Eternal Sunshine Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 This reminds me of a date I had late last year. Guy was borderline physically but he was intelligent, accomplished and funny. By the end of the date I decided that I will give him a shot. We made plans for the next date. After we parted, an elderly waiter that observed us approached me and said "Hun, I know it's tempting to have a boyfriend, but he is not classy enough for you. I am 55 and have seen a lot, please hold out for the real thing." It's not that he said that, it's just that he echoed my own thoughts. The guy sealed his fate by calling me an hour after the date and then texted me "sweet dreams". Just highlighted how much I didn't feel the same way. I texted him "no spark" and we never had the second date.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 On the whole hugging controversy, I let the guy take the lead on our initial greeting, but I much prefer a hug on a first date. A handshake seems too business-like and stiff. If I had to summarize the purpose of a first date, I'd say for me it's about searching for a connection, looking for commonalities in goals and values, assessing chemistry, and confirming an absence of deal breakers, including certain personality traits. I think it helps if the guy is a little flirtatious on the date. I doubt this is an issue for you, but I personally prefer first dates that are light, fun, and conversational, rather than an interview...or inquisition. You're going to glean the information you need either way on the date, so may as well relax and have fun in the process. This is a semi-hypothetical question here for the women: How long into a first date does it take for you to realize (a) whether or not you are attracted to the guy (b) whether or not you'd be willing to go on a second date? In terms of when I know I'm done, it really varies widely. For the most part I don't think about it until the guy asks me for another date. So, I have an open mind the entire date, and I'm just trying to get to know the guy better. In one case, I knew going into the date that unless a massive miracle happened, there would be no second date. Among other things, that guy called me frantically six times in the hour prior to the date because he was nervous I would stand him up. His other behaviors just before the date were outrageous, but it felt rude to cancel at the last minute, so I didn't. I always have fun on a date, and so does my date. I don't "check" out even if there's no connection. The downside of being social though, is it comes as a surprise, when I decline a second date, and I often get lectured or arguments about how I shouldn't turn down a second date. Everyone is going to want different things out of a first date. I would just focus on being yourself and building a connection if you're interested--both during the date and afterwards. For me, post-date communication is just as important as the date itself. 1
Star Gazer Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (a) 5 minutes (b) Usually half-way through the date
SJC2008 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Don't get caught up in a what should I say/do frame of mind, it'll chip away at your confidence. Dating is a two way street; Yes it's our job to court but when it comes to conversation the women should make an effort and contribute. TBS I'm actually surprised that you're asking such a question as you seem like a confident guy by your posting history. I have a theory that's a little out there as to why your second date rate is 40% (which isn't bad in my book). IME many women I've met online are the controlling type. They may sense your "strength" and know they won't be able to keep you under their thumb. I've seldom met a woman online who want's to follow the mans lead.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I hope u don't let him pay for dinner Nope, I actually feel guilty for being superficial. I have this smooth move where I excuse myself to go to the toilet and then pay for the whole thing. When I come back, I just tell him it's all been taken care of and refuse money. Unfortunately, this also means the end for him. I figure at least he won't feel used. 1
Malia25 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) I went on a first date with a guy I met on a dating site. We had initially exchanged messages for a week, then extremely light texting for 2 weeks (3-4 texts each per week). We finally had time to go out and I went in with zero expectations, but of course, was hopeful. So yeah, the date turned out pretty terrible. LOL. He was late. He let me know he would be, but instead of meeting me in front of the restuarant, he hung out inside the store next door until he knew I was actually there first. o_O He stared more at the tv than at me, which led me to think 'does he not find me attractive or what?!'. Oh, and he doesnt even watch TV, so who knows what he was looking at. I looked pretty cute, so that's hard to grasp HAHA. He kept challenging my opinions, not in a playful way, but in an exasperated "I'm right, you're wrong" way. He knows I love cats, so he made it a point to say he hates cats. Rawr. Halfway through, I realized I was asking questions that he was not reciprocating. When we were leaving, he was walking 5 feet away from me. We said goodbye as I stood near the drivers side door and him near the passenger. Then he said "we should do this again sometime..." Right. *_* He was an ass. I was forewarned about people of his "profession". lol I hijacked your thread, but to answer your q's. 1) Within 5 minutes...and this is based not just on looks, but their demeanor, confidence and way of speaking. 2) When the date is over, as I'm driving home...assessing the siutation. More often than not, I find myself thinking 'what the hell just happened there?' Add me to the "I hate dating" shipwreck! It's official... Edited March 26, 2013 by Malia25 1
Michelle83 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 This is a semi-hypothetical question here for the women: How long into a first date does it take for you to realize (a) whether or not you are attracted to the guy (b) whether or not you'd be willing to go on a second date? Please answer this question assuming that you had little or no face-to-face contact before the first date (you met the guy via online or a cold-approach say.) I ask this question as a guy who does online dating. I would say maybe 40% of the first dates I go on lead to second dates. This is what I am noticing a lot in the meanwhile on the dates where the woman is not interested in a second date--either 1. or 2. below happens: 1. I greet the woman for the first meeting with a hug. The conversation starts out the usual small talk ("how was your drive over here?" "how was your weekend?") where at first she seems to be a willing participant in the conversation but then by 15 minutes in I feel like I am putting more effort into keeping the conversation going. Attempts on my part to get her to laugh tend to land with a thud. 2. I greet the woman for the first meeting with a hug. The conversation throughout seems to go well but then when I call for a second date I get "really nice meeting you but no chemistry". I am asking this question to get more insight as to what is happening from the woman's side. To this end, the PUA Community has a lot of advice for us "logical" guys on bantering, flirting, and teasing but I'm not positive that is the answer. See, I ALSO notice that the guys the women on here fall for aren't necessarily the tallest, best-looking, or even the smoothest guys.... so I am pretty damn sure that it isn't about looks. For me, I know with about 80% certainty within the first 2-5 minutes if I'm attracted to a significant enough extent that if the conversation goes well, I'd go on a second date. After the next 30 minutes or so of talking, it will either increase his attractiveness, or it could deal breaker it if the conversation isn't holding up. If I've talked a few times to him online and it seems like we connect well, I'm not actually put off by a friendly hug. I've done that before too, I don't know, to me it eases some tension and isn't all that intimate. I almost always hug goodbye if I would be interested in date 2 (rarely do I kiss though). In both your situations above, I would guess the primary problem was physical chemistry. Situation 1 is the girl just isn't willing to put in effort. Some women are just like that. I'd still put in at least a good effort to make it a fun time and keep the convo going. ...but then that would lead me to be #2 if the physical chemistry wasn't there. What gets a guy to date #2 with me is at least some degree of physical attraction (I could possibly see myself kissing him) and we had pretty good conversation skills and he seems to be mature, respectful, in a good place in life - has most of my wants. Even if the conversation slightly lacked, I might still give it date two because some people get nervous.
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