Author CarboniteCammy Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 I know. You all are right. It would just be easier if it was more "us" and "ours" then everything having to be my responsibility. If it doesn't get cleaned, it's my fault. If he needs something laundered that wasn't, that's also completely my fault. It's ok in his mind if he slacks. It's unacceptable for me to slack, however. It's that double standard he has that makes the situation turn from, "Oh well if WE can't get to it until later that's fine," into, "This place is a mess. How could you leave it like this?" (him to me) I work, too. All day. Every day. Then I come home and do most of the chores, if not all the chores, that will get done for that day while he hangs out and does whatever he wants to do online because that's what for me causes the least amount of tension. Again, I shouldn't let things build up inside me like that. It would be great if I had a more understanding husband, but I don't. That's the obstacle I have to overcome when I say that I must take ownership of this. Because he only helps when it's convenient for him. So that he can say he does something, I guess. And then the anger goes to depression because I feel like I"m stuck in this mind-cycle. And no, I don't want my son growing up this way. No no no no no I don't. Enter the therapy. I AM going to over come this.
yessy21 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Once physical respect is out the window so is the marriage. Please get a divorce before this escalates out of control.
Author CarboniteCammy Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Much easier said then done, Yessy. My husband would take me to the cleaners, so to speak, and has told me that to my face when I've brought it up. There's no divorcing.
Author CarboniteCammy Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 I don't know. Before my husband, I was not a particularly angry or violent person though I've never had trouble standing up for myself. The part of me that wants what's easy thinks that if I could just remove him from the equation, I could find someone with whom I'm more compatible and have a less stressful life. The bigger part of me says that I made a vow to him under man and God and I'm going to stick this out because I made the choice to marry him. He was so different when we first met. I was thinking about that the other day. He seemed so cool and laid back and sweet and just really swept me off my feet. Such a far cry from where we are now. I'm sure he probably feels the same. But, that's neither here nor there, really. Regardless of who my husband is, I love him and wouldn't want a divorce although sometimes I think that might be the healthiest thing. We just have to work through this, or rather I do, I guess. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Each of you have to work on your own issues, together and apart. For some reason the dynamic between you two is not good and seems you bring the worst out in one another! THAT is not good for your child, who is being exposed to this abuse, even though it's not directed at him/her, it's still not a good environment. You and your H need to go to marriage counseling, discuss ALL the anger and hitting, how he pushes you, needles you and how you handle it by going from 0 to 10, seething anger and hitting him not realizing you're doing it. If it was him doing this to you, he'd be in jail so fast! So just because you're a woman and you're the one abusing him, doesn't mean that damage isn't being done to him. he will never admit that though, or say outloud you need to spend a night in jail. Sorry to be harsh but this IS very serious. Your child's well being and mental health is a risk as well. 1
Author CarboniteCammy Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Whichwayisup- I'd ask that you go back and re read the thread. I didn't say that damage wasn't done to him. I also am very aware if he was in my shoes, he'd be in jail. I'm fully aware of what I did and I take full responsibilty for my actions. I have not one time defended my actions. Period. There is no defense for them. You can see all that on the first couple of pages. I also know we need marriage counseling. And already mentioned the kid thing. I do not want my son to grow up with this dynamic. So, what I'm looking for now (moving on, if we could) is how to handle anger...coping mechanisms and such. Like I asked before, if you ask someone for space and they refuse to give it to you, what should you do?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 So, what I'm looking for now (moving on, if we could) is how to handle anger...coping mechanisms and such. Like I asked before, if you ask someone for space and they refuse to give it to you, what should you do? I've had a problem in my current and previous relationships with saying inappropriate (at least to them ) things in the heat of arguments. And the old "One Mississsippi, two Mississippi, ..." trick helps me. Counting to 5 puts a filter in front of that tip of the brain response - or action in your case - that haunts later. Even if you can't get away, you can close your eyes and compose yourself... Mr. Lucky
Author CarboniteCammy Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Thanks, Mr. Lucky. That's what I was looking for. I will try that. I don't want to be this person. I cannot set this example for my kid. I must nip this in the bud now before it spirals any further.
serial muse Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Much easier said then done, Yessy. My husband would take me to the cleaners, so to speak, and has told me that to my face when I've brought it up. There's no divorcing. Hm. I applaud that you're taking full responsibility for your actions, as far as striking him. And I don't think that pointing to the emotional abuse you're suffering (and it seems pretty clear that this is a cycle of abuse, not a one-way stream) negates the fact that you are fully capable of making choices about how you will behave, whether or not he changes how he behaves. So I'm also glad you're in therapy. That said...I guess what I took away from whirl's posts is that your overall relationship is highly toxic. I wholeheartedly agree that the first thing you need to focus on is your actions and altering your behavior - hitting someone isn't acceptable under any circumstances, and you need to find a way to deal with your frustration that does not become violent. As bent says, you just do. But as for the marriage itself -- well, for real change to happen, your husband would also have to participate. And it doesn't sound like he's open to that. Honestly, when I read the above post, it made me sad, because you sound so hopeless, and he is totally playing a mind-game with you to try to get you feel that way. Trapped. Like you have to stay with him. Sure, he's going to tell you that to your face, because that's how he keeps you from leaving. He wants to hold all the cards here. Maybe you two can come to some middle ground, but that would involve him budging and not constantly screwing with your head and leveling these weird threats at you ("I would marry you if you weren't a bitch; if you leave me I'll take you to the cleaners..."). This is clearly his MO for maintaining the balance of power. Barring that, I honestly think it might be worth exploring your options with a lawyer. Edited March 25, 2013 by serial muse 1
Sparty97 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 "This is the hallmark of an abusive relationship, I think. You only blame yourself for reacting, which you should. However, there's always two sides to this. Where is the blame to your husband? Why is it only up to you to de-escalate the situation?" So are you suggesting that the spouse being hit in a relationship shares responsibility for that abuse? Do you realize what kind of sh*tstorm it would raise if a man said that about a woman?
serial muse Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 "This is the hallmark of an abusive relationship, I think. You only blame yourself for reacting, which you should. However, there's always two sides to this. Where is the blame to your husband? Why is it only up to you to de-escalate the situation?" So are you suggesting that the spouse being hit in a relationship shares responsibility for that abuse? Do you realize what kind of sh*tstorm it would raise if a man said that about a woman? I agree that she and she alone is responsible for choosing to act violently. But I thought the point of the post you quoted was not that the husband was responsible for being hit, but that he's 50% responsible for de-escalating fights in general. Is that not true?
Sparty97 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I agree that she and she alone is responsible for choosing to act violently. But I thought the point of the post you quoted was not that the husband was responsible for being hit, but that he's 50% responsible for de-escalating fights in general. Is that not true? That seemed to be part of the point, but it also made it seem that he is partially responsible for her reaction.
serial muse Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 That seemed to be part of the point, but it also made it seem that he is partially responsible for her reaction. Yes, it was worded a bit confusingly.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 He probably thinks and says something like "Yes I get annoyed but when I calm down it's over. Why are you brooding over stuff?" That's just a ****ty power trip for dumping his anger on you when he feels frustrated about something, even something tiny. Of course he feels better - he's just taken a great big temper dump all over you, better out than in! And you feel crap. Him indulging his temper all the time will drive you nuts. You were wrong to hit him, OK. And he's wrong to be lazy jerk that would try the patience of any spouse. Unfortunate, as he has one and it's you.
xxoo Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 If I'm reading correctly, he threw water on her first. While that isn't at the same level as hitting someone, it is escalating the verbal argument to physical. There is plenty of blame to go around. Carbonite, the two things that have been helpful for me in learning to manage anger (which became an challenge for me as a parent--never underestimate how much anger a small child can inspire!) are: 1. prevention--avoid power struggles, look up NVC (non-violent communication), get on the same team 2. expressing anger appropriately--When you are angry, say so. Don't wait until you are livid. When you want to scream, try whispering. It de-escalates, but commands respect. If you want some space to cool off, whisper seriously, "I'm going to take a break from this." and walk away. 2
Els Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 The others have given excellent advice about anger/emotions/escalation management, which I agree that you should work on no matter what. That aside, cleaning up after cooking seems to be a very recurring theme in your gripes. I'm going to offer a solution that may not be all that popular - don't cook. Sure, cooking at home is better than eating out or getting takeaway, and something to aspire to. But at certain times in life you have to go with less-than-perfect for the sake of holding together everything else, and this sounds like one of them. While home cooked food may be good, is it worth your marriage and your sanity? You sound (understandably) driven up the wall by having to work full-time, coming home to being the sole childcarer, AND having to deal with cooking and cleaning (or getting your husband to clean). One of those can be easily eliminated. Not cooking saves a lot of time - it saves me about an hour a day whenever we don't cook, with the cleaning and associated errands included. I know you have a baby, but AFAIK the baby should be eating baby food at this time, so even if you get takeout it wouldn't affect your child for the moment. Stop cooking, work on the anger, hopefully get everything sorted, then when that is done you can slowly ramp up towards cooking regularly again.
Author CarboniteCammy Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks guys, for your advice. I have an anger management therapy session set up right after work on Monday and I'm taking a few days off work to get myself together. I went home last night and just bawled and told my husband my feelings. He's agreed that he needs to work on this too, but I'm not sure what that means for him. I'm reading a good book on anger management and hopefully that, along with therapy, will help me get to a better place mentally so that I don't react violently again. Again, thanks for all the advice. It is very much taken to heart. 2
Got it Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 CC - if things continue to escalate can you two do a temporary separation? Just give you two some physical space to catch your breath and regroup on how you two are going to approach your conflict resolutions? My parents got like this and I am sorry, viewing it as a child there was no excuse for it. The fighting, egging each other on, physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Even if it is mild, or doesn't happen often, or whatever. It is remembered and makes a distinct impression on your child's memories. These moments become just as vivid memories as the good times. These memories color the good ones. You both are responsible for the state of the marriage and you are responsible for yourself. ((((CC))))))))
yessy21 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Much easier said then done, Yessy. My husband would take me to the cleaners, so to speak, and has told me that to my face when I've brought it up. There's no divorcing. O M G. This is a rare case of Till death do us part. stradegize. you sound like a smart woman that was at her wits end. where there is a will there is a way. theres always a loophole. Aside from that, why would you want to stay in an unhappy marriage? No amount of anything can give you back the time that you have spent dwelling. what if ... what if an amazing human being was waiting for you... and neither of you know it. (Im a dreamer i cant help it. )
Sparty97 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 If I'm reading correctly, he threw water on her first. While that isn't at the same level as hitting someone, it is escalating the verbal argument to physical. There is plenty of blame to go around. Carbonite, the two things that have been helpful for me in learning to manage anger (which became an challenge for me as a parent--never underestimate how much anger a small child can inspire!) are: 1. prevention--avoid power struggles, look up NVC (non-violent communication), get on the same team 2. expressing anger appropriately--When you are angry, say so. Don't wait until you are livid. When you want to scream, try whispering. It de-escalates, but commands respect. If you want some space to cool off, whisper seriously, "I'm going to take a break from this." and walk away. Unless he's waterboarding her, tossing a little water on her is not in the same ballpark as hitting.
xxoo Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Unless he's waterboarding her, tossing a little water on her is not in the same ballpark as hitting. They are both unacceptable. If she'd never escalated to hitting, we'd be waving red flags about him throwing water on her during an argument. Of course hitting is worse.
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