CanadaGuy Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 Well, here is the chain of events that is drining me crazy. Before your read it, we have(had??) a great relationship of 12 years we are (were) best friends, lovers & partners. We are still very attracted to each other (we stay in shape) we always hold hands, and kiss every day. Sex is good about 3-5 times a week (I'd like more, but I have a much higher sex drive then most guys) After being caught, she stills says she loves me, and wants me not him. I even over heard the two of them talking, and he said "your at home with the better man" So I know she loves me, but can not figure out why she continued the affiar after I found out. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance. So here is the chain of events: Her & her boss & mentor “Him” Dec 2003 it started Feb 21, 2004 found condom in the Audi, May 18 Barb & Him have sex in his wife’s bed, while I’m @ golf tournament. I try calling Barb, and no answer, and she does not return my calls May 19, I her Barb whiskering downstairs, I pick up the phone to over hear Barb & Him, saying I love you, barb say “I’ll be at the cottage, I’ll be missing you, I’m going to the Jazz festival, I’ll be thinking & missing you, I love you” He say I love you, you tired me out after a couple hours of screwing in his wife’s bed May 19, I get barb to come home to discuss what the heck is going on, ask about an affair, she lies, ask is she having sex with Jeff, she lies again. Finally after I tell her how I know she admits to what’s going on. I call Jeff, to set discuss, I tell them both they can not be in each others cars, under no circumstances. They both agree. Tuesday May 25th after the long weekend, I go down on Barb & she tastes like a condom. I confront here the following week, she denies it, I ask Jeff, he says he wasn’t with Barb, but maybe someone else was (what a nice guy) So could she be having other affairs?? May 31, I let Barb go out to Vinnies (a restaurant downtown) to accept a Bank award, I remind her not to take Him in her car. They both go on “the subway” and take a “10 minute drive” to his condo. She admits to kissing him. She comes home and kisses me. They were in Barb’s car for 1 ½ hours in a dark parking lot in the corner. June 13th, Sister & Brother come over to confront Barb. Finally I feel she realizes she could loose me forever. June 14th, Barb tells Jeff, all further personal communications stop effective immediately. Barb calls me to tell me, and I finally have my first day in three weeks that I believe she is not doing sexual things anymore with her boss. I have my first day that I start to feel better. June 17th, Barb’s brother Mark say to Barb “if you ever come near Jeff, I will disown you as a sister. A few hours later they have sex on his desk @ work. June 18th, They laugh about her hands were where her butt was June 18th, Barb invites Jeff over to our house. He say’s no, she pushes, he says o.k. Barb also was upset @ Jeff for removing her phone numbers from her cell phone, he said “but barb we have to stay away from each other” Barb says “no we don’t” June 21st, I find out what happened while I was in Montreal, I kick Barb out of the house, and take my ring back. A week later she moves back in (no-longer my fiancé) July & August, phone call’s from Barbs car phone continue Barb shows no sign of remorse (not sure what that would be?? but I thought I'd feel something) Barb will not give up Jeff as a friend, and will not give up communications with him.
man on man Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 maaaaaaaaaan oh maaaaaaaaaan....i feel for you..don't know what to say...i can't t imagine how i would feel....the most logical thing to do is kick her to the curb...stop lettin' her walk all over you...move on ..move forward...keep your sanity and hopefully you'll find someone better.
supermom Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 Barb sounds like a selfish unremorseful woman who is taking advantage of you and acting like a slut. You should dump barb before you get an std.
Author CanadaGuy Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by man on man maaaaaaaaaan oh maaaaaaaaaan....i feel for you..don't know what to say...i can't t imagine how i would feel....the most logical thing to do is kick her to the curb...stop lettin' her walk all over you...move on ..move forward...keep your sanity and hopefully you'll find someone better. Originally posted by supermom Barb sounds like a selfish unremorseful woman who is taking advantage of you and acting like a slut. You should dump barb before you get an std. Why would anyone do these things, even after being caught, and still say she loves me, and I'm the one she wants. Any idea's ?? Can a boss minipulate someone so well, that they don't know they are being minipulated??
supermom Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Can a boss minipulate someone so well, that they don't know they are being minipulated?? It's called free will. No a boss or anyone should not have that kind of power. Affairs are done by people who know what they are doing. She is not being manipulated or hypnotized into this..she has free will and is doing it because she wants to. She has the ability to say no.
Author CanadaGuy Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by supermom It's called free will. No a boss or anyone should not have that kind of power. Affairs are done by people who know what they are doing. She is not being manipulated or hypnotized into this..she has free will and is doing it because she wants to. She has the ability to say no. Why do think she is dragging me along like this?? Why not just leave me alone?? I have told her to leave me alone, but she continues to say that is it over (not sure now, but her boss's boss knows, and she no longer works under his management, and his wifes knows as well) I understand I must sound like a patsi, or a looser, but prior to these "events" she was amazing, we had a great time together, I'm so confused why she would just throw it in the grabage?? Thanks for your help & input. Sincerly, Confused
mm891 Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by TorontoGuy Well, here is the chain of events that is drining me crazy. Before your read it, we have(had??) a great relationship of 12 years we are (were) best friends, lovers & partners. We are still very attracted to each other (we stay in shape) we always hold hands, and kiss every day. Sex is good about 3-5 times a week (I'd like more, but I have a much higher sex drive then most guys) After being caught, she stills says she loves me, and wants me not him. I even over heard the two of them talking, and he said "your at home with the better man" So I know she loves me, but can not figure out why she continued the affiar after I found out. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance. So here is the chain of events: Her & her boss & mentor “Him” Dec 2003 it started Feb 21, 2004 found condom in the Audi, May 18 Barb & Him have sex in his wife’s bed, while I’m @ golf tournament. I try calling Barb, and no answer, and she does not return my calls May 19, I her Barb whiskering downstairs, I pick up the phone to over hear Barb & Him, saying I love you, barb say “I’ll be at the cottage, I’ll be missing you, I’m going to the Jazz festival, I’ll be thinking & missing you, I love you” He say I love you, you tired me out after a couple hours of screwing in his wife’s bed May 19, I get barb to come home to discuss what the heck is going on, ask about an affair, she lies, ask is she having sex with Jeff, she lies again. Finally after I tell her how I know she admits to what’s going on. I call Jeff, to set discuss, I tell them both they can not be in each others cars, under no circumstances. They both agree. Tuesday May 25th after the long weekend, I go down on Barb & she tastes like a condom. I confront here the following week, she denies it, I ask Jeff, he says he wasn’t with Barb, but maybe someone else was (what a nice guy) So could she be having other affairs?? May 31, I let Barb go out to Vinnies (a restaurant downtown) to accept a Bank award, I remind her not to take Him in her car. They both go on “the subway” and take a “10 minute drive” to his condo. She admits to kissing him. She comes home and kisses me. They were in Barb’s car for 1 ½ hours in a dark parking lot in the corner. June 13th, Sister & Brother come over to confront Barb. Finally I feel she realizes she could loose me forever. June 14th, Barb tells Jeff, all further personal communications stop effective immediately. Barb calls me to tell me, and I finally have my first day in three weeks that I believe she is not doing sexual things anymore with her boss. I have my first day that I start to feel better. June 17th, Barb’s brother Mark say to Barb “if you ever come near Jeff, I will disown you as a sister. A few hours later they have sex on his desk @ work. June 18th, They laugh about her hands were where her butt was June 18th, Barb invites Jeff over to our house. He say’s no, she pushes, he says o.k. Barb also was upset @ Jeff for removing her phone numbers from her cell phone, he said “but barb we have to stay away from each other” Barb says “no we don’t” June 21st, I find out what happened while I was in Montreal, I kick Barb out of the house, and take my ring back. A week later she moves back in (no-longer my fiancé) July & August, phone call’s from Barbs car phone continue Barb shows no sign of remorse (not sure what that would be?? but I thought I'd feel something) Barb will not give up Jeff as a friend, and will not give up communications with him.
Author CanadaGuy Posted September 13, 2004 Author Posted September 13, 2004 Originally posted by mm891 You posted a blank reply, just quote of what I said. Please try your post again. Thanks
Fritz Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Wow, you're lucky found out before you married her IMO. She sounds like maybe she's woken up from the fog of the affair but judge her by her actions not her words. Anyway dont fall into the trap of, "maybe she was manipulated" because it sure doesnt sound like that at all. I'd run not walk away.
Papillon Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Ow. This sounds extreeeeeeeemely painful and heart-rending. Luckily I've never been cheated on (at, least, to my knowledge). But I managed to put myself in your shoes for a moment, and I can say I got an ice cold chill down my spine. I don't envy you. I personally don't think I could manage to work through something like that. I'd end the relationship.
jmargel Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Toronto, Have you asked her why she has done and continuing doing this? Not only has she cheated on you, but lied as well. Lied in so much to keep doing it. She has no respect for you or the relationship. There is no trust anymore, which is one of the vital foundations to this relationship. You've been together 12 years, are you sure she hasn't done this in the past? Have things been truly good before all of this? If she is serious about you, she needs to stop all contact and goto a good licensed marriage counselor with you. It kinda sounds like you are co-dependant on her, which after 12 years of being together could happen. Which means, your life revolves around her. In so much that, you are numbing down what are considered 'deal-breakers', ie. cheating. She is not paying any consequences for her actions and with her selfish behavior she is just not going to 'stop' seeing this guy. Remember in my link I talk about the weeds. Even if she does stop seeing him, it's only temporary until she goes back to him, or finds someone else. You two need to find 'why' she is doing this and she needs to understand she is doing damage that might not be abled to be fixed.
fredrolin Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 After 12 years together you are a huge part of her life and she surely does love you. But she must want MORE out of life than just being with you. I can understand this. I had a girlfriend cheat on me. She tried to break up with me first but I wouldn't let go. She still loved me and I stayed in her life (I worked for her father at the time and her brother was my best friend at the time) and I had to painfully watch her date other guys. Eventually I let go and moved on...things can never be the same after that trust and bond are broken.
Author CanadaGuy Posted November 12, 2004 Author Posted November 12, 2004 Things are getting a bit better, and we are off to Mexico next week for a week alone. Her calls to "him" have stopped for the last 2 months. And I'm looking after me now, not us, and ironically it helps big time Thanks for all the input and support
hooghie Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Torontoguy, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You seem like a nice guy and you've given her plenty of chances. She cheated and continued to cheat- she disrespected you over and over again. It sounds like you are determined to make this work and I envy you for that because I could never get over the initial cheating and disrespect. Just be careful- enjoy your trip to Mexico, but PLEASE do not marry her any time in the near future. She did it with this guy and perhaps the only reason she stopped is because HE ended it- not because she loves you so much and realizes her mistake. Unless you are 100% certain she will NEVER do it again- cut your losses and move on. good luck
head/heels Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 MOVE ON AND DONT LOOK BACK YOU ARE DISRESPECTING YOURSELF AND YOU DESERVE MORE IN LIFE>>>>> YOU ARE SAYING TO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..........I DONT THINK I AM WORTHY OF AN HONEST, LOVING PARTNER!!! BUT YOU ARE AND SHE IS NEVER EVER GOING TO BE FAITHFUL TO YOU AGAIN...MARK MY WORDS AND PIN THEM TO YOUR FOREHEAD AND HERS..... YOU WILL ALSO TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT YOU TRUST HER BUT YOU WILL KNOW IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH THAT YOU DONT AND NEVER WILL BE ABLE TOO>>> YOU CAN LIE TO US ON HERE, YOU CAN LIE TO YOUR LOVED ONES, HELL EVEN HER, BUT YOU CANT LIE TO YOURSELF, RIGHT? CUT YOUR TIES TO HER AND DONT LOOK BACK, YOU DONT DESERVE A WHOOORE LIKE THAT, NOT EVEN MY WORST ENENMY SHOULD HAVE A WOMAN LIKE THAT>>> LET HER AND HIM HAVE A GO AT IT AND THEN SHE CAN CHEAT ON HIM AND HE CAN CHEAT ON HER AND SHE WILL BE 50 BEFORE SHE KNOWS IT AND SAY "WHAT THE FU(K HAPPENED TO MY LIFE>...I NEVER REALLY LOVED ANYBODY! TOO BAD!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT HER KEEPER OR HER LIFE COACH>>>> ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY OR SAD! CHOOSE LIFE W/O HER AND BE HAPPY AND WORRY FREE (granted it will take a lot of time and work to be completey free of thoughts from her but it will get better!) Go out with friends and family.... Finally, one last dose of reality, you say everything is better and all, but are you positive she is done with him....i mean i would expect her to quit her job and search for a new one if she really was over him and interested in making it work with you 2....if she hasnt then she is not over him and i would be willing to guess they have been together (only more carefully so you dont find out-because she is emotionally attached to you still that is why she is doing this-she wants her cake and to be able to eat it too) RUN PLEASE,,,,ASK GOD FOR HELP HE WILL PULL YOU AWAY FROM HER IF YOU JUST TRUST IN HIM! GOD PROVIDES...he provided you with this knowledge and he is trying to see what you will do with it! dont let him down
Fritz Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by TorontoGuy Things are getting a bit better, and we are off to Mexico next week for a week alone. Her calls to "him" have stopped for the last 2 months. And I'm looking after me now, not us, and ironically it helps big time Thanks for all the input and support Well thats good. You have to look after yourself because I don't think anyone else is going to do it for you in this situation. I'd think very very carefully about what your really feel though before getting too serious again. I have a feeling that until you show her you mean business, she'll take you for granted.
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