Need and Thank you Kindly :)

March 25, 2013

Okay so I went through a ****ty break up.. not that there is a good one..

I have dated other people before and felt the love emotion but I am her first real boyfriend and first love and she is very naive to some things.. Like advances from other guys and other guys asking her to "hang out"

I could type 6 pages in depth about what led to where I am at today.. but let me summarize..

I knew she was the one.. I just never knew how to make her feel it or truly show her.. I thought i did/was but I didn't realize how distant she felt till we broke up a month ago... And it literally shook my world to the foundation and I realized that she had felt to an extent "unwanted" and "not special" for the last several months since she moved home... I guess I was just blind to it.. We talked on the phone daily and i would constantly tell her how much I love her and we would constantly work on taking steps forward to a life together in a yearish once we could live in the same city... I just didn't know there was an underlying feeling of not being happy.. Looking back I can see it now.. but we never sat down and really TALKED about it... We kind of did once after our anniversary but it didn't really sink in or anything and idk I just didn't understand.. I didn't do anything for our 2 year anniversary last fall or anything for Valentines day.. In my defense I told her that she wasn't going to get anything on valentines day a week in advance because of christmas, going to see her for new years, her bday in jan, and my truck that was in the shop and was going to cost $2,000 to fix.. I acknowledge now I should have at least sent a card.

So we broke up and she says its because of internal things like her being tired of feeling "taken for granted" and being hurt for so long that she needs to take time to be alone...But she mentioned a guy she works with and over the last month it progressed from "i have thought about it since we haven't been good lately" to them going on a date like a week after we broke up and him kissing her and her saying "i am soo angry at you that I don't want to fix things right now, and I can't be with you because my whole heart isn't yours right now" and she likes him now and they are dating.. 2 weeks after we broke up..

I am lost and perplexed cuz we haven't had like an actual honest conversation about what was going on in her head at all.. She basically slowly closed herself off to me and shut away the part of her heart that want(ed) to fix things.. and I like an immature person fought for weeks to break it back out and talk to her and love her and do things for her and send her things... To no avail.. and in fact she didn't give me ANY positive feedback... but she still tried saying "I am confused and I don't know what I want I don't want to chose a life without you, but I am not ready to be with you yet".. but she still continued talking to the other guy once we technically "broke up"

All actions and evidence points towards her breaking up with me to be with him.. who by the way is 30, divorced, and a coworker of hers (she is 23).... but her words say that she had no real interest in dating him until "she was treated so horribly" aka once i finally got tired of trying to love a wall and got tired of things getting worse and once she told me that they had a date planned... I FLIPPED... I sent her angry texts.. angry emails.. called her names.. hung up on her.. called her JUST to yell at her.. then hung up... Things I wish I could take back.. Like I never thought she would or could cheat but all of the evidence and the things she was doing made it seem like she did or was.. and whenever I would talk to people they all thought the same thing and told me I was being naive and that this was all about him and her wanting to date him...

And through it all she still blames me for the entire thing.. she blamed me for weeks because "she deserves someone and can find someone who can give her what she needs and she doesn't have to ask, or fight with, or break up with to get" and that now its "I wasn't going to date him until you treated me so horribly and said all of those mean things" and "i wish you realized what i wanted sooner" and just negative and finger pointing.. she would never actually acknowledge or accept responsibility for any part of this other than the fact that she broke up with me...

I know at this point we are done.. she says that "she is happy where she is at right now" and its because she is pissed... and angry.. and upset... and hurt...

This started as her wanting to do a break/break up and just see if her heart wants to come back because she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore.. and I fought it very strongly.. because this was our first ever like "real fight".. up until now it was just little things like a misunderstanding or just a general argument over something one of us should do.. Never a fight about US.. And I said that a break or break up shouldn't be our first reaction to a fight..

I am guilty of a lot of things.. and I know that.. and I know I screwed the pooch and made this all worse by pushing her so far away to the point where she doesn't even love me right now..

The last thing she sent to me said.. "I don't know if we could EVER get back together.. regardless now because of what has been said"... I know that we are done now and that we are broken up.. and that she is now "dating" another guy.. But all I want her to know and understand is that I didn't really mean what i said and it came from a place of great pain and great hurt.. And that while I may have snapped verbally with her she has thrown her own daggers and done things that have also cut me very deeply..

I know that the door is closed on our lives together right now.. but all I want her to realize is that the power of forgiveness and love is very strong.. and I don't want her to just shelve any feelings of love or wanting to repair things in the future because she thinks it "can't be fixed".... I am afraid that we are both so battered and wounded right now that she may just lock it away and refuse to open it back up regardless of what she feels, realizes, or is told.... Simply because it is easier.. It is easier to hang out with some new guy that can give you ALL of the attention in the world because he is at work with you and doesn't have anything else going on in his life.. Basically I see it as he can be everything that I wasn't the last several months...

I would give my left nut and do anything to have a life with this girl... I wouldn't have before and honestly I really am happy this happened because it changed the way that I think and rearranged my priorities to how they should have been all along...

Is it too late? Do I just have to accept this as one of life's lessons and move on?

My parents and others have asked why I would still want to be with her after her cold-shouldering me and dating some other guy and all that...

There are other fish in the sea.. Some may be prettier, some may make me happier, and it will be easy to stay away from the ones that make me sadder or leave me wanting more... But she is my fish and I am happy with the one I have, and I wouldn't change her or anything about her for the world.

I am finally signed onto this "giving space thing" and i told her... "I know that it would take an act of God to make you miss me now considering how far I have pushed you away, but if it happens it may take a couple more acts to fix things.. But please try with me.. because if we come back together after this.. I know it will be forever"

I am starting the No Contact thing today...

March 25, 2013

I do feel horrible that this all finally didn't click for me until not only after we broke up... but that I need to actually GIVE HER SPACE to make her own mistakes and decide if she will come back to me on her own..

So I guess I am left with prayers

March 25, 2013

Cali,

Thank you sparing us the six pages of your story and only sharing the 5.35

That helped with time this afternoon. Ok, just kidding you to put a smile on your face. Hope you take it in kind, it was meant as fun.

To your story: you answered most of your questions within the writing.

Yes, she is confused.

Yes, you likely made her angry when you were angry.

Yes, she is making excuses for her decision even if not valid by logical standards.

...and so on...

First of all, even if you did get back with her and "if" is a probably a long shot, it would be equally a long shot that it would be "forever" as you professed.

Be honest with yourself.

She thought the relationship was getting stale and she was being taken for granted.

You ignored the signs.

She lost interest and wanted to go separate ways.

You had issues and tried to force a recovery.

She found attention and interests in/for someone else.

You tried harder to win her back, even based on the supposition you are better than him, and all she sees is you being needy and argumentative and him giving her all the attention, affection and more she needs. Who do think won that contest?

You start to pout, sort of speak and tell her if she comes back it will be forever. Yet she already told you you're not good enough for her, so why on earth would she want that forever.

You get the picture, right?

This really has nothing to do with who you can be and will be; all I'm pointing out to you is that the relationship had issues from her side, issues you acknowledge. Recognize your mistakes, learn from them and don't repeat them with the next "beauty" you find and love.

We all learn from these errors, male and female, you're not the first or the last.

How was that - 1.79 pages in reply!??

Take good care of yourself and keep us updated on how you're doing in the ensuing days and weeks.

Edited March 25, 2013 by Am4Real

March 25, 2013

Cali,

Thank you sparing us the six pages of your story and only sharing the 5.35

That helped with time this afternoon. Ok, just kidding you to put a smile on your face. Hope you take it in kind, it was meant as fun.

To your story: you answered most of your questions within the writing.

Yes, she is confused.
Yes, you likely made her angry when you were angry.
Yes, she is making excuses for her decision even if not valid by logical standards.

...and so on...

First of all, even if you did get back with her and "if" is a probably a long shot, it would be equally a long shot that it would be "forever" as you professed.

Be honest with yourself.

She thought the relationship was getting stale and she was being taken for granted.

You ignored the signs.

She lost interest and wanted to go separate ways.

You had issues and tried to force a recovery.

She found attention and interests in/for someone else.

You tried harder to win her back, even based on the supposition you are better than him, and all she sees is you being needy and argumentative and him giving her all the attention, affection and more she needs. Who do think won that contest?

You start to pout, sort of speak and tell her if she comes back it will be forever. Yet she already told you you're not good enough for her, so why on earth would she want that forever.

You get the picture, right?

This really has nothing to do with who you can be and will be; all I'm pointing out to you is that the relationship had issues from her side, issues you acknowledge. Recognize your mistakes, learn from them and don't repeat them with the next "beauty" you find and love.

We all learn from these errors, male and female, you're not the first or the last.

How was that - 1.79 pages in reply!??

Take good care of yourself and keep us updated on how you're doing in the ensuing days and weeks.

Thanks.. Ya I mean I know that I had my short comings.. and I acknowledge that.. and originally it wasn't a break up and she still was considering fixing things... I keep going back and forth in my head..

The hardest part through all of this is I am left in a city alone.... I don't know anyone here.. My friends are scattered across the country since college...

2 days before we fought she told me she was 100000% sure we would be together forever and how much she loved me and everything else.. this is where the 6 pages would have helped

But basically we fought and broke up because I didn't do anything for Vday and instead of resolving it i asked for a couple days to study for my GMAT and by that point it was too late.. Because even then she wanted to fix things.. or seemed like it..

She even called me bawling and begging me to stay because I was going to leave her since I didn't want to deal with her talking about "thinking about being with another guy" and "I am confused and don't know what I want"

March 25, 2013

Okay so I went through a ****ty break up.. not that there is a good one..

I have dated other people before and felt the love emotion but I am her first real boyfriend and first love and she is very naive to some things.. Like advances from other guys and other guys asking her to "hang out"

I could type 6 pages in depth about what led to where I am at today.. but let me summarize..

I knew she was the one.. I just never knew how to make her feel it or truly show her.. I thought i did/was but I didn't realize how distant she felt till we broke up a month ago... And it literally shook my world to the foundation and I realized that she had felt to an extent "unwanted" and "not special" for the last several months since she moved home... I guess I was just blind to it.. We talked on the phone daily and i would constantly tell her how much I love her and we would constantly work on taking steps forward to a life together in a yearish once we could live in the same city... I just didn't know there was an underlying feeling of not being happy.. Looking back I can see it now.. but we never sat down and really TALKED about it... We kind of did once after our anniversary but it didn't really sink in or anything and idk I just didn't understand.. I didn't do anything for our 2 year anniversary last fall or anything for Valentines day.. In my defense I told her that she wasn't going to get anything on valentines day a week in advance because of christmas, going to see her for new years, her bday in jan, and my truck that was in the shop and was going to cost $2,000 to fix.. I acknowledge now I should have at least sent a card.

So we broke up and she says its because of internal things like her being tired of feeling "taken for granted" and being hurt for so long that she needs to take time to be alone...But she mentioned a guy she works with and over the last month it progressed from "i have thought about it since we haven't been good lately" to them going on a date like a week after we broke up and him kissing her and her saying "i am soo angry at you that I don't want to fix things right now, and I can't be with you because my whole heart isn't yours right now" and she likes him now and they are dating.. 2 weeks after we broke up..

I am lost and perplexed cuz we haven't had like an actual honest conversation about what was going on in her head at all.. She basically slowly closed herself off to me and shut away the part of her heart that want(ed) to fix things.. and I like an immature person fought for weeks to break it back out and talk to her and love her and do things for her and send her things... To no avail.. and in fact she didn't give me ANY positive feedback... but she still tried saying "I am confused and I don't know what I want I don't want to chose a life without you, but I am not ready to be with you yet".. but she still continued talking to the other guy once we technically "broke up"

All actions and evidence points towards her breaking up with me to be with him.. who by the way is 30, divorced, and a coworker of hers (she is 23).... but her words say that she had no real interest in dating him until "she was treated so horribly" aka once i finally got tired of trying to love a wall and got tired of things getting worse and once she told me that they had a date planned... I FLIPPED... I sent her angry texts.. angry emails.. called her names.. hung up on her.. called her JUST to yell at her.. then hung up... Things I wish I could take back.. Like I never thought she would or could cheat but all of the evidence and the things she was doing made it seem like she did or was.. and whenever I would talk to people they all thought the same thing and told me I was being naive and that this was all about him and her wanting to date him...

And through it all she still blames me for the entire thing.. she blamed me for weeks because "she deserves someone and can find someone who can give her what she needs and she doesn't have to ask, or fight with, or break up with to get" and that now its "I wasn't going to date him until you treated me so horribly and said all of those mean things" and "i wish you realized what i wanted sooner" and just negative and finger pointing.. she would never actually acknowledge or accept responsibility for any part of this other than the fact that she broke up with me...

I know at this point we are done.. she says that "she is happy where she is at right now" and its because she is pissed... and angry.. and upset... and hurt...

This started as her wanting to do a break/break up and just see if her heart wants to come back because she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore.. and I fought it very strongly.. because this was our first ever like "real fight".. up until now it was just little things like a misunderstanding or just a general argument over something one of us should do.. Never a fight about US.. And I said that a break or break up shouldn't be our first reaction to a fight..

I am guilty of a lot of things.. and I know that.. and I know I screwed the pooch and made this all worse by pushing her so far away to the point where she doesn't even love me right now..

The last thing she sent to me said.. "I don't know if we could EVER get back together.. regardless now because of what has been said"... I know that we are done now and that we are broken up.. and that she is now "dating" another guy.. But all I want her to know and understand is that I didn't really mean what i said and it came from a place of great pain and great hurt.. And that while I may have snapped verbally with her she has thrown her own daggers and done things that have also cut me very deeply..

I know that the door is closed on our lives together right now.. but all I want her to realize is that the power of forgiveness and love is very strong.. and I don't want her to just shelve any feelings of love or wanting to repair things in the future because she thinks it "can't be fixed".... I am afraid that we are both so battered and wounded right now that she may just lock it away and refuse to open it back up regardless of what she feels, realizes, or is told.... Simply because it is easier.. It is easier to hang out with some new guy that can give you ALL of the attention in the world because he is at work with you and doesn't have anything else going on in his life.. Basically I see it as he can be everything that I wasn't the last several months...

I would give my left nut and do anything to have a life with this girl... I wouldn't have before and honestly I really am happy this happened because it changed the way that I think and rearranged my priorities to how they should have been all along...

Is it too late? Do I just have to accept this as one of life's lessons and move on?

My parents and others have asked why I would still want to be with her after her cold-shouldering me and dating some other guy and all that...

There are other fish in the sea.. Some may be prettier, some may make me happier, and it will be easy to stay away from the ones that make me sadder or leave me wanting more... But she is my fish and I am happy with the one I have, and I wouldn't change her or anything about her for the world.

I am finally signed onto this "giving space thing" and i told her... "I know that it would take an act of God to make you miss me now considering how far I have pushed you away, but if it happens it may take a couple more acts to fix things.. But please try with me.. because if we come back together after this.. I know it will be forever"

I am starting the No Contact thing today...

Dude, this is a good lesson. I know the first time it feels so painful, takes a lot of time.

Lol, I heard this in my recent experience "I was Confused" when I inquired if she's dating somebody. It looks like yes, but very much. It's a red alert.

You don't have to be remorseful of all of this. It helps you think about yourself, makes you more as a person. You will gradually depend less on other people for happiness. This seems coarse now, but my experience taught me this very well.

The moment, you get the red alert - don't wait, just move away from her. Start NC. If she feels for you, she'll do something. Since girls don't say they mean, don't use up your whole mind power to figure you what she meant by what she said. Give a little thought and wipe off all memories of her, start a new life. And girls in their late teens are even more chaotic. If you deal with women beyond 25, they show different trends. Their priorities change.

Never let her use you up as a backup. That's the worst scenario I can imagine for a guy to be in. You did a good job. Takes time bro, but you will feel internal peaceful soon.

March 25, 2013

Dude, this is a good lesson. I know the first time it feels so painful, takes a lot of time.

Lol, I heard this in my recent experience "I was Confused" when I inquired if she's dating somebody. It looks like yes, but very much. It's a red alert.

You don't have to be remorseful of all of this. It helps you think about yourself, makes you more as a person. You will gradually depend less on other people for happiness. This seems coarse now, but my experience taught me this very well.

The moment, you get the red alert - don't wait, just move away from her. Start NC. If she feels for you, she'll do something. Since girls don't say they mean, don't use up your whole mind power to figure you what she meant by what she said. Give a little thought and wipe off all memories of her, start a new life. And girls in their late teens are even more chaotic. If you deal with women beyond 25, they show different trends. Their priorities change.

Never let her use you up as a backup. That's the worst scenario I can imagine for a guy to be in. You did a good job. Takes time bro, but you will feel internal peaceful soon.

Thanks.. I am hoping... It just sucks cuz she hasn't owned up to anything and is still like.. well its your fault you didn't do this.. you didn't do that.. "I wasn't going to date him and didn't want to go on that date... until you treated me so horribly and were mean to me" as if I pushed her to it while we were like on the break thing and i was trying to show her I was there.. while i was still nice..

Idk man I can't change it and I am happy it happened now.. I was planning on proposing this summer

March 25, 2013

I am sorry this happened to you,I feel for you .What i feel you need to know is you are not the one responsible solely for the break up , she failed to tell you what she needed ,to feel wanted and not taken forgranted, and it was easy enough for her to jump in to another relationship where she was shown attention instead of working on the breakdown in communication in yours and her relationship......why?

It is easier to face the enthrallment of a new relationship than to deal with the difficulties in another, its easy in early days to work on a new connection than to repair an old one....doesn't mean its the right thing to do to throw away a year relationship has its drawbacks....she will see them soon.....i woudl suggest when she is thinking clearly to seek professional therapy if she does come back communication is an area that needs work in your relationship so i sthe fact that a relationship is a two way street ....if you feel badly it is nto up to the other to read your mind.......needs to be talked out.......good luck with the no contact........if she truly loves you no other guy is going to be enough fro her....and if she realizes her part in the breakup....ringing up to yell at her....well....nah not good.......if she does come back however she has to know no relationship is ever perfect but one thing you can perfect is communication..........that relies on planning and strategy.......to know when to speak and to explain and how to problem solve......you are not the one who is solely responsible....it is obvious you care.....and are loving..an dpassionate about her....i hope that it works out for you and yours........the best fro both whatever that may be...together or apart....i remember one time i broke up with a guy and it was due to imcompatability in regards to timing, his mother had just lost her hiusband, and i felt the relationship between his mother and thsi guy i was passionate about was more important, he told me if you need me, im here, you can always come back deb.......i never did.....i let him go......but i will never forget his calm strength or the fact when he said what he said ,that he said it with love..it was the last time i spoke to him..so if you are going to go no contact in the hopes of getting her back let her know that you woudl eb there for her...if that is what you really want from going no contact.she will not know that so you need to say it..best wishes....deb

March 25, 2013

You expect that level of maturity from a 23 year old and suggest therapy after she was complained of being neglected and was left alone Valentines Day? Are you kidding us?

Please don't give advice like this.

Cali messed up with a young girl and needs to learn by this so he NEVER ignores a woman's needs next time or anytime.

I am sorry this happened to you,I feel for you .What i feel you need to know is you are not the one responsible solely for the break up , she failed to tell you what she needed ,to feel wanted and not taken forgranted, and it was easy enough for her to jump in to another relationship where she was shown attention instead of working on the breakdown in communication in yours and her relationship......why?

It is easier to face the enthrallment of a new relationship than to deal with the difficulties in another, its easy in early days to work on a new connection than to repair an old one....doesn't mean its the right thing to do to throw away a year relationship has its drawbacks....she will see them soon.....i woudl suggest when she is thinking clearly to seek professional therapy if she does come back communication is an area that needs work in your relationship so i sthe fact that a relationship is a two way street ....if you feel badly it is nto up to the other to read your mind.......needs to be talked out.......good luck with the no contact........if she truly loves you no other guy is going to be enough fro her....and if she realizes her part in the breakup....ringing up to yell at her....well....nah not good.......if she does come back however she has to know no relationship is ever perfect but one thing you can perfect is communication..........that relies on planning and strategy.......to know when to speak and to explain and how to problem solve......you are not the one who is solely responsible....it is obvious you care.....and are loving..an dpassionate about her....i hope that it works out for you and yours........the best fro both whatever that may be...together or apart....i remember one time i broke up with a guy and it was due to imcompatability in regards to timing, his mother had just lost her hiusband, and i felt the relationship between his mother and thsi guy i was passionate about was more important, he told me if you need me, im here, you can always come back deb.......i never did.....i let him go......but i will never forget his calm strength or the fact when he said what he said ,that he said it with love..it was the last time i spoke to him..so if you are going to go no contact in the hopes of getting her back let her know that you woudl eb there for her...if that is what you really want from going no contact.she will not know that so you need to say it..best wishes....deb

March 25, 2013

I am sorry this happened to you,I feel for you .What i feel you need to know is you are not the one responsible solely for the break up , she failed to tell you what she needed ,to feel wanted and not taken forgranted, and it was easy enough for her to jump in to another relationship where she was shown attention instead of working on the breakdown in communication in yours and her relationship......why?

It is easier to face the enthrallment of a new relationship than to deal with the difficulties in another, its easy in early days to work on a new connection than to repair an old one....doesn't mean its the right thing to do to throw away a year relationship has its drawbacks....she will see them soon.....i woudl suggest when she is thinking clearly to seek professional therapy if she does come back communication is an area that needs work in your relationship so i sthe fact that a relationship is a two way street ....if you feel badly it is nto up to the other to read your mind.......needs to be talked out.......good luck with the no contact........if she truly loves you no other guy is going to be enough fro her....and if she realizes her part in the breakup....ringing up to yell at her....well....nah not good.......if she does come back however she has to know no relationship is ever perfect but one thing you can perfect is communication..........that relies on planning and strategy.......to know when to speak and to explain and how to problem solve......you are not the one who is solely responsible....it is obvious you care.....and are loving..an dpassionate about her....i hope that it works out for you and yours........the best fro both whatever that may be...together or apart....i remember one time i broke up with a guy and it was due to imcompatability in regards to timing, his mother had just lost her hiusband, and i felt the relationship between his mother and thsi guy i was passionate about was more important, he told me if you need me, im here, you can always come back deb.......i never did.....i let him go......but i will never forget his calm strength or the fact when he said what he said ,that he said it with love..it was the last time i spoke to him..so if you are going to go no contact in the hopes of getting her back let her know that you woudl eb there for her...if that is what you really want from going no contact.she will not know that so you need to say it..best wishes....deb

Well I think part of why she jumped ship is her mother in her ear.. I know that every girl decides for herself... but her mom was throwing fuel on this fire and trying to get the ball rolling.. Her mother is very controlling and made her own mother get remarried later in life because she refused to let her live with the man she started dating out of wedlock... She also tells my now ex everytime something upsets her and she cries (she is very emotional and fragile) that "she is young, needs to be happy, and doesn't deserve to ever go a day being unhappy... and to break up with me, see other people, and if its meant to be its meant to be"... Not to mention that since the day she figured out we were serious she has told the now ex "It won't work out.. you can't marry your first love"

All because she followed her high school boyfriend off to college and they eventually broke up.. She married the next guy.. essentially a rebound within 8 months of dating and had a kid a year later (my ex).. And she is apparently unhappy with her marriage so she felt the need to tell my ex that so that she would really start focusing on negatives and thinking about ANY issue we have as being a lifetime sign of unhappiness..

I am going to move on for my sanity and everything.. And hopefully something happens with this "prince charming" who by the way has been texting her for teh last 6 months we were dating to "come hang out" and she described him as "a big brother and a coworker and a great guy friend"... But in my heart I feel like once the anger fades and something happens or she sees something flawed in him that she will really start thinking and finally hopefully realize that while my daggers thrown at her were direct and cut deep (words) her actions basically broke me..

The only reason I have fought this whole thing so strongly is because I know on so many levels that this guy is a doucher as he has been trying to get close to her for months.. and he was never an issue and she always shot him down up until we got really deep in this hole and he just pounced.. with constant "Im here for you" "hang out?" and finally days after we actually broke up "I swear I didn't like you when you had a boyfriend, but now that you are single, I see you in a different light.. And i really like you"

And all the while for weeks she would tell me "I know we could fix things and I know we could make things go back to normal.. I just don't know if I want to".. which is confusing as "normal" means marriage/happiness/etc.

March 25, 2013

You expect that level of maturity from a 23 year old and suggest therapy after she was complained of being neglected and was left alone Valentines Day? Are you kidding us?

Please don't give advice like this.

Cali messed up with a young girl and needs to learn by this so he NEVER ignores a woman's needs next time or anytime.

I will agree with this... ya I learned my lesson and learned what should be important...

But the way the events unfolded wasn't "I need more out of someone we are done. I love you but I can't do this anymore"

it was "I don't know what I want right now and I need to be alone to figure it out.. We can fix things right now and I know we can.. I just don't know.. I am really hurt right now"

Edit: It is more so the underlying confidence issue that is why she needed Valentines Day.. She needed flowers and card and everything to post on twitter, instagram, and facebook about how loved and special she is.. and so she can rationalize that our relationship is good enough and real... I mean yes she likes it and wants to feel special.. But its driven by an underlying confidence issue.

March 25, 2013

We had conversations like..

Her: I am pissed at you right now and hurt and angry.. And I don't want to fix things YET/RIGHT NOW

It doesn't make sense.. A lot of friends have told me she basically wanted me to go away for a month.. wait...while she sees whats up with this new guy showing attention.. and if its nothing then come back.. and if not then she won't come back

March 25, 2013

Cali,

You can't just go up to your girl, utter a few words and expect things will be okay, like there is nothing to worry about.

They are not wired like that and neither are most men. We might accept an explanation on the first round, but continual or long-term disappointment finally hit a breaking point and if there are any words to be considered, actions and lots of positive actions better accompany those words. It sounds like she hit the breaking point, no matter what you realize now.

When you're lucky to have another fine lady on your arm, remember this experience and treat her with the same respect and humiliation you feel today. She will love you for it.

All the best my friend.

We had conversations like..

Her: I am pissed at you right now and hurt and angry.. And I don't want to fix things YET/RIGHT NOW

It doesn't make sense.. A lot of friends have told me she basically wanted me to go away for a month.. wait...while she sees whats up with this new guy showing attention.. and if its nothing then come back.. and if not then she won't come back

March 25, 2013

You expect that level of maturity from a 23 year old and suggest therapy after she was complained of being neglected and was left alone Valentines Day? Are you kidding us?

Please don't give advice like this.

Cali messed up with a young girl and needs to learn by this so he NEVER ignores a woman's needs next time or anytime.

you gave your advice i gave mine and from what calidad has posted in his reply this girl has some mother issues that are probably affecting her judgment.....therapy would help with that........is confused about what she wants and what she doesnt want and also didnt communicate what she needed a relationship takes two .....not one....two people to work on it.......how are you to know her maturity level you dont know the girl neither do i....but a compassionate therapist would get to see both sides of the story......not just one....there are always more solutions to problems than just one......my advice was sound......she has issues before she got into a relationship......and will continue to have issues if she is confused....communication is key in any relationship and what this guy did with valentines day and everything else wasnt right.......never said it was right.....you arent a therapist in a professional way .....none of us are.....i offered my thoughts........and i stand by them..the opening poster has the choice to disregard my advice or use what he thinks is useful..........deb

March 25, 2013

Cali,

You can't just go up to your girl, utter a few words and expect things will be okay, like there is nothing to worry about.

They are not wired like that and neither are most men. We might accept an explanation on the first round, but continual or long-term disappointment finally hit a breaking point and if there are any words to be considered, actions and lots of positive actions better accompany those words. It sounds like she hit the breaking point, no matter what you realize now.

When you're lucky to have another fine lady on your arm, remember this experience and treat her with the same respect and humiliation you feel today. She will love you for it.

All the best my friend.

Her "breaking point" was not doing anything for an anniversary and for one valentines day... I don't know to what extent the other stuff is her trying to make up excuses or are real reasons..

I just know that people that saw us together in December and January were all shocked at her being "done" all of the sudden

March 25, 2013

you gave your advice i gave mine and from what calidad has posted in his reply this girl has some mother issues that are probably affecting her judgment.....therapy would help with that........is confused about what she wants and what she doesnt want and also didnt communicate what she needed a relationship takes two .....not one....two people to work on it.......how are you to know her maturity level you dont know the girl neither do i....but a compassionate therapist would get to see both sides of the story......not just one....there are always more solutions to problems than just one......my advice was sound......she has issues before she got into a relationship......and will continue to have issues if she is confused....communication is key in any relationship and what this guy did with valentines day and everything else wasnt right.......never said it was right.....you arent a therapist in a professional way .....none of us are.....i offered my thoughts........and i stand by them..the opening poster has the choice to disregard my advice or use what he thinks is useful..........deb

I am going to go no contact for a week or 2... reach out to her and just see how she is doing... and go from there..

Frankly a lot of close friends have told me to just leave her behind... Because I can never trust her again..

Things got really rough and she caved to the advances of a coworker who had been trying to get close to her for months..

Regardless of what my heart knows and wants.. I have to also think about whats best for me.. Just like she is doing..

the issue is telling my heart that the one person I never thought I would have to go without is now gone.. and isn't actually grieving or thinking or even contemplating getting back together.. Because there is a new something chomping at the bit to be whatever it is she wants and needs...

I am hoping after not talking to her for a couple weeks that I can maybe reach out to her and just have an honest open talk.. We really haven't had one yet.. She opens up a lil and then gets really defensive and tells me to go away.. From what I can tell she is basically just ignoring her heart and trying to force herself to move on and this is the easiest way to do it

March 25, 2013

You don't know what her breaking point was unless she disclosed it to you.

I am suggesting it; what 23 year old girl who is unsatisfied in her relationship wants to be sitting home at times and again on Valentines Day.

Seriously? Please tell me you don't think that didn't affect her final decision shortly afterwards?

Her "breaking point" was not doing anything for an anniversary and for one valentines day... I don't know to what extent the other stuff is her trying to make up excuses or are real reasons..

I just know that people that saw us together in December and January were all shocked at her being "done" all of the sudden

March 25, 2013

Understood -- you are entitled to an opinion.

Anyway, you can type in "big person" paragraphs with proper sentence structure, grammar and punctuation and give up on all the "dots". It would make your parade of thoughts much easier to follow that trying to page through WWII Morse Code?

you gave your advice i gave mine and from what calidad has posted in his reply this girl has some mother issues that are probably affecting her judgment.....therapy would help with that........is confused about what she wants and what she doesnt want and also didnt communicate what she needed a relationship takes two .....not one....two people to work on it.......how are you to know her maturity level you dont know the girl neither do i....but a compassionate therapist would get to see both sides of the story......not just one....there are always more solutions to problems than just one......my advice was sound......she has issues before she got into a relationship......and will continue to have issues if she is confused....communication is key in any relationship and what this guy did with valentines day and everything else wasnt right.......never said it was right.....you arent a therapist in a professional way .....none of us are.....i offered my thoughts........and i stand by them..the opening poster has the choice to disregard my advice or use what he thinks is useful..........deb

March 25, 2013

Thanks.. I am hoping... It just sucks cuz she hasn't owned up to anything and is still like.. well its your fault you didn't do this.. you didn't do that.. "I wasn't going to date him and didn't want to go on that date... until you treated me so horribly and were mean to me" as if I pushed her to it while we were like on the break thing and i was trying to show her I was there.. while i was still nice..

Idk man I can't change it and I am happy it happened now.. I was planning on proposing this summer

Discover a new freedom that's available to you. Be liberated from all this thing. Be an observer the next time you date. Don't ever get attached. You become immune to all such experiences. It's instinctively felt that love, marriage, kids - makes life worth living. What if it's the opposite?

Lucky are those who fall truly in love -

no bugging, no expectations - be friends, be grateful for each other.

Take no offense in anything you speak to each other.

Fight with each other and feel terribly happy like drunk *******s.

After all we are two creatures of completely different brain circuitry - how can you know what the opposite needs without asking?

You are young, you can always find somebody again. Good luck dude

March 25, 2013

Well I think part of why she jumped ship is her mother in her ear.. I know that every girl decides for herself... but her mom was throwing fuel on this fire and trying to get the ball rolling.. Her mother is very controlling and made her own mother get remarried later in life because she refused to let her live with the man she started dating out of wedlock... She also tells my now ex everytime something upsets her and she cries (she is very emotional and fragile) that "she is young, needs to be happy, and doesn't deserve to ever go a day being unhappy... and to break up with me, see other people, and if its meant to be its meant to be"... Not to mention that since the day she figured out we were serious she has told the now ex "It won't work out.. you can't marry your first love"

All because she followed her high school boyfriend off to college and they eventually broke up.. She married the next guy.. essentially a rebound within 8 months of dating and had a kid a year later (my ex).. And she is apparently unhappy with her marriage so she felt the need to tell my ex that so that she would really start focusing on negatives and thinking about ANY issue we have as being a lifetime sign of unhappiness..

I am going to move on for my sanity and everything.. And hopefully something happens with this "prince charming" who by the way has been texting her for teh last 6 months we were dating to "come hang out" and she described him as "a big brother and a coworker and a great guy friend"... But in my heart I feel like once the anger fades and something happens or she sees something flawed in him that she will really start thinking and finally hopefully realize that while my daggers thrown at her were direct and cut deep (words) her actions basically broke me..

The only reason I have fought this whole thing so strongly is because I know on so many levels that this guy is a doucher as he has been trying to get close to her for months.. and he was never an issue and she always shot him down up until we got really deep in this hole and he just pounced.. with constant "Im here for you" "hang out?" and finally days after we actually broke up "I swear I didn't like you when you had a boyfriend, but now that you are single, I see you in a different light.. And i really like you"

And all the while for weeks she would tell me "I know we could fix things and I know we could make things go back to normal.. I just don't know if I want to".. which is confusing as "normal" means marriage/happiness/etc.

i really stand by I think this girl needs therapy, you said the guy is a douche so her radar is out, she jumped into a relationship straight up after a break up ....so avoidance issues most likely........i know because i did this too never got therapy adn jumped into a relationship straight after a break up when i was younger and stayed in a relationship fro fifteen years with a serial cheat.......i was vulnerable i guess wanted to feel loved.....etc.....didnt talk to anyone didnt seek therapy so i was easy pickings....

I also had parental abandonment issues.....so i stand by my therapy statement even if this girl doesnt come back or never comes back she is in for a hard road if she leaves issues she has under the table, and not talked abotu with someone in a professional capacity.....i dont regret where i have been and what i have done as it bought me here to this blue sky morning....who knows i could even be dead.....but i know if i had received therapy at a younger age than what i did...my life might have been a little easier to navigate in....best wishes calidad...discredit or disregard my advice as another poster has, or choose to use what makes sense to you.....i wish you well......deb

March 25, 2013

Discover a new freedom that's available to you. Be liberated from all this thing. Be an observer the next time you date. Don't ever get attached. You become immune to all such experiences. It's instinctively felt that love, marriage, kids - makes life worth living. What if it's the opposite?

Lucky are those who fall truly in love -
no bugging, no expectations - be friends, be grateful for each other.
Take no offense in anything you speak to each other.
Fight with each other and feel terribly happy like drunk *******s.
After all we are two creatures of completely different brain circuitry - how can you know what the opposite needs without asking?

You are young, you can always find somebody again. Good luck dude

Not going to lie.. This used to be my methodology and thought process in relationships.. She really changed me down to my core.. I went from never taking anything too seriously and when relationships end just say "cool thanks, it was fun" and move on and don't look at what you lost but what you have the potential to gain...

The age at which you find love and the number of people you have been with when you find it is BULL... and people who say "you are too young to be married" are generally single and later in life and it was their choice and they are happy so its the right one...

Everyone has their own experiences that affect their advice and what did or didn't work for them.. I know just as many high school sweethearts that are married 20+ years later as those who are divorced.. same goes for people getting married at 22, 25, 30, etc.

I have realized where I went wrong and I realize that i pushed her away and made it worse... But at this point unless someone has better advice or a "game plan" or an idea of something I can try or propose to her..

I am going to go no contact for a couple weeks. and just try striking up a conversation and see where her head is at.

The last thing I told her was to please stop trying to force her heart into a compartment because the people in her ear are telling her mind that its wrong

March 25, 2013

Thanks.. I am hoping... It just sucks cuz she hasn't owned up to anything and is still like.. well its your fault you didn't do this.. you didn't do that.. "I wasn't going to date him and didn't want to go on that date... until you treated me so horribly and were mean to me" as if I pushed her to it while we were like on the break thing and i was trying to show her I was there.. while i was still nice..

Idk man I can't change it and I am happy it happened now.. I was planning on proposing this summer

Discover a new freedom that's available to you. Be liberated from all this thing. Be an observer the next time you date. Don't ever get attached. You become immune to all such experiences. It's instinctively felt that love, marriage, kids - makes life worth living. What if it's the opposite?

Lucky are those who fall truly in love -

no bugging, no expectations - be friends, be grateful for each other.

Take no offense in anything you speak to each other.

Fight with each other and feel terribly happy like drunk *******s.

After all we are two creatures of completely different brain circuitry - how can you know what the opposite needs without asking?

You are young, you can always find somebody again. Good luck dude

March 25, 2013

Understood -- you are entitled to an opinion.

Anyway, you can type in "big person" paragraphs with proper sentence structure, grammar and punctuation and give up on all the "dots". It would make your parade of thoughts much easier to follow that trying to page through WWII Morse Code?

I type how i want to type keep your eyes on the issues involved with the poster not on my grammar.......that would be more of a help to the poster than ridiculing me.......the poster read my reply and answered, you dont need to read my reply it wasnt written for you grammatically, punctuation wise....or even thought wise.....you have made me feel like crap so mission objective achieved ...you can move on now.....please dont reply to me again...BIG PEOPLE dont knock grammar or ellipses....get over it....deb

March 25, 2013

The last thing I told her was to please stop trying to force her heart into a compartment because the people in her ear are telling her mind that its wrong or because she is afraid.. And her mind and gut probably think we are wrong because of the people in her ear and all of the negative things going on.. I am the catalyst for that and I have made things worse.. But it is also a "perfect storm" going right now...

-Guy in the tailwinds who has been her "friend" and gotten close to her and is giving the attention she feels she didn't have

-Controlling overbearing mother forcing her opinions on what is or isn't right and how I "wouldn't do what I have done or say what I said.. If I loved her".. though she more than likely understands it is coming from a place of great hurt and anger

-Couple little fights over dumb **** building to a peak

-Me asking for a weekend to study instead of working everything out

March 25, 2013

The last thing I told her was to please stop trying to force her heart into a compartment because the people in her ear are telling her mind that its wrong or because she is afraid.. And her mind and gut probably think we are wrong because of the people in her ear and all of the negative things going on.. I am the catalyst for that and I have made things worse.. But it is also a "perfect storm" going right now...

-Guy in the tailwinds who has been her "friend" and gotten close to her and is giving the attention she feels she didn't have
-Controlling overbearing mother forcing her opinions on what is or isn't right and how I "wouldn't do what I have done or say what I said.. If I loved her".. though she more than likely understands it is coming from a place of great hurt and anger
-Couple little fights over dumb **** building to a peak
-Me asking for a weekend to study instead of working everything out

If my posting style annoys you let me know and ill try to make it more legible for you......key word....... you.......

People listen to others and make decisions based on others opinions when they are not sure of who they are, they dont trust themselves so they seek external validation from other sources.....i do it all the time....difference with me is ....i follow my own heart because i know that heart of mine is true......she needs external validation from a neutral party to get her head and heart straight and it isnt going to be easy for her , the first step is to admit that she needs help before she can seek it.......if i was this girl's friend, i would be going with her as a support person to find help talking her into helping herself by seeking appropriate non bias help-.......does she have a close girlfriend you could talk to or do you have mutual friends that might be able to be supportive?....deb

March 25, 2013

If my posting style annoys you let me know and ill try to make it more legible for you......key word....... you.......

People listen to others and make decisions based on others opinions when they are not sure of who they are, they dont trust themselves so they seek external validation from other sources.....i do it all the time....difference with me is ....i follow my own heart because i know that heart of mine is true......she needs external validation from a neutral party to get her head and heart straight and it isnt going to be easy for her , the first step is to admit that she needs help before she can seek it.......if i was this girl's friend, i would be going with her as a support person to find help talking her into helping herself by seeking appropriate non bias help-.......does she have a close girlfriend you could talk to or do you have mutual friends that might be able to be supportive?....deb

I also don't mind the "......." I do it too. It is like pauses between thoughts. Not necessarily a paragraph break just a change in process or drawn out thought.

Yes and I think you kind of touch on what I said before.. She needs the external validation to know she is doing the right thing.. Good or bad. I tried reaching out to a couple of her friends but they are all still in college and are more concerned with "backing up their friend" and "supporting her" than with actually just trying to help... Its been extremely difficult.. There is one girl.. But the ex hasn't reached out to her at all. She actually reached out to my ex, but they haven't talked at all. I think its because my ex knows I have been talking to her..

Everything she does she needs to know she is doing the right thing.. and this whole fight and other guy put doubt and uncertainty on everything.. I know i have made everything worse and if I just gave her a week to think a month ago we wouldn't be here. But I did what I felt I needed to do at the time based on the circumstances and what she told me.. I can't change that...

I just wish she really would go talk to someone and get help or some REAL advice.. Because even if she is fed up with me.. Turning around and dating the divorced coworker who is 7+ years older isn't the answer and will end badly.. it is a mistake.. But i can't help her not make it..

To emphasize her mom.. her mom apparently is okay with them hanging out right now because he is a "good guy".. her parents are VERY conservative and I know they would NOT be okay with their daughter actually getting serious with him.. She is just happy its not me and she is done with me

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