Thunderchild Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I saw a thread asking about Dumper behaviour and tracked down this little gem from 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/211578-post-breakup-stages The literature actually talks about 5 stages for Dumpers, but these 3 seem quite succinct. 2
missjones4812 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 As much as I shouldn't want my ex back, this post gives me some hope! I am very aware that he may never come back, but the cicumstances surrounding our break-up gives me the feeling that one day he will pull his head out of his a--!! (Cheated, moved in with girl same day he left us, we have a 1 year old, had no good reason for leaving) Things would have to change on his end for it to ever work, but I want my family back together!
Amelie1980 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 As much as I shouldn't want my ex back, this post gives me some hope! I am very aware that he may never come back, but the cicumstances surrounding our break-up gives me the feeling that one day he will pull his head out of his a--!! (Cheated, moved in with girl same day he left us, we have a 1 year old, had no good reason for leaving) Things would have to change on his end for it to ever work, but I want my family back together! The post says provided there has been no cheating... I sure hope my ex has a what if in a little while.
Author Thunderchild Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 In a way. I'm lucky - my ex cheated on me and fell pregnant to the other guy, so she has zero chance of reconciling with me. Hopefully, this little gem will help others to understand what's going on.
Amelie1980 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 In a way. I'm lucky - my ex cheated on me and fell pregnant to the other guy, so she has zero chance of reconciling with me. Hopefully, this little gem will help others to understand what's going on. I always wondered that about dumpers ... The dumpee has no choice but to go on. The dumper (provided they don't end up in a happy relationship) or get dumped by their next partner May wonder what if. Especially if the bu was gigs or I don't think you're the one or just petty differences.
destroyed4sho Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 yes but the 'what ifs' are not strong enough to want you back!!
Amelie1980 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 yes but the 'what ifs' are not strong enough to want you back!! It might be too late by the time they realise.
Wabisabi Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Described the dumpee's stages accurately. I'm between Stage 2 and 3. Not 100% sure about the dumper's stages. I've been a dumper too but too long ago, I don't remember what I experienced...which is exactly why I'm kinda afraid, that my recent ex will forget soon enough.
Damsel in Distress Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Wow, thank you for posting this today of all days. I am 6 weeks into this breakup, and had my hand on the phone to call the dumper. Today I was feeling like he's being stubbornly immature because he never told me it was over - he did tell me he met somebody, nothing had happened but he likes her, he's confused by his feelings, he has a big decision to make, then disappeared. I have no doubt he's moved on, but I keep feeling like, my God, we've shared everything every day for the past two years, and you don't have the balls to tell me what you decided to my face? Plus I had convinced myself that he didn't officially break with me in case the new relationship doesn't work out that he still has me in the wings. This post makes it very clear that he's so relieved and happy and excited about the new relationship that he really just isn't thinking about me and surely doesn't WANT to think about me. Calling him to force him to tell me that is unnecessary and hurtful. (And he wouldn't answer the phone anyway!) THANK YOU for this post. Very, very helpful. I also identified very much with the dumpee stages. I'm at the stage of "OMG, this really is happening to me."
calgary Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 what if you felt forced to dump your girlfriend but didn't really want to end it.. it's just she was doing pretty unacceptable things such as flirting with other guys? what if she planned on hooking up with a guy she worked with but it failed a week after the break up.. what if she's rebounding with one of your close friends and feels guilty about it but continues to do it anyway? because I feel like I made the right decision dumping a girl like that, that I was in an 18month relationship with. does a girl like that ever look back with regret because technically I was the dumper but didn't want to be, she twisted my arm about it. I really don't care if she never comes back now. but I just wonder if she'll ever feel regret and guilt and think back with fond memories ? because i'm the dumper and i'll never look back with fond memories of her or feel guilty for dumping her.
Wabisabi Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 what if you felt forced to dump your girlfriend but didn't really want to end it.. it's just she was doing pretty unacceptable things such as flirting with other guys? what if she planned on hooking up with a guy she worked with but it failed a week after the break up.. what if she's rebounding with one of your close friends and feels guilty about it but continues to do it anyway? because I feel like I made the right decision dumping a girl like that, that I was in an 18month relationship with. does a girl like that ever look back with regret because technically I was the dumper but didn't want to be, she twisted my arm about it. I really don't care if she never comes back now. but I just wonder if she'll ever feel regret and guilt and think back with fond memories ? because i'm the dumper and i'll never look back with fond memories of her or feel guilty for dumping her. It's different in your case. And yes, I think she'll regret.
calgary Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 It's different in your case. And yes, I think she'll regret. haha I just feel like a dumpee who did the dumping as stupid as that probably sounds.
Damsel in Distress Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 haha I just feel like a dumpee who did the dumping as stupid as that probably sounds. Yeah, actually that sounds about right in your case. She clearly wasn't committed to you and your relationship, and you said, "No, I'm not an option, in my relationships I will be the only one." I know it's painful that she forced this, but you showed dignity. I give you credit for not letting her get away with it.
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