Author calikid3820 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Does anyone have any ideas on what to say when I finally try talking to her in a couple weeks? Do I apologize for not really getting the message that she wanted to be alone and to figure her stuff out on her own? And apologize for freaking the **** out? Do I just not mention it and ask how work and how coaching is going? Do I chalk this one up to being young and going long distance.. block her number and try to move on? Do I just send her a "I am still hurt.. but my heart misses you" or something similar She tells her mom just about everything sooo her mom knows that I yelled at her and cussed her out and was/am pissed... It is my only complaint about our relationship.. She is still young and naive and takes everything her mom says to heart.. though her mom has NO experience in this subject matter as she was married before 23.. I am really happy how my parents have supported me in this and have not ONCE told me what I need to do.. or should do.. Just what do I want.. and tried helping me find a way to get there I truly love this girl and she is strong enough to change my ENTIRE life.. and basically absolutely FALL head over heels.. Not in lust or some cheesy notion.. But truly in love with her.. I know that I have to let her go and I have read a bunch of things about how these break ups end with people finding each other again... I just hope she is strong enough to open her heart to it and stop listening to what everyone has to say about it... Mainly her mom lets put it this way.. I probably would have had to ask her mom's permission to marry her.. Not just her dad Edited March 25, 2013 by calikid3820
todreaminblue Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I also don't mind the "......." I do it too. It is like pauses between thoughts. Not necessarily a paragraph break just a change in process or drawn out thought. Yes and I think you kind of touch on what I said before.. She needs the external validation to know she is doing the right thing.. Good or bad. I tried reaching out to a couple of her friends but they are all still in college and are more concerned with "backing up their friend" and "supporting her" than with actually just trying to help... Its been extremely difficult.. There is one girl.. But the ex hasn't reached out to her at all. She actually reached out to my ex, but they haven't talked at all. I think its because my ex knows I have been talking to her.. Everything she does she needs to know she is doing the right thing.. and this whole fight and other guy put doubt and uncertainty on everything.. I know i have made everything worse and if I just gave her a week to think a month ago we wouldn't be here. But I did what I felt I needed to do at the time based on the circumstances and what she told me.. I can't change that... I just wish she really would go talk to someone and get help or some REAL advice.. Because even if she is fed up with me.. Turning around and dating the divorced coworker who is 7+ years older isn't the answer and will end badly.. it is a mistake.. But i can't help her not make it.. To emphasize her mom.. her mom apparently is okay with them hanging out right now because he is a "good guy".. her parents are VERY conservative and I know they would NOT be okay with their daughter actually getting serious with him.. She is just happy its not me and she is done with me Thank you for your understanding I will still try to keep it not so disjointed or tangenty for you..... I second your thoughts on help, but if she doesn't see the need to get help which i feel she doesnt, she is going to need someone at an external validation level to get her the help someone she trusts....does she have trust issues? One of the reasons I don't keep people close to me is i invest in them, I cant spread myself too far, so, as i said if i were this girls friend i would be there.......right now.....persuading her......it is a bit telling you cant think of one friend........from what i can see from your posts.....you are that friend......i have an idea, but first how invested are you in this woman whatever the outcome how invested are you in her happiness even if it means saying goodbye at a later stage....???....deb
Author calikid3820 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Thank you for your understanding I will still try to keep it not so disjointed or tangenty for you..... I second your thoughts on help, but if she doesn't see the need to get help which i feel she doesnt, she is going to need someone at an external validation level to get her the help someone she trusts....does she have trust issues? One of the reasons I don't keep people close to me is i invest in them, I cant spread myself too far, so, as i said if i were this girls friend i would be there.......right now.....persuading her......it is a bit telling you cant think of one friend........from what i can see from your posts.....you are that friend......i have an idea, but first how invested are you in this woman whatever the outcome how invested are you in her happiness even if it means saying goodbye at a later stage....???....deb We never have EVER needed advice about us as we don't have issues.. We are each other therapists and talk to each other and help each other through everything.... I truly want her to be happy.. She is my BEST FRIEND in this world... And that is what we have always told each other and its something that is gone right now... Like she talks to her college friends but she doesn't see them and didn't talk to them with any sort of consistency until this happened... If she is truly happy with this other guy or truly feels like the happiness we had isn't good enough.. then I will let her go.. and at some point we may not be friends anymore.. But at this point in my life she knows EVERYTHING about me and its hard to lose that.. I see what she is going through and try talking to her because I do know her so well and she is just sooo angry.. soooo pissed... and everything/one is so against me she just won't listen or doesn't want to.... But nothing has ever made me smile like seeing her smile.. so if I have to let her go and find happiness elsewhere for her to truly be happy then so be it.. I just want to be involved in the process and be a part of her life Edit: I have been trying to plead with her friends to see me and see like "my heart" so they will tell her to like stop being "dumb and angry" and truly be open to her heart and see what happens... She is forcing herself closed right now and I see it and know it.. and it has just made everything worse Edit: She doesn't have trust issues.. We had an issue when we first started dating.. cuz I used to be a bit of a flirt and skeezeball but that is long forgotten and in the past and up until this I never trusted a SINGLE person before her.. but I trust her completely Edited March 25, 2013 by calikid3820 1
todreaminblue Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) We never have EVER needed advice about us as we don't have issues.. We are each other therapists and talk to each other and help each other through everything.... I truly want her to be happy.. She is my BEST FRIEND in this world... And that is what we have always told each other and its something that is gone right now... Like she talks to her college friends but she doesn't see them and didn't talk to them with any sort of consistency until this happened... If she is truly happy with this other guy or truly feels like the happiness we had isn't good enough.. then I will let her go.. and at some point we may not be friends anymore.. But at this point in my life she knows EVERYTHING about me and its hard to lose that.. I see what she is going through and try talking to her because I do know her so well and she is just sooo angry.. soooo pissed... and everything/one is so against me she just won't listen or doesn't want to.... But nothing has ever made me smile like seeing her smile.. so if I have to let her go and find happiness elsewhere for her to truly be happy then so be it.. I just want to be involved in the process and be a part of her life Edit: I have been trying to plead with her friends to see me and see like "my heart" so they will tell her to like stop being "dumb and angry" and truly be open to her heart and see what happens... She is forcing herself closed right now and I see it and know it.. and it has just made everything worse Edit: She doesn't have trust issues.. We had an issue when we first started dating.. cuz I used to be a bit of a flirt and skeezeball but that is long forgotten and in the past and up until this I never trusted a SINGLE person before her.. but I trust her completely this is the idea i have, leave it for a while continue the no contact,let her breathe if it means being with a douche there isnt much you can do about that,when that douche shows his true colors plus the fact she has unresolved feelings for you, she will most likely contact you ,then as a friend and someone who is invested in her happiness, you can let her see that selflessness you have in wanting her to be happy over your own desires....it will shine through.......one of the hardest things to do when you love someone is allow them to be happy without you in the picture.....selflessness is the highest form of love for another....putting someone above what you are feeling is not easy...but....it is an honorable trait and it is a gift that keeps giving....even if you dont feel like doing it....you do it anyway......thats love when she comes back to you , confused and upset,unsure and insecure still, because she still will be, all you have to do is be there.....try not to put all your trust in this, you have to distance yourself a little for your own hearts sake........dont go into it like a relationship will be continued , but , if she gets help , it may be the fresh start you both need, with a whole new outlook and hopefully, a whole new perspective, i am not a fan of breaks to fix things, but you dont have much choice.......talk therapy, and an acceptance of limitations and where you went wrong last time are steps towards you being together a possibility...nothing with love is certain...hearts change like your mind changes........there are steps that you both can take to make it better in a possible future together time......you will both be fore armed...... You have to decide if you are willing to wait, that is your choice.......always will be your choice....i hope for you and yours...deb Edited March 25, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author calikid3820 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) this is the idea i have, leave it for a while continue the no contact,let her breathe if it means being with a douche there isnt much you can do about that,when that douche shows his true colors plus the fact she has unresolved feelings for you, she will most likely contact you ,then as a friend and someone who is invested in her happiness, you can let her see that selflessness you have in wanting her to be happy over your own desires....it will shine through.......one of the hardest things to do when you love someone is allow them to be happy without you in the picture.....selflessness is the highest form of love for another....putting someone above what you are feeling is not easy...but....it is an honorable trait and it is a gift that keeps giving....even if you dont feel like doing it....you do it anyway......thats love when she comes back to you , confused and upset,unsure and insecure still, because she still will be, all you have to do is be there.....try not to put all your trust in this, you have to distance yourself a little for your own hearts sake........dont go into it like a relationship will be continued , but , if she gets help , it may be the fresh start you both need, with a whole new outlook and hopefully, a whole new perspective, i am not a fan of breaks to fix things, but you dont have much choice.......talk therapy, and an acceptance of limitations and where you went wrong last time are steps towards you being together a possibility...nothing with love is certain...hearts change like your mind changes........there are steps that you both can take to make it better in a possible future together time......you will both be fore armed...... You have to decide if you are willing to wait, that is your choice.......always will be your choice....i hope for you and yours...deb I know she will come back because I know how special what we had was.. it just sucks I am the first so she needs to see that for herself.. I told her when we first started getting serious that if she needed a break to see what else was out there.. and to be SURE this was real I would support her.. Because going out with the view of what I have is soooo amazing and I am not trying to find something better.. Is different from what we have sucks right now and I think I can do better.. I am going to look... And it is scary to think and say but I know she will be back just because of how everything clicked and fired for us.. up until she moved home with her mom.. and this guy got in her ear.... The only problem in our relationship was that she didn't know how much I do love her because I was inept at relaying and showing my feelings when we weren't together and she couldn't see and feel them.. My biggest fear though and what I am scared of is that I pushed her too far away and cut too deep with my anger... And even if she wants to fix things she might not even try or will talk herself out of it.. Her thing now is that she is just DONE with me.. not done right now Edit: and no one in her life right now is supportive of us.. or is like "he is really hurt give him a chance" or "he really loves you".. And she has never had a big fight before with a boyfriend as I am the first and as this is our first.. so she doesn't see or understand that these things while they can't be unsaid and undone.. they can be moved past.. and they can make us better/stronger Edited March 25, 2013 by calikid3820 1
todreaminblue Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) I know she will come back because I know how special what we had was.. it just sucks I am the first so she needs to see that for herself.. I told her when we first started getting serious that if she needed a break to see what else was out there.. and to be SURE this was real I would support her.. Because going out with the view of what I have is soooo amazing and I am not trying to find something better.. Is different from what we have sucks right now and I think I can do better.. I am going to look... And it is scary to think and say but I know she will be back just because of how everything clicked and fired for us.. up until she moved home with her mom.. and this guy got in her ear.... The only problem in our relationship was that she didn't know how much I do love her because I was inept at relaying and showing my feelings when we weren't together and she couldn't see and feel them.. My biggest fear though and what I am scared of is that I pushed her too far away and cut too deep with my anger... And even if she wants to fix things she might not even try or will talk herself out of it.. Her thing now is that she is just DONE with me.. not done right now if you think you can do better seek that....don't while away hours in regret and uncertainty yourself...maybe you will find better, and maybe when she comes to you you will drop everything to be with her again, who is to say, love is wonderful but it is often an assumation of broken promises and neglected dreams,sacrifice and selflessness, which causes resentment, live your life and love whom you love..if you can be with the one you love,be with them if you cant be with the one you love,..you know what comes next.....love the one you are with...it can be as satisfying and develop into the one love you cant live without.. do what you feel in your heart you should do.....love cuts the deepest, more than physical , because love is everyone hopes for the future........i dont care what anyone says.....love is the end goal,in every single persons heart, even a hermit wants to be loved, by people , by god,by family by friends, by a dog or a cat.......i hope you find that kind of love with someone you need in your life that makes your heart beat faster, I hope your friend does too.i think that person for your friend is you...hugs....deb Edited March 25, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author calikid3820 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 if you think you can do better seek that....don't while away hours in regret and uncertainty yourself...maybe you will find better, and maybe when she comes to you you will drop everything to be with her again, who is to say, love is wonderful but it is often an assumation of broken promises and neglected dreams, which causes resentment, live your life and love whom you love..if you can be with the one you love....you know what comes next.....love the one you are with...it can be as satisfying and develop into the one love you cant live without.. do what you feel in your heart you should do.....love cuts the deepest, more than physical , because love is everyone hopes for the future........i dont care what anyone says.....love is the end goal,in every single persons heart, even a hermit wants to be loved, by people , by god,by family by friends, by a dog or a cat.......i hope you find that kind of love with someone you need in your life that makes your heart beat faster, I hope your friend does too.i think that person for your friend is you...hugs....deb I know I could do better.... In terms of someone more like me in some respects or understands me better.. But I don't want something "better" or "different" I am at peace with being with her.. I know that she is the love of my life both for EVERYTHING we have in common and EVERYTHING we do together but also for the things that make us different.... True happiness to me is irregardless if you have the only fish in the pond or one of 344,543,566 fishes.. You have to just be happy and content with the one you have.. And being with her doesn't leave me wanting or wondering what else is out there... the ****ty part is because of this fight her confidence in that belief is shaken... and because I have been weak, immature, and angry I have just gone like a Bull in a China shop the last month.. first by trying to fix it when she wanted space.. then by getting angry because i didn't want her to make a mistake and i started losing sight of who she really is and who I am... I may be 23 turning 24 soon but I can say with certainty I don't care what color my grass is or if it is dirt right now.. I would take it over a PGA putting green any day of the week because it is mine and it makes me happy... And considering I am an extremely goal oriented.. type A.. success/money driven person I know that she is the one.. My friends used to have a joke that I would never marry a girl or date a girl that didn't make at least 6 figures.. because of where my goals were... This fight/break up opened my eyes.. that for THIS girl.. All that mattered in the world was her and me being with her.. Can't promise that I would feel that way about another girl and can't say that I want to.. she is the one because of how I feel with her and how I am left feeling without her
Author calikid3820 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 I think that is fitting for how I have FUBARed this whole break up and relationship in the last month... And if it is too late and she is gone forever.. then I just have to reflect.. pray grow.. And know that I will find happiness elsewhere.. It will just be a different happiness and I have to hope that I will be happy and content
Author calikid3820 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 It just sucks to have her say.. We could fix things.. but I am pissed and angry and don't want to right now.. And just combined with everything going against me and us...She needs an intervention from a friend or something or a jolt to make her actually think about what she is doing.
Author calikid3820 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 I have been reflecting... And you can call this denial.. while I acted immaturely during our prolonged fight and threw some hay-makers that I regret... But that takes two... And my hay-makers weren't until after I tried fixing things and she coldshouldered me and wasn't receptive.. But her complaints are from when we were long distance the last 6 months of our relationship... I called her nearly every day... texted all day every day... and told her how much I loved her (not in the flowing poetry cute manner I have lately.. but still).. In retrospect yes she did cute little things for me.. and sent me presents sometimes.. But that is her personality.. It isn't mine.. It never has been...It isn't like I changed At what point is enough enough to make someone happy? At what point do I send enough presents or flowers? At what point is the love and attention I am giving enough? It should say something that in order for her to fill the void of the affection and attention I gave her... She needs to date a coworker... who has no life outside work and is available to her 24/7... I know I wasn't perfect and am still not.. But I moved heaven and earth to fix things with her.. I sent a massive care package to her right after we "broke up" with custom cards and all that and didn't even get an "i love you too" because she was pissed and upset and blah blah blah.. If she felt unloved or like we were going through a rough patch... she should have sat me down and had an intervention so we could fix it and get out of a rut.. I can find fault and blame in me because it takes two to make something work and 2 to make something fail.. I just have to realize that I did more and gave more than probably any other guy ever will give her... If some guy showing her attention and being nice is going to do this to her and us when we have a HUGE fight.. And she is going to tuck tail and run away out of confusion and anger like this.. Then SHE is the one who let this fail and broke our relationship... I am not the one who quit or failed
Author calikid3820 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) Don't even know what to say... So i took the advice of no contact and was doing fine.. I basically sent her an email to say good bye... and within a week she replied saying how much she didn't want to live her life without me and on and on and how she stopped talking to her coworker and needed a week to legitimately think about if she wants to try fixing everything.. She came back and said.. "too much damage has been done to fix.. I can't take you back after whats happened"... "I need to be alone" and "if you had left me alone to begin with we would have eventually fixed things" We talked a little bit back and forth after that.. she was really distant and awkward... I find out last week that she is dating the coworker... after lying about it the entire time... she admits "we stopped talking for a bit".. aka the 3-4 days we were emailing and she realized she loved me after the whole being pissed, hurt, and angry thing wore off.. I asked her why she sent me all of those emails and told me that she realized she doesn't like him like that.. and she just goes "well now that I think about it I still did like him.. I was just really confused about my emotions for you" I just don't know what to believe.. She lied to me for 2 months when I would ask her what this was all about... Ask if they were talking, dating, etc. And when I asked her about it when she came back to me she said "We had a date hung out twice and only kissed twice.. it wasn't serious" But now says "I am downplaying how serious it is so you don't freak out... I lied so that you wouldn't make a fuss"... the more I am finding out the more it seems like something happened after our fight on valentines day and she broke up with me to start dating him and just wanted to keep me on the hook in case something didn't work out with him... but whatever.. she now brags about being "moved on" and brags about "how happy she is" and doesn't feel bad for lying, betraying, cheating (general assumption.. likely true), and leading me on for 2 months Also... How can she say that "we would have fixed things" if she was and is dating him? Would she really just date a guy because she says she can't fix things with me? or doesn't want to try? Edited May 6, 2013 by calikid3820
Kobe2345 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) Cali I know how you feel right now and Your situation is very similar to mines, i didn't listen to my ex to the things she wanted to do and never fully communicated with each other and discuss about the issue.. which lead to her running off with some other dude.. What i can tell you is that if you have already told her how you feel and poured your heart out to her, there's nothing else you can do besides staying away and focus on yourself, Learn from the mistakes you have made and improve yourself for YOU.. She will know how you feel and just let her be... If she really wants to be with you, she will reach out to you and fix things with you... You must look forward my friend because we can't fix the past anymore, the best thing we can do is improve ourselves, learn from it, and push forward, Whether your next relationship is with another girl or your ex-(if you guys truly love each other you guys will find each other again..), you will be a better and a stronger person... Stay Strong Bro! I'm here for you... Edited May 7, 2013 by Kobe2345
Skipper888 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 hey mate my situation is very similar. my gf left me basically cause she felt i didnt care and didnt show i was putting into the relationship. Even though i sacrificed my friends, family, sport everything to travel 2 hours by plane (LDR) every weekend or so. She broke up with after she got feelings for a guy at her work and was confused. She left half came back, left again, half came back again. I tried so hard for nothing. I was having trust issues cause i found out she hooked up with some random a month after she broke up with me plus she left me for some other guy. She finally said yesterday that we are over forever cause i can never trust her. I feel like im to blame but never did she once try and reinforce my insecurities or anything. Best we can do is just leave them alone. They left us well before they broke up with us. These guys are just rebounds and they are taking the easy way out. We try so hard for them but when it comes times for them to step up they run and take the easy road. She will know what she lost eventually. I know my ex will after all she has come back twice. She said she can only be herself with me and i know she will eventually remember how good she actually had it with me.
Author calikid3820 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Thanks guys.. Ya I mean I am scared ****less of her coming back because she is the first person I have ever let in.. of all my ex girlfriends.. I am not close with my parents and have never talked to them until I spiraled into depression over the break up.. I took a week off work with 2 days notice and flew home to be there instead of sitting alone in my apartment.. I took my job in harrisburg because our college is 2 hours from here and she is a year younger than me... it was great till she moved home and was fine while we were together.. But once we broke up I was 100% alone in this city and lost my mind.. I did everything imaginable to fix things and stop her from running... and my girl friends all get jealous when i tell them about the things I did for her and how hard I tried to fix things.. but it got to the point where I lost it once she started admitting to her lies.. At first when she came back she said "i was confused thats why I lied".. later she said "I wasn't upfront with me and him because I didn't want you to freak out" I know I am better off because she has is completely blind to or just wont actually admit what she did wrong and won't take responsibility... She doesn't admit it and still firmly believes its all my fault.. but i am not the one who lied.. I am not the one who ended the relationship and I am not the one who ran into the arms of someone else.. I hurt like hell right now and it sucks... But EVERY person that knows what happened both the good and bad that I have done says that I deserve better and she is immature/dumb/etc. I finally got Fed up with everything after she basically admitted she lied all along about the guy because she didn't want me to freak out... and was "shocked I hadn't moved on as she hadn't told me she loved me in almost 3 weeks".. not to mention she bragged about "being moved on and happy".. and "I don't owe you anything and am done talking to you.. don't contact me"..The ****ed up part is she still left the guilt on me by saying "if you left me alone in the beginning we would ahve fixed things" So I sent the emails from the week she came back and said "i don't don't want to live my life without you", "I love you", "I don't like him", "we stopped talking", etc to her, her mom, and the guy... Her mom in her infinite maturity forwarded what i sent to her gmail and then wrote me this angry hatemail about how immature I am and how vengeful I have been towards her daughter and how I dug the whole and put the nails in the coffin of the relationship.. and obviously how "Strong, beautiful, and mature her daughter is".. also what kind of mom tells her daughter.. "You guys shouldn't stay together and you won't be happy if you get married because I got married young and I am not happy in my marriage" and also encourages her daughter.. who has only ever been with one person and in one relationship that dating a divorced coworker who is MUCH older than her is a good idea and says how "nice he is" I know it wasn't right and wasn't mature and if I had handled this whole thing differently from the beginning we may still be together.. but the seeds were already planted.. The first time we talked after our fight she mentioned "thinking about what it would be like to date him, though she never would and doesn't like him.. Its just cuz they are friends and he is there"... We would have broken up eventually.. because it was already planted.. I wouldn't be able to trust her anymore to go hang out with her coworkers... So in the end I let myself lose control and lose my mind and go on a bull in a china shop ruining any chance of fixing things.. Frankly just because I am scared of your scenario... When she comes back... Because frankly I don't know that I could ever say no to this girl... Though with that said... if she is willing to stand up to her mom.. stand up against everything and fight to get my back and show me she realizes just how BADLY she hurt me and how BADLY she ****ed everything up I would be open to talking to her... It just won't be me begging her to take me back or me trying to talk to her... thankfully she has pretty much proven she isn't strong enough for that.. She says that "if you left me alone in the beginning we would have eventually fixed things".. but if that was true then why did she let it get so bad? Why when i put my heart and soul out there she had nothing to say? Why when all of this damage was being done she just didn't care? And why is she still dating this guy now and is "downplaying how serious it is"? AND most importantly... How can I believe that is true if she lied about so much? Idk morale of the story is to just be open and upfront from the get go... Once it comes to a break up or a break all bets are off and things can't really be helped... Everyone has that one relationship where they lose it and do everything they aren't supposed to do and everyone has relationships where they are on the other side of the table and don't realize it... I don't believe in Karma for the most part but I do believe in Karma in relationships... My high school girlfriend called me years later about how she finally got her heart broken and apologized for how horribly she treated me... This is my karma for my last relationship that I didn't take serious enough and frankly shouldn't have been in.. And I know that this girl will understand some day what it means to feel a heartbreak.. Maybe it will be with this rebound/coworker.. Or maybe he will just live a miserable life and get married to him (no ill-will intended) I just know what kind of girl she is... She wants to be a stay at home mom.. with 3 kids in private school... and shop at nordstrom just like her mom, her aunts, her grandmas, etc. and that was the life I was working to provide for her.. A life that frankly won't be possible with this guy.. Edited May 13, 2013 by calikid3820
Author calikid3820 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I am just praying she doesn't come back in a couple months... But then again part of me is praying she does come back and with some grand gesture and apology.. Every time I start to miss her I just go back and look at the last convo we had when she basically was proud of her actions and had ZERO emotion, remorse, sorrow, guilt, or anything.. And just said "I am not talking to you about this", "I am happy", "I am dating someone else", "I am happy you are finally moving on", "I did like him.. I was just confused about my feelings for you"
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