Wife of 14 yrs just admitted she had a 2 yr long affair

[Juangbasurto]

First of all, my wife and i have been married for 14 yrs. We have two preciouse kids and we have had a very peacefull marriage. As a metter of fact we allways feel like we have been blessed in many ways . After hearing rumors and lots of digging i figured out that she had cheated on me about 6 yrs ago while she was traveling for business avery two weeks out of town.

I co fronted her and she admited to the affair. But i never expected to hear

That what i thought had been a one time or maybe a couple of times thing was

In reality an over two year long affair. Needless to say i am hartbroken and feel so betrayed and humiliated. The other men is one of my costumers in my business. I am sure all of my employees know and half the small town we live in also know.

I feel ashamed and angered and dont know how to face this.

I love her very much and i do not want to loose her. But i am also very proud and can't stand the humiliated feeling. Dont know if i should let the other man know that i am aware, so that he does not show him self in my business again.

I dont know what i will do to him if i see him

My wife has assured me that there was never any feelings from ither one.

I am lost. I want to save my marriage, it was beautyfull untill now.

But is it really possible? How do i get the nasty images out of my mind.

How can i ever touch her sexually again? They dis not use protection of any kind . I am disgusted. But i love her non the less .

Any advice would be very appreciated. Please forgive any gramar errors i cant even see straight.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Your story is very very sad. I would like to offer some suggestions.

1. The both of you Get tested for STD's.

2. Maybe you should have your children tested for paternity just in case.

3. See a lawyer just to understand your options

4. If the OM has a wife it is important to expose this to her.

 

The fact that your wife had a 2 year affair behind your back and put your health at great risk for STD's because she did not even have the decency to use protection says it all. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you?

 

Your wife is lying to you. How could she says there was no feelings for the OM when she continued to cheat on you for 2 years without protection and was willing to destroy her marriage and totally humiliate and disrespect her husband in the process? What have been the consequences to her actions?

 

Hopefully she never brought him to you home. All I can say is that her actions shows that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? What in the world made her believe that this was acceptable behavior? Is it possible that she thought that you were such a nice guy and love her so much that she thought she could screw another man for two years behind your back and if she got caught you would forgive her anyway and therefore she had nothing to lose? I again would suggest that you expose the OM to his wife immediately and see a lawyer just to understand your options and have the both of you get tested for STD's. I wish you luck.

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

First thing is how did WW meet the OM?

 

Is the OM married?

 

Your WW I hope no longer works a job that takes her away on trips.

 

Does WW still have that same job?

 

If it does she must stop her overnight traveling.

 

Why did you suspect and how do you know she is NC/no contact with the OM or having another affair now?

 

Do you have access to WW passwords for PC and cell and all of her accounts?

 

To ensure that the affair is dead and will not restart your WW must write a NC letter to the OM. The NC letter is to be cold and business like. Just stating that the affair was wrong. She regrets the pain she caused her husband. She wants to work on her marriage and there must be NC between them forever.

 

Then the letter must be shown to you for your approval and for you to send it so that you know what was written and that the letter was sent.

 

The next thing to do to kill this affair for good is that your WW and OM must have consequences for having an affair. No consequences means they can be tempted to have an affair again.

 

This is why the affair must be exposed. Without warning or threatening your WW or OM you must tell OM wife/gf and his parents.

 

Then you must expose the affair to WW parents and her siblings.

 

After all that has been done and you and your WW have read the book Surviving An Affair your head needs to process all that has happened to be able to make a rational decision to recover or divorce.

[road]

Very important to get STD tests done for the both of you and DNA tests for kids because WW's can never be counted on for the full truth.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

One of the hardest parts will be accepting that your wife is not who you thought she was, and your marriage was not what you thought it was. It's a hard truth to accept.

 

If she didn't have feeling for this man, then why would she risk everything by having an affair with him? She risked her marriage, kids, your sense of self-worth, her reputation, her health, your health, pregnancy, etc for this relationship/OM. My wife did a similar thing but the guilt got to her after a few months. 2 years tells me that she didn't feel guilty at all. She didn't confess, you found out on your own.

 

Tell the OM that you know, and tell his wife (if he is married). Tell him that he enters your business at his own risk.

[dichotomy]

Nothing in your post really says anthing about your wife feeling shame, regret, willing to do what YOU need.It is all about your feelings of weakness and helplessness. Get angry instead. You need to get angry

 

The question is WHAT DO YOU NEED YOUR WIFE TO DO ABOUT THIS? She HAS humiliated you, disrespected you...and guess what - if she did this over two years - she did not love you. Why be with someone who would disrespect and not love you?

 

Be prepared for your wife to say soon "It was six years ago, its over, I can't do anything about it now, stop asking me about it" If she lacks regret - ask her how the kids might view her.

 

If the OM is married - ya tell his wife. If he is not, forget it - your wife is 100% responsible.

 

If it is your business tell this "customer" his account has been canceled and you wish no further business from him. If he or his company ask why - say for unethical conduct. Don't say affair - keep you dignity as much as you can. However, If you are just a manager or senior person at your company, you can't do a thing about it, so keep quiet.

 

Couples therapy - and see a lawyer. Get your options.

Edited March 25, 2013 by dichotomy

[Running Man]

My wife has assured me that there was never any feelings from either one.

 

Her Actions for the last 2 years speak louder then her words. If she did this with a man she has no feelings for, look at what she has done to you for a person she is supposed to love.

[Athens]

Hang in there- you will heal and get some clarity with time and a lot of soul searching. I know I felt so worthless when I first found out- I did not have the strength to get angry-but eventually, I gained strength and was able to clearly and strongly let my H know I was indeed angry and that accepting him back into my life was within my control. At first it seemed like he had the upper-hand which made me feel even worse-now we are on equal footing where I am free to say what needs to be said and he is free to accept thats how it is or move on- we are doing really well and it sounds odd but I am more self-confident than I have been in years-hurt, betrayed but self confident- odd, I know-

[nofool4u]

I feel ashamed and angered and dont know how to face this.

I love her very much and i do not want to loose her.

 

Well I will have to say, what are you losing if you do lose her? Someone who can't be trusted. So you are not really losing.

 

But I'll digress, because I know you say you love her. But perhaps you haven't hit the anger stage yet.

 

 

But i am also very proud and can't stand the humiliated feeling. Dont know if i should let the other man know that i am aware, so that he does not show him self in my business again.

 

I think you need to tell him you know. Then see if he has the balls to show up at your business again.

 

I dont know what i will do to him if i see him

My wife has assured me that there was never any feelings from ither one.

 

So what?

 

 

I am lost. I want to save my marriage

 

Its not for you to save. The burden of effort is with your wife. She is the one that needs to save the marriage. Not saying you can't work on it too, but she is the one that needs to bend over backwards to save it. If she doesn't, then she isn't too interested in the marriage.

 

But is it really possible? How do i get the nasty images out of my mind.

 

Honestly, you never will. You can only reduce the frequency of when those images enter your head. Only way I could get rid of the images was to get rid of the source, the wife.

 

 

How can i ever touch her sexually again? They dis not use protection of any kind . I am disgusted. But i love her non the less .

 

Honestly, you need to put a muzzle on that love, at least for a time while you are trying to think clearly. Acting like a lovesick puppy will only show her she has you wrapped around her finger.

 

 

Any advice would be very appreciated. Please forgive any gramar errors i cant even see straight.

 

Well first off. I'd say business trips for her without you are done now. That is where I'd start.

 

Second, she doesn't do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable. This is not controlling. This is now expecting a cheating wife to act like a wife for a change. Its what people in a relationship do. She shouldn't do anything that you would not like. Such as going out drinking with the girls and staying out til the wee hours of the morning.

 

There are certain privileges that a spouse should lose once they have taken advantage of a caring, loving, and trusting spouse.

 

But its all up to you. What I'm simply saying is now open your eyes, stand up for yourself, and let it be known that from here on out you will not be taken advantage of, and you will no longer be played for a fool.

 

You don't have to take what I said above to let that be known either. You can do it in your own way. But whatever you do, do not trust everything that comes out of your wife's mouth and don't just accept her social interactions with a carefree attitude. Her social interactions now should come with some suspicion.

[Feelin Frisky]

STDs would be the last thing on my mind. Paternity of my children would be first. I'm very sympathetic to feelings you must be having. It might be too much to keep just to yourself and talking about it on the net is not even close to talking to a crisis counselor and maybe a doctor/psychiatrist who can work with you. As you know this has been enough to cause many men to do things that only make things worse. You don't want to be one of those guys. Please be careful what you tell yourself and mind if you are falling into patterns of circling around the worst and amplifying your anger or frustration. Take a walk or something and try to clear your mind and develop a plan with your counselor and/or mental health professional. As you indicated there are things that need to be done still like getting your message to this other guy. Some professional advise should cover how to do that without putting yourself in a position of losing your temper and doing something you and your children will suffer for. I have nothing to say about your wife. Your continued love for her only you can understand.

[ver13]

No matter how much you love her the fact that she maintained a 2yr sexual relationship with someone else erases the 12 yrs you have spent together. A fling or one nite stand is hard enough to work through but 2yrs? You have to do what is right for you, but to maintain a deception for that amount of time requires major effort. If W has that much energy to sustain that level of BS you coming here to ask what to do won't effect your M either way. Because you really don't have a M to speak of as far as she is concerned.

[wifehurtheart]

One of the hardest parts will be accepting that your wife is not who you thought she was, and your marriage was not what you thought it was. It's a hard truth to accept.

 

If she didn't have feeling for this man, then why would she risk everything by having an affair with him? She risked her marriage, kids, your sense of self-worth, her reputation, her health, your health, pregnancy, etc for this relationship/OM.

 

It is difficult to realize or accept at first, but your marriage, if you decide to stay in it, will never go back to being what it was or what you thought it was. If you proceed on that premise you will fail.

 

Also, you haven't really said anything about what your wife has had to say about all of this, other than that there were supposedly no feelings for the OM (two years and no feelings??? H-m-m-m). Has she expressed any remorse or said anything about wanting to save your marriage and what she is willing to do to do that? My wife had a ONS that I found out about a year ago, and we are working through it together and doing well, but I don't think we would be together today without professional counselling, and if she hadn't been willing to do some heavy lifting. You can't fix this one by yourself, friend.

 

I think you should get some professional help so you can begin to figure out where you are, where you are going, and how you're going to get there.

[fixing]

You got to kick her ass out. Make her ****ing pay for the gross way she treated you. Its not your fault, remember that, its her. Cheating whore. 2 years behind your back???? UNFORGIVABLE.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Juang,

 

I had a two year affair with another man. I am sorry you are hurting. I have not read all the responses to you but I will relay the advice we were giving. If you want to move forward you have to let it go. I am sure I will take heat for this but why would you want to know every word they exchanged and every action? If this helps you heal they yes that is the right course. For us it only provides mind games. The affair was a symptom of your relationship. Don't let it define you. We were told to take a year to evaluate if the relationship was worth saving, then decide. I am not saying to live in limbo, you both have to commit to making it work but if you do there is no reason it cannot.

 

We feel we have hit the reset button. Not moving back but moving forward with a new improved relationship. Decide what you want, then work towards that. I wish you the best of luck. Try to focus on the WHY it occurred and less on the details.

[dichotomy]

Juang,

 

f you want to move forward you have to let it go. I am sure I will take heat for this but why would you want to know every word they exchanged and every action? If this helps you heal they yes that is the right course. For us it only provides mind games. The affair was a symptom of your relationship. Don't let it define you.

 

 

Ok -some heat but more disagreement.

 

If you want to move forward - the WS must be accountable, regretful, and repentant (make amends you need), then you let go,

 

The affair was a symptom of the WS and NOT your relationship. No blame shifting. They could have left if they were unhappy. They could have dragged you to therapy and told you things were in danger. There may indeed be issues in your marriage - but the flaw, the symptom was the WS cheating and not you.

 

You should know anything you wish, when where what. Yes what type of sex they had, what was shared about you personally, what the OM knows about you, money issues, other people who knew, what places they went to together, if there are gifts in the home from them, all emails or texts provided and read, etc... refusal to answer is a sign the person does not wish to expose the full level of betrayal - they are playing mind games and accountability avoidance for what was done. Also fundamentally a person you love should be an open book anyway. But once you get your answers met in one or two sessions - stop asking.

Edited March 30, 2013 by dichotomy