Stuff

[Spotme]

Not the OW, but I do know her fairly well and from what she said to me, what she has written, and from what H said, post A, this is what I think/know. Her vision was pretty much the opposite if wanting to step into my life, she wanted to co-opt H into hers. She did not need or want our money, she has plenty and, in fact, his reduced circumstances after divorce in our community property state (not that he would be poor or struggling by any stretch) might have created a problematic power balance between them, as money and how it can be used to control your life/other people is very important to her. She also indicated to him that she basically expected him to adapt to her home and lifestyle, which were antithetical to his own on many levels, while at the same time agreeing to changes he said would have to happen. He did recognize the problematic contradiction in that. With regard to kids, she never had or wanted them and handles them well only on a superficial level (I've seen that in action from her interactions with my D).

[wanting more]

I think this is a big misconception about OW. I'm sure you could find some who just wants "her" life but I don't understand that. I have a great job, I'm responsible for myself and my kids. There's not much I want that I can't buy for Myself or kids. I'm happy overall in my life. At the time of the A, I never wanted her life. I knew who she was, had met her at work events and didn't really get along. She had a very obvious "I'm better than you" attitude. And it wasn't just towards me, mostly every man and woman who worked with us felt it from her. She was very cold towards everyone except one or 2 bosses of her WS, and even they commented about her attitude. I wouldn't want to be her. I wouldn't want the life she has. I'm different than she is in most ways. Looks, attitude, job, circle of friends, family. I'm who I am, she's who she is. Our lives are completely different.

[eleanorrigby]

This thread is the flip side of the idea that BS's (especially BW) are married to "walking wallets" and that we care more about "stuff" then we do our relationship. (and that's why we are being cheated on to begin with)

[LFH]

This thread is the flip side of the idea that BS's (especially BW) are married to "walking wallets" and that we care more about "stuff" then we do our relationship. (and that's why we are being cheated on to begin with)

 

I've seen several threads that actually claimed that is the case. I know that my MM's wife does in fact like her lifestyle and his paycheck, but I don't attribute that to most BS's.

It might make an interesting thread on the infidelity side to see if anyone over there can relate to it, so as not to T/J my thread.

 

Or.. I did in fact start a thread about this a while ago, but it's probably been closed, I can't remember. It was about the Lifestyle more important that was sparked by a poster sayign that was exactly why she stayed, and since I found it to be SO incredibly unusual and coutner to the way my mind worked I foudn it strange.

 

You're right it does go both way...I guess some women give the rest of us a bad name.

Wife or OW.

[Owl]

I've seen several threads that actually claimed that is the case. I know that my MM's wife does in fact like her lifestyle and his paycheck, but I don't attribute that to most BS's.

It might make an interesting thread on the infidelity side to see if anyone over there can relate to it, so as not to T/J my thread.

 

Or.. I did in fact start a thread about this a while ago, but it's probably been closed, I can't remember. It was about the Lifestyle more important that was sparked by a poster sayign that was exactly why she stayed, and since I found it to be SO incredibly unusual and coutner to the way my mind worked I foudn it strange.

 

You're right it does go both way...I guess some women give the rest of us a bad name.

Wife or OW.

 

One thought...and I'd like to point out that I think that this is something that applies across the board, not limited to OW or BWs.

 

An "emotional need' for some women...I will not speculate on how many or what percentage as I don't want to get beaten to a pulp today...is "financial security". Having that 'safe nest' is important to many women...and a man who can provide that is something that many women find attactive.

 

So it stands to reason that this may be part of man's attractiveness for a woman...any woman. Mate or not.

 

No "gold digger" implications in my mind at all...perhaps a little bit of old school thought about men having the role of "providing for" their women, but again, not any kind of insult intended in any way here.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't like what you are implying again. I made myself quite clear in my prior post. I don't lie here.

 

Your childish poking and prodding and your passive aggressive digs are quite tiresome which will as usual be followed with you saying that I misunderstood or a nevermind. I hope you have better communication skills in real life.

 

For crying out loud!!!!!! LG, simmer down.

 

You said

 

1) no one would admit it anyway even were it true

 

Then you said

 

2) I don't lie on LS

 

So. LFH was not so foolish to think some people might be honest?

 

Yes, clearly someone has a problem but t'ain't me

[Summer Breeze]

I felt that way as a BS. A big part of me thought she wanted MY life. I think it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I took everything I brought into th M so there wasn't a whole lot left for her to have and probably she didn't really want it anyway.

 

As an OW I didn't want anything of theirs. It had nothing to do with me and I had no interest in it. We're building a life together and in all honesty it probably leans to being a little like my old life but that reflects what we were years ago in the A.

[cocorico]

One thought...and I'd like to point out that I think that this is something that applies across the board, not limited to OW or BWs.

 

An "emotional need' for some women...I will not speculate on how many or what percentage as I don't want to get beaten to a pulp today...is "financial security". Having that 'safe nest' is important to many women...and a man who can provide that is something that many women find attactive.

 

So it stands to reason that this may be part of man's attractiveness for a woman...any woman. Mate or not.

 

No "gold digger" implications in my mind at all...perhaps a little bit of old school thought about men having the role of "providing for" their women, but again, not any kind of insult intended in any way here.

 

I think there is a modicum of truth in here. Not to imply that women want men to take care of them, but most women want men who are financially secure in their own right, who are not likely to "sponge on them". Speaking for myself, I know it matters to me that I am able to respect my partner's career situation - not that I want a man with loaded pockets, but because I want to feel like an equal.

 

But this does not equate to "wanting the BW's stuff". The only thing of hers I wanted was her disappearance

[LFH]

I think in many instances (and perhaps because it helps for it to be perceived that way in some cases) that "lifestyle" is being confused with "home and family." When I think of the word "style" in this sense it conjurs up images of status and bank balances. When I think of what a person doesn't want to lose as regards their family I think of 4th of July picnics, bedtime stories, and family unity. That kinda stuff.

 

No these were specific examples I'm thinking of where it discusses finances, the size of the house, paycheck, etc.

[Silly_Girl]

Well you did exactly as I predicted you would, claiming that I misunderstood.

 

Oh, do what you need to do. I'm tired of your attention-seeking jibes every time I post to you.

[Silly_Girl]

But she isn't admitting to being a gold digger. Therein lies the difference.

 

Go and show me where I said she was. But I never thought it and I sure as hell never said it.

[Silly_Girl]

But her post was about admitting to being a gold digger. Or did you miss what this thread is about?

 

The post I quoted was about AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY not BEING A GOLD DIGGER.

 

But thank you for your input.

[LFH]

But her post was about admitting to being a gold digger. Or did you miss what this thread is about?

 

But, no. I didn't think you were claiming SHE was a gold digger.

 

Um... this thread wasn't exactly about being a gold digger?

Gold digger: A person who dates others purely to extract money from them, in particular a woman who strives to marry a wealthy man.

 

There's a difference between being interested in what they may have financially/in terms of poessions and lifestyle and doing it only for the cash.

 

Either way, it sounds like there's a lot of misconceptions, so I'm just glad to see that my brain is in fact, not that different than most peoples.

[Athens]

I think each situation is different. I am a BS, but read this section to get perspective on the other side. I know for my husbands AP, she claimed at the time that she wanted nothing more than what they had-however, when I found out and he stayed with me to work it out-suddenly she found she was deceiving herself. She wanted what we had, although broken it -salvageable. I do not believe her M would survive if her H found out. I wish she was who she thought she could be, it would be so much easier on all of us.

[William]

Due to moderation working on making these forums more collaborative and a more positive experience for posters, I'm going to close this thread while we sort through it. A number of alerts have already been received and there are no need for further ones while we process it. In the meanwhile, find other issues to discuss. Thanks.