Boyfriend broke up with me, should i try to get him back?

[aquafish]

Hi,

Ive never posted on anything like this before but my boyfriend recently broke up with me and I am having issues making sense of things. Any help would be appreciated

 

Background: My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. Im 28 and he is 25, we met when he was 23 and I was his first real relationship or serious interaction with a girl in general. I was the first girl he ever liked and actually had any interaction with at all. We lived an 1.5 hours a part but saw each other every weekend. Since I moved back home, I made the trip 3/4 weekends in a month since my work allowed me to stay over Friday-Sunday nights at his house.

 

He was a good boyfriend in the sense that we were very compatible personality wise and had a lot of fun together and he would do nice things for me but as things progressed, it seemed as if I wanted more from the relationship and he would make me feel badly about that. For example, since I was older we had a lot of weddings, events to attend. He would complain about them non stop until I was in tears half the time before we went. When he got there we'd have a great time so I didn't understand why he would act like when Id express this to him he'd say that most guys wouldnt even attend all the events that he does, so I should be thankful for that.

 

He would text me multiple times throughout the day with I love you or miss you but when Id ask him to text me stuff like when he got home from work or was with a friend he'd get angry and say i was trying to check up on him. I told him I just wanted to make it seem like we were together even though we were a part and he told me that was stupid because we were apart and I should be satisfied with what we had.

 

I asked him to put me first in our relationship and he said he wasnt like that. That his family, me and work were all the same on his priorities and Id have to live with that. He also would never talk about the future. He would say he loved me right now, so we'd take things one day at a time and the fact that I always needed to know more about the future was annoying.

 

Things started to unravel for us when I found out he was thinking about going to grad school. His parents told me this. He had never mentioned it to me at all. I offered to move to him and he said he wasn't ready for that because he looked at that as a pre engagement and he wasnt ready for it. I offered to wait 2 more years to move to him and he said he still couldnt give me an answer.

 

Basically here is my problem. He broke up with me because he said he couldnt give me what he wanted. He said he just turned 25, hates his job, didnt know who he was in life and what he wanted to do or be and because his life was so uncertain, he couldnt give me a fair plan for the future and that wasn't fair to me. He also always was very insecure about his looks and constantly told me that girls didnt find him attractive. He never looked at other girls when we were out but I could see his demeanor change when a pretty girl spoke to him, I could tell he liked the attention. Recently, a very attractive, young girl, started to work with him and even though she was in a relationship with another woman, she constantly contacted him and he was too friendly back. He admitted to me he liked the attention and that because of that he felt weak and realized he wasnt the man he thought he was yet. He said he had no feelings for her, which I do believe, but that he did like the attention because it made him feel good that a pretty girl wanted to talk to him.

 

I really did love him and he had so many things about him I dont think Ill find in another man. Do you guys think that my expectations were too much? Im worried that I should have been more understanding and let him mature for a few years and not have been so demanding in what I wanted. Im worried I wont find someone I connected with the way I did with him. Help

[A1A]

First, stop blaming yourself. If you were to cheat on him than it’s a different story, but nothing from you wrote was your fault. As much as I hated to hear that, but it is true to you too; it’s him, not you!! And by saying that I don’t mean that it is his fault, it is just him not being in the same position as you are. You are also giving all the reasons yourself – you are saying that you were his first serious relationship; that he liked the attention from the pretty girl; that he still uncertain about his future plans… He is young, and sweetie you are young too, and even though you love him and afraid not to find someone like him, you will find and maybe someone that will be giving you more than tears before going to an event. If you still think that he will want you the way you want him… Give him time. But meanwhile have No Contact and try to see if you REALLY want him. Good Luck!

[Treasa]

Hi,

I really did love him and he had so many things about him I dont think Ill find in another man. Do you guys think that my expectations were too much? Im worried that I should have been more understanding and let him mature for a few years and not have been so demanding in what I wanted. Im worried I wont find someone I connected with the way I did with him. Help

 

The part I bolded is a GOOD THING. You, my dear, sound clingy and insecure, and he sounds young and controlling. You don't offer to wait to move two years to be with him. You either just wait or you don't. You're asking him to commit, subtly to you, but he doesn't want to.

 

Find a guy who wants what you want, and who doesn't gripe about going to events with you.

 

Also, let a guy contact you when he wants to, assuming you aren't married and don't have reasons to check in with each other. Don't ask a guy to check in with you. You aren't a prison warden.

[aquafish]

I'm not clingy but I was starting to feel insecure in the relationship even though I always felt secure about myself. You are right that I did want him to commit and he didn't want to. I guess maybe I was asking if it was wrong to make him do that. He never wanted to talk about the future at all and said he was happy with long distance so that he could get stuff done during the week and then see me on the weekends. I guess I felt that after 2 years someone should want to eliminate distance or at least be able to talk about it and when he would refuse it started to make me feel insecure about our relationship.

 

I never wanted him to check in to keep tabs on him. I just felt like if I was going to dinner with a friend, Id want to tell him just to share with him about my day and he never wanted to do that. I guess I wanted him to want to make me a bigger part of his life and he didn't.

 

In a way the things you said were right but I am worried that I should have put my wants/needs aside for awhile since he was young and I felt like he had a lot of the qualities I want in someone or if a relationship with 2 people that are in totally different points in their lives just wasnt meant to work.

[aquafish]

Thank you. I really appreciate that. We are on two different points in life which caused a lot of problems. He always made me feel like my needs were unreasonable so I am used to blaming myself and I guess was worried that I pushed him away with needs that I didn't find that extreme but he did.

[KatZee]

Yeah, don't try to get him back. My ex pulled the EXACT same thing yours is.

 

He told me all of this: "He hates his job, didnt know who he was in life and what he wanted to do or be and because his life was so uncertain, he couldnt give me a fair plan for the future and that wasn't fair to me."

 

It was complete BS. I mean maybe deep down he really did feel those things, but at the end of the day if someone wants to be with you, they WILL be with you despite all of the above. Long story short, is that he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't see a future with you and it's a waste of his time AND yours to continue on in this relationship.

 

I wound up waiting around for 19 months while my ex went out of state for his graduate degree. I was the faithful and supportive girlfriend. He finally completed the degree, got a job back in our home state, and he dumped me probably 1-2 months after coming back home, stating all of the above.

 

Turns out he just met a new girl at his new job and he thought he had his fall back plan. He was saying things like "there is no one else, I don't want a new girlfriend, I can see us getting back together, I just need to be single to get my head straight..."

 

FIVE WEEKS after dumping me and throwing our three year relationship away, he's bringing a new girl around his family. I was LIVID because I finally saw what a lying, cheating POS he was. He just didn't have the balls to tell me he didn't want to be with me so he strung me along.

 

Don't sit around and wait for your ex to "regret" his decision. He won't. Don't try to get him back. HE left you. HE should be trying to get you back if he really wants you back. Go complete NC. Don't try to be his friend, I guarantee you will find out soon enough that there's someone else in the picture.