Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 What makes you say this? Based on your post, I tend to agree that you are doing something to make them lose interest. We may need more information if you really want to get to the bottom of it. Stop telling them you are interested in them so soon. You can show them you are interested by continuing to accept their dates -- provided they aren't last minute dates. Have you tried dating guys closer to your age? Is it possible that these younger guys merely view you as cougar material and simply want sex, not a relationship? What does this even mean? Are you batting your eyelashes at them from across the table? I have a feeling you aren't hiding it very well. What do you do to "act eager"? To you, maybe. To them is something entirely different. You sound attractive -- they may view you as a challenge. Then when you go out on one date and start telling them you are interested in them and giving them googly eyes, the challenge is over. They've got you. What kinds of things are you saying to them? No, they don't. It is well documented that many women actually gain interest when guys act like jerks. You are losing them anyway -- so why not try a different approach? You don't have to "play games" per se. But, it might behoove you to maintain your mystery for a little longer with these guys. It isn't playing games to hold back on revealing information. You don't have to share everything on the first few dates. Just be calm, cool, collected, light, and breezy. How long did you date him? When did you tell him you liked him? What exactly did you say? How often were you initiating calls/texts? Don't offer to drive or pay for dinner on a first date. Men like treating women to dinner. He wouldn't have bought the tickets to the show if he didn't want to spend the money; he knew it was a first date. Just take a step back and try to stop being so independent. This is hard, I know -- but men like to feed women at nice restaurants! (This is a fact.) Hi Clia... I haven't dated anyone older than me in 5 years... Not sure why.. Just sort of happens that way. Matt - 27 - found out he was married.. He lied about it... Total player Dan - 30 - found out he was a player.. Stringing 8 girls along, high-fiving his friends. Gary - 33 - met online, asked me to send him nude pictures before we even met, he got the boot after that..lol Paul - 27 - male model, triathlete, total player Chad - 31 - not sure if he was a player or not, but this was the one where I offered to pay on the date Jason 31 - lost interest right after I told him I liked him, found out he is already in a relationship, player How could I be attracting all of these players? Is it just a coincidence? I'm leaving out the guys who have been interested in me but I'm not into them. But yes, those guys still ask me out.. Note to self: How to treat the guy I'm interested in like the guy I'm not interested in?
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Awwww! That is such a sweet story. I am so happy for you. :-) You are giving me hope! It's hard to not show interest when I'm really interested though. I need to figure out how to do that. Are there any good books out there besides The Rules? I don't think that the poster above this post presented a good scenario to copy. She assumed he wasn't interested and blew him off, which intrigued him. That's not the way guys normally act. Generally, most guys would take it as a blow-off and move on.
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 I don't think that the poster above this post presented a good scenario to copy. She assumed he wasn't interested and blew him off, which intrigued him. That's not the way guys normally act. Generally, most guys would take it as a blow-off and move on. I think this only works with guys who get a lot of girls. They aren't used to being rejected.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Can you tell us about the other guys who were interested in you that you didn't like? What set apart the guys that you pursued? With all due respect, you have a truly uncanny way of going for guys who see you as nothing more than a sexual conquest. Please understand that players are free to charm, say, and do anything, because they have no intention of ever being around to fulfill whatever expectations they set to get inside you. Decent guys OTOH, have to be more circumspect in what they offer and promise you because they will still be around when promises come due. 1
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) I thought of another way of describing my situation that might help. What I was trying to say in my initial post is this: They go from thinking I'm totally out of their league to losing total attraction for me within a month or less (sometimes even within 2 weeks)!! I don't think it's a matter of being incompatible because they would still be attracted just realize we're not a match.... but this is way different. They are actually avoiding me and making themselves unavailable and acting distant and coming up with excuses not to see me. I do have a very intense personality. What I mean is... when I have romantic attraction -type feelings for someone, I think I wear that on my sleeve so to speak. It's not easy for me to hide it. I think I come off as "clingy," in my body language or something. It's so devastating because I'm not doing things that I think would make me less attractive so it's not intuitive to me. In fact I'm doing things that are intuitive to me like being sweet, complimenting them, showing attention back, returning calls, texts, messages, e-mails within 8 hours at least. I don't ever call or e-mail them more than they are e-mailing me. I don't like feeling like I'm on a pedestal so I kind of give my power away by complimenting them a lot. The last guy said to me... "if you think I'm so attractive, why didn't you ever tell me before?" I said "because I thought you were out of my league." But I really wanted to give him a compliment and make him more sure of himself, but it was also the truth. I told him how attracted I was to him and that I had liked him for a long time. He told me the same thing first, so I thought it was okay to reciprocate? I do think I have a very forward-type of personality though. I tend to go after things that I want and sometimes I wish I could be the chaser in the relationship because I think I would do so much better at that than they do. lol But maybe they don't pursue me enough because they don't like me enough or they don't like how I pursue them which makes them stop. I try not to be a pursuer but it comes natural to me. I've always done well career-wise because I go after it! I don't sit back and let things happen, I just figure out how to get them. I work in a male-dominated environment (5% women, 95% men). I am doing better than most of the men there (of course I don't say that but the awards on my desk tend to portray that). But I don't show off my awards and say things to make them feel less than. I just think it's in my personality to pursue things I want and I have a really hard time sitting back and letting a man pursue me. I feel like I'm being a loser when I do that I guess. I'm guessing this is the #1 reason guys are losing attraction for me so quickly: 1) I am too forward. 2) I have no game/mystery. 3) I don't know how to just be pursued without feeling uncomfortable. 4) I don't like it when people put me on a pedestal because it feels weird 5) I think I'm attractive and feel like I have a lot to offer, but once the guy initially approaches me, I lose all of my confidence because they always respond to me the same way after a couple of dates (distance, backing off, slow fade). 6) I am lonely and really looking for a connection with someone and maybe I put that out there somehow without saying it by returning calls, not having game, not playing hard to get. But I wish one of the guys I have dated who has rejected me would just tell me why they all of a sudden acted distant. This would solve everything because then I would know the real reason why it's happening to me. I am just guessing right now and trying to analyze behaviors and recognize patterns. Anyone know if I should ask one of my exes why they suddenly acted distant? Do you think they would give me an honest answer? Do you think they would even know why? Maybe they can't articulate why they felt a certain way??? Edited March 27, 2013 by SilverInkheart99
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Please look at the list of guys you chose to pursue! A guy who is married, in a relationship, or stringing along eight other women, is not interested in someone who's getting all emotionally attached to him. They don't want women who will go all Fatal Attraction on them because they have developed feelings. They are looking for a quick sexual conquest, who enjoys no strings attached hookups when mutually convenient. Feelings and emotional attachment are kryptonite that wreck the arrangement. If they want a relationship, they already have one! So of course they get the heck out of Dodge when you get googly-eyed and act attached! Obviously a guy who is already in a relationship or stringing along half a dozen other women isn't looking for a lovey-dovey, clingy girlfriend to stare in his eyes all night. Hi Clia... I haven't dated anyone older than me in 5 years... Not sure why.. Just sort of happens that way. Matt - 27 - found out he was married.. He lied about it... Total player Dan - 30 - found out he was a player.. Stringing 8 girls along, high-fiving his friends. Gary - 33 - met online, asked me to send him nude pictures before we even met, he got the boot after that..lol Paul - 27 - male model, triathlete, total player Chad - 31 - not sure if he was a player or not, but this was the one where I offered to pay on the date Jason 31 - lost interest right after I told him I liked him, found out he is already in a relationship, player
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 true true!!! Maybe you're right. The guys who have liked me but I didn't like them was because I wasn't physically attracted to them.... only a little bit. These other guys, I'm way more attracted too. I still want a guy that I'm super physically attracted to and excited to come home too. There has to be a guy out there who I am really attracted to but is relationship-material. But what about this: I had this dating coach tell me... "everyone is a player until they meet the one." So of course this gave me even lower self-esteem because I thought well, no one thinks I am the one. At least that's how I interpreted that statement. I am no match for a player though. I don't even know how to manipulate people and even if I did know how I would feel guilty about it and never do it. So, I don't want a player anyway... Dating sucks.... that's the conclusion!!
JackD4niels Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 You're trying too hard. Gotta agree with your coach. You cannot possibly expect a guy to drop all his flings the second he meets you. Give it some time and by the time you two are getting serious, it's about time he drops all his other hookups.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Find someone you know who can be brutally honest with you and ask them. There must be a reason. Maybe you have annoying habits. If you're that hot I don't see why you'd be driving everyone away.
outsidethebox Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) None of the stuff you're writing adds up, and your lingo reminds me more of how a guy would express things, at least with this dating stuff. You say these all these guys you chose to date over last five years are "players", yet describe them as shaking like a chihuahua and as far as I can tell only going out with you once, then evading contact with you. Yet somehow you're able to determine they are players. Ok a married guy understood, but for some reason you carefully choose these younger guys but they totally fool you and then after one date and no further contact you're able to determine they are "players" and married and in relationships yada yada. And you're totally bent on describing yourself like a puppy and asking everyone to go bad dog bad dog don't do that. And somehow being a 30's something divorcee with a child while you go after these 20 somethings doesn't even enter into it. Well, the advice is out there but doesn't make any sense to me. Edited March 27, 2013 by outsidethebox 2
jcrew11 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 true true!!! Maybe you're right. The guys who have liked me but I didn't like them was because I wasn't physically attracted to them.... only a little bit. These other guys, I'm way more attracted too. I still want a guy that I'm super physically attracted to and excited to come home too. There has to be a guy out there who I am really attracted to but is relationship-material. But what about this: I had this dating coach tell me... "everyone is a player until they meet the one." So of course this gave me even lower self-esteem because I thought well, no one thinks I am the one. At least that's how I interpreted that statement. I am no match for a player though. I don't even know how to manipulate people and even if I did know how I would feel guilty about it and never do it. So, I don't want a player anyway... Dating sucks.... that's the conclusion!! LOL, you want to marry Brad Pitt. They've got other better options than an almost 40 single mom. When you hit 45, I think you'll finally find the one.
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 None of the stuff you're writing adds up, and your lingo reminds me more of how a guy would express things, at least with this dating stuff. You say these all these guys you chose to date over last five years are "players", yet describe them as shaking like a chihuahua and as far as I can tell only going out with you once, then evading contact with you. Yet somehow you're able to determine they are players. Ok a married guy understood, but for some reason you carefully choose these younger guys but they totally fool you and then after one date and no further contact you're able to determine they are "players" and married and in relationships yada yada. And you're totally bent on describing yourself like a puppy and asking everyone to go bad dog bad dog don't do that. And somehow being a 30's something divorcee with a child while you go after these 20 somethings doesn't even enter into it. Well, the advice is out there but doesn't make any sense to me. outsidethebox: Honest feedback is exactly what I'm looking for here.... "Your lingo reminds me more of how a guy would express things." Please explain what you mean because I think I act like the guy in the relationship. But can you give me an exact reason why you thought that way? Also, "bent on describing yourself like a puppy." Please explain what you mean. You are helping me more than you know by saying honestly what you are thinking. Are you saying that I play the victim role or just looking for attention? I'm just trying to figure it out. I do have that sort of sense of humor, I make people laugh by insulting myself or saying I did this or that and then they all look at me in shock and start cracking up. It's hard to explain by typing it, but not a destructive pattern or anything like that, just my way of relating to others and making jokes about myself. Usually people just laugh it off and get that about me that I'm insulting myself out of humor. But I haven't been to humorous on here, so I'm very curious where you got that about me through what I have already typed. Maybe you are onto something here. I don't know how others are perceiving me and wouldn't care either if I wasn't getting rejected so much. I need to figure out what I am doing to scare these guys off. If it's just being the pursuer, I can easily change that behavior. I read a book on what being a pursuer in a relationship looks like and if I don't do that, then maybe I'll have more success. Thank you.
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Methinks a bridge is missing a critter... I don't know what this means, but it sounds insulting. Did you mean to insult me?
hppr Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I'm 24, but I'm sort of having the same problem as you - every guy I've been interested in has not been interested in me. Pretty common for people who are unfamiliar with relationships or how real attraction works. I'm not smoking hot but I'm told I'm cute/awesome/smart/etc. pretty often, and I do get hit on and asked out a lot by guys So you're attractive but not really hot, in other words you're average, nothing wrong with that. ... Just not by the ones I actually click with, am attracted to, and want to get to know better (which are few and far between) In other words the really hot guys don't seem to want me. I've never had a boyfriend and never even been on a date Because you ignore the guys who are truly interested in you for you. and only lost my virginity last summer when I got into a FWB situation with my boss on a seasonal job. Basically he saw how inexperienced/confused you are and manipulated you into the sack. I wish I had some advice If you want to go on dates go on dates, it's that simple.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 true true!!! Maybe you're right. The guys who have liked me but I didn't like them was because I wasn't physically attracted to them.... only a little bit. These other guys, I'm way more attracted too. I still want a guy that I'm super physically attracted to and excited to come home too. There has to be a guy out there who I am really attracted to but is relationship-material. But what about this: I had this dating coach tell me... "everyone is a player until they meet the one." So of course this gave me even lower self-esteem because I thought well, no one thinks I am the one. At least that's how I interpreted that statement. I am no match for a player though. I don't even know how to manipulate people and even if I did know how I would feel guilty about it and never do it. So, I don't want a player anyway... Dating sucks.... that's the conclusion!! LOL @ this. I didn't read the whole thread, but someone said you're 40 AND you have kids. You don't sound like someone I'd want to settle down with for more than a night (and it sounds like MANY guys out there are in agreement).
SJC2008 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 This is a tough one but I'll throw my hat into the ring! Stop dating younger men. Most men aren't going to date up when they can date 5+ years younger; It's not "fair" but it it what it is. Dont't EVER offer to pay/chip in on a 1st date! Don't do so until the 3rd date, this is the BEST advice regarding paying on dates coming from a man. Don't contact them 1st after a date let them lead. Don't play games (you haven't). Don't start initiating until after the second date AFTER her asks you out again. You say you're straitforward, independant. That's fine, you're my type for sure:) Many men may be intimdated by you and/or think you'd be overbearing or controlling OR that you don't "need" them. My answer is contradictory because I don't know you and both could be possible. Be yourself, strong, independant but let the man lead, let him plan the first few dates, let him walk in front if you know what I mean. Men like it when a woman makes him feel needed.
hppr Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 LOL @ this. I didn't read the whole thread, but someone said you're 40 AND you have kids. You don't sound like someone I'd want to settle down with for more than a night (and it sounds like MANY guys out there are in agreement). She also says that she goes for younger guys, if this thread is to be believed. So yeah not exactly a mystery...
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 This is a tough one but I'll throw my hat into the ring! Stop dating younger men. Most men aren't going to date up when they can date 5+ years younger; It's not "fair" but it it what it is. Dont't EVER offer to pay/chip in on a 1st date! Don't do so until the 3rd date, this is the BEST advice regarding paying on dates coming from a man. Don't contact them 1st after a date let them lead. Don't play games (you haven't). Don't start initiating until after the second date AFTER her asks you out again. You say you're straitforward, independant. That's fine, you're my type for sure:) Many men may be intimdated by you and/or think you'd be overbearing or controlling OR that you don't "need" them. My answer is contradictory because I don't know you and both could be possible. Be yourself, strong, independant but let the man lead, let him plan the first few dates, let him walk in front if you know what I mean. Men like it when a woman makes him feel needed. SJC2008: Thank you for your honesty. Yes, I always tend to do the leading. I don't know why I can't just let them lead. I want them to feel like the man in the relationship. Ooh I think I just had an insight... The last real relationship I had with a guy I dated for 6 months (this was 5 years ago) pretty much conquered me on every level and broke up with me and told me he never loved me. He said I was just a rebound. Maybe all of this stems from being afraid of someone taking my power away and being fiercely independent is my defense mechanism. Thanks!!!!
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 She also says that she goes for younger guys, if this thread is to be believed. So yeah not exactly a mystery... Not sure why you would say "if this thread is to be believed?" I wish I was making this **** up! I wish I had an answer to all of this, but if I knew I wouldn't be here asking for help.
outsidethebox Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) outsidethebox: Honest feedback is exactly what I'm looking for here.... "Your lingo reminds me more of how a guy would express things." Please explain what you mean because I think I act like the guy in the relationship. But can you give me an exact reason why you thought that way? Also, "bent on describing yourself like a puppy." Please explain what you mean. You are helping me more than you know by saying honestly what you are thinking. Are you saying that I play the victim role or just looking for attention? I'm just trying to figure it out. I do have that sort of sense of humor, I make people laugh by insulting myself or saying I did this or that and then they all look at me in shock and start cracking up. It's hard to explain by typing it, but not a destructive pattern or anything like that, just my way of relating to others and making jokes about myself. Usually people just laugh it off and get that about me that I'm insulting myself out of humor. But I haven't been to humorous on here, so I'm very curious where you got that about me through what I have already typed. Maybe you are onto something here. I don't know how others are perceiving me and wouldn't care either if I wasn't getting rejected so much. I need to figure out what I am doing to scare these guys off. If it's just being the pursuer, I can easily change that behavior. I read a book on what being a pursuer in a relationship looks like and if I don't do that, then maybe I'll have more success. Thank you. You speak of player and having game and whatnot at a level that I would expect from some guy (and that a jaded expectation). It's almost like being on a bball court with pickup games. It's hard to picture a woman talking that way about failed dating relationships, but you've obviously looked into the issues in more depth than I have and use the lingo more readily than me I guess. As you've clearly given a lot of thought to this, you've determined that there is a subtle indication in your behavior that drives the men you chose away after meeting you. Your not sure exactly what it is so you toss out some of your ideas but they mostly are you acting like a "I'm so glad to see you" puppy and helpfully offer many examples of it, practically asking us to say bad doggie, don't act like that and that will fix your dating problems. There are so many things wrong with this. First of all a guy doesn't say to himself "gee, she sure was friendly, I'm just not interested if she's going to make goo goo eyes at me". I don't care how many people tell you that being cool and mysterious will fix your problems, a guy doesn't go no contact on a hot date because she was too friendly. All the stuff about gaining and retaining interest in the short and long term apply, but that isn't grounds for avoiding any more communications with you. They will want to see how far the friendliness will go for starters. Especially players if you will. No, there is only one thing that explains consistent no contact behavior to me, and something you didn't address when I asked earlier. And that's that they found out you were a little older than they thought and had a kid which they didn't know about and they saw themselves being eyed as replacement daddy. That's avoiding further contact material. Guaranteed. Every time for five years. You didn't address it, but if your response is, yes, all those guys knew I was six years older and divorced and had a child, which quite frankly I don't believe these guys in their twenties knew that, but if you say they did, then it has to do with finding it was much more intense with you than they thought and wanted no part of it. But my thought has always been they found out that and more about age and child in first date and that of course will equal avoiding further contact to keep from hurting you by saying no, don't want to go out again, etc. Now how to fix? Date guys that are more in your circumstances, know your circumstances, and may not pursue it but won't be because they're not ready to be a father to your child or you're too friendly and that nonsense. Edited March 28, 2013 by outsidethebox 1
jcrew11 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I think you are too superficial. These are "hot guy" flings that you find passion in, but they burn bright but burn out quickly. You sound blonde enough to sleep with a few times, but too old for a young guy to "spend the rest of his life with in monogamy." Find men with shared hobbies that solidify the relationship. If you jsut base the relationship on looks and sex, then they can easily replicate that in other women. Try dating other single dads who are tired of juggling women and want to just find one woman.
jcrew11 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I feel like women often are ignorant of the "paradox of choice" - just because a Hot Girl can snag a guy and keep a guy on a leash when she is 18 years old, doesn't mean it will happen at age 35. Sure, its great to be in love and monogamous. But the reality is that we are Alone. Most men understand they are capable of surviving as single bachelors, and face daily rejection from women. I think women of all ages just Blindly Believe that they deserve to have a Husband by her side for the rest of her life. The Default relationship status is Singledom, and until you learn to be happy with yourself without "Needing a Man to keep you happy" - then someone will come along and want to join you because you're "happy and have your act together." But there is no such thing as "Deserving to Be Married" just because the fairy tale books say a girl needs a husband for survival. 1
SJC2008 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 SJC2008: Thank you for your honesty. Yes, I always tend to do the leading. I don't know why I can't just let them lead. I want them to feel like the man in the relationship. Ooh I think I just had an insight... The last real relationship I had with a guy I dated for 6 months (this was 5 years ago) pretty much conquered me on every level and broke up with me and told me he never loved me. He said I was just a rebound. Maybe all of this stems from being afraid of someone taking my power away and being fiercely independent is my defense mechanism. Thanks!!!! Yeah you may be guarded, that sucks that you were a rebound. Alsi, it's hard to find balance in a relationship, one usually wears the pants the majority of the time. I also need to point something out that I missed earlier. You mentioned you need to be super attracted to someone, I mean come on now. Sure I'd love to have a woman with Beyonces face and proportions but trust me, as long as there is a decent amount of attraction I'm happy. You may want to shoot a point or two lower. 1
Author SilverInkheart99 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Interesting! I definitely deserve to have my dream guy just like you deserve to have your dream girl, doesn't mean it's guaranteed to happen though. I am definitely seeking it though. I am learning to be happy alone, but holidays and birthdays are the worst. I have everything in my life figured out but this!... Just wish I could understand it and feel successful at it. I think success in the dating world can be achieved because this is how I define it for me: To not kill the man's desire for me by making a "dating" mistake. If he loses desire for me due to incompatibility then fine, no big deal. But if I'm sabotaging my love life due to making dating mistakes, then I need to get that in check. I don't want to be 60 years old with 10 cats! Lol
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