HitMeNow Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) This bothers me on and on and on and I can't seem to let it go. Thought writing here might help. LONG, but PLEASE READ if you have a bit of spare time. 3 years ago I met this girl called R. R was really cute goody goody girl. Timid, but excited to be with me. At the time I believed in 'free love' and having multiple partners. In a short timespan me and R started seeing each other and shortly after she fell for me. She told me she was absolutely addicted and I was honored, but wanting to keep my "beliefs" up, told her about my view on dating and love and how you can love multiple people. Whenever she'd tell me that she just wanted to see me, noone else, I would tell her that she would be able to say that only if she had many connections with other people and actually valued ours the best. Note that I was totally into R. Told her she was my primary gf and totally did bf/gf stuff with her. There was an absolute intense emotional connection that I hadn't felt with anyone else. Had it not been for my stupid "beliefs", I would have been her bf and we would have probably been happily ever after. And so I introduced R to the social scene, to drinking, to a few drugs. She absolutely enjoyed every bit of "raw pleasure" (as I call it) and started to become more social. She started seeing other guys and really loved the attention guys could give her, although she made it clear that I was "the one" all the time. After this went on for almost a year, we decided we'd give exlusivity a try. And so we did... I was absolutely faithful for a few months and budged down the partying, but her having started to enjoy the drinking and outings and attentions, didn't. We would tell each other everything and she told me how she met this guy G1, who was a good contact for parties and this other guy G2, who was a good contact for holidays, cuz he had a resort in Brazil. I was getting bothered a bit by this (for the first time in my life), but being my first time exclusive I let it go and didn't think much of it. One night out she went to an after hours and all I knew from her roommate was that a guy G3 drove her home at like 5 am. She didn't tell me anything about G3. Just said that a few guys hit on her and she turned them down. Later on she confessed to actually having given her number out to a guy that night, but still when she told me her version of the story, told me she took a cab home... I was absolutely destroyed. More so because I had been a main influence in her last year which had made her the way she was. Being really devestated by this I checked her phone one day and found out convos with G3, + the 2 others, just text-flirting... Nothing sexual, but still a lot of smilies, kisses, hugs... It was obvious the guys were hitting on her and she was going along with it. From the convo with G3, nothing could be inferred. I don't think there was anything, since he had only said "nice meeting you last night", but a doubt was still in my mind... I never confronted R about this. I just chose to think about this on my own and what I would choose. I chose to have a convo about her "partying and giving numbers out and flirting". She said she was sorry. She never gave a number out again, but nontheless in the next 3-4 months she could not give up the extensive "partying". I told her that she was indulging to much in the "raw pleasure" as I would call it. She would agree with me and some times I would see a glimpse of that shy goody goody girl I knew but then would just not stop. She surpassed me in every scale of the partying scene, be it attention from others, drinking, or occasional drugs. I chose to end things with her shortly after. This was not the girl I had fallen for. R txts me every 1-2 weeks, still sending me a picture of us, or a song that we would listen to when together and tells me how I was the one, and we were supposed to be together. I get shivers every time. I almost never answer.... She's still a party girl. I am so upset and I ABSOLUTELY HATE MYSELF for being the main influence in her becoming this party girl, pleasure seeking individual. I feel like I destroyed all the innocence in the world. All I could care about. And every week or 2 it haunts me. It haunts me so much. I don't know what to do... I am currently deeply in love with another woman, whom with I chose to be bf and gf, seeing as my previous failure in multidating... but whenever I see something even remotely similar to one of the expriences with R... whenever I see her enjoying some "raw pleasure", I can't help but think that maybe I am damaging my current woman too... And it hurts like a bitch... Edited March 26, 2013 by HitMeNow
AverageCat Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I think coming clean with R about everything you think and what you're beating yourself up for will be a really good start to recover from this. Remember the key thing here is to accept yourself and without honesty with all those who surround you the acceptance cannot be acheived. Also does your new gf know about this? Maybe talking to her will help too. Cheers,
Author HitMeNow Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks, still looking for input...
ja123 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Someone mentioned in another thread that possession and desire are mutually exclusive. In otherwords, we desire what we can't have and we do not want what we can have. Perhaps that's what's going on in your case. You didn't want her when you could've had her, so you introduced her to your "beliefs" and raw pleasure to get her off your back. Now that she bought into that, you'd somewhere wish to turn the clock back and have her (and her innocence), but you cannot, so your desire has returned and you are feeling a sense of unrequited love. Unrequited love is largely based on fantasy, placing someone on a pedastel, etc. I think you need some time to feel your emotions and grieve this loss, though, without wallowing in it. But take the time to feel and process your emotions. In addition, you might be feeling guilty over having introduced her to the party scene. But she is an adult and she decided to take it further on her own. You also might have your pride hurt because she is better at partying now than you. If you've really gotten out of the party scene, and you are looking for a deep, long-lasting love that is very reality-based (which you might have with the new girl you are seeing), then you might want to consider going NC with R. It seems that remaining in contact with her is keeping you from putting all that behind you, and moving on. Good luck. 1
Author HitMeNow Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Someone mentioned in another thread that possession and desire are mutually exclusive. In otherwords, we desire what we can't have and we do not want what we can have. Perhaps that's what's going on in your case. You didn't want her when you could've had her, so you introduced her to your "beliefs" and raw pleasure to get her off your back. Now that she bought into that, you'd somewhere wish to turn the clock back and have her (and her innocence), but you cannot, so your desire has returned and you are feeling a sense of unrequited love. Unrequited love is largely based on fantasy, placing someone on a pedastel, etc. I think you need some time to feel your emotions and grieve this loss, though, without wallowing in it. But take the time to feel and process your emotions. In addition, you might be feeling guilty over having introduced her to the party scene. But she is an adult and she decided to take it further on her own. You also might have your pride hurt because she is better at partying now than you. If you've really gotten out of the party scene, and you are looking for a deep, long-lasting love that is very reality-based (which you might have with the new girl you are seeing), then you might want to consider going NC with R. It seems that remaining in contact with her is keeping you from putting all that behind you, and moving on. Good luck. Thanks A LOT! It really helps to see the opinion of a 3rd point of view. To respond: - I never really wanted to get R off my back. I was just too concerned with my "beliefs" and would protect them at any cost. Even costing my own happiness at the time. - I don't think I feel unrequited love since she's there for me. She has asked me many times to get back with her, that she'll be a good gf, etc. i just know that my trust is gone. Also I know she has slept with "some" guys since we broke up. I can't hold her up to the standards I had once anymore. Maybe it's a bit of a double standard but it is what it is. - I also don't think my ego is hurt for her partying more than me. I was a big partier when I was a lot younger. Now that I've seen the ins and outs I am just not into the scene. It's not a competition. it's about keeping a balance. Indulging in pleasure while still keeping the rest of your life intact. -I DO FEEL GUILTY SO MUCH for introducing R to a lot of new stuff, that maybe if she hadn't been introduced (or introduced by me, who she obviously was following at the time), maybe she would have been different at this point in her life. I feel like because of the high emotions and standards she viewed me in, she would have followed me anywhere and I feel like I failed her so much. I am in NC with R. She however knows my phone# and can send me messages on facebook. So she messages me although I never reply.... Again I am sure I am over it as I would never dream of getting back with her... but I guess that feeling of nostalgia of something we once had or 'could have had' is still there. I am really thinking of actually sending her a message explaining pretty much everything I say in here. And apologize... and maybe that will give me some kind of rest... Thanks a lot for chatting it up with me! 1
ja123 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If you do really love R then, as the other poster said, why not talk to her? I don't know if she'll give up partying for you (as raw pleasure is quite addictive), and perhaps you will not be able to reconcile her "lost innocence". But it might be worth talking to her once you've sorted a few things out in your head.
Author HitMeNow Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 If you do really love R then, as the other poster said, why not talk to her? I don't know if she'll give up partying for you (as raw pleasure is quite addictive), and perhaps you will not be able to reconcile her "lost innocence". But it might be worth talking to her once you've sorted a few things out in your head. I really don't think I love R... and even if I think trust is even more important than love when with someone, and that is gone out of the window. I'm actually sure I don't love R... I do love my current gf. I sometimes feel bad cuz when some song that reminds me of R plays on my ipod, I immediately get lost and she notices it, asks me what's up and what I'm thinking...
Video Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Honestly i think its going to be near impossible or you to find a woman that will allow you to do this and be able to maintain a healthy relationship. I think if you really want to have a successful relationship you need to be with her and just her. Relationships require sacrifice especially for the man. A woman wants you all to herself...most woman. Its a simple fact that you must accept if you want her to be happy. You need to set boundaries. That doesn't mean control her. Tell each other what each of you thinks is appropriate or not and agree on boundaries that you both need to follow. If she doesnt follow them then it shows a lack of respect. And as much as you love her you dont want to be with a woman that doesnt respect you. Try to tell yourself that. You deserve the best if you give her your best. I would move on to be honest with you. I know it might be hard but...i think what you need is a fresh start. If you want to keep her from cheating...simple solution. Be the man she would cheat on you with. That means listen to her, be attentive, be there for her, and dont smother her. You still need to be a challenge for her. Its up to you to keep this exciting. Woman LOVE confidence. If you stay confident and faithful and keep her coming back for more...your good to go. But its up to you to find out how to do that because every girl is different. Some want more attention than others, etc. Youll be okay! Edited March 26, 2013 by Video
AverageCat Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I am really thinking of actually sending her a message explaining pretty much everything I say in here. And apologize... and maybe that will give me some kind of rest... Do this! It will help out. Just write exactly what you wrote here. Note that this should be in no way an attempt to get her back in your life, but rather just a genuine apology. Cheers,
pbjbear Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Honestly i think its going to be near impossible or you to find a woman that will allow you to do this and be able to maintain a healthy relationship. I think if you really want to have a successful relationship you need to be with her and just her. Relationships require sacrifice especially for the man. A woman wants you all to herself...most woman. Its a simple fact that you must accept if you want her to be happy. You need to set boundaries.QUOTE] Yup. I tend to stay away from men who have histories of open relationships. They rarely are men that can date one woman for a long time and be happy about it. Some people just arent wired that way and no matter how awesome you are, you cant change it. Most women are not hippies so open relationships just dont work Im not buying this guy is currently in love with his gf. I think he likes her, but isnt really in love.
mortensorchid Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Quite honestly, I don't think there was ever a "one person" (in this story, you) who introduced me to the party scene. I too am a self described good girl who went bad at some point. But, I think for most women, as children we are disciplined more than boys are. There is this double standard that says "boys will be boys" and girls are to be more respectable. At some point, however, women break free of that. Hence this is why women go for bad boys, but that's another ballgame. As for your situation, I don't know what else to say except "it happens". It's part of the maturity process for men and women. I am also assuming that you are both in your early/mid twenties. During that time, a woman blossoms and blooms, they spread their wings and they fly. There is usually a motivating factor, and that factor is a man. And you were that man. Feel guilty about it? Well, it could have been someone else as well, it was probably inevitable. What to do now? Not much. You have to let her make and recognize her own mistakes, just like you have. Anyone who has no regrets is lying.
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