cat5 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I'm looking for feedback about whether my wife is too demanding. And if so, how do I turn this around? Background: Married 4 years, son together, wife is a stay at home mom. I have two other kids from a previous marriage. They are early teens and are pretty independent, they live with us every other week. I work seven days a week, not full days on the weekends, only 3-4 hours. Normal offices hours during the week. I own the company and have several employees. My wife, when she worked outside the home, worked in the same industry. Now that she stays at home she refuses to help me in areas that she is more experienced than I am. The work load has gotten to the point where I have had to hire, and will have to train someone to do what she isn't willing to do. This will cost our family around 50-75k/year. I understand she is busy at home, if she was willing to help, I could be home more so double duty with the kids and family business stuff is not a concern. While she is unwilling to help me, she demands that I keep our son overnight every other night. This means I end up sleeping in the guest bedroom every other night so she can get uninterrupted sleep. My wife believes she is 100% responsible for the kids when I'm at the office and when I'm not, childcare and housework should be split 50/50. Keep in mind, my work day never ends when I get home. I'm taking calls and answering emails all hours of the day and night. This past week my wife asked if it would be OK if she rented a beach house for three consecutive weeks this summer and I could visit on the weekends if my schedule allowed (1k/week rental rate). I told her I felt three consecutive weeks was too long and I would be more comfortable with two. I was called controlling and she responded to my request by saying "yes boss". Am I being unreasonable? This past weekend while my girls were with their mother and our son was napping, I asked my wife if she wanted to fool around. She said OK. She got undressed and hopped into bed. Before anything started she told me, "if I have sex with you then you guys (my son and I) need to leave me alone the rest of the day". I jumped out of bed and started getting dressed. I explain that sex isn't like that to me. It's not a weapon, its to bring us closer together, and having sex on the condition of the family leaving her alone doesn't accomplish that. I also explained that our son is two and I'm not going to keep him away from his mother so I could get some. I left the house to run errands, one of which was to get her a new iphone. When I returned an hour or so later, my son and wife were napping. My son woke up shortly after my return but the wife kept sleeping. To me it seemed she was going to get us to leave her alone whether we had sex or not. After a couple more hours and after she had been napping for at least four hours I stopped keeping my son out of her room. She did get up and stayed up for two hours, but asked to go back asleep before his bedtime. Why was she so tired? Well we had gotten a sitter, the past two nights. The second night was to go out to a bar and watch basketball with her friend and a member of her family. This was her idea, but exhausting because it happened to fall on her night keeping our son. Typically if we get a sitter she makes sure its on my night with our son if there is any flexibility. Part of my frustration is she goes from hot to cold with me in a matter of a couple days. The week before last she sprung the idea of us taking a tropical vacation and renewing our vows for our fifth anniversary and while on vacation start trying for another child. Last week she was talking divorce. Talk about a whip-saw!! Whenever she brings up divorce I tell her she can leave whenever she wants. Her response is always its her house and shes staying. I ask how are you going to make me leave and she says "you wait, just you wait, its coming". The company I own has been very successful and it has gotten back to me that she brags that no matter what happens in our marriage she will "never have to work again". The week before last I had two major issues going on at work that threaten the company's existence, I was moving into a new office building, and also having to complete year end corporate taxes for the Fed and the 5 states the company operates in. She not only didn't help, she didn't even offer to take over one of my nights with our son despite the fact that he was sick and not sleeping well and I was on the phone or otherwise working at least 12 hours a day. Long post, I know. Thoughts?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 While she is unwilling to help me, she demands that I keep our son overnight every other night. This means I end up sleeping in the guest bedroom every other night so she can get uninterrupted sleep. My wife believes she is 100% responsible for the kids when I'm at the office and when I'm not, childcare and housework should be split 50/50. Every one of my 4 kids, by the time they were 2, was down for the night. Why is yours requiring that one of you sleeps in the guest bedroom? A better job of managing his daytime schedule and bedtime ritual could take this off the table. Your business issues also seem somewhat self-inflicted. If your company is so successful, hire some help. Promote a trusted lieutenant. You need to let go of some of it to save your sanity. Having started, developed and run my own businesses (some of which are open 24 hours, 7 days a week), I speak from experience. You'll have to prioritize to have a life. I'd guess that some of your wife's angst comes from feeling ignored by you. It sounds like you're either at the office or are buried in your phone/laptop when at home. While effectively having made yourself only a checkbook, you're wondering why you're not more appreciated as a person... Mr. Lucky
GorillaTheater Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I see you've had a little history here, so I looked at some of your previous posts. I see issues with verbal abuse, maybe some alcohol abuse, and irrational jealousy. I'd gently suggest that your wife may not be wired together too well. It's your marriage and your life; only you can determine what you'll put up with. Personally, I'd take her threats regarding getting you out of the house seriously. VARs (voice-activated recorders) are pretty cheap. You may want to invest in one. 2
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Leaving aside the who-did-what and taking the wider view for a moment: It sounds like, your wife feels family comes a poor second to work for you and she resents it. The domestic power struggle is a reflection of that. Hire help - cleaner, part time nanny, staff to delegate to. I can see your request she take on office work could be taken in much the same spirit as you view domestic tasks. If you are talking at all then book a sitter and have a serious talk about your respective goals for yourselves and the marriage. Otherwise this power struggle stuff will escalate all the way to divorce. Edited March 26, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy
stillafool Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Tell her if she wants the rental for 3 weeks to go to work and pay for it. Why are you being so easy? Women do not respect men who cave to their whims.
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Leaving aside the who-did-what and taking the wider view for a moment: It sounds like, your wife feels family comes a poor second to work for you and she resents it. The domestic power struggle is a reflection of that. Hire help - cleaner, part time nanny, staff to delegate to. I can see your request she take on office work could be taken in much the same spirit as you view domestic tasks. If you are talking at all then book a sitter and have a serious talk about your respective goals for yourselves and the marriage. Otherwise this power struggle stuff will escalate all the way to divorce. Hire help for a stay at home mom who does nothing else? I mean if she was willing to help him with the work (his business) then yeah definitely, but do you really think that a sahm should be getting a cleaner and a part time nanny? 1
Janesays Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I'd personally feel abandoned, family wise, if my husband was working 10-12 hours a day (even when he was at home) and also on the weekends. She's probably very lonely and lashing out. Hey, maybe you can cut back on work a little bit and take some time trying to become a FAMILY? I run my own business as well, so I get that it's a lot of work. But sometimes you have to take a good long look at your life and decide, 'What is more important?'
Author cat5 Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks everyone for all the thoughtful advice. Some questions have been asked and I thought I should address. We have tried counseling. We never make it more than a couple sessions then my wife will refuse to go back. She always blames her not wanting to go back on me. Apparently I'm so charismatic I convince the counselor to take my side. I say that tongue in cheek, cause I'm not. And there is always things I'm told I need to work on as well. She doesn't take that kind of criticism too well. I don't typically work 10-12 hours a day. Typically I'm at work by 9 and home by 4. I do check my phone from time to time, but it doesn't take up but a few seconds every couple hours. I actually work far less hours now than I did just a few years ago. I make a strong effort to be around more and spend more time with her and the kids. As far as getting her help around the house, I agree a nanny is a little much. Although she has told me she wants a night time nanny if we were to have another kid. Right now we do have a maid who comes every other week, to help with the heavy cleaning. Someone asked what "keep him every other night" meant. Our son who is almost two still wakes up some nights in the middle of the night. I know he shouldn't, but he does. What I mean by keeping him every other night is if he wakes up in the middle of the night I settle him down, get him back to sleep and such, if its my night. And I'll get up with him the morning after my night with him. I don't have a problem with this some of the time, a couple nights a week or so. By all means she needs a break too. But I don't have the luxury of being able to take a nap during the day when he naps if he had a particularly bad night the night before. So I feel 50/50 is a little much. I have vocalized this, but she doesn't want to hear it.
firemanq Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Sounds as if she is planning to leave. Comments such as she will not have to work if she leaves, actions such as withholding (selling) sex/love, refusing counseling, she is/has checked out. You need to get a key logger, Voice activated recorders, check phone logs, move to protect yourself and the kids. Good luck, you are going to need it. Come back when you need to vent or ask questions.
Author cat5 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 Cat5~ . . . have you thought about seeking counseling for you? I know, for me, just having someone to talk these things through with who may have more experience in the dynamics of marriage than we do can be a HUGE help. It seems that you have a lot of resentment towards your wife and also understanding and compassionate for her need to have a break every now and then, etc. It's just a thought . . . Blessings!!!! I do see a counselor on my own. The person I see is someone who the wife and I went to a couple of times. After my wife refused to go back I continued. I agree it does help.
standtall Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Cat5..I'm with Mr. Lucky on this one. 1.You need to polish up your parenting skills by not catering to a 2 yr old every night. Your coddling him is merely reinforcing his behavior of getting up at night. Stop doing it, let him cry for a week, then it will end..period. 2. Stop coddling your wife as well. Women do not love men they do not respect, and she is a SAHM, so it is her job to be the primary 2 yr old caregiver. I would not negotiate child care BS with her. 3. Overall, there sounds like there is much more to this and that she wants to check out of the marriage....do some digging. 1
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