stillafool]

To be honest with you since this was a woman who disrespected you and you are a woman it would seem that you would defend yourself and put her in her place ASAP. You would feel and be seen as a strong woman instead of one who needs her man to defend her against another woman. Now that you have let this woman get away with disrespecting you she will probably do it again. If she does please RISE to the occasion and show her what you are made of. If one of your male friends disrespected your bf and he ran to you to defend him wouldn't you be surprised and perhaps disappointed.