Diviniti Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I really need to get this of my heart. My heart is heavy with hurt, my feelings are numb and yet all day I find myself waiting for your txt. I know you're off work by now and I sent you texts earlier telling you I am letting you go. I know you won't try to save me. I could have saved myself from the very beginning, I was infatuated with you. The first day I saw you I knew I HAD to know you. Now I'm actually starting to think that everything would have been better off if we had just remained aquaintences. Before you, I was afraid of commitment, I was TERRiFIED of having children... You told me you had 2 sons and I almost instantly fell in love with you. I had never known a "man" with children before, I imagined how involved you probably were, how you cared about them and loved them, I was in awe. But this was only MY imagination... For the 2 years we have been together... You have seen your children twice... You don't call, you don't send money or gifts on birthdays and we can barely have a conversation about them without you shutting me out. Even after the realization that you weren't as involved as I thought, I had such an overwhelming desire to share a life with you. We had a name picked out, we decribed our child in great detail... If they were here right now they'd be like this... Or we would take them here or there...God, I really did a number on my emotional status with this one. When we had sex, we "made love"... I fell so in love with you during those deep moments, I imagined the exact moment that your DNA would mesh with mine... Yet 2 years and 3 miscarriages later... Here I am. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant... I was scared, I knew you couldn't support me or our child, but I cried and I hugged you with excitement and looked in your eyes with the deepest love I have ever experienced in my life... Jordan would be real. But she didn't make it. You told me you would stop drinking "forever" if she came into our lives... And I though about how nice that would be, but I often wondered why I wasn't worth your sobriety. When you and I would drink, it would usually end up with us having angry sex, hitting, scratching, biting, slamming, pulling hair.... I like that you opened up my wild side, but deep inside I felt like this was not love... It made me feel like a cheap whore to have sex that way. I took you in, I let you live with me rent free for months, you helped buy food with your food stamps and I asked you to find a job. You cleaned my room and were very organized, and I loved it, I loved how you put some order into my life. Bills were tight and I felt some animosity towards you for just being able to live rent free and not really worry about supporting yourself. I found out that you have a pattern of doing this. Our first real argument, I was talking about you finding a job to help out and I guess my "nagging" hit a sour note with you and you lunged at me and started choking me and telling me to shut the **** up... We got into a physical fight and you took my $70 from my safe and left... What just happened? I thought for sure that would be the end of us. But I forgave you and you told me you would change... You went to live off a man who lived 13 miles away, and yet I came to see you almost every day. You have no license, no car, no job. You got a job and the man you mooched off got tired of you again and kicked you out and you came back to me. This on and off thing happened at least 6 times, then you mooched off another couple, who got tired of you and kicked you out... I moved back home and you found a homeless shelter. That was too tough for you and you mooched off a "friend"... They got tired of you and my dad and I got into an argument and we found each other, and we found our own place, and you payed what you could til we got into an argument and told you to work 40 hours instead the 18 you were doing... Child support was taking your money out and leaving you with ~$80.00 every two weeks.... Our rent was $500... I pay my car payment, car insurance, cell phone, rent and utilities..... So you left angry and came home with a promised 40 hours a week. Things were good... Unless I mentioned your drinking. You accuse me of cheating, you take my phone, my car keys, you belittle me and threaten to block me out of your life forever... And yet Im the one apologizing. But funny thing is... I've never cheated on you... I told you when I was raped when I went away for training for my new job... And you cuddled with me in bed then had sex with me.... I WAS ****ING RAPED AND THE FIRST THING ON YOUR MIND WAS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME????? TO CLAIM ME?????? in my twisted mind... It made sense, it made me feel loved... Like I had been damaged and you wanted to remind me what it felt like to be made love to..... But that's just MY mind. Skip ahead. 3 nights ago. I came home from work and told you to meet me outside... You wanted to go get chipotle... You got in my car and I noticed you slurring your words and I asked if you had been drinking... You got payed 5 days before and every signle day since then, you had been drinking... You said no, asked why I would think that, accused me of talking about you to our roommates, then told me yes, you had been drinking, but you were annoyed that I was starting drama and just kept spouting off at the mouth... I never got loud with you I only asked you calmly and expressed that I was a little annoyed by the fact that you had been drinking because I would like to come home to you sober. You told me to turn the car around, forget chipotle, and you bashed me the whole way home, we get to the drive way and you grab my wheel and ask me to go to chipotle again.... No.. And get the **** off my wheel... I'm not playing this game. We go into our room and you get in my face and push me, knocking your alcohol off the window sill and outside to the ground, I told you what happened and you thought I did it intentionally and threw ALl my perfume out the window. I started packing a bag to stay at my parents and you said if I was going to take those clothes, then I should take ALL my other clothes, took everything off our shelves and threw them violent,y in my face, took everything out of our drawers and dumped them on me, threw candles at me, clothes on hangers, nail polish, sprayed cleaning solution on me... Then reached for the bleach... I got it away from you but you threw my clothes out the window, you got in my face a licked me and I angrily pushed you away and you punched me in my head.... They called the cops. And I'm ****ing DOnE with you... Yet I texted you today. And you texted back. Why can't I just let you go, endure the loneliness, embrace the freedom, love myself, accept myself, take care of myself, be happy, be healthy, and forget you??????????
thefooloftheyear Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I can NEVER understand this..... You sound like a lovely woman and your story is both pathetic and sad. With many good men that get crapped on by heartless, undeserving women, there are those like yourself that stay loyal to an absolute LOSER that has nothing going for him. Hang in there, you will get what YOU want TFOY 2
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Is there anyone you admire? Please seek him out and let him know. If he is on Twitter or Facebook, send him a message. He's waiting to be with you, but he senses that you are wasting your time with this loser. On his end, he could be insecure as well, as he wants to make sure you love him so he's afraid of directly approaching you because his crush on you is so bad. Please message the man that you admire. A man whom you may have briefly crossed paths with, and may have even appeared in your dreams to comort you to your surprise. He's waiting for you. Go seek him for he's awaiting contact from you, he needs to know that you love him too. Because he's been thinking about you but has been too shy and insecure to approach as he's afraid of your rejection. -
Author Diviniti Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thank you, I know exactly how pathetic it is. I really have no explination or excuse other than thefact that I just want to make people happy, I know everybody in this eorld deserces to be happy even if they do not aim to make others happy. I JUST KEEP THINKING if i love them enough that they will get the point, they will understand and live a beter life.
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