waterwoman Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Please don't get rid of your mothers china, etc. Consider getting a storage unit temporarily. Those things are not stuff you can replace. Everything else is just "stuff" and long term won't matter, but heirlooms are worth the cost of storage and you may want them again. . I second that! Please don't get rid of them,
Decorative Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Gently, your nature is going to harm you, psychologically. You need to take a giant step back from her. You're enmeshed in a way that will inhibit you from moving forward. I had zero contact with my spouse without an intermediary when we were separated, and that was prior to a reconciliation. You have decided on a divorce and you're on top of each other.
2sunny Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Get a bigger bed and forgo the eating table/chairs! Eat on the sofa! Eat wherever YOU want to - no one will tell you not to eat on the bed - the floor - the couch! You won't be there as much since you work away from home - just get a big bed and decorate around that! 1
carhill Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 OP, also, if you can swing it and haven't yet tried it, try some exit counseling. IC can help you process the current and upcoming events in ways to prevent/move past the 'inhibitions' to moving forward. MC served that function for us. The purpose, for me anyway, was retaining the M but, when D appeared to be the path, the counseling really helped me with the process. 1
jlola Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 His wife and the school know about their affair, hence they've been sent to different schools to work. Even if we did sell the house and split the sale cost, I'd still only be leaving with around 10k, because the housing market here is complete garbage. The affair is over as far as I know, and has been over since last August. But they are welcome to eachother now that I am moving out. She could turn real nasty in the courts, and could easily use her illness to drag out the divorce proceedings, plus she could turn on my pension and make my life as a fire fighter very difficult. As much as I dislike tucking my tail between my legs, it's smarter that I do so. In the end, she will be the one to suffer, since she is already panicked about who will walk the dog, take out the trash, cut the lawn and maintain the house. Let her find another man to do that, and he can learn that she hates sex with the people she's with, and she'll just continue to use someone. I've warned her, that some wives will go insane finding out you've slept with their husbands, I won't feel bad if you end up in a gutter because of it. She cries none stop when I get home, cooks me my favorite meals now, even though she knows we're finished. I truely believe the weight of what she has done is coming crashing down on her shoulders, and it's too much weight to bear so she's breaking down. Minus her complete lack of sleep, drastic weight loss and her illness kicking her arse, I think she's getting what she deserves finally. But it pains me to see her this way, and I help where I can. It's in my nature. And yes there is resentment, but I've exposed the affair, his wife knows, his kids know. But still it isn't enough, there are plenty of times that instead of a propane cylinder in a basement of a house fire, I envision it's him in the basement burning to death. Unhealthy, but such is life. You will not believe what I have to say now, but consider yourself lucky. Years from now when you are with a good woman, you will understand what I mean. From a lot that you have written, your wife reminds me of my oldest sister.Most of my sister"s ex husbands are "Knights in shinning armor" and she makes an excellent damsel. She always finds a man to "rescue" her. With her 3rd husband Not only was she cheating on him. But soon as they married, she had him sell his old house because she said she could not bear the thought of living in a home his ex wife had chosen. So he sells the home he had no mortgage on and builds her a brand new one ALL PAID FOR with her name as half owner. Well after about a year they divorce. He ends up giving her hundreds of thousands of dollars as her share of the home. She also leaves with a brand new car paid in full. She calls me one day to complain about what an ASS her ex is and how mean he is. She had spent her money on a house way too big for herself at the very end of the market high against everyone's advice cause she is impulsive(now the home was worth nearly half),vacations,jewelry,clothes and it was mostly gone. Even though she has a great career and earns more than most, money burns a hole in her pocket. So she thinks calling the ex who is another state to ask for half the vet bills because the dog is sick makes sense. Well , "the selfish SOB hangs up on her after she tells him what happened". Oblivious to her actions as always,she forwards his "nasty" email(which was not nasty at all, considering she treated him like crap) telling her NEVER to contact him again,with this video attached. My other sister and I laughed our butts off because the song fit her so well. Ex finally understood who she was behind her "victim mask". Funny thing is, in my culture there is a saying when someone is no good they have "bad blood". My mother would often wonder out loud how my sister got such "bad blood" when it came to controlling her impulses with men. I would tell her she and my stepsister got the "bad blood" from my father. 1
Artie Lang Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) well, it sounds like you've done all you could as far as exposure is concerned. i can see why you have all this pent-up resentment, though. he basically got a free pass for screwing your wife. i mean he did get exposed, but his marriage is still intact. it infuriates me more given your profession. here you are risking life & limb doing an admirable job, while your wife was boinking this POS for two years- UNFORGIVABLE! maybe you should look into counseling to get over this resentment. and please..... let your wife deal with her maladies all by herself from now on. she should consider herself lucky you even speak to her. the word of tue day is DETACH DETACH DETACH. she has nothing more to offer you. good luck, m'man. Edited March 25, 2013 by Artie Lang 1
Act Two Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I don't mean to diminish your pain in anyway, or to suggest that what you are going through doesn't suck tremendously, but this is just meant to offer some perspective. 1. Be glad you are ONLY 28! A baby! You are fortunate that you have already owned a home. I work with many young teachers already in their 30s who can only dream of owning a home. You will own one again. 2. You have no children to drag through this and can start over "cleanly." 3. I've had people counsel me to do this (even though I'm a public servant just like you), but it's good advice: try to do something service oriented such as volunteering in a soup kitchen. This will help you to return to a place of gratitude despite the suckiness of your situation. 4. Don't let her have the china!! 3
2sunny Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I'd stop being nice to the woman that completely screwed you over. Act mad at HER! Get mad and say what's on your mind! She's the POS! 3
jlola Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I'd stop being nice to the woman that completely screwed you over. Act mad at HER! Get mad and say what's on your mind! She's the POS! I would stop it too. I understand you are proud of being being a "White Knight". But you are using it on someone who does not appreciate it. Using this on the wrong person gives her an entitlement attitude which makes her take you for granted. You have created the monster since t=you needed to take her personality into account and treat her accordingly. I too am an empath and it took me quite awhile to understand I cannot think everyone will appreciate my loyalty and kindness. Many mistake it for weakness. I have learned to avoid quickly those who do. Many men want to be chivalrous. Bt if you read Dr. Laura's book "10 mistakes men make to mess up their lives" Stupid Chivalry is #1! You seem like a great guy but you need to stop picking projects and thinking your love will fix someone. It NEVER WORKS!!! As for your wife, she is the type who will become interested in you once she sees you can replace her. But do not think it means she cares. Understand this is how broken she is. She wants what she cannot have. Till she has it. then she will not want it again. 2
SuperGeek Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 After what this woman put you through, why would you want to take those clothes with you? Just give those clothes to charity and anything else that reminds you of your ex. Give it all away or sell it on craigslist to fund the storage of your mom's china. Are you really going to let this women who destroyed your life make you part with your mom's china too? Time to stand firm and put an end to the destruction this woman is causing you. Also if she cries next time, just tell her to stop -- she has no right to cry at all, especially not in front of you. You ex-wife has a lot of nerve to cry when she is the one cheating ! I vision myself doing the same thing I am doing right now, fighting fires, saving lives and educating the public. It's the same vision I had year ago when I joined the department, except I wanted someone in my life to share that life with. I'll make sure I feel sorry for myself on my time, as it has no place when I'm on the job. So at least I have that solace that someone isn't going to get hurt because of my emotions. Thing is, once April 1st hits, I'm out and not allowed back into the house. So I have a few days to get things moved, stored and otherwise relocated. Pisses me off that she doesn't have to move a god damn thing, but it's my own fault. Call it sending him a message out of spite, but it's just something I want to do so badly. To at least entice him to go and see my STBXW again, so it'll show his current wife what a pucking slime ball he is. I do not even know what to do with all the nice sweaters and pants my STBXW bought me. I took them all out of my closet and folded them for her, and said she can keep them, and she just broke down bawling her eyes out for an hour. I've since refused to take anything she wants to give me, such as a microwave, some pillows and blankets. I've told her I do not want her charity, and that just seems to make her more upset and cry even harder. They are nice sweaters, and I do need them from time to time. But there are so many memories attached to them, that I'm not sure if I can separate a sweater from said memory. The reality of my situation really hit after hanging up the phone with my soon to be landlord, that I'm moving out and was forced to give up the life style I worked so hard for, while the ones who destroyed it, get to keep it. 1
SuperGeek Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) After what this woman put you through, why would you want to take those clothes with you? Just give those clothes to charity and anything else that reminds you of your ex. Hell. If I was in your shoes, i'd hold a garage sale that was well publicized and just sell off everything that is yours for next to nothing and use that to fund your storage unit. Pictures, clothes, gifts, or anything that reminds you of her, time to get rid of it or sell it. Are you really going to let this women who destroyed your life make you part with your mom's china too? Time to stand firm and put an end to the destruction this woman is causing you. Also if she cries next time, just tell her to stop -- she has no right to cry at all, especially not in front of you. Your ex-wife has a lot of nerve to cry when she is the one cheating ! Reminds me of my EX as well as she was crying herself all the way to the arms of another man. Why are you getting rid of memories from your Mom (her China) while talking about keeping stuff from your EX? Your mom's heirlooms should mean more to you than ANYTHING your EX has given you at this point. When my ex left, I literally donated 2 truck loads of stuff to a charity full of crap that reminded me of the ex. I had to get rid of it all to start over again. It was the best decision I made after things were finished. Time to make a stand and stop letting this woman impact your life. DO NOT HELP HER WITH THE HOUSE OR ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN. SuperGeek I vision myself doing the same thing I am doing right now, fighting fires, saving lives and educating the public. It's the same vision I had year ago when I joined the department, except I wanted someone in my life to share that life with. I'll make sure I feel sorry for myself on my time, as it has no place when I'm on the job. So at least I have that solace that someone isn't going to get hurt because of my emotions. Thing is, once April 1st hits, I'm out and not allowed back into the house. So I have a few days to get things moved, stored and otherwise relocated. Pisses me off that she doesn't have to move a god damn thing, but it's my own fault. Call it sending him a message out of spite, but it's just something I want to do so badly. To at least entice him to go and see my STBXW again, so it'll show his current wife what a pucking slime ball he is. I do not even know what to do with all the nice sweaters and pants my STBXW bought me. I took them all out of my closet and folded them for her, and said she can keep them, and she just broke down bawling her eyes out for an hour. I've since refused to take anything she wants to give me, such as a microwave, some pillows and blankets. I've told her I do not want her charity, and that just seems to make her more upset and cry even harder. They are nice sweaters, and I do need them from time to time. But there are so many memories attached to them, that I'm not sure if I can separate a sweater from said memory. The reality of my situation really hit after hanging up the phone with my soon to be landlord, that I'm moving out and was forced to give up the life style I worked so hard for, while the ones who destroyed it, get to keep it. Edited March 26, 2013 by SuperGeek 1
Gunny376 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 A book you may want to consider is ~ "The Art of Living Single" is paperback and a quick read but chocked full of really good ideas? The Art of Living Single: Michael Broder: 9780380709335: Amazon.com: Books Since money is tight for most of us coming out of divorce, and with times being as they are you may want to look at subscribing to a wonder website full of money - scrimping and saving ideas. The subscription rate for the web newsletter is only $24 a year, Its called "Debt Proof Living" and with the subscription you get access via the web of any and all back issues of the news letter ~ as well as access to the forum. A great place and resource for anyone that is having to come up with "real life' solutions to real life financial problems and challenges? Its ran by Mary Hunt is the author of several books of the same or like titles Debt-Proof Living At the forum you will also find a lot of suggestions and ideas about how to fix your new humble abode ~ and a lot of the members can give you suggestions and ideas. Something that helped me tremendously was ordering the "Attacking Anxiety and Depression" program. It costs me at the time around $150. https://store.midwestcenter.com/mwc/program?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=hr_Mideast+center&utm_keyword=midwest+anxiety+center_b&gclid=CO3k3Oz7mbYCFQWxnQodWGMAsQ I got a lot of bang for the buck from the program and the workbook. Another good resource that I purchase was "Light Your Fire" program Marriage Counseling - without Marital Counselors - Save Marriages with Problems with Dr. Ellen Kreidman She is also the author of "Light Her Fire" and "Light Her Fire" programs/books. I highly recommend all of them. Your also are going to have to work all day and hard to ward off even deeping depression and anxiety. To do that your going to have to not just take the pessimistic approach of not allowing yourself to succumb to it ~ and seeing the glass as being half empty, and not the traditional approach of seeing the glass as being half full ~ but rather as trying how to fill your glass up and to its top. You need to get to working on this now! What is more is that your going to have to re-configure your thinking ~ literally your going to have to 're-train' your brain. Your going to have to forgive the STBXW ~ not for her sake ~ but for your own! If you don't all that hatred and anger is just going to eat you up! It will begin to poison your relationships with others, possibly affect your potential for future more healthy relationships. It could affect your concentration and work performance. It doesn't take much for you to start the slide down the slippery slope and before you hit tha' skids! You can't let your interaction with one individual affect your thinking, perspective, intellect with the whole of that particular group that the individual belong to. Its easy to do, its a strong human trait for one to do so if they're not careful. Azzhats come in all forms, races, ethic groups, religious groups, etc. Be ever vigilant against succumbing to rebound relationships ~ they're not healthy for either party. Not only that? They're not fair. The time to begin dating again? Is when your mentally, emotionally, psychologically at piece with yourself ~ comfortable in your own skin ~ and your doing so not out of desperation, loneliness, need nor want? You totally comfortable with the concept of being single and alone for the rest of your life. You need to come to the realization that most women for men ~ and indeed most men for women? Are pretty much a waste of time, effort, energy ~ and yes even money. That the crap you've got to put up with, go through, deal with, even choke down on? Simply isn't worth it! A relationship is easy to get into? But can be difficult to maintain ~ and even more difficult to get out of? Tread carefully where angles themselves fear to go! 2
Gunny376 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Go easy on yourself ~ forgive yourself ~ identify your weakness ~ acknowledge your shortcomings and failures. But don't beat yourself up! At thirty? You probally like most of us were just to young, dumb, stupid, and mostly ignorant to have made a marriage work with her or anyone at the time? Young is self explanatory in that you simply lacked the prerequisite experience in and with relationships. Ignorant in that even though at the time you gave it your all? You simply lacked the prerequisite knowledge, comprehension, and understanding to have pulled it off. Stupid in that you (As we all do) did or said this or that when you knew you've shouldn't have? Or you didn't do or say this or that in that you didn't do or say something that you should have said or did. Now it the time to quit being a fool and get your azz back into school. I would read some books. Some that I would recommend are: "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex ~ and Women Don't Get Enough Love!" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue! And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes!" "Romance 101" "1001 Ways To Be Romantic!" "1001 More Ways to Be Romantic! "Light Her Fire!" "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy!" "How To Satisfy A Woman Every-time and Have Her Beg For More......." (Explains sex from a women's perspective ~ has a lot of useless stuff, but one part is dead on when it comes to intercourse!) "Relationship Rescue!" (Dr Phil McGraw books ties in perfectly with the above) "How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure!" (Ties in big time with the two above ~ and it'll crack you up!) Now is also the time for you to get into physical fitness. The foundation that you lay down through a Hugh investment in time, effort, energy and money in the gym or such? Is going to define how well your look, feel, healthy 20 ~ 30 years from now! Literally! Once you've established your base line of physical fitness? The rest is just maintenance. You don't have to invest a lot of money into it. Hell you don't even have to join a gym! Just go by the local Marine Corps Recruiting office and ask them for a copy of the spiral handbook (and it is literally a handbook ~ about the size of the palm of your hand that they give to 'Poolee's" to begin getting in shape for Marine boot camp over the course of a year. The Marine Corps physical fitness program is designed to be done anywhere, anytime, with a minimum of amount if any equipment. Take some lessons ~ classes. A lot of women love to dance. They love a man that knows how to dance even more? And you'll have fun doing it! Learn some magic tricks. Some bar tricks ~ (Learn enough of them? And you go out on the town and never have to pay for a drink! ) Take up that hobby you put off, pursue that interest that you put off because you were married! ~ Women love to be entertained! Women love to have a good time! Women love men that can show them a good time ~ make them laugh ~ smile ~ grin! Girls just want to have fun! Remember its not how you make a woman feel about you! Its how you make a woman feel about herself when she's with you! Even in a 500 square foot apartment? You can create an ambiance ~ that of being in "another-world" experience for her. I did just living in the Staff Non-commissioned officer's barracks (Essentially about the same as living in a motel room!) I did it with scented candles, soft lighting, slow music. It was my "Love Pad!" Invest in some good quality clothing ~ up date your wardrobe! Yo want to be a sharp dressed man.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Everyone's support has been overwhelming for me, and I truly appreciate all of it. All of you have taken time out of your lives to help someone you do not even know, and that alone tells me you're are all good people (we are always looking for these kinds of people for the department =p). I've already gone out and bought a bunch of frames for all my vintage comics that I've wanted to hang on the walls for ages. But my wife was never down with the idea because it looked childish. Tell me, what is so childish about hanging up a mint #1 Spiderman and mint #1 Superman, that my parents bought for me when I turned 16. So at least with my new pad, I can nerd the crap out of it and get back to my roots of being a nerd before being a nerd was cool a la Big Bang Theory. The china isn't something mother wants anymore because she believes it's been tainted by my wife and her lifestyle while being married to me. Both my mother and father are very archaic in their views of honour and loyalty, and that's rubbed off on me. I'll be going out today and getting my rental unit, and will start moving things into this evening after dinner. Come this Friday, I'll have the keys and my Aunt is taking me out to do some furniture shopping as she's an interior decorator and has done some amazing things with small spaces. Once I get my place all spruced up, I think the LS community has given me more than enough support and time, that I'll post some pictures of the pad on my tumblr account for everyone to see. It's going to be a hard week, because she's actually trying. Although we both know it'll come to an end on Sunday when I leave. She's committed herself to therapy and making me my favorite meals for the remainder of the week, I've always bee receiving regular backrubs when she comes to bed, lots of hugs and tear. As she's starting to tell some of her closer friends, she's suprised at the backlash she's getting. One of her closest friends, who always takes her to hockey games with him, has pulled her season tickets and sold off her seat to another friend. He's yet to return her text messages. So maybe once she's done therapy, she'll be right with herself and her health. I've told her that she has burned the bridge between us, but that she will build a new bridge with someone else, I hope that she will have enough respect for him not to put him through what she put me through. I do wish her nothing but happiness, even though there are times I'd rather see her and OM get run over by a John Deer Tractor. 2
Video Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 So your in the process of a divorce? To my knowledge when a woman asks for a divorce its a cry for help. Its the ultimate test to see what you will do. I feel like at this point though it can be too late. I got out of a 6 year relationship and by the time it was over...i honestly didnt want to save it. Sometimes theres too much bad history.
Emilia Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 You'll have a great batchelor pad. I agree with the poster who said you should get a double bed. Your aunt will know how to furnish a small flat anyway. There are so many options, it's actually quite exciting
Video Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 For me i coped by hanging out with my friends as much as possible. The more the better. I used activities and friends to fill the missing gaps. It worked wonders and honestly the year i spent single was one of the best years of my life. I think this could be a great thing for you.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I actually filed for the divorce, since my wife was having a 2.5 year long affair with a married man of three, while gas lighting, blame shifting and lying to me. Mind you we've only been together for three years, so you can see how loyal she was to me. Just have to sell her wedding and engagement rings to pay for the Paralegal, and 4 months from then the divorce will be in paper.
Video Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I actually filed for the divorce, since my wife was having a 2.5 year long affair with a married man of three, while gas lighting, blame shifting and lying to me. Mind you we've only been together for three years, so you can see how loyal she was to me. Just have to sell her wedding and engagement rings to pay for the Paralegal, and 4 months from then the divorce will be in paper. Oh my...god...dude...i cant even imagine what your feeling. Good luck to you sir and thank goodness you found out now and not years from now!
worldgonewrong Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 It also raises the question: Should I message OM and his wife, with my situation and thank him for his support is destroying what I believed to be the best thing that has ever occured to me (besides getting my acceptance letter from the Fire Dept). And let him know, that my wife has a house all to herself, that he can come to and go from, as often as he pleases now. A complete waste of time. Don't give them the satisfaction. As far as they're concerned, your life is a closed book to them now. 1
Author SmokeRat Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 And you are correct that they probably do not even think a second thought of my wife and I. But at the same time, I just want to see him lose what I've lost, or more so, what was stolen from me. Call it petty, because it probably is, but it would be nice to see his life crumble.
worldgonewrong Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Foolishly, I was trying to mimic what my Grandfather and Grandmother had. And I'm paying the price now =p That wasn't foolish of you at all. You just accidentally invested that sense of loyalty into the wrong person, 's all. As did I. There are other women out there who will recognize & match that loyalty every step of the way. Our exes just weren't that type of woman.
worldgonewrong Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 SmokeRat- I totally understand the desire for revenge or schadenfreude, but it's true what they say: the best revenge is living well.
MsOptimist Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 My living arrangements have downgraded a little, but not to the extent of yours. I went from a 1500 sq ft house on a large country town property to a tiny 800 sq ft condo in a busy area - it's just different all around. I took as much furniture as I could because I can't afford to replace it all and completely redecorate right now (I'm in saving/survival mode for my future). For the first few weeks it did feel like I was looking around at the remnants of my former life because I remember exactly when/where/how we acquired all of the little items. And the clothes too - so many of my clothes were gifts from my ex husband or inlaws. But I wasn't about to go spend money on a new wardrobe. After a few weeks the emotional ties to those things lessened a great deal. Now that I am further through my grieving I can look at those items, recognize where they are from, and it doesn't bother me. It's part of the indifference that comes from the healing process. So I would urge you not to give up or get rid of the things you might need in your new place. For me it felt better to at least have those furniture pieces with the emotional ties vs. coming home to an empty place. I've made the inside of my place cozy and warm and feel comfortable in it - and even inviting people over. Initially I was embarrassed to think of having guests over, but I quickly realized that other people my age (32) who live in my city are in very similar situations. Most young professionals here aren't settled or can't afford to purchase a large home in this expensive area. You may discover the same thing.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I would like to take many of the things that are currently in my house, but they just will not fit within my new living space, so the STBXW will buy them off me, and my little pug puppy with have a nice house to live in. Same with the bed, dressers and tables. I just do not have the space to fit it all, although once my Aunt has a look at it, maybe she will have a different view. It's just hard to take a table that she's told me what she and the OM did on it. Things she'd never do with me. So the emotional attachment to said table is very low =p.
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