My LDR BF is friends with his ex, and it is crowding our relationship

[babalou]

So, I'm in a LDR and I have been for almost a year with a guy that I'm really in love with. My only problem is that he spends a lot of time with his ex, and she's been his friend before and after their relationship, but after they broke up, they distanced themselves for a while, which was when I met him and fell in love with him, etc. A few months back, she came around, and while I trust him, I'm really uncomfortable with them spending so much time together. Currently, he doesn't have a phone because of expenses, which is understandable, but when we do get to talk, if she's around, she's always distracting him. Part of this bothers me because whenever his other friends are around, they let us have our time, but she just doesn't know how to let us have some time to talk. And it's not as if she's a new friend, he's known her for a long time, so she's one of those friends that can entertain herself while being over. It's just frustrating.

 

The reason it's so difficult for me to just express that it makes me uncomfortable is because the reason he has her over so often is because he's one of her few close friends and she recently just got released from the hospital after a suicide attempt, so she's pretty fragile emotionally. I think it would be a bit harsh for me to say, "Hey, can you tell her to go away? I know she's depressed, but she's going to have to occupy herself with something else." But even if he's doing this to be nice for her and to take care of his friend, I really don't like that this is putting a damper in an already difficult situation for us, but again, I wouldn't want to ask him to do something like that, not only because I'm sure he wouldn't for his friend's sake, I also wouldn't want to do that to her. I'm just so confused, and I'm not sure if I'm being selfish or what. What do I do?

[Tressugar]

She knows what she's doing. She wants you to know that she's there talking to and spending time with your boyfriend. She's trying to play on your emotions. Tell your boyfriend to put it an end to her interfering with your conversations on the phone. Explain to him that is your guys time together. She can come around after you guys are finished with the phone conversation.

[babalou]

Are there any other views on this?

[onlyjs]

Wow this is tough.

 

I would advise that you speak with him about it, he'll probably deny she has affection for him. You have to say something tho, you have a right to be with your man and have privacy - keep it in that context. Leave her suicide attempt and her issues out of it. It's about you and your man. You want more alone time and privacy to be around him without an audience.

[justwhoiam]

To me it's very simple. Let him realize this whole thing is going to affect your relationship, as you're not able to have any kind of intimacy whatsoever with him.

 

With all due manners, but still, I doubt he didn't realize about this yet. I guess he just doesn't know how to handle things. So suggest you arrange a time to talk and ask him to make sure no one else is around. It doesn't have to be always like that. But say, once a week, at the very least. Maybe he can set up a date for her with one of his friends. I mean it's just for an hour. Doesn't she have anything to do to keep herself occupied? Or he could suggest her to do some activity once or twice a week, so he's sure she won't be around and spoil your time together.

[HeavenOrHell]

I had a similar problem in the first few months of my LDR.

His ex came to stay every weekend and slept in the same bed as he only has one bed and as she suffers with nightmares (yes sounds lame I know, but I trusted him knew he wouldn't cheat).

She was the one who left him, but she did seem to find it difficult when he met me, she was still emotionally dependent on him and him being caring and lovely and still being fond of her and loving her as a friend, wanted to be there for her.

They were naive about lack of boundaries, as neither had been in a r/ship before they were with each other, and naive about what happens if you split and one of you meets someone else.

Bottom line, told him I wasn't happy with them sharing a bed still, made it clear it wasn't cos I didn't trust him, more that I was unhappy with how close they were emotionally. They were spending all that time together while I was hundreds of miles away, it felt like they were the couple, sharing everything except sex

I asked him to get her to stop sleeping in his bed and at first he said yes I'll tell her but can't guarantee she will! (He's soft). I said no, I need you to tell her where the boundaries are now that you're with me, which he did.

She got tearful about it and said was he annoyed with her, so I looked like the bad guy.

She's not a bad person, but think she was at times thoughtless with regard to me, she was putting her needs first.

One of the reasons she left him was cos she wanted emotional independence but she kept running back to him in tears or phoning him whenever there was a problem.

But it got to the point I wasn't happy, by this stage he'd already asked her to sleep in the living room, and apologised for being inconsiderate towards me, and I then asked him if she could cut down her visits to once a month rather than 2-3 days a week, and he did and I felt much happier.

I made it clear it's not that I had an issue with their friendship, I thought it was very kind of him to be there for her. I'm still friends with my ex and see no harm in it, as long as there are boundaries, it's just if anyone steps over the boundaries, which doesn't necessarily mean cheating in any way, but how close you are to them still and how much time you spend with them.

She moved away with work in the end, they've not seen each for a long time, they talk but I don't know how often, I've not asked, I don't really care, he just mentions her now and again.

Your ex's ex is being very inconsiderate towards you and he is as well by allowing it.

Your situation is very tricky as she's fragile, however it's not good for any of you that she is so dependent on him. Does she have other friends, family, therapist she could turn to more?

Fair enough let them have time together, to some extent, but if this is going to work you two need alone time.

How often is she with him?

You're being very compassionate about it, good for you

You're not being selfish, anyone would feel this way.

I think you just have to tell him how you feel, say it diplomatically, show him you do care how she feels, but that you also need alone time with him as you're finding it hard the way things are.

I know she's fragile but she can't really allowed to manipulate him or you emotionally, she should still be capable of thinking about your feelings.

He needs to understand that you're his partner now and you should be his priority, might sound harsh of me to say that, but he can still be there for her, but he needs to be there more for you too.

 

 

 

So, I'm in a LDR and I have been for almost a year with a guy that I'm really in love with. My only problem is that he spends a lot of time with his ex, and she's been his friend before and after their relationship, but after they broke up, they distanced themselves for a while, which was when I met him and fell in love with him, etc. A few months back, she came around, and while I trust him, I'm really uncomfortable with them spending so much time together. Currently, he doesn't have a phone because of expenses, which is understandable, but when we do get to talk, if she's around, she's always distracting him. Part of this bothers me because whenever his other friends are around, they let us have our time, but she just doesn't know how to let us have some time to talk. And it's not as if she's a new friend, he's known her for a long time, so she's one of those friends that can entertain herself while being over. It's just frustrating.

 

The reason it's so difficult for me to just express that it makes me uncomfortable is because the reason he has her over so often is because he's one of her few close friends and she recently just got released from the hospital after a suicide attempt, so she's pretty fragile emotionally. I think it would be a bit harsh for me to say, "Hey, can you tell her to go away? I know she's depressed, but she's going to have to occupy herself with something else." But even if he's doing this to be nice for her and to take care of his friend, I really don't like that this is putting a damper in an already difficult situation for us, but again, I wouldn't want to ask him to do something like that, not only because I'm sure he wouldn't for his friend's sake, I also wouldn't want to do that to her. I'm just so confused, and I'm not sure if I'm being selfish or what. What do I do?

[darkmoon]

she needs nurses, tbh, she needs medication, i've been in her position, there are doctors to help her and counselling, bit confused at the fragile thing because they medicate patients, idk, but i think she's off her medication,

 

they don't let fragile people fend for themselves, randomly thinking they'll be ok outside hoispital, i must sound harsh, or realistic, but i wouldn't let it drag on, i'd say sweetly of course "how come the hospital aren't medicating you and giving you counselling? it's the only remedy, poor you" ("now go away" )

 

her mom/family should be contacted, by your boyf, concerned for her...she'll love that, not, but it's also reasonable from your pov

Edited April 2, 2013 by darkmoon