Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 You need to end this cycle by telling him: "Not going to leave a message? Then don't bother calling me anymore." If he truly cares about you, he will start to leave messages when you give him this ultimatum And on second thought, I agree with your advice. I'm going to tell him that we obviously have incompatible communication styles and I'm not interested. Maybe I should leave that in a message (kidding)
Star Gazer Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I don't return missed calls that don't have an accompanying voicemail or text message unless said call is from my mother or work.
KatZee Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Ruby, Gotta side with the guy on this one. We discussed this part of your personality before...about being TOO strong at times. At least I hope that was you. Either way...when you think about it, it's more time "wasted" to leave a voice mail. He's gotta spend more time trying to figure out what kind of message to leave, and you gotta call and listen to it, and then when you call him, he's gotta repeat it and you gotta listen to it yet again. You seeing his missed call is just like a text. He contacted you and wants you to contact him back. You shouldn't need a written and notarized form from him in order to realize this. Agreed. I personally HATE leaving voice mails. I'll call someone, if the full amount of rings goes through and then pushes over to VM I hang up. I know full well how these cell phones work these days. The receiver will get a nice little notification that says, "Missed Call From KatZee." I've never had someone NOT return my call when I call, and I also return calls if they hang up as well. Most days I don't even check my own VM. So even if I see it in the box, I won't even listen. I just go and call back whoever called me.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 right. she could just tell him she prefers a message or a text, not requires. I did tell him I prefer it, never that it's a requirement. If he doesn't want to consider my preferences, he's free to ignore them - as he obviously has. Him doing so is a huge turn-off for me, and that's that.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Agreed. I personally HATE leaving voice mails. I'll call someone, if the full amount of rings goes through and then pushes over to VM I hang up. I know full well how these cell phones work these days. The receiver will get a nice little notification that says, "Missed Call From KatZee." I've never had someone NOT return my call when I call, and I also return calls if they hang up as well. Most days I don't even check my own VM. So even if I see it in the box, I won't even listen. I just go and call back whoever called me. Sounds like you and this guy would be perfect together
KatZee Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Sounds like you and this guy would be perfect together I honestly don't get why you're making such a deal about it. It's not like he's a bad guy or anything. Maybe he's not comfortable leaving messages with you yet. You seem hell bent on judging him pretty quickly. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I haven't known him that long, but his pattern of behavior so far raises some orange flags. Basically, his attitude is kind of cocky, like he thinks he's all that and doesn't have to be too considerate or adapt. I'm sure this works great on some women. But it's a huge turn-off for me. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 The funny thing is that he's complained to me before about how his friends won't call him back and he has to keep calling until he reaches them. And I'm like, "Uh, maybe they'd call you back if you left a message." 1
tuxedo cat Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I think your instinct to dump him is right on. The little things absolutely do matter because they always lead to bigger things later on. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 the cocky attitude should be the issue. the leaving a message or not shouldn't be a big deal by itself, but a cocky attitude is a big deal. Well, we met in a business environment where we both had to be a little cocky/confident because we were representing and somewhat promoting our businesses. And we've talked about work a lot so far, and the swagger that is required to close the deal. I wonder if he leaves messages with business people. I wouldn't dream of calling a client or prospect and not leaving a message. It seems so weak, wishy-washy, and unprofessional to me. If I make a phone call, it's with purpose.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) I think if you were being demanding or b!tchy about it, it might be his response since he might feel like you're trying to control him. Otherwise I doubt that's the attitude you took with him since you've just met him...and I think it's a small thing to ask for, and if he was sincerely interested in you then he'd be putting in that little extra effort to leave a voicemail. The biggest flag is that something like this should be easily resolved without any drama, it shows a willingness and desire to be on the same page and compromise....and maybe he doesn't feel like he has to compromise, and neither do you. So that's a sign towards the future that you're going to bump heads on things, maybe both be a little too stubborn and set in your ways instead of open and willing to compromise which should be 50/50, you should both be making an effort equally or at least trying to understand one another needs instead of just doing what your own thing anyway. The little things however insignificant they may seem in the big picture in the beginning, do end up becoming the big things down the road because those are exactly the type of things you end up fighting over in a relationship....these are the types of little bicker disagreements that end up becoming the excuse when you cannot communicate and express the bigger issue behind it...so I'd guess the communication to be poor if this relationship progresses if things such as these cause conflict. The beginning stages of dating can set the tone and determine the dynamic that will continue on down the road...you both may be just two chiefs. Edited March 26, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Well, we're not in a relationship, but my gut is saying eject, eject, eject. I was fine with letting him do his thing and me do mine. But every time I don't return a missed call, he comments on it and implies that I should explain myself - like I'm doing something wrong by not conforming to what he wants. He already seems way too much like my last boyfriend - handsome, cocky, demanding, rather unyielding. I already learned my lesson there. Dead end!
Addison312 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I actually dislike getting a voicemail. A lot of people ramble on and on. The caller ID function on a cell phone is adequate for me, unless it is someone I rarely speak with.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 from what you say it's much more than just whether a message is left. it really looks like there's bigger issues. doesn't look promising. The interesting thing is that this is the biggest flag to me. Now I'm putting it together with other small details, and they're adding up to one clear message. Believe me, I've been thinking long and hard about whether I'm being too stubborn here. I know I can be strong-willed sometimes. But I think I've been very reasonable on this point. My approach toward resolving it has been playful and constructive, and ultimately I just let our differences be. His has been unyielding and more confrontational. It's like he thinks I should jump at his every phone call, and he's irritated that I don't. Definitely a power struggle, asserted by him IMO. (We'd probably have really hot sex - but we'll never get to that point if he won't leave a damn message ) 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I will side with this guy. I was with his position with an ex ex. I hate answering my cell during my every day life. I have a specific time sat aside when I return calls. So chances are, if you call me, 9 times out of 10 I won't answer it. So this drove the guy insane. He had repeated conversations with me about how he wants me to answer his calls how he hates having a gf be can't reach. But that's my thing, I don't answer calls. I ALWAYS called him back within hours but that wasn't good enough. I felt nagged and controlled. I resented him for pushing the issue. 2
KungFuJoe Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Yeah, I don't see this going anywhere. This has completely turned me off. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting. I feel relieved already that I'm not letting this continue and wasting time with him. You ARE overreacting. In MY opinion. Which means you and I would never be compatible. You need to find someone who says, "OMG, I feel exactly the same way about people who don't leave messages!" 3
keepdancin Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) My boyfriend does this. We had a conversation about it just this weekend. Before meeting him, I was like you and got really annoyed when people would call and not leave a VM. While chatting with my BF, he made a really good point, "this is 2013 and everyone has caller ID." The bulk of most voicemail is, "this is ____, gimme a call," which is essentially what you are saying when you call someone now, whether you want to or not. He knows his name is going to pop up on your phone, so why does he need to say it too? However, it is polite if you don't call him back right away, for him to maybe leave a little text like, "hey tried to call you, gimme a call." Edited March 26, 2013 by keepdancin grammar
RachR Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) When I call someone (and my family members do this too), when I see someone called and didn't leave a voice mail, I sometimes call back and sometimes I don't. Just depends if I feel like talking. And when I do, I say, "Hey, just returning your call, saw you called earlier," and we chat. But I can't recall anyone saying that they called, why didn't I call back, etc., just because they had tried to reach me. And sometimes when I call someone, and they don't answer, it's just that I didn't get in touch and then I move on. If I need something from them and need them to call back for sure, I leave a voice mail. If it's just to chat, calling shows "Hey I'm trying to get in touch," but I don't expect them to call me back just because they can see I tried. I will call back if there is a voice mail left about something or asked me to return it. I also subscribe to the "if they didn't leave a voice mail, it's probably not important." So, this was basically a long winded way of me answering your question: sometimes I do return missed calls without messages, sometimes I don't. Anyway, I think this is looking kind of like a power struggle on both of your parts. It shouldn't be this much of a problem. Edited March 26, 2013 by RachR
Emilia Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Honestly... once he has told you he expect you to call him back if he calls you what is the difficulty on calling him back? Why to make such a big problem out of something you can solve with common sense? You ARE overreacting. In MY opinion. Which means you and I would never be compatible. You need to find someone who says, "OMG, I feel exactly the same way about people who don't leave messages!" I agree, it's just being controlling. I don't like people leaving messages on my voicemail if they are friends/lovers because the only thing they will say is 'I called, call me back when it's convenient, bye!' to get to that I have to dial 121 then press 2 then wait until the message played for at least 10 seconds before I can delete it. All this just to confirm what I already know: that they want to speak to me. No sh*t Sherlock. But then again I never worry that someone has dialled my number by accident or that we should keep a tally on who called whom how many times. We are not in high school anymore. Life is too short, as another poster said, pick your battles. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I feel it's creating drama and conflict for no reason. He is just don't leave a VM kind of guy. Why can't he just be that in peace? Sure there is a place for compromise, but this is just a personal quirk. Like leaving a toilet seat up.
iris219 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If someone asks you to do something simple and you refuse, it's very revealing. I want to make the people I care about happy. I don't use the "that's just my style" excuse to continue behavior others find irritating. And if I did use that excuse, it would be because I don't really care about that person's feelings, and that I care more about doing things how I want to do them (like not leaving messages) than the other person. This is a great opportunity for this guy to show he cares and values Ruby's wishes and he's choosing to not do it. Either he doesn't care enough, he's clueless, or inconsiderate. Either way, this would bother me. If I communicated my needs to someone, no matter how trivial they might be and this communication did no good, I'd lose interest in the guy. A guy who cares wouldn't see this as trivial and/or something he can just ignore. I guarantee he's leaving messages with business clients, whether he likes to or not because his business is very important to him. He's not willing to jeopardize this business and will leave his comfort zone in order not to. I suspect this isn't the only inconsiderate behavior this guy has exhibited, and I think Ruby probably feels something is off with the guy.
Emilia Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 If someone asks you to do something simple and you refuse, it's very revealing. To a degree. I have noticed however that men mistakenly sometimes think you will see their side of the issue, especially when they think you should relax. It's the impression I'm getting. I think this guy thinks this is no big deal and that Ruby should see it as no big deal and relax.
ComingInHot Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Since the inception of caller I.D., I appreciate that sometimes people Don't leave messages. They know that I know they called by their number appearring on my missed calls. I will call them back if I'm able* I DO however, Really love to get the sappy ILY v.m.'s once in a while. But Not every time...*
iris219 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 What about the reverse option... the guy has asked Ruby to call him after he left a not answered call? How is that different to your point? It's different because she initiated the conversation with him about this. She specifically asked him to please leave a message. Instead of saying, "OK, sure," he was defensive and said, "Well, when I call you it means I want you to call me back." Also, leaving a message is simple etiquette with people you don't know super well and it's lazy not to. She was asking him to not be lazy. He came back with why it's ok for him to be lazy.
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