Stuff

March 25, 2013

So I have recently read a number of posts, seen that many people seem to think that somehow an OW/OM may have a need, want or desire for the AP's "stuff" and I was really perplexed by this.

Are my thoughts so different than everyone elses? Is this a thing? Do any of you have a burning need for their home, vehicle, stocks, bonds, other assets?

Do you fantasize about "taking over" for their spouse, raising their kids? (I don't mean at some later time step-parenting or co-parenting)

At any time did you/do you have a desire to be in the marriage he/she is currently inhabiting?

This seems very strange to me, but I've read it enough times recently to question if this is actually a phenomenon that I did not know about. It's not at all how I think, and so the idea is completely foreign to me.

I have my own assets, finances, business, home, vehicle.

I have no need of his at all... I certainly am not with him for his financial portfolio.

In fact during the brief time we did discuss whether or not a future might be a possibility we talked about whether or not we'd be considering my income along with his while calculating child support and future support for his children.

It was recently stated on multiple threads that some OW appeared to want his whole life and I can't relate to that at all. If I WAS seeking a more traditional and full time relationship with him, I'd certainly not want the marriage he has now. I'd want my own relationship with completely different dynamics. The children he had with her would certainly be welcomed into my home at any time, but not because I wanted to be their parent, but because he is and anything/anyone that is important to me, is important to him. But to want to step into someone else's life?

Is my thinking really that different? I would be terribly concerned if that was the way my thinking went because I can't imagine it would be the healthiest, or else, maybe I'm wrong and I'm the one that's unusual. Can anyone relate to these thoughts or is this not actually accurate?

March 25, 2013

I have seen this insinuated too, and hell no... I wouldn't trade anything that I have, character/personality/or possession wise to be her or have her life. I would be bored stiff and unfulfilled and miserable to be her (assuming that I would keep myself in my head when I became her????). And I wouldn't want the relationship that they had, nor would I wish that type of relationship on anyone, not even my worst enemy (if I had one of those, lol).

I think there's a big gap sometimes between women who want the traditional set up (man makes the money, they acquire things, compete with the Jones', etc.) and those of us who want something very different from that. That traditional thing worked great for my Grandparents - but would never work for me.

I too have my own business, my own house, my own car, my own interests and pursuits, friends, activities, etc. I didn't need/want anything he had other than him. I think their house is ridiculous (showy, not my style), I think that acquiring things to impress the neighbors is tacky (again, not my style), I think that living a life that I am only existing at the bare minimum is horrifying (I wouldn't last a day, seriously).

I am proud of my independence, and have worked hard for everything that I have. My priorities are very different from hers, and always will be. What I collect in life (meaningful connections with others) and what she collects in life (possessions with name brands on them) are worlds apart.

And no, I never would have wanted that life, that marriage, that house, those cars, those friends, those interests, those possessions - none of it appeals to me on any level. The only thing that I ever wanted was him - and in my case, I had him, while she kept all the things she valued. So, it was a great situation for all involved in that way. But nope, if anything, I have often felt sorry for her - but never ever envious.

March 25, 2013

My first MW lived on a farm with a huge mortgage (she said, and they were young, early 20's, so I believed her) in a very simple house (saw it in person). I had started my business and was totally focused on that and the new home I had just bought and was out racing and living my life. I never really gave a thought to their 'stuff'. I had been around business long enough at that point to understand that another guy always had a larger penis or wallet. That's life. TBH, her H was largely invisible, as was their stuff. It didn't matter. That's an honest reflection upon those times, mid 20's, for better or worse. Since then, and consistently, I could care less about other's 'stuff' in a covetous way. As I get older and realize how a life of work uses up a person, I've come to admire other's stuff, the fruits of their life's work, regardless of its comparison to my own. I've run into some pretty wealthy MW's over the years. Good on 'em.

March 25, 2013

My first MW lived on a farm with a huge mortgage (she said, and they were young, early 20's, so I believed her) in a very simple house (saw it in person). I had started my business and was totally focused on that and the new home I had just bought and was out racing and living my life. I never really gave a thought to their 'stuff'. I had been around business long enough at that point to understand that another guy always had a larger penis or wallet. That's life. TBH, her H was largely invisible, as was their stuff. It didn't matter. That's an honest reflection upon those times, mid 20's, for better or worse. Since then, and consistently, I could care less about other's 'stuff' in a covetous way. As I get older and realize how a life of work uses up a person, I've come to admire other's stuff, the fruits of their life's work, regardless of its comparison to my own. I've run into some pretty wealthy MW's over the years. Good on 'em.

Agreed - stuff is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I would trade everything that I own to have more time with the people I love and care about - every single item.

March 25, 2013

I am not currently in an affair. When I was, oh god no, there was nothing financial they had to offer me. Either one. The second one did have a boat, but that was just a perk.

March 25, 2013

I doubt if anyone does, they would admit it on here. :D

Then what's the point? I mean.. we're anonymous. If people don't share and discuss, then aren't all the discussions just skewed? What is anyone getting out of it?

March 26, 2013

I don't think about their stuff. I have my own stuff, my own life. If there is ever a time we end up together, just the 2 of us, I would like to keep my stuff and he can keep his stuff.

March 26, 2013

Then what's the point? I mean.. we're anonymous. If people don't share and discuss, then aren't all the discussions just skewed? What is anyone getting out of it?

Some people like to keep their message board street creed by not admitting their true feelings to complete strangers. People are weird.

March 26, 2013

You might not see my point at all, but I don't see anyone admitting it, irregardless if it's true or not.

that is not a word. sorry...it's a peeve of mine.

March 26, 2013

I don't want what he has. He tells me more about his assets than I want to know. I am in no way near that point. Time will tell.

March 26, 2013

the grammar police? lol

From Wiki......Irregardless - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So you have a point.

It is an annoying non word. It makes me want to pat the user on their virtual head.

March 26, 2013

Even if it is anonymous LFH, we all still try to present ourselves in our best light to a certain extent. Also you know......if someone actually comes here and posts, YES I wanted the house, the standard of living, and I wanted to step parent the kids.........come on, you know what is going to happen. It ain't rocket science. :D Talk about some pissed off women. You'll have the BS's going after them, and then there will be the OW's like yourself who are independent and have your own life/things, etc, who would be jumping in there also. It would be quite fool hardy to cop to that being the truth on here.

You might not see my point at all, but I don't see anyone admitting it, irregardless if it's true or not.

I'm kinda hoping maybe we'll get past some of that. I'm probably being overly optimistic!

March 26, 2013

So I have recently read a number of posts, seen that many people seem to think that somehow an OW/OM may have a need, want or desire for the AP's "stuff" and I was really perplexed by this.

Are my thoughts so different than everyone elses? Is this a thing? Do any of you have a burning need for their home, vehicle, stocks, bonds, other assets?
Do you fantasize about "taking over" for their spouse, raising their kids? (I don't mean at some later time step-parenting or co-parenting)
At any time did you/do you have a desire to be in the marriage he/she is currently inhabiting?

This seems very strange to me, but I've read it enough times recently to question if this is actually a phenomenon that I did not know about. It's not at all how I think, and so the idea is completely foreign to me.

I have my own assets, finances, business, home, vehicle.
I have no need of his at all... I certainly am not with him for his financial portfolio.
In fact during the brief time we did discuss whether or not a future might be a possibility we talked about whether or not we'd be considering my income along with his while calculating child support and future support for his children.

It was recently stated on multiple threads that some OW appeared to want his whole life and I can't relate to that at all. If I WAS seeking a more traditional and full time relationship with him, I'd certainly not want the marriage he has now. I'd want my own relationship with completely different dynamics. The children he had with her would certainly be welcomed into my home at any time, but not because I wanted to be their parent, but because he is and anything/anyone that is important to me, is important to him. But to want to step into someone else's life?

Is my thinking really that different? I would be terribly concerned if that was the way my thinking went because I can't imagine it would be the healthiest, or else, maybe I'm wrong and I'm the one that's unusual. Can anyone relate to these thoughts or is this not actually accurate?

No, of course not. I make more than he does, I have more assets, and while I really like his kids, they are their kids and I am not their mom or dad.

I have no need for someone else's things, I am more than capable to take care of myself and I am not wanting for anything.

I want him for him, for his passion, his love, his laugh, the crinkle in his eye. I love being a part of his life and I love being with his kids. But I am not looking to take anyone's place as that would be impossible. Like a good little fOW, I am good at sharing.

March 26, 2013

So I have recently read a number of posts, seen that many people seem to think that somehow an OW/OM may have a need, want or desire for the AP's "stuff" and I was really perplexed by this.

Are my thoughts so different than everyone elses? Is this a thing? Do any of you have a burning need for their home, vehicle, stocks, bonds, other assets?
Do you fantasize about "taking over" for their spouse, raising their kids? (I don't mean at some later time step-parenting or co-parenting)
At any time did you/do you have a desire to be in the marriage he/she is currently inhabiting?

This seems very strange to me, but I've read it enough times recently to question if this is actually a phenomenon that I did not know about. It's not at all how I think, and so the idea is completely foreign to me.

I have my own assets, finances, business, home, vehicle.
I have no need of his at all... I certainly am not with him for his financial portfolio.
In fact during the brief time we did discuss whether or not a future might be a possibility we talked about whether or not we'd be considering my income along with his while calculating child support and future support for his children.

It was recently stated on multiple threads that some OW appeared to want his whole life and I can't relate to that at all. If I WAS seeking a more traditional and full time relationship with him, I'd certainly not want the marriage he has now. I'd want my own relationship with completely different dynamics. The children he had with her would certainly be welcomed into my home at any time, but not because I wanted to be their parent, but because he is and anything/anyone that is important to me, is important to him. But to want to step into someone else's life?

Is my thinking really that different? I would be terribly concerned if that was the way my thinking went because I can't imagine it would be the healthiest, or else, maybe I'm wrong and I'm the one that's unusual. Can anyone relate to these thoughts or is this not actually accurate?

I don't think that one should internalize this to one's self. I certainly wouldn't. I can accept that although I don't think in a particular way, some people do and it has zero to do with me and no need to question my own sanity on that .

OW are of all walks of life and all varieties. Just like single women. Some single women (and men) live a life of envy, always coveting other people's material goods or their life. Certainly every OW cannot be this way just like every OW can't be a business owner just like every OW won't be everything. OW are normal women who are along the spectrum of insane, gold digging, nice, smart, naive, pretty, clever, not clever...like any one else. So I imagine there must be OW who are like that, but wouldn't say it is a characteristic of OW. Those women are also probably a bit unhinged.

I didn't want anything from him or her, except I was jealous that she was his public partner and had him more totally than I did. But besides that, I didn't want her life or his things or anything of the sort.

March 26, 2013

I feel much better after reading all these responses. I really couldn't imagine that this was the norm. Thanks. And you're right, I always look at each as an individual, but there have been so many references to it lately I really thought I was missing something.

March 26, 2013

Then what's the point? I mean.. we're anonymous. If people don't share and discuss, then aren't all the discussions just skewed? What is anyone getting out of it?

I’m 100% honest on here cause otherwise I’d find it pointless to even bother posting.

So…I had never really heard of this “phenomena” of OW wanting the WHOLE of their MM’s life or possessions or whatever. I find this quite odd and a foreign concept to me. In a normal relationship, do you want to literally take over your partner’s life? Do you want every single thing of their’s to be your’s? I don’t think so. Or maybe that’s just me.

I wanted my own life, my own stuff, whatever was my own to begin with, but I just wanted my ex-MM on TOP of that. I wanted to JOIN our “stuff”, so to speak. I never wanted to take OVER anything of his. I wanted him in MY life so we could form OUR life. I didn’t want HIS life. That’d be impossible anyway. If you’ve got HIS life, you cannot have YOUR life. If that makes any sense?

March 26, 2013

I’m 100% honest on here cause otherwise I’d find it pointless to even bother posting.

So…I had never really heard of this “phenomena” of OW wanting the WHOLE of their MM’s life or possessions or whatever. I find this quite odd and a foreign concept to me. In a normal relationship, do you want to literally take over your partner’s life? Do you want every single thing of their’s to be your’s? I don’t think so. Or maybe that’s just me.

I wanted my own life, my own stuff, whatever was my own to begin with, but I just wanted my ex-MM on TOP of that. I wanted to JOIN our “stuff”, so to speak. I never wanted to take OVER anything of his. I wanted him in MY life so we could form OUR life. I didn’t want HIS life. That’d be impossible anyway. If you’ve got HIS life, you cannot have YOUR life. If that makes any sense?

I think there are people who maybe truly desire another person's life. But these people are usually mentally unstable, where their jealousy and envy is really on another level. It isn't at all the norm, but it exists. I have read posts on here, but admittedly only by one poster, who is constantly jealous of everyone around and pretty much always wants what they have from wanting their baby to their bf and it is very weird.

I was watching on Investigation Discovery the other night 2 cases of such. One woman moved to a neighborhood and met the neighbors, a married couple, who the wife befriended her and then started coming by everyday, then overtime she stared dressing like her, wearing similar clothes, being extra friendly with her husband and volunteering to come by when she was sick to cook etc. Turns out she was poisoning her, hence she was sick, and one day she pretended to be helping her and gave her an extra dose and while she was passed out this woman attempted to come on to her husband. It was insane! In the other case, it was similar, neighbors, the woman started dressing like her, bought the same car as her, got the same hair cut, and other bizarre things, then it got to the point where this woman picked up the woman's kids from school pretending to be her! OMG! Could you imagine? Anyway lol...clearly these cases are of people who are insane.

I doubt most OW are like this...as most people aren't like this in general. But I imagine an odd few might be. But generally OW want their own life with the MM or may be jealous of the time the wife gets but don't want to be her.

March 26, 2013

I would NEVER want my ex-MM’s life! He wasn’t happy with his life and neither would I have been. I didn’t want his wife’s life either, being married to a man who isn’t in love with her and who doesn’t want to really be with her but feels he hasn’t got much choice in the matter. Who doesn’t want anything to do with her 3 kids and isn’t the family man she craves.

Basically, if I was his wife, he wouldn’t even be WITH me. He’d be with some OW. Lol.

This reminds me of that movie, Single White Female. Remember that? I found the most dramatic part of that movie when the dog died. *sniff*

March 26, 2013

I am sure this springs from the stereotype of the grasping OW homewrecker... out to get it all.

Women are much more independent creatures these days.

Xmm was poor, had lousy taste and his kids were all grown up.

NOthing there I could possibly want.

Cat

March 26, 2013

Are my thoughts so different than everyone elses? Is this a thing? Do any of you have a burning need for their home, vehicle, stocks, bonds, other assets?
Do you fantasize about "taking over" for their spouse, raising their kids? (I don't mean at some later time step-parenting or co-parenting)
At any time did you/do you have a desire to be in the marriage he/she is currently inhabiting?

I know his xW thought this of me. She said so in a few emails I have seen. She resisted the idea of him buying her out for the house because she could not abide the thought of him and me and their kids living here "in her life" with her airbrushed out.

TBH I was extremely resistant to the idea of moving into the house she had lived in (she continued to live in it for a year after they split) and so we continued to live in rented accommodation for six months after he'd bought her out. I only agreed to move in if we could have the place fully exorcised, which we did. Everything she left here was burned, we stripped the place right down and did it up from scratch *our* way. Nothing is like it was anymore - not the house, not his life, and our life as a couple is very different from how theirs was.

There is simply no way I would have wanted what she had. I am not like her at all, our taste is completely different, even in men (she liked him as an impressionable teen, I lve him as the man he has become) and what I wanted, ideally, would have been my life, with him in it. Instead we got a compromise, which works just fine for us.

March 26, 2013

I do wonder sometimes if OW wanted what our married life and home symbolised. She had had a disrupted childhood, a chequered career as a parter and mother, and was unhappily married to a man who was controlling and abusive. She wanted H because he seemed a rock. She visited our house with her kids (pre-affair and once during ) and was always admiring things - she'd wander around and pick ornaments up and comment. I think she wanted what she thought we had - not the actual things. Comfort, stability, money (ha!)

March 26, 2013

PS this is obviously pure speculation on my part!

March 26, 2013

I think we have more mature mistresses posting on here. When I think of wanting their stuff their life I think of the young mistress with the older established married man.

March 26, 2013

So I have recently read a number of posts, seen that many people seem to think that somehow an OW/OM may have a need, want or desire for the AP's "stuff" and I was really perplexed by this.

Are my thoughts so different than everyone elses? Is this a thing? Do any of you have a burning need for their home, vehicle, stocks, bonds, other assets?
Do you fantasize about "taking over" for their spouse, raising their kids? (I don't mean at some later time step-parenting or co-parenting)
At any time did you/do you have a desire to be in the marriage he/she is currently inhabiting?

This seems very strange to me, but I've read it enough times recently to question if this is actually a phenomenon that I did not know about. It's not at all how I think, and so the idea is completely foreign to me.

I have my own assets, finances, business, home, vehicle.
I have no need of his at all... I certainly am not with him for his financial portfolio.
In fact during the brief time we did discuss whether or not a future might be a possibility we talked about whether or not we'd be considering my income along with his while calculating child support and future support for his children.

It was recently stated on multiple threads that some OW appeared to want his whole life and I can't relate to that at all. If I WAS seeking a more traditional and full time relationship with him, I'd certainly not want the marriage he has now. I'd want my own relationship with completely different dynamics. The children he had with her would certainly be welcomed into my home at any time, but not because I wanted to be their parent, but because he is and anything/anyone that is important to me, is important to him. But to want to step into someone else's life?

Is my thinking really that different? I would be terribly concerned if that was the way my thinking went because I can't imagine it would be the healthiest, or else, maybe I'm wrong and I'm the one that's unusual. Can anyone relate to these thoughts or is this not actually accurate?

No. No. No. And no.

This is alien to me. I wanted nothing that would resemble their relationship, am totally financially independent, he had no kids but I've never had an issue with step-kids (or not stealing them), and it was all, for me, about 2 people coming together afresh.

March 26, 2013

Well not me.........I've hung my dirty laundry out all over LS.

So you're a case in point it happens, so LFH is not so far off

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