What am I doing Wrong?

[SilverInkheart99]

Okay so I know you don't know me, but if you could analyze my situation and help me out, I could possibly figure out why I keep getting rejected. Once they finally text or call again like 2 weeks later after not showing interest/not calling/not texting, that's when I end it. It's like a slow-fade that happens within less than a month.

 

I am 5'9" weigh 137 pounds, fit, have a good-paying job in a technical field, single parent, 37, blonde hair, blue eyes, bubbly personality, and am told that I am the hot chick at my work where there are approximately 2000+ people working there. I have been rejected by every guy who I have liked who has asked me out for the last 5 years!

 

I have been waiting for my Mr. Right and have not slept with any of these guys. I have been waiting for 5 years now because I get too emotionally attached if I have sex with someone and so I'm waiting to be with the right one... At least someone who really likes me for me and not out for just sex.

 

This doesn't seem to help me in my dating quest. I feel like I'm scaring them off. I do tell them I'm interested in them after the first date and the guys I like are 6 years younger than me. I do give them googly eyes because I'm a hopeless romantic. I do act eager but try to hide it. But even though I tell them I'm attracted to them or interested in them, it doesn't mean the challenge is over in my mind. I am just letting them know how I feel at this moment in time. Don't they understand that if they start acting like a jerk, I'm going to lose interest? Why is it never okay to show interest? I would love to go out with a guy who I was really attracted too and acted just like me, but it doesn't exist... Everyone just wants to play games and I don't know how! I feel like if I play games I'm going to lose them.

 

If I have a lot to offer, why should I have to play games? If I have a lot to offer, why do they just want to get in my pants! My self-esteem has taken a real dive and every time it happens the wound gets deeper! Is it wrong to be looking for a relationship? I am lonely and would really like to find companionship. Maybe sending this vibe out into the universe is what is ruining it and guys sense it and they freak out! I never say this out loud of course.

 

I do want honest feedback even if it sucks/hurts.

 

The latest one: He approached me with a ton of interest, shaking, nervous, sweaty, etc. Tells me how much he likes me, I said it back, then he started the slow-fade as usual. Last guy back in December, shaking, nervous asks me out, go on date, I offer to drive and pay for dinner because he bought us tickets to an expensive show, then he starts the slow-fade. Why do men interpret a girl offering to pay on a date as not quality?.. Seems like it would be quite the opposite. They always seem like they are avoiding me and start acting distant.

[SilverInkheart99]

I forgot to mention that none of these dating relationships has lasted longer than a month in the last 5 years!

[Caryopteris]

I have a boyfriend who is hotter than me. I got his interest by accidentally being interesting. I wasn't trying to do this. I had been on-line dating a lot, and an old-boyfriend was trying to win me back, and it was my busy season, and I just didn't bother this new guy or answer his texts or calls quickly. I was sure he was just playing me and dating lots of women that he wasn't admitting to. In fact, he did have some relationships that were winding down. But all the others had disappointed him, and I was the one who was mysterious and had his interest. Then I just decided I was wasting my time with him and broke up with him, but I kept talking to him. So I confused him and got him addicted. When I realized I did want him and I had accidentally gotten him addicted, I was amazed because this never happens to me. We have been together over 2 years and we are both smitten.

 

I don't know why your way doesn't work, but it doesn't seem to.

[SilverInkheart99]

Awwww! That is such a sweet story. I am so happy for you. :-)

 

You are giving me hope!

 

It's hard to not show interest when I'm really interested though. I need to figure out how to do that. Are there any good books out there besides The Rules?

[Avulare]

I'm 24, but I'm sort of having the same problem as you - every guy I've been interested in has not been interested in me. I'm not smoking hot but I'm told I'm cute/awesome/smart/etc. pretty often, and I do get hit on and asked out a lot by guys... Just not by the ones I actually click with, am attracted to, and want to get to know better (which are few and far between). I've never had a boyfriend and never even been on a date, and only lost my virginity last summer when I got into a FWB situation with my boss on a seasonal job.

 

I wish I had some advice, but I'm in the same boat you are. It's a bit of a relief to see I'm not alone in dealing with this though!

[kassy]

I'd ask a good male friend who will tell you the truith what you are doing wrong. Maybe you come across as desperate? I don't know just throwing ideas out there.

 

Have you tried OLD?

 

I don't think playing games is the way forward personally.

 

Also, on the sex thing... I'm a chick, I'm not overly promiscuous. I don't do one night stands, have usually slept with guys when we are in a relationship. But if I started dating a guy and he said no sex before marriage I'd leave. I'm not only in a relationship for sex at all, but it is a really important part of a relationship. So what is your stance on sex? None before marriage? None till a relationship? It wasn't clear to me. It could be part of the problem. I'm not saying change your stance, but maybe you need to communicate what your position is better to men, because you didn't convey it well in your post

[Barnacle-Bob]

You don't have a bunch of unicorn figurines and pillows and posters and snow globes and placemats and calendars in your house, do you?

 

In reality (and its a horrible thing guys do), they probably realize you have a kid or the reality that you have a kid sets in, and they back off.

[SilverInkheart99]

Good question... I don't tell them anything up front about having sex or not having sex, I just keep it to myself. But my plan is to wait until I'm with someone who shows signs of being really interested in me. I think about 2-4 months is a good time to wait to be more sure of their intentions.

[SilverInkheart99]

Barnacle-bob... That was friggin hilarious! No, I don't but am I giving off that impression?

 

Which part gave that impression?

 

Would someone who already has a kid get turned off by the fact that I have a kid?

[lovelyde]

Hi SilverInkheart99,

 

 

Any guy who truly loves you won't care about your past.

 

 

Is there any guy you see yourself with in the future? Not necessarily in a lover sense yet, but someone you see as having given you hope to live into the future?

 

 

It may sound like a far shot, but that person who gets inspired by you and made great leaps for you is most likely your soulmate.

 

 

He may be in a dead-end marriage where there there was never any passion or true love, but married for social reasons for the sake of face.

 

 

Like if you had only a short time to live, who would you be most grateful for when it comes to a man (not family blood-related)? If this man died, would you go to his funeral and pay your utmost respect? He most likely created something that you hold dearly to, that influenced you tremendously and made you appreciate life. Go seek him and let him know that you love him. He may have appeared in your dreams to comfort you, and the dream would be vivid and easy to remember.

 

 

 

-

[Malia25]

I've been on the receiving end of the reject button quite a few times as of late, so I get what you're feeling. I was never ever(!!) the insecure girl who would question why guys didn't want her. Instead, I'd question what was wrong with THEM to not want someone as awesome/cute as I am. But lately, that horrendous thing called insecurity has been paying me a visit - and I hate it. It's so ugly! It's to the point that I just don't want to date or meet anyone at all...not until I build my once high self-esteem back up. Dating is the devil. >.< LOL

 

Silverink, to be honest - I think you MAY give out the "desperate" vibe, but with guys these days, any little comment or action can be conveyed as desperate. This gives them the excuse to run away like little wussies! Sometimes, when we want something so much (i.e. a relationship), we tend to say things prematurely or do things too genuinely - and that scares 'em away. They pick up on that eagerness and instead of embracing it (don't blame them), they push it away. Just go into all new ventures with no expectations. I know that's hard, but it saves your heart a lot of achin'. You know, just be a bad bad *bleep*. I am Woman, Hear Me Roar type mentality!! ;}

[amy12]

Wow, this is surprising to hear! When a guy gets super nervous I just think he's...super nervous. A guy says he likes you...what are you supposed to do when you're nervous yourself but say it back? I just see that as a confirmation, not saying let's go get married. I think the guy is reading too much into it...most girls would probably say they like him to get him to stop worrying about if they do....and then take it one step at a time. Simple. Stress free.

[Weezy1973]

You guys are over analyzing this stuff way too much. Men are not nearly so complicated.

 

If a man is fading it's because he's lost interest. He doesn't think you're compatible; that's it. I understand it can be confusing because the way men work is that their initial attraction to someone is almost purely physical. So basically if a man thinks you're physically attractive he will "like" you almost immediately. As you get to know each other that attraction can go up or down depending on how compatible he feels you are with him. Generally things like shared values, shared interests, similar senses of humour, etc. will determine compatibility. They're never rejecting you as a person; they're just figuring out you're not compatible as time goes on.

 

Most people aren't compatible enough with most other people to be in a long term relationship or marriage. That's what makes love special.

[todreaminblue]

I'd ask a good male friend who will tell you the truith what you are doing wrong. Maybe you come across as desperate? I don't know just throwing ideas out there.

 

Have you tried OLD?

 

I don't think playing games is the way forward personally.

 

Also, on the sex thing... I'm a chick, I'm not overly promiscuous. I don't do one night stands, have usually slept with guys when we are in a relationship. But if I started dating a guy and he said no sex before marriage I'd leave. I'm not only in a relationship for sex at all, but it is a really important part of a relationship. So what is your stance on sex? None before marriage? None till a relationship? It wasn't clear to me. It could be part of the problem. I'm not saying change your stance, but maybe you need to communicate what your position is better to men, because you didn't convey it well in your post

 

 

when i have asked guys to give me tips in my life, they normally hit on me...i give up on that one...you can try on me baby leer ...insert retch...deb

[HitMeNow]

Okay so I know you don't know me, but if you could analyze my situation and help me out, I could possibly figure out why I keep getting rejected. Once they finally text or call again like 2 weeks later after not showing interest/not calling/not texting, that's when I end it. It's like a slow-fade that happens within less than a month.

 

I am 5'9" weigh 137 pounds, fit, have a good-paying job in a technical field, single parent, 37, blonde hair, blue eyes, bubbly personality, and am told that I am the hot chick at my work where there are approximately 2000+ people working there. I have been rejected by every guy who I have liked who has asked me out for the last 5 years!

 

I have been waiting for my Mr. Right and have not slept with any of these guys. I have been waiting for 5 years now because I get too emotionally attached if I have sex with someone and so I'm waiting to be with the right one... At least someone who really likes me for me and not out for just sex.

 

This doesn't seem to help me in my dating quest. I feel like I'm scaring them off. I do tell them I'm interested in them after the first date and the guys I like are 6 years younger than me. I do give them googly eyes because I'm a hopeless romantic. I do act eager but try to hide it. But even though I tell them I'm attracted to them or interested in them, it doesn't mean the challenge is over in my mind. I am just letting them know how I feel at this moment in time. Don't they understand that if they start acting like a jerk, I'm going to lose interest? Why is it never okay to show interest? I would love to go out with a guy who I was really attracted too and acted just like me, but it doesn't exist... Everyone just wants to play games and I don't know how! I feel like if I play games I'm going to lose them.

 

If I have a lot to offer, why should I have to play games? If I have a lot to offer, why do they just want to get in my pants! My self-esteem has taken a real dive and every time it happens the wound gets deeper! Is it wrong to be looking for a relationship? I am lonely and would really like to find companionship. Maybe sending this vibe out into the universe is what is ruining it and guys sense it and they freak out! I never say this out loud of course.

 

I do want honest feedback even if it sucks/hurts.

 

The latest one: He approached me with a ton of interest, shaking, nervous, sweaty, etc. Tells me how much he likes me, I said it back, then he started the slow-fade as usual. Last guy back in December, shaking, nervous asks me out, go on date, I offer to drive and pay for dinner because he bought us tickets to an expensive show, then he starts the slow-fade. Why do men interpret a girl offering to pay on a date as not quality?.. Seems like it would be quite the opposite. They always seem like they are avoiding me and start acting distant.

 

My wild guess in all this is that:

 

- You're the hot chick. 95% of the guys will look at you from down up. You have to come to ground and make their ego feel good.

 

- You can probably never show "too much interest" into a guy. Quite the opposite. Imagine Brad Pitt. Now do you think, you would be able to dislike Brad Pitt because he was too much of a "nice guy" or "showed too much interest"??

 

- My guess is it's quite the opposite. You show interest (but because you're keeping yourself "rigid" and have this belief that you show too much), you do not show enough, or the way you're showing it is not good. And the guy believing the "too good to be true" or not being at your level will go into "auto-rejection" and start acting like a jerk, etc etc.

 

- Lastly, stop being so ****ing independent. Men get intimidated when you want to run the show. Being that you are the hot chick, they need to have that feeling that they're the ones to "sweep you off your feet". Let them pay for dinner, be a good listener, let them talk and try to impress you. Just look at them like you're getting lost into the conversation (or actually do get lost). Don't be a leader, be a follower. That's what all men need.

 

Cheers,

[Cutiepie1976]

I would advise against playing games if you're looking for a relationship. Be authentic and learn to have confidence in the "real" you.

 

One of two things is happening, possibly both:

• You're picking the wrong guys to date.
  
• You're doing things that are turning off guys very early on as they get to know you.
  

As perspective, single mothers date and enter relationships. So do women who don't put out immediately. Those aren't the underlying reasons why you haven't had a relationship in five years despite dating and wanting one. If you'd like things to change for you, dig a little deeper to understand your role in your encounters. We are ultimately responsible for what happens in our lives.

[clia]

This doesn't seem to help me in my dating quest. I feel like I'm scaring them off.

 

What makes you say this? Based on your post, I tend to agree that you are doing something to make them lose interest. We may need more information if you really want to get to the bottom of it.

 

I do tell them I'm interested in them after the first date and the guys I like are 6 years younger than me.

 

Stop telling them you are interested in them so soon. You can show them you are interested by continuing to accept their dates -- provided they aren't last minute dates. Have you tried dating guys closer to your age? Is it possible that these younger guys merely view you as cougar material and simply want sex, not a relationship?

 

I do give them googly eyes because I'm a hopeless romantic.

 

What does this even mean? Are you batting your eyelashes at them from across the table?

 

I do act eager but try to hide it.

 

I have a feeling you aren't hiding it very well. What do you do to "act eager"?

 

But even though I tell them I'm attracted to them or interested in them, it doesn't mean the challenge is over in my mind.

 

To you, maybe. To them is something entirely different. You sound attractive -- they may view you as a challenge. Then when you go out on one date and start telling them you are interested in them and giving them googly eyes, the challenge is over. They've got you.

 

What kinds of things are you saying to them?

 

I am just letting them know how I feel at this moment in time. Don't they understand that if they start acting like a jerk, I'm going to lose interest? Why is it never okay to show interest?

 

No, they don't. It is well documented that many women actually gain interest when guys act like jerks.

 

I would love to go out with a guy who I was really attracted too and acted just like me, but it doesn't exist... Everyone just wants to play games and I don't know how! I feel like if I play games I'm going to lose them.

 

You are losing them anyway -- so why not try a different approach? You don't have to "play games" per se. But, it might behoove you to maintain your mystery for a little longer with these guys. It isn't playing games to hold back on revealing information. You don't have to share everything on the first few dates. Just be calm, cool, collected, light, and breezy.

 

The latest one: He approached me with a ton of interest, shaking, nervous, sweaty, etc. Tells me how much he likes me, I said it back, then he started the slow-fade as usual.

 

How long did you date him? When did you tell him you liked him? What exactly did you say? How often were you initiating calls/texts?

 

Last guy back in December, shaking, nervous asks me out, go on date, I offer to drive and pay for dinner because he bought us tickets to an expensive show, then he starts the slow-fade. Why do men interpret a girl offering to pay on a date as not quality?.. Seems like it would be quite the opposite. They always seem like they are avoiding me and start acting distant.

 

Don't offer to drive or pay for dinner on a first date. Men like treating women to dinner. He wouldn't have bought the tickets to the show if he didn't want to spend the money; he knew it was a first date. Just take a step back and try to stop being so independent. This is hard, I know -- but men like to feed women at nice restaurants! (This is a fact.)

[Treasa]

Also, stop going out with guys who are shaky, nervous, sweating, etc. I get this mental image that you're dating chihuahuas or something.

[Barnacle-Bob]

Barnacle-bob... That was friggin hilarious! No, I don't but am I giving off that impression?

 

Which part gave that impression?

 

Would someone who already has a kid get turned off by the fact that I have a kid?

 

I was just remembering a girl I used to hang out with in college. She was super pretty, cool, intelligent, etc. Then the fist time I went to her place, I walked in and it was unicorn stuff in every direction, and I quietly muttered to myself, 'Uh-oh'.

 

I have kids and its not that I'm turned off by a woman having kids, its that I am leery of getting involved because if the relationship doesn't work out, it wouldn't jist be the woman who is affected. I grew up that way, and it wasn't fun. So for me, I tread very lightly around women with kids.

[outsidethebox]

There are already several great replies, but I find the commonality in all this very unusual. You are selecting guys that are about six years younger than you (late 20's during last 5 years) and not only describe them as nervous and shaky but considered it normal. In all liklihood at that age they had also not been married and had no children. Do these guys for the most part know how old you were and that you had a child before going out with you? It just doesn't seem like it.

 

I can't add anything to the insightfulness of weezy's post, but it shouldn't be surprising that a number of men would be attracted enough to want to get to know you but not feel a compatibility. But for essentiality one date to do it for 5 years, there's something major going on, and it isn't "desperateness" or whatever. The youth is a commonality there, if there were divorced men around your age would have a little more to go on before thinking it's some attribute you have that doesn't appeal to at least these young men. Could be anything, but still I would go with what weezy had to say. Hard to tell how many guys it will take to find someone that wants to know you better, but will help if a more similarly situated man imo.

[StarsOnFire]

There are already several great replies, but I find the commonality in all this very unusual. You are selecting guys that are about six years younger than you (late 20's during last 5 years) and not only describe them as nervous and shaky but considered it normal. In all liklihood at that age they had also not been married and had no children. Do these guys for the most part know how old you were and that you had a child before going out with you? It just doesn't seem like it.

 

I totally agree, sounds like you're dating too young. Perhaps the guys you're choosing are not in the same spot in their lives as you are. They like the chase, but reality sets in after a date or two, and they bail. Or maybe they're just looking for a hookup and nothing serious.

[pbjbear]

 

Don't be a leader, be a follower. That's what all men need.

 

Cheers,

 

Another guy who feels superior to women so a woman must "follow" him and "turn on his ego" to get him to like her.

 

Since we can send one man to the moon, why not send all of them there? Thats when equality will actually exist.

[Barnacle-Bob]

Another guy who feels superior to women so a woman must "follow" him and "turn on his ego" to get him to like her.

 

Yeah, I don't get that. For me, the biggest turn-off is a woman who isn't independent, strong and willing to stand up for herself, even if its against me.

[PogoStick]

Why don't you date guys 6 years older instead? That would solve half your problem.

 

You guys are missing why the age is important. It's not about being in different stages of life. It's because when she dates younger, she's competing against women who are 10-15 years younger. So the 30ish y/o guy has a choice between a girl who is early 20s, youthfully attractive, just out of college, wanting to party and sexually explore; or a 37 y/o who is jaded and avoiding sex. Who's he going to choose?

 

The other half is you're probably giving a vibe that scares guys off. Maybe they feel you get too attached or clingy right away. Add on that you're afraid of sex and intimacy and guys will be freaked out.

 

One last thing, I don't have a problem with the dinner thing. If a guy dishes out some expensive tickets then it's nice for a girl to contribute. I just dropped $150 for Cirque de Soleil tickets. I'll welcome my date throwing in 50 for dinner, drinks, or hitting the bar when it gets out. I'm still way ahead on that one.

Edited March 26, 2013 by PogoStick

[amy12]

This post actually got me thinking a lot today. I've been there, or at least parts of that post. I have the tendency myself to try to make things work, not always seeing clearly that I'm not helping at all but getting in his way. Really, this was an eye opener, I have to learn how to coast, not get so intense, and just hand the reins over to him to take control. The freaky part is when it hit me I realized I've done the exact same thing with my family so I should've seen it much sooner. I actually felt pretty disgusted with myself today realizing I probably made a guy feel more anxiety instead of less. Hopefully I'm sorry helps.