BF put spyware on my phone, & spied for over two months

[loversquarrel]

Spice4life, I hear you. If I ever felt the urge to do that in a relationship, it would be time to leave, and trust me when I say that I've had such reasons come my way and I didn't bother. Therapy is in order for this behavior, especially when unwarranted.

[chucksagent]

I'm kind of in the middle on this...and I am usually a VERY tough critic of strange behavior...

 

I just find the mentality so hilariously hypocritical by some people. Lol.

 

You hear the following:

 

friends with ex - allow it

drug problem - forgive

went behind your back and lied - forgive it

adultery - forgive

alcohol problem - forgive

CRIMINAL problems - forgive

 

Sure what this guy did is WAY over the top and totally wrong...but if you have nothing to hide, it didn't really HURT you at all. All the above things I've mentioned DIRECTLY hurt you. And I've seen SOOOOOOOOO many people on here talk about forgiveness and understanding, and "its a disease." Make all the excuses in the world for SELFISH/SLUTTY behavior, but someone with insecurities or trust issues are the devil automatically....Lol...sooooooooo funny.

 

If he has ALL those great qualities, for me, personally, this ONE thing would not be enough. But at the same time, I think it'd be hard for me to forget he is capable of such trickery. Tough call.

[loversquarrel]

I think his biggest problem was not being able to communicate. All of this could have been avoided if he was mature enough to tell OP that he felt a certain way. Through communication he could have recognized the problem as his own and worked on it with support from OP. I can't say it enough...COMMUNICATION on all levels is as essential as trust.

[WhoreyBull]

Well one things for sure... 15 months, 2 of them spent spying (how long would it have continued?), and $70 bucks on spyware... That's a little creepy.

He bought the good ones.

[chucksagent]

Another HILARIOUS thing I've noticed on this site AND with my close personal friends....

 

 

Nobody spies...nobody checks emails....nobody checks cell phones....nobody checks FB if left open...Yet ALL these people are catching other people in affairs.....hmmmmmm....

 

Weird isnt it??? Everyone is so high and mighty and ABOVE "being creepy" yet ALLLLLLLLLL these people are intercepting inappropriate emails, texts, calls, etc. Lol.

 

I get paid a lot of money to be a professional BSer...and not being cocky, but I am a lot smarter than most people I interact with on a daily basis. And nothing fires me up more than someone lying to my face and THINKING I'm buying it.

 

I have GOOD friends who are like people on this site: "Oh my god, I would NEVER spy on her texts when she was in the shower!!!" Fast Forward a few months, "So, I was laying down, and my g/f was in the shower, and her phone vibrated, I swear, I didn't just go and look at it, and it was some dude, what should I do?"

 

I then ask, well did you read the history of their texts?

 

"Well now I did, of course, I wanted to see what was said!"

 

Hahahaha just a HAPPY coincidence he caught it when it happened right???

 

And he NEVER checks phones, unless it vibrates in his presence...lol... that's the worst excuse ever....if my phone vibrates when I'm at McDonalds and I'm getting ketchup, the guy next to me doesn't pick it up, I will get the message/call when I return!

 

I just really hate the "holier than thou" argument you see on here all the time. Cause its like, well if EVERYONE is so far above it, why does it happen so frequently???

 

Now OBVIOUSLY this guy was worse, he installed spyware, lol, which honestly NOBODY I know has ever done (unless I don't know cause they were VERY sly about it lol). So that is hardcore...but still, everyone being so fast to judge just amazes me. You would swear he beat the crap out of her or something.

[loversquarrel]

I agree with chucksagent. The demonizing is a bit over the top and hypocritical from some.

[chelsea2011]

I can honestly say that I never read anyones texts, hacked into anyones email or stalked people on FB that weren't friends who friended me. Never read anything that was private and not meant for my eyes...ever. heck, I didn't even spy on my kids. Why? Because my privacy was always disrespected growing up and even as an adult. So not everyone lies.

 

If I have an issue I go directly to the person I'm having it with and ask and I don't mince words. I don't go sniffing around behind the scenes for answers. I am actually amazed at how far people go to spy on someone and they simply don't have a clue that person is probably aware they are. I'm talking smart educated people who think they can. The worst I've ever done is Google someone because 1+1 was equaling 3 and not 2.

[Noproblem]

I can't live with someone like that

a person who doesn't trust me and spy on me

 

But, it's your life, right?

[WhoreyBull]

Now OBVIOUSLY this guy was worse, he installed spyware, lol, which honestly NOBODY I know has ever done (unless I don't know cause they were VERY sly about it lol). So that is hardcore...but still, everyone being so fast to judge just amazes me. You would swear he beat the crap out of her or something.

 

It's a combination of things that makes it creepy. He spent a lot on the spyware, he downloaded one, then the other at a later time, he spied for two months... I can understand looking at a phone when it vibrates. I can understand looking through a phone, though I think it shows you have trust issues.

But if you've spent 5 weeks monitoring your gf and haven't found anything untoward and you decide the next step is to put more spyware on her phone...?

[Sanctionne]

In order for any relationship to succeed there are foundations that your relationship must have to build on. W/o them your relationship will eventually crumble and fall apart. Trust is one of them. I understand that no one is perfect. But installing spyware on your phone is just plain crazy, stalkerish and I'd be worried about my own safety. If you let him get away w it he will just be more cautious next time and chances are that his jealousy issues will only get worse from here on out... Also think about it. He may have done a lot of things for you that made you feel like he was the one. But he was spying on you and knew exactly what you'd like your partner to be like. Don't be that female and make up excuses for a man. There is no justifiable reason for what he did.

 

~ a relationship w/o trust is like a car w/o gas. You can stay in it as long as you'd like, but it'll never go anywhere~

 

Best of luck to you.

[loversquarrel]

^ unless you push it.

[chucksagent]

People throw around this whole "a relationship is built around trust" and you hear it ALL the time. But people violate trust CONSTANTLY.

 

Like who draws the invisible lines on white lies v. serious lies. Who draws the line on selfish intent v. greater good intent. Nobody is perfect, yet when someone else makes a mistake, the holier than thou club comes to judge...

 

Like me, personally, and I admitted this, it's TOUGH. I am not saying I know the right answer. HOWEVER, I know (personally) people who have been hit, drugs involved, MAJOR lies, adultery, etc. and LOTS of people advised "oh you guys go way back, give another chance." Or the famous "everyone makes mistakes."

 

So why is this SOOOOO egregious???

[angelcake]

OP here. Just wanted to chime in with an update. I decided to give him a second chance. He was very remorseful and I believe him. That and the fact that he goes above and beyond what any man has ever done to help me, whether it be with my children, my house, etc. He let me cry on his shoulder during the hardest year of my life and he never complained. I just couldn't throw it all out the window as I really don't know that there are many men who try so hard to prove themselves as he does. That, and I love him!

 

This is his only chance, however. I now know there is a shady side to him and my radar is on. I also put a passcode on my phone (lol too little too late I guess) and I keep my phone beside of me at all times. I decided not to throw this in his face, however, because I believe if I decided to give him a chance, then bringing it up over and over means I don't really want to forgive. Honestly I'm surprised that I decided to try again, and if it wasn't that he has proven himself so much I wouldn't.

 

So I guess time will tell on this one. I've gotten over most of the anger, and yes it did hurt that he did that. But it also gave me the opportunity to set some firm boundaries with him that I was needing. I guess that was the silver lining in all of this.

[TaraMaiden]

Well done angelcake - and thanks for coming back to us - I was beginning to worry who had buried who under the patio....!

 

I personally wish you luck.

I hope everything pans out for you and that things work out to everyone's satisfaction.

 

Be well.

 

[chucksagent]

Angelcake - Good for you...not listening to the peer pressure...It is SOOOOO hard to find GOOD people today....they'd be telling you to throw this guy out and you'd wide up with a drug addict, alcoholic, deadbeat....etc...the kinds that are "acceptable" to forgive by people on this site! Hahah

 

Good luck. And just try to make him feel secure and that you would never stray. I guarantee that will help things.