dudley87 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Ex who dumped me got back in contact after 2 months, i thought she prob wanted another shot at things, i popped the question and asked her what she sees me as, she said as a friend, how can sum1 who dumped you just see you as a friend all of a sudden? Is this natural? Thanks for your views
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Yes, it's natural if they didn't take you seriously. However, don't take this as a bad thing. Soon enough you'll discover other women who are better suited for you. So think of it as she doing you a favor by being friendly to you. Most likely she dumped you because you did something wrong. Like maybe you didn't give her enough attention or you were giving another girl attention. Either way, just be happy she's even agreeing to be your friend as you are most likely the one at fault for the "relationship" having fallen apart. - Edited March 26, 2013 by lovelyde
Wabisabi Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I think she meant she doesn't love you but wanna keep you close in case she couldn't find someone better so she can use you as a time filler. From my past experiences, my exes and I could only be friends after years of no contact when all of us moved on completely. Not when the break up's recent.
Thunderchild Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Yes, it's natural if they didn't take you seriously. However, don't take this as a bad thing. Soon enough you'll discover other women who are better suited for you. So think of it as she doing you a favor by being friendly to you. Most likely she dumped you because you did something wrong. Like maybe you didn't give her enough attention or you were giving another girl attention. Either way, just be happy she's even agreeing to be your friend as you are most likely the one at fault for the "relationship" having fallen apart. - You know, I don't buy into this "you did something wrong" malarkey (except if you did something like cheat or beat them up etc). No individual is responsible for the feelings of another person. Excuses such as "the spark went out/no chemistry any more" in an LTR is probably related to the overly high expectations of the dumper (possibly GIGS), or perhaps they're cheating or about to cheat. If the BU comes out of left field and blindsides someone, then look at the dumper's ability to communicate. Personally, I don't know anyone with the ability to read minds - therefore, it's up to them to communicate what they think is wrong/what they feel they need to change. If there is no improvement in the situation then opting out is the preferred path The "He's/She's not showing me enough attention" or "He/She doesn't doesn't spoil or spend enough money on me" and you might want to look at their sense of entitlement. Either way, unless they talk about what is bothering them, then the issue is with THEM not anything that you did wrong. THe concept of personal responsibility applies. If YOU think it''s broken then it's up to YOU to try to fix it. If it can't be fixed, bow out. But, don't try to blame the other person for your failings. 2
Thunderchild Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Ex who dumped me got back in contact after 2 months, i thought she prob wanted another shot at things, i popped the question and asked her what she sees me as, she said as a friend, how can sum1 who dumped you just see you as a friend all of a sudden? Is this natural? Thanks for your views Dudley - if you read these boards about "Friendship" you'll see an almost unanimous view that the dumper feels guilty. Very often it's about keeping you around in case the current relationship goes pear-shaped and you're a handy fall back/shoulder to sob on. In short, to use you as an emotional tampon. The bottom line being that they are doing it for THEIR benefit not yours. They are not doing you any favours being your "friend". Move on, find someone better. 1
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I've dumped guys before in the past. Then afterwards, after a period of time passed, tried being friends with them in order to help them find girlfriends who will better suit their needs. The original reason why I dumped guys in the first place was clearly because they did something wrong whether they know it or not. Usually if I see the guy giving anything or anyone priority over me, they aren't worthy of being my future husband. Therefore I dump them so they aren't freeloading off me anymore, because if you aren't a guy's priority, then why even bother being with such a person? If you aren't willing to make a girl priority over everything else in your life, then clearly you are wasting her time, because she could be using that time towards finding a man who'll truly treat her as his special woman whom he can shower with tender love and affection and truly make her feel loved and appreciated for the beautiful awesome loving woman that she is. True romance which sweeps her off her feet and into a wedding hall where they dance tenderly in the warm sunlight. That's a true husband. Not all these teenybopper joke of men who listen to too much pop or hip hop music these days, thinking life is all about money, career, cars and trophy wives. Those men are jokes and not true husband material. -
Simon Phoenix Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I've dumped guys before in the past. Then afterwards, after a period of time passed, tried being friends with them in order to help them find girlfriends who will better suit their needs. The original reason why I dumped guys in the first place was clearly because they did something wrong whether they know it or not. Usually if I see the guy giving anything or anyone priority over me, they aren't worthy of being my future husband. Therefore I dump them so they aren't freeloading off me anymore, because if you aren't a guy's priority, then why even bother being with such a person? If you aren't willing to make a girl priority over everything else in your life, then clearly you are wasting her time, because she could be using that time towards finding a man who'll truly treat her as his special woman whom he can shower with tender love and affection and truly make her feel loved and appreciated for the beautiful awesome loving woman that she is. True romance which sweeps her off her feet and into a wedding hall where they dance tenderly in the warm sunlight. That's a true husband. Not all these teenybopper joke of men who listen to too much pop or hip hop music these days, thinking life is all about money, career, cars and trophy wives. Those men are jokes and not true husband material. - Do you make your partner your biggest priority, or is his job just to serve you? And how are guys supposed to fix what they are doing wrong if you don't let them know your thoughts? I'm sorry, it just sounds like you think the entire relationship should be centered upon you and your fairytale notion of what you think love should be. 4
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Do you make your partner your biggest priority, or is his job just to serve you? And how are guys supposed to fix what they are doing wrong if you don't let them know your thoughts? I'm sorry, it just sounds like you think the entire relationship should be centered upon you and your fairytale notion of what you think love should be. If you think true love is a fairytale, then you got another thing coming. LOL!!! Wooo, mysterious~~~~~ Do do do do do do dooo.... yes true love does exist, you know it deep down inside. Who's the girl you can dance and have fun with? Who's the girl who doesn't mind putting input into your comments? Who's the girl who gets concerned over your well-being and health? She's worried about you because she loves you. -
Simon Phoenix Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If you think true love is a fairytale, then you got another thing coming. LOL!!! Wooo, mysterious~~~~~ Do do do do do do dooo.... yes true love does exist, you know it deep down inside. Who's the girl you can dance and have fun with? Who's the girl who doesn't mind putting input into your comments? Who's the girl who gets concerned over your well-being and health? She's worried about you because she loves you. - You didn't answer my question at all. 2
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) My true love wasn't forced to please me. He has dedicated his whole career to pleasing me. Even in his career I'm his priority. He chose to do this himself even during the times he knew I had other sex partners. Regardless, he never gave up on giving me hope to live and keep going in life, it always make sure that I'm loved and calmed down. I'd do the same for him, however this backwards society has made it hard for me to focus on the real issues of life. I'm working on it. However I'll tell you this. I'd give up my whole life savings and my life for my true love if it means he's well-off. He means so much to me. He'd think of thoughtful things to show me throughout the day. He helped me improve my foreign language skills. Everything he did at work, he had me in mind. I didn't realize it until 12 years later, even much longer before then, but looking back at his old work I came to realize that he had feelings for me and tried to express it in his work. It pained him to see all the other guys I was dating, and I even got married for a few years before getting a divorce. But he quickly saw through the dynamics of me and these other men as the shallow relationships they were and never gave up on wooing me and making me happy through his work. Perhaps he didn't think he was good enough for me, and he had some insecurities which prevented him from directly approaching me because he was afraid I'll think of him as ugly and reject him. However, about a year or so after my divorce, I messaged him playfully as he's someone who I didn't mind showing my true self to and not having a care in the world. As he had always made me feel secure and loved even at a subconscious level. To my surprise, he playfully messaged back. Don't get me wrong, this is someone I liked but I never knew he would actually consider a girl like me as a wife as I consider him as out of my league from a social standpoint. However, subconsciously something was telling me that he had something to do with me. I followed him and his work throughout the years and I had picked up on the subtle similarities between me and his work, but I always brushed it off as coincidence. In one of my dreams about 9 years ago after my first "official" boyfriend broke up with me, I had a very vivid dream, I was surprised to find him visit me in my dream to comfort me. Though he put my head against his, still he was gentlemanly and kept his boundaries in that dream. What was undeniable was, there was a feeling intimacy of intimate connection between us that I could never forget. When I woke up, I thought that the dream was just coincidence and didn't take it seriously. So I just moved on with my life by going onto another man (who of course wasn't serious about me) at the time. My true love had kept tabs on me throughout life however, though he was afraid to approach due to his raw attraction to me and insecurities regarding his looks, etc. He had a serious crush on me and still does! ^^ I love him. Now he's lovingly with me and I'm here to help others find their true love. Don't give up. You'll find your perfect man or woman, the one you were meant to be with. Some people pass away before finding their true love. Perhaps it's just a lesson, until we learn to put our egos aside and the false concepts society has placed upon us to deter us from finding our true love, we may need to repeat life again until we get it. Just study your life a bit more! ^^ Pay attention to your dreams and interpersonal relationships with others and possible leads and connections. Eventually you'll find your way to the person you were meant to be with. - Edited March 26, 2013 by lovelyde
Cogee Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Usually if I see the guy giving anything or anyone priority over me, they aren't worthy of being my future husband. Therefore I dump them so they aren't freeloading off me anymore, because if you aren't a guy's priority, then why even bother being with such a person? If you aren't willing to make a girl priority over everything else in your life, then clearly you are wasting her time, because she could be using that time towards finding a man who'll truly treat her as his special woman whom he can shower with tender love and affection and truly make her feel loved and appreciated for the beautiful awesome loving woman that she is. True romance which sweeps her off her feet and into a wedding hall where they dance tenderly in the warm sunlight. That's a true husband. Not all these teenybopper joke of men who listen to too much pop or hip hop music these days, thinking life is all about money, career, cars and trophy wives. Those men are jokes and not true husband material. I'm glad you qualified things with "usually" because there are always moments in any person's life where something takes higher priority than their loved one. To think otherwise is delusional. The degree to which you allow things to take priority is key and the cost of doing so matters, but ultimately if my partner is so strict so as to not recognize when something else in my life must be a priority over her (for a short term) then she doesn't deserve my love at all. 2
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I'm glad you qualified things with "usually" because there are always moments in any person's life where something takes higher priority than their loved one. To think otherwise is delusional. The degree to which you allow things to take priority is key and the cost of doing so matters, but ultimately if my partner is so strict so as to not recognize when something else in my life must be a priority over her (for a short term) then she doesn't deserve my love at all. This is not how my true love thinks. His priority has always been me. I think perhaps you have not come across your true love yet. When it happens, you will know what I mean. -
Cogee Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 This is not how my true love thinks. His priority has always been me. I think perhaps you have not come across your true love yet. When it happens, you will know what I mean. - I'm assuming what you consider to be "you are the priority" in life is fluid and not rigid. That you will take a stand on certain things and say "it's me or that" and on other things say "oh, what he needs to do there is really important and what I wanted is not nearly as important, so I don't mind as long as he makes it up later". Can you give an example of what you felt in a past relationship was someone not putting you as a priority which was a deal breaker? 1
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 One of my ex-boyfriend hangs out with one of his friend's wives a lot, doing errands for her, basically being at her beck and call when she's someone else's wife. So one day when he decided to go to Vegas with his friends spontaneously and didn't even bother letting me know. So I went out with a classmate in my university class while he was away in Vegas. When he came back from Vegas, our relationship was already over as I decided to be my classmate's new girlfriend. So not putting me as the priority is the deal-breaker. However, my classmate and I had a seemingly smooth relationship, however when it came time to graduate, he decided to move off to Japan without me and didn't let me know how the relationship was going to continue as I hated long distance relationships. So after giving him a good emotional as*-whooping, I dumped him. Him putting Japan as a priority over me was a deal-breaker. Later on, I met the man who was going to be my husband and he married me a year and a half later. However, I later found out that he was more of a mama's boy. When his mom wanted us to move home, she was so fierce about it, because she wanted us to run her business for her because she wanted time with her boyfriend. Also his sister is a single mother who also had her own business an also a dog, so his sister needed extra helping hands around the household. However, I didn't want to be a cheap slave to his mother and sister, as they only paid $5 per hour in Canadian dollars. They didn't want to hire regular people to work in their shops. So his mother and sister purposely caused trouble and drama in our marriage forcing him to choose between them or me. They wanted him to divorce me and marry a Vietnamese girl who'll work for them. My husband started to get real abusive to me. He'd choke and beat me over the head and would act all possessed and nasty towards me. Then he secretly took off back to Canada twice leaving me to live with a homeless man - who made moves on me but I never touched because I didn't want that kind of attention. This was during the recession and there were rounds after rounds of massive layoffs. I had to borrow a large sum of money from my brother to get back on my feet and I invited my husband back as we were already married, but I was naive at the time, watched too many Oprah shows about "salvaging the marriage", even paid for his airplane ticket because his family was crazy and held him hostage by stealing his passport an hiding it, and this is a grown man of 38 years old here. But afterwards I ran into some inheritance money, and I thought, why should I even use the inheritance money towards a man who just abuses me? So I divorced him. His abuse and running off back to Canada secretly twice was the deal-beaker. Because he put his mother and his sister as priority over me. However, my true love has always put me as a priority. He had a project at work that was dedicated to me, but his boss and co-workers saw it as too much of a hassle to work on because it was too challenging and meticulous, so they cancelled the project that was secretly dedicated to me. Do you know what he did? He got hella pissed off and threw his own production team under the bus, basically made them look like incompetent employees, then outsourced the project to another company to get it done on time- which they did get it done as quickly as possible, and now I'm a happy camper. ^^ My true love truly loves me soooo much!! He's so awesome!! ^^ -
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 That's nice for you dear. When you get home from cloud- cuckoo-Land, the key's in the flowerpot. I can see you're out to lunch, currently.....
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Ex who dumped me got back in contact after 2 months, i thought she prob wanted another shot at things, i popped the question and asked her what she sees me as, she said as a friend, how can sum1 who dumped you just see you as a friend all of a sudden? Is this natural? Thanks for your views You can never agree to a friendship with someone for whom you have deep feelings for. It can't be done, love gets in the way. You have to reach the level of Indifference to her before you can even think about going that way. She wants you as a friend, because she knows you and feels you're reliable to have around without having to make any commitment to you. It's all to comply with her convenience, not yours. Good idea to give this one a wide berth and stay No Contact.
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 This is not how my true love thinks. His priority has always been me. I think perhaps you have not come across your true love yet. When it happens, you will know what I mean.- And as he has put you on a pedestal, what do you do for him that proves he is YOUR priority, to others? What have you done for him, that has been so overwhelmingly momentous that others can be in no doubt as to where your heart lives?
McDonald Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 So I went out with a classmate in my university class while he was away in Vegas. Fighting fire with fire, always a good one. And I would porbably at one point put my family over my true love as at any moment my "true love" can walk out... but my family would never. and dated for 1 1/2 years and then married? Im sorry but Im young and would never even do such a thing.. maybe you should have waited to see if he was a mommas boy instead of jumping intoit and then realizing. This is just too unrealistic
spirius Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I keep hearing this from ladies..."I want to be put on a pedestal". My ideal relationship is one in which we mutually respect each other's goals, plans and above all that our variant lifestyles compliment one another, rather than imposing or disappointing. I've been with girls who want to be put on a pedestal and quite often they stamp their feet/cheat/leave at the point where I start thinking "hey, I'm doing all the running here..." My first three year relationship was pretty abusive. Emotionally in terms of cheating and push/pulling as well as physically (hit me with a guitar, clawing my arms etc). I eventually entered a period of 6 years no contact with her during which I was married. We got back together as a rebound to my marriage ending. It wasn't as bad this time. She had grown up alot, but it still ended. Now we text, give each other advice on love life and hang out. But I would never touch her with a barge pole and vice versa. And we have admitted in the past to always loving one another. We know we went through the world of ****e and it was terribly toxic and said goodbye to it. Now we are indifferent and are friends. Friendship with ex wife is up and down. Generally she is very good to me especially regarding our kids. I like her boyfriend (buy him xmas presents etc) and respect him as a friend for my boys. She again gives me advice and we weather the stormy periods. Latest break up, two weeks old. Any stupid stupid stupid attempts at contact made just make me wish she'd take me back even though I really should not do it! In time, I feel that will fade away when I've seen her with someone else for a while or something like that...when my WORST fears come true and don't kill me. I find it a rollercoaster. I pull back hard when the moment comes, but generally find a friend further down the line.
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 And as he has put you on a pedestal, what do you do for him that proves he is YOUR priority, to others? What have you done for him, that has been so overwhelmingly momentous that others can be in no doubt as to where your heart lives? I've been trying to figure that part out. I want to make him my priority, however, as I grew up attending a Christian school and to have a big ego, I'm having difficulties sacrificing for him at this time and figuring what I want in this life. As the trouble stems from fears that were brainwashed into me by society, media, false beliefs and religion- which to some level suppresses truth and spirituality. He, on the other hand, has a more clearer understanding of what he wants out of life. As he went through great abuse as a child, it really set priorities straight in his life. Like what really matters in life? Someone to love and care about you. To love and to hold. To cherish. It seems like many people around me are caught up in the money, luxury cars, and food survival game. They lie by saying "You gotta have a great career. You gotta have a great career. Great car, great house, great everything. Image is everything. Showing off what you have to your friends is everything. You gotta bring home the money or your gold-digging honey won't love you. Forget marriage, all women are gold-diggers. You can never find true love, so forget it- don't go for a money-sucking gold-digger. Don't even bother passing on your genes cause we elite got you squeezed for money, making you believe you don't deserve to procreate. We gonna make you growl like dogs to each other greedy for money and treat the good-hearted poor and those who earn money through hard physical labor like they're nothing, while you sit on your behind and gabble away all day, playing with virtual electronic images and numbers- milking the system without doing any physical labor." -
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I keep hearing this from ladies..."I want to be put on a pedestal". I didn't expect to be put on a pedestal. My true love automatically put me on it without me even knowing- until I noticed all his works dedicated to me later on. And when I realized all the works that were dedicated to me, my heart melted and I became soft. I had liked him, had found him to be attractive. Had admired him. However, I didn't think he'd pay any attention to me. When I finally came to realization that he had put me on a pedestal to such a huge extent, it was a surprise that I never fathomed would come. I thought they were all just coincidences. Thinking about this makes me soft-hearted even more. -
spirius Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 It's great if he is doing that and it's not imbalancing his own life too. So I take it you wouldn't dump him if he wanted to do an impromptu visit to Norway for work instead of taking you to dinner?
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I've been trying to figure that part out. I want to make him my priority, however, as I grew up attending a Christian school and to have a big ego, I'm having difficulties sacrificing for him at this time and figuring what I want in this life. As the trouble stems from fears that were brainwashed into me by society, media, false beliefs and religion- which to some level suppresses truth and spirituality. So in other words, you're a taker not a giver. How satisfying and gratifying for him. here is a woman for whom he bends over backwards and due to her upbringing, a big ego and being brainwashed (you are talking a pile of crud, you know that, don't you?) you feel you have ample excuses for not reciprocating his devotion? Nice. One of these days he's going to bend over backwards so far, he will stick his head up his own profundis and whatever he smells in there will suddenly wake him up... I hope..... Religion never taught me to have a big ego. Who taught you to have a big ego while you attended a Christian school? or are you Catholic? And you weren't 'brainwashed'. You were just fed stuff you liked so chose to believe it. No wonder you talk such fluffy-guff.... He, on the other hand, has a more clearer understanding of what he wants out of life. As he went through great abuse as a child, it really set priorities straight in his life. Like what really matters in life? Someone to love and care about you. To love and to hold. To cherish. Which according to you, you don't do in any remotely equal measure to the way he does for you. Talk about imbalance. It seems like many people around me are caught up in the money, luxury cars, and food survival game. They lie by saying "You gotta have a great career. You gotta have a great career. Great car, great house, great everything. Image is everything. Showing off what you have to your friends is everything. You gotta bring home the money or your gold-digging honey won't love you. Forget marriage, all women are gold-diggers. You can never find true love, so forget it- don't go for a money-sucking gold-digger. Don't even bother passing on your genes cause we elite got you squeezed for money, making you believe you don't deserve to procreate. We gonna make you growl like dogs to each other greedy for money and treat the good-hearted poor and those who earn money through hard physical labor like they're nothing, while you sit on your behind and gabble away all day, playing with virtual electronic images and numbers- milking the system without doing any physical labor." This is a whole pile of gumph that makes no sense, is completely unrelated to your situation, and sounds like something you cut and pasted from an online 'Life management' website.
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Well, I ain't lying to you guys. What I typed is exactly how I feel and how I can express it. Try to rationalize it? Well, that's on you ain't it? It is what it is. Simple as that. At least I'm honest about who I really am. I act like a jacka*s in real life to be honest with you. However, still trying to figure out and wade through all the lies that society has placed upon me. I'm telling you how it is. I ain't trying to manipulate the words or twist anything around. But them elites love playing games with society, they love getting society all twisted and playing their games. A lot of people are just brainwashed cattle to them. -
Recommended Posts